Sunday, April 12, 2020

I watched this: Love is Blind

Before we were all talking about "Tiger King" and Carole's guilty ass, we were focused on some other asses (mainly Cameron's) on "Love is Blind." I know most of you probably watched this ages ago, but I cannot review Netflix shows without including this one in the record books.

As someone who religiously watches "Vanderpump Rules," it's pretty clear that I have no bar for what TV shows I watch, so this one was right up my trashy alley. Let's dumpster dive in!

The basics

Duration: These blind mice look for love for 10 episodes of about an hour each, except for the messy weddings finale that is almost an hour and a half. There's also a reunion episode that you don't necessarily need to watch, but I mean, do you necessarily need to watch any of this.

Netflix summary: "Nick and Vanessa Lachey host this social experiment where single men and women look for love and get engaged all before meeting in person."
Why Netflix used precious plot summary space to mention the Lachey's names as if they're a selling point is beyond me.

My summary: The show begins like a middle school dance with the guys and girls separated. They never see each other in person and go on "dates" while each being in their own "pods." The idea is to form a connection without judging on physical appearance, which would make this whole experiment more interesting if there were some actual ugly people involved. But all of these people are moderately attractive, so it's like, there is little to no risk? Like these people are not blindly falling in love with Quasimodo then later forced to make the tough decision of being alone or living in a bell tower with a hunchback.

Anyway, the only way to see someone in person is to get engaged (a trick I'm not falling for again). Even though the series begins with like 500 people, we soon focus on 6 of the engaged couples as they head out on a post-engagement "honeymoon" in Mexico before moving in together in Georgia. They're forced to stay together until the randomly decided on wedding date, at which point, they can decide if they want to be married or break up. Completely normal sequence of events.

Let's get into the main couples.....

Cameron & Lauren
Cameron and Lauren are by far, the only worthwhile couple and not just because they are objectively the two best looking people on the show.

Cameron is tall and muscley with the soothing voice of one of those meditation apps. He worked as a firefighter for seven years before settling in to his current job as a "scientist," and by "scientist" he means a data scientist. Which, I mean not that that's not "science" but if you say you're a scientist, we expect you to be donning a lab coat and Bill Nye'ing 5 days a week. Not sitting at a computer analyzing tables. Regardless, he's a tall glass of whole milk and it was clear to me OFF THE BAT that he has a big......heart (oh God what were you thinking).

Lauren is a content creator and model and more importantly, most normal and down to earth woman on the show.

In the pods
They like each other almost immediately and get engaged AT THE END OF EPISODE 1. So after knowing each other for approx 3 days. Also, this is how all engagements happen:
The dude kneeling in front of an early 90s glass wall type decor and the woman staring lovingly at the same wall.

When they meet in person for the first time they're both relieved to find the other is wildly good looking. They hug for the longest and it's actually freaking adorable and Cameron whispers things like this to Lauren:
He also tells her "I'm going to take care of you" AND I DON'T KNOW MAYBE I *ALMOST* CRIED WE'LL NEVER KNOW AND THERE IS NO PROOF.

During the honeymoon trip
During the "honeymoon," where all of the engaged couples get to enjoy a week at a resort in Mexico, we get to see a lot of Cameron's chest hair which isn't as repulsive as I was expecting (Lauren says the same thing). They continue to be adorable and literally every moment they're together, he is staring at her like this:
During this time, Lauren plants the seed that her dad hasn't met any of her past boyfriends so she's nervous on top of the fact that Cameron is the first white guy she's been with. But he seems totally fine with it and tells her understands the hardships they, and their future kids, will face.

When the couples finally all get to meet in person, it's safe to say that Cameron and Lauren are both happy they picked each other. And Lauren offers THE BEST commentary on some of the other guys.
About Mark: "He's very tiny.....I mean smaller than I expected."
About Barnett: "I expected him to look like a frat bro. And he does."

