Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by Pardeep, who got exponentially more screentime during the Men Tell All (3 minutes) as compared to when he was on the actual season (30 seconds, max):

His look of exhaustion accurately demonstrates how I felt throughout all 120 minutes of this "tell all" that aired an hour later than usual because some random boy band holiday special aired first. Ah yes, there's nothing more refreshing than having Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick as the opening act for this reunion.

Anyway, how frustrating do you think it must be for Pardeep, who is a neuroscientist, to be around men like Peter and Martin who collectively share maybe one insanely gelled brain cell at most. As you can imagine, there's a lot of stupidity ahead, so let's jump in!

Because enduring all of this once wasn't enough

We kick things off by reliving all of the petty arguments that transpired, beginning with Will and Peter. 

You probably remember Will for being really in love with that bomber jacket he won during the Top Gun group date and Peter for owning a pizzeria, having a receding hairline and for only speaking in phrases from 80s sitcoms. 

We learn that men are entirely too emotional because these two ding dongs are still feuding. When Peter is talking about his pizzeria and how it provides for his family, Will jumps in like "Speaking of your family...tell your sister to stay out of my DMs" and y'all, I screamed. A real Petty of Five.

Peter says that his pizzeria has received some terrible Yelp reviews lately and he feels certain that Will is behind them. The best part of this is that we get to see some of these hilarious negative reviews on the big screen.

"Also the owner is a cowardly child" HAHA, might as well sign the review "Love always, Will." Even though Will claims he "doesn't have time" to do such things, we all know these dumbass men have endless hours to dedicate to being stupid, so.

After all of this unbelievably ignorant back and forth, Peter has Will served with papers suing him for "defamation of character," while he's saying, "Rest in Pizza" and dear God, what's actually illegal here is how incredibly corny Peter is. 

He's not even a formidable villain, more like one of the bad guys from Rocky & Bullwinkle who was always getting one upped by a literal squirrel and moose.

At the end of the evening, Peter surprises everyone with pizza flown in from his pizzeria in Florida (sounds very fresh) and Will admits it's pretty good and they end up shaking hands and burying the hatchet. This actually makes a lot of sense since they're both children and there's nothing that brings children together like pizza.

This man has surely cheated on every woman he's ever been with

We can't do a show-and-tell of this season's trash without noting Martin! We learn that he and his 90s dye job had a girlfriend before coming on the show, but they "took a break" while he was on the show and now they're back together. Yeah so um, that's called having a girlfriend while you're on the show. This is not a Ross and Rachel "we were on a break" situation. 

Once Michelle joins the group, he semi-apologizes for being a dick, but lets her know that being on the show taught him that GASP women actually deserve to be treated like humans. He had no idea before, but now he has found his "soul mate" who he "treats like a queen." Congrats to this poor woman who gets to be with Martin who just learned that women should be respected. I'm sure the "Sundays are for the Boys" flag he has hanging in his living room is so romantic. Swoon.

Speaking of Michelle, interjection to say....

Can you believe Michelle had to date some of these men

Michelle, who has those brows and that face and such a kind and big heart, had to endure men like Martin for several weeks. Where is her medal. She really shouldn't have to like, pay taxes or something for life just based on the fact that she held back from throat punching some of these fools.

How much patience I have for Jamie

The final boss of this dumpster pile —Jamie — returns and reminds us that he continues to look both old and young at the same time. He reveals that he's no longer gaslighting. No no, he's reached a point beyond gaslighting where he just exists in a forest fire nonstop. He still can't admit that it was pretty terrible that he started the whole rumor about "everyone" questioning Michelle's character and then walked around like "Omg who started that rumor."

Casey perfectly summarizes Jamie by saying he's "Tony Robbins off camera, uplifting everyone, but shitty on camera, like when he said Michelle was acting like she was on spring break."

While we're all swimming in Jamie's word vomit, Rodney tries to offer a life raft by telling Jamie to just simply apologize so everyone can move on. But see, that's impossible because when Jamie hears questions about apples, he responds with answers about steak. Nothing makes sense here, not even that metaphor.

He claims everything bad he did on camera was misinterpreted because he was "venting," an excuse that holds about as much water as cotton candy and Michelle calls him out for it. 

Finally after an hour and 40 minutes of every single person in the studio and across the street and in the next state telling him to just accept responsibility and apologize, the half broken lightbulb in his brain flickers. He tells Michelle that he's sorry she "felt disrespected" and apologizes. 

To be clear, this man for sure still doesn't know what an "apology" is, but I'm sure he could feel that promo code for powdered supergreens slipping through his fingers. Gotta remember what's really at stake here, #swipeup!

Enough with rummaging through the trash let's get to...

The good ones

Rick and his natural eyeliner only have kind and sweet things to say about Michelle, including "she listens to understand, not to respond." His presence on stage is like a mist of Febreze after the Peter/Will/Martin/Jamie shit show. 

I mean, look how he lights up when Michelle comes onstage! 

I know I said I was initially creeped out by him, but turns out I'm really into being creeped out. Who knew. Please join us for our spring wedding where our first dance will be to Radiohead's "Creep."

And we of course can't talk about the good guys without mentioning our favorite Mayor of the Friend Zone:

Tayshia and Kaitlyn make Rodney relive the painful breakup that we watched last week, where he told Michelle it would take a while for him to get over her because.....he was in love with her. He's for sure still an active member of the Michelle Young fan club and I think he's the sweetest, so much so that I would love to date hi.....s friend, do you know if any of his friends are single.  

Now while I think Rick and Rodney (oh wow, where's the spin-off show for them) are great, there's one standout guy.....

Who should've been the next Bachelor

Besides the fact that he's dressed better than everyone, Olu emerged as one of the best guys in the bunch. When Kaitlyn asks Michelle who she maybe sent home too early, she says she wishes she would've had more time with Olu because he always had her best interests in mind. And he really did. He avoided drama for the most part and focused only on Michelle (and also on his abs routine, because wow). 

But, instead of giving us a fun Bachelor season with Olu, the show decided we needed a bland ol' flavorless oatmeal of a season from Clayton. The preview for his season confirms this and I remain absolutely baffled as to why he was chosen. But hey, I imagine we'll peel back the layers of his personality during his season to reveal oh wait, there are no layers, just one. This onion has one layer. 

And that's it! Or well, I'm not mentioning how the show made Tayshia address her recent breakup with Zac because that entire bit felt completely random and forced and wtf ABC, she had her reasons. If a man made me run a marathon, I'd dump his ass too.

See you next week for Fantasy Suites! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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