Monday, January 28, 2013

How I Know I'm Getting Old

Now that I'm well into the year of my quarter century age, I find it increasingly apparent that I'm not exactly a spring chicken.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not creaking around on a Hover-Round or wearing orthopedic shoes, but, you get the picture.  I've decided to compile a short list of things that I realize bother me most about today's youngsters:

1.  Teens at the Mall
Okay, first off, teen boys need to stop wearing their 5-year-old sister's jeans. It's just flat out wrong. Back in my day, baggy pants were the "thing."  Something I'm still baffled by, as they made guys legs look dwarf-sized, and made them waddle around like a penguin.  These "skinny jeans," as they call them, should really only be worn by the professionals.  And by "professionals" I mean male gymnasts.  No one else should be wearing jeans that show every line of a guy's leg.  Unnecessary.  Unless you're Zac Efron, in which case, no pants are completely acceptable.

Secondly, when did pre-teen girls start doing their make-up like 22 year old cocktail waitresses/exotic dancers? From what I remember from middle school (memories which are cloudy due to my furry eyebrows that partially blocked my vision), girls wore eyeliner and lipgloss. Those were the mainstays. I literally don't remember any girls caking foundation and eye shadow on. Now, we wore the big hoops (or "Ho-Hoops" as they were nick-named), because they were the multi-taskers of jewelry, easily transformable from earrings to bracelets!  Convenience.

This actually reminds me of a time when a friend and I walked past two OBVIOUS pre-teens, maybe 13, both wearing Uggs (cringe), apparel most likely from Hollister or some other dark-overpriced "California" store, and both were carrying a Starbucks cup.  I'M SORRY, WHAT.  WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?

2.  Rap music that repeats the same lyrics/only mentions "ass" and "titties"
Let me note, I'm a fan of rap music -- I'm all about some Drake or Lil' Wayne.  However, some of these new young lads are coming out with singles that are purely about, well, I have no idea what they're about.  I mean, I don't know about you, but know I love to hear a guy talk refer to me by specific body parts, or use the pronoun "bitch" every other second.  It's just so romantic! Said no one ever.

Also, I know Lloyd Banks has other songs and what not, but all I can think about when I hear his name is that song "Beamer, Benz, Bentley."  If you haven't heard it, don't waste your time.  I'm going to summarize it for you: "Beamer, Benz, or Bentley.  Beamer, Benz, or Bentley."  Now just repeat that 112 times, and BAM, it's a hit!

I find that when I hear these songs blasting from someone's Honda Civic, I actually make that frowny face that you see old people make at any loud noise.

3.  Kids complaining about high school "work"
Oh, you have to write a 2 page, DOUBLE-SPACED, paper on your favorite Care Bear?  I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU.  I'm sure no one writes papers on care bears, but who knows, I'm not in-tune with today's youth.  Stop complaining, and let me give you a hint that will benefit you for the rest of your academic life:  Size 16 font for every period on your paper.  BAM!  I just changed your life.

4.  Kids not respecting good music
Last summer I found out that my nephew (who's 15) does not "really like" the Beatles nor find their music that great.  He doesn't see what the "big deal about them" is.  I. NO. WORDS.  LITERALLY CANNOT SAY ANYTHING.  You understand where I'm coming from.

I think the fact that I referred to young people as "kids" in this post always gives hint to my aging demeanor.  As does the fact that I said "young people." As does the fact that yesterday while I was at the mall, I was trying on a jacket and an older woman told me "That looks great on you!"  Point here being that I was obviously shopping in the same section as an elderly woman.

Hip grannies unite!

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