Thursday, July 5, 2012

My First Love

Brace yourselves, things are about to get serious.

I felt it was about time that you readers knew who my first love was.  I find this to be a critical aspect to any blogger/reader relationship.  So you can fully understand where my high standards for the opposite sex originated from.

So, here he is:


I first fell in love with FPJ (my pet name for him) in elementary school, the height of said love was probably around sixth grade.  Remember back in the day when all of those extremely-cheesy teen movies were rolling out non-stop?  I mean, at an alarming rate.  Well, the king of said movies was non other than this smoking hot piece of man.  Forget actual acting abilities, those are not important.  In fact, it actually pained me to watch him act in a majority of his movies.  Thankfully though, his face made up for the searing pain.  

May we remember such cult classics as "She's All That" and "Down to You"?  DON'T EVEN ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.  "She's All That" especially.  I think TBS has some sort of special connection with it, because it's on TV literally once a week.  Alternating with "Mean Girls."  Apparently a bunch of teen girls run TBS.  Perhaps I should look into employment there, with people of my intellect level.

Anyway, in quite a few of his movies, he played the same character.  The good-looking, sensitive high-school athlete with a tortured soul.  Needless to say, in real life, boys in high school are nothing like FPJ.  Far from it.  You will not meet a soccer player who looks like him.  DREAMS, CRUSHED.

Let us not forget that this beautiful man-specimen is married to the following:

Oh my goodness! I can so see the appeal! NOT.  Let's just say that the day they got married was a dark day in my life.  I find comfort in the fact that she's merely a placeholder though.  You know how golfers put down those little dots on the green to mark where their ball is?  Right, she is that little dot.  I'm the actual ball.

Sidenote, I'm actually exercising quite a bit of restraint here by not making inappropriate jokes.  You're welcome for my self-censorship.

Anyway.  While his actual acting career may have peaked with those "I Know What You Did Last Summer" movies, I'm okay with that.  I think when we get married, I'll recall to the press about how those movies made me love him when I was younger.  Kind of like how Katie Holmes used to have a crush on Tom Cruise.  Except, FPJ will not go crazy and will not be involved in some sort of Seahorse-Spaceship religion.  Guaranteed.

Let me conclude this insightful life post by requesting that you don't tell Zefron about FPJ.  I don't want it to be a dealbreaker should he propose first.  You understand.  

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