Weeks leading up to the wedding
Things progress nicely for them because they are actually meant to be. Also randomly enough, both of their parents are named Pam and Bill? Which speaking of, when Cameron meets Pam, she asks him to rap for her because she heard he used to in college and he delivers:
Honestly, I was prepared to be EXTREMELY embarrassed, but it was only slightly embarrassing. Overall, Pam likes Cameron, but she warns him that Lauren's dad is VERY protective on top of the fact that he's always wanted her to marry within their race. Cue meeting Lauren's dad:
They have a slightly tense conversation, but Cam just keeps telling Lauren's dad that she's the most amazing woman he's ever met and we also learn that his ex was black, so he's been in an interracial relationship before. Lauren's dad is skeptical (because they just met weeks ago), but assures him that he'll judge Cameron by the way he treats Lauren and if she loves him, he likes him.

The wedding
And tbh, they have the nicest looking wedding while all of the other ones look like they're taking place in a high school choir room.

As a note, this was me during most of their wedding:
ONLY LIGHTLY SOBBING along with both of them and their parents and ANYONE WHO BELIEVES IN LOVE. This is the one and only true love story to come out of this shit show. Glad to see things work out for hot people sometimes. Bless up.

What you're all here to read about: Jessica (and Mark)
Mark is a fitness trainer from Chicago. Jessica is probably one of the most terrible people I've ever seen on a reality show who's also from Chicago and is a regional manager at Box. She insists on talking in a baby voice when she's getting to know the guys because I think she must've read it as a flirting tip in Cosmo.

In the pods
They both like each other from the get-go because they have a lot in common, including the Chicago thing. However, once Jessica finds out Mark HAS THE AUDACITY to be 24, she's like wait but I'm the crypt keeper at 34 and must follow some rule created by no one to not date a 20-year-old.

As she doubts her feelings for Mark because she apparently pictures a 10-year age gap as meaning she is the old woman from Titanic and he is a toddler, she starts to like Barnett more. After Barnett makes some late night confession to Jessica that he'd marry her now, she decides Barnett is the one. Mind you, almost anyone with any sense who hears Barnett say "I'd marry you now," can tell he's saying it in a flippant, almost joking way. Jessica immediately runs to Mark's pod to dump him.

When she chats with Barnett later and tells him she's picked him and dumped Mark, Barnett is like wtf why did you do that. And explicitly tells her he didn't mean what he said because he's gonna be proposing to Amber. Jessica then cries and realizes if she wants to continue being on the show, she's gonna need to get engaged, so she runs back to Mark's pod and is like "omg jk about earlier." And because Mark genuinely cares for this Maleficent, he ends up proposing.

They finally meet and Jessica looks like she's holding her breath while kissing Mark as if she's trying to avoid inhaling a fart.
From this moment on, Jessica is on her "But our age difference!" campaign, noting that she is sure they will face "adversity" as a couple. ADVERSITY. Apparently dating a younger, fitness trainer is the hardest thing she has faced in her life. Can't wait to see the special Barbara Walters interview.

During the honeymoon trip
Jessica is immediately like "umm yeah I don't wanna have sex" because Mark is not physically her type (she keeps saying she dates "bigger" guys). But she does tell him he has two things going for him: 1) He doesn't snore and 2) He doesn't sweat in his sleep. Wow Jessica, only concerned about the deep, meaningful things here.

Interrupting me talking about how much of an Ursula Jessica is to say that there is one great, beautiful moment between them:
THIS BEAUTIFUL LUNCH SPREAD. THOSE SANDWICHES. THAT FRUIT BASKET. The apparent need for like 40 forks in that picnic basket. Swoon.

Back to the terrible moments. Jessica's lack of physical interest in Mark grows pretty rapidly, as she describes kissing him as "not feeling right" while making this face:
Which I guess in her defense, she always looks a little pruney, like you had the audacity to give her a regular Coke when she ordered Diet.

Weeks leading up to the wedding
Jessica continues to spend her time bringing up their age difference every 14 seconds while screaming that "people" are gonna have an issue with it (people = Jessica). Meanwhile, Mark mostly talks about his mom. So, they're totally on the same page, this is def gonna end well.

As she strives to find issues with their relationship instead of just flat out saying she isn't into him anymore, Jessica thinks that Mark being so emotionally available is a "red flag." This is funny because the only red flags in this scenario are her teeth from literally guzzling bottles of red wine. Y'all. I like a drink or 10 every now and then (rhyming, I am poetic yes), but this girl is on a whole different level. It's safe to assume she's blackout in 85% of the her camera time, it's baffling. I hope she's listing "liver" as one of her resume strengths.

At one point, she even GIVES HER DOG WINE FROM HER GLASS:
Look. This is some white people shit. I know she open mouth kisses her dog too. And I bet she's one of those people who travels to foreign countries but won't eat the local delicacies because of "sanitation." Thanks, I hate it.

Anyway, back to Jessica begging for someone else to say hers and Mark's age difference is a big deal. When she finally meets Mark's family, his mom is like:
And this is WITH Jessica trying to trap her into saying age is an issue. Cracking up at Jessica's pure inability to manipulate anyone but Mark.

For the most part, Jessica treats Mark like shit as he tries to think of different ways to make her fall in love with him so it's sad to see.

The wedding
Literally none of Jessica's family and friends show up for the wedding, so it's no shocker when she says no.
What's hilarious is this paid actress, I mean her "friend," feigning concern about how embarrassing this is for Jessica, when she has been a Messi-ca this entire season. This is objectively the least embarrassing thing to happen to her this season.
Overall, we're all left wondering the big question — will we as a collective human race ever hate someone more than Jessica? (The answer is yes, most of the people on Tiger King.)

Barnett & Amber
Barnett is an engineer, of what who knows could be a Disney imagineer for all we know. He is the epitome of a fuck boy, so naturally our girl Amber loves him.

Amber doesn't work, but was in the Georgia Army National Guard as a tank mechanic. I'm telling you that every one of us who was in the Army knows an Amber — Ambers are small, but down to fight at literally any moment. They talk with their hands and yell at the smallest inconvenience. They are always smokers and *just* pass the required time for the 2-mile run of the APFT. I'm not saying these are bad things, they're just facts.

In the pods
Barnett waivers between Amber, some other girl whose name I don't remember because she doesn't make it out of the pods, and bonkers ass Jessica. He eventually settles on Amber because she is the craziest and that's what he associates with an "exciting" relationship. He proposes, they both express that a cornerstone of their relationship is that the other "irks" them and is "frustrating," and then they meet in person so they can laugh into each other's teeth.
As it turns out, Amber is actually into a shit load of debt. $20K to be exact. And she's very much like, "Whatevs, I don't work, I don't have my own place and also my only credit card is a makeup credit card that I've maxed out." This troubles Barnett a bit, but not enough to convince him to get the hell out of this situation (and also I believe he fears her).

During the honeymoon trip
For the most part, they're like two puppies who have become aware that they're about to be neutered and must take advantage of every moment. Speaking of moments, my favorite one of them is when they take a day trip on a boat and we get this a close-up shot of this gorgeous fruit platter.

Weeks leading up to the wedding
They continue to be two horn dogs eating each other faces. Coincidentally enough, Barnett also kisses the same way he eats:
I'm still thinking about that pyramid of fried rice.

When Barnett meets Ambers mom, she likes him because he has a steady job and can support Amber (who as a reminder, does not work). On the other hand, meeting Barnett's parents is a little more stress inducing. Barnett is especially nervous about how Amber will fit in because his family is more conservative and quiet (and they don't drink). Why would he be nervous about them meeting Amber? Oh right this is why:
His parents and brother are all pretty unsure about the situation and want him to reconsider getting married. Which, I don't know what they're worried about, Amber is def mature enough and lolol jk here's her during the bachelorette party:

Also want to note that leading up to the wedding, Amber tells Barnett that she doesn't want her mom paying for any of the wedding because she's already done enough for her. Instead, she thinks "they" should cover everything and by "they" she means Barnett's bank account and the flies in Amber's wallet. Love a 50/50 partnership!

The wedding
Despite being worried his family wouldn't come, all of Barnett's family shows up and they both say yes. They're still together. Shocked.

The Jessica-Barnett-Amber Love Triangle
Okay so we know how Jessica and Mark and Amber and Barnett end up, but let's talk about the stupid love triangle that exists mostly in Jessica's head up until the weddings. Simply put, Jessica is obsessed with Barnett. Even though he explicitly tells her in the pods that she isn't the one for him, she still cannot hide her raging lady boner for him anytime they're within 10ft of each other. Here's one image that perfectly summarizes most of their interactions:
Anytime she has 14 drinks (so everyday), she stumbles to his frat yard, which is risky as hell considering Amber will LITERALLY kill her. I'm terrified for her. This fear is why during most of these interactions, Barnett reacts as such:
Fear aside, it's pretty clear through all of this that Barnett does actually love Amber and is faithful to her, despite Jessica taking every opportunity to weasel her way in.

A part of her weasel nature is constantly insinuating that if Barnett had ended up with her instead of Amber, we'd see a totally different version of him — mainly that he'd be more sophisticated, which is really taking a dig at Amber. In reality, Jessica is just salty as hell and can't stand to see that Barnett is actually in love with Amber. I wanna say it's sad to watch her pine after him and convince herself Barnett would be better off with her, but she's such a sea monster that it's tough to feel bad for her.

And now some of Jessica's other weasel moments.....

After the couples all move into the same apartment complex, they get together for Barnett's birthday and Jessica celebrates by having 145 drinks before dragging out a bat to beat this dead horse with.
She asks Barnett if his relationship with Amber is just purely physical, claiming she "just wants the best for him." Again, Jessica is literally risking her life because as she's talking to Barnett, Amber is watching while opening a Bud Light WITH HER FOREARM:
Despite her attempts to get Barnett to admit he just likes Amber for the sex, Barnett ONCE AGAIN tells Jessica's thirsty ass that he is not Gatorade and she's gonna need to find hydration elsewhere:
After yet another rejection, Jessica needs to be reminded that someone does like her, so she takes her drunk ass over to Mark to mostly do this:
Mark should've taken this moment as a warning of what a future with Jessica would include.

After the group goes to pick out their wedding attire, Jessica feels the need to talk to Barnett about their past relationship one last time because she is still Stage 5 Clinger-obsessed with him. Barnett addresses this off the bat, telling her that based on her behavior at his birthday, it seems like she keeps bringing up their past because she wishes she were with him. Jessica then GASLIGHTS ALL OF US:
This girl has been waving "I HEART YOU BARNETT" signs for WEEKS and taking every opportunity to ask if he's happy with Amber, but tries to act like it's obscene for Barnett to suggest she's still caught up on him. She claims she's known since Mexico that he and Amber were right for each other THEN IMMEDIATELY ASKS IF HE IS 100% SURE ABOUT AMBER. I cannot stand this woman.

After Barnett shoots her down again, Jessica is suddenly all about Mark. Later, when chatting with two of her "friends," she claims Mark is her "person."
I use air bunnies around "friends" because there is no way Jessica has actual friends, she's just too terrible. These women must be paid actresses.

In the finale of this love triangle that was never really a triangle, more of a circle with Barnett and Amber in it and a screaming Jessica square outside of it, Jessica and Amber have some face-to-face time. Heavy emphasis on the face part.
During their bachelorette party, Jessica gets blackout in approx 4 minutes and decides she has enough courage to speak to Amber. She tells her that she is "so in love" with Mark and would never do anything to come between Amber and Barnett. Amber tells her she's never felt threatened by her presence, but if she tried something with Barnett, she would take swift action.
Jessica then calls her "baby," 45 times while breathing what must be the rankest vodka soda breath ever on her before kissing her on the mouth. A lovely pre-wedding gift.

All in all, the main takeaway from this drama is — how the hell did Jessica not need to go to the hospital at least once for alcohol poisoning.

Damian & Giannina
Damian has THE MOST boring and monotone voice, is pretty insecure about being 5'4", and is definitely a Republican. Giannina is from Venezuela and taught herself English as a kid. She is a "business owner," but what that business is, nobody knows. Her Instagram bio says she's a "soulpreneur," which I take to mean she posts IG photos with super long "inspirational" quotes.

I love how everyone's job is so nondescript. Like are you just allowed to list anything as your occupation, because if I ever get on one of these shows I WILL be listing my job as supermodel firefighting doctor CEO golden doodle.

During the honeymoon trip
After lil Ginger and G get engaged, they have a few moments of pure bliss, including this moment of Damian risking bursting into flames by choosing to expose his raw chicken breasts to the sun:
But things in their relationship turn bad quicker than that avocado you bought yesterday and they proceed to have the most ridiculous, over the top, toxic relationship.

Weeks leading up to the wedding
They have petty, dumb as hell arguments every 30 minutes, usually because Damian thinks he's always right and Giannina thinks Damian doesn't listen to her when she's screaming at him. They are equals equally taking low blows at each other. The funniest of which happens after a fight when Giannina is like "You know how you say I'm the best sex you've ever had?" before adding this knockout punch:
When I tell you I screamed (which is coincidentally enough is a reaction Damian is unable to elicit HAHAH I'm sorry). He then proceeds to dig in the shred bin for any scrap of dignity by attempting to correct her with "I only said that one time." Screams.

Their other issues include Damian's lack of passion, his parents not wanting to meet her and Giannina constantly being on her phone (because remember she's an influencer).

Despite all of this and the fact that it seems to be bad for their collective health to be together, they remain committed and on the road to marriage.

The wedding
The toxicity of their relationship overflows at the altar when Giannina says yes but Damian says no, leading Giannina to immediately flee the scene:
Girl was moving at IMPRESSIVE speeds for someone in 4 inch stilettos. Even maneuvering through mud and running in the middle of the street. She eventually goes back to talk with Damian and it's as pointless as you can imagine. Their ordeal ends with Damian saying this:
Which is actually onpoint, since they're now back together (but dating like normal people, normal people who were previously engaged and almost got married).

Carlton & Diamond
Carlton and Diamond actually get engaged second (after Cameron and Lauren), but their love story is more of a limited series than an entire saga, ending early in the most dramatic way possible.

Carlton is a "social media influencer" who appeared on "Real Housewives of Atlanta" a while ago (as Cynthia's assistant). He talks a lot about how he's only dated models and Instagram girls in the past, but I guess he's now tired of clicking the link in the bio and wants to settle down.

Diamond is a former NBA dancer who danced for the Chicago Bulls and Atlanta Hawks.

During the honeymoon trip, Carlton feels he can finally admit to Diamond that he's bisexual — he didn't tell her this before because he wanted her to judge him for "how he loves" as opposed to "who he loves." Diamond feels like he misled her by not disclosing this in the beginning and Carlton thinks he didn't have to. They argue, say "fuck you" a lot, and Diamond gives the ring back before throwing her drink on Carlton and walking away.

As she's leaving, Carlton lobs one last insult:
And Diamond responds with Beyonce lyrics:
Which, not to fact check Diamond, but all women actually are average bitches compared to Beyonce. Like, Beyonce is literally the only woman on the planet who can tell a man he isn't married to an average bitch. Very sorry to reveal that we are all average bitches in comparison.

Kenny & Kelly
Look no offense to Kenny and Kelly, but they are boring as hell. If you haven't watched and want to know how their relationship unfolds, just imagine watching unseasoned chicken cook in the crockpot. It's bland at all stages and falls apart in the end. Kelly, who complains about wanting love and a best friend, ultimately decides that vanilla Kenny cannot satisfy her vanilla needs and slowly friend zones him over the course of their engagement. She says no at the altar and good guy Kenny handles it pretty well and thanks both of their families for being supportive.

And that's it! While this show was terrible for my well being, I'm glad it could bring us together to talk shit about Jessica. What a bonding experience.

See you all soon! Til then, find me testing the boundaries of how much cheese my lactose intolerant body can handle and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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