Sunday, January 15, 2012

What Did We Learn From The Golden Globes?

Well, award show season is upon us, and it's my favorite season. Except for sweater season, God I love sweater season. Anyway, I like to relate the award shows to dances in high school, because I'm highly sophisticated. The Golden Globes are kind of like Homecoming. The Emmy's are like Winter Formal. And The Oscars are like Prom. Sorry bout it, but all of you other award shows (People's Choice Awards and the such) are just weekend ragers.

Now, I first need to point out that Ryan Seacrest is one of my mortal enemies. In the circle of life, I'd be the lion and he'd be the gazelle. The very injured gazelle. So I have this sort of stockholm syndrome relationship with E! mostly because everyone on that channel is a complete idiot (except Chelsea Handler). So I'll never understand why I subject myself to their pre-show that consists of Seacrest and company being awkward pre-pubescent teens with a bunch of A-list celebs. Anyway, here's what I took away from this year's show:

E! hosts are idiots.

Here's some of my favorite examples from tonight:

"Brad Pitt just got out of th
e car and walked over to open the door for Angelina. It was amazing."
Kelly Osbourne said this with the most earnest look on her face. As if she had just seen Brad Pitt save an elderly woman from being hit by a car while also carrying an injured kitten under his arm. So stop the presses! Brad Pitt knows how to open a car door! The evolution of man is complete! This also makes me question the "amazing" things Kelly has seen in her life. Poor girl.

"And what color is your dress?"

Seacrest asked Reese Witherspoon this in regards to her obviously red dress. I included the photo, complete with comparison to the very red carpet, so you could see for yourself. Confused by his complete idiocy, she said "Uh, red." Does no one give him any topics to cover with them? I guess once I start covering the red carpet, I can just ask things like "And how many eyes are you wearing tonight? How many fingers do you have?"

"Are you excited to be here?"
Giuliana Rancic, the other failure on E!, asked this to almost everyone she interviewed. What answer is she expecting? That Mila Kunis will say, "Oh God no, I hate being given a couture dress to wear to an event where all I do is sit and get drunk." On this note, let me just say, if I ever become even a D-list celebrity, I plan to go to every award show there is and drink every bottle of champagne at said event. And at the big events, I plan to take shots with Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren. Needless to say, I will be excited to be at anything.

I have found my future career.
Watching the pre-show coverage of the red carpet brought about an epiphany. I should be an actor's "handler." You know, the person that you see standing next to them, kind of dragging them along from camera to camera. Now, I would partially do this to either (a) become best friends with the celebrity or (b) have an affair with the celebrity's husband. But really, I'd do this so I could photobomb every single one of their shots. Sure, I'd lead them into the center of the photogs. But then I'd slowly ease into the background to fully show off my dress that I got from the Prom section at Dillards. Represent.

When you become famous, you can choose to have any accent you'd like.

Apparently, Madonna is British. I guess if you're married to a British man at some point and spend at least 30 days in London, you immediately gain a British accent. I can understand this science. One time I had a layover in Italy, so now it's really tough to keep my Italian accent from coming out. Actually, to be honest, whenever I'm impersonating different accents, no matter what, I always revert back to an Indian accent. It's unavoidable. Must be from that time I flew over India. Might as well apply for citizenship. Back to Madonna. I must continue to say that I do not support her winning anything at these shows. Unless it's a bench press competition.

Meryl Streep is a bad bitch.

Actually, I didn't just learn this. I've known for ages. I think we were taught this in elementary school in social studies. Between learning about the Revolutionary War and Pearl Harbor, we covered how that if Meryl Streep is ever in any movie, she will be nominated for every award, and she will win. I mean, I'm pretty sure she'll win an Espy later this year. And probably the Stanley Cup. Additionally, she looked like she literally remembered 30 minutes before the show that she needed to attend (since she'd be winning everything) and threw on some clothes and rode over in her golden carriage. She is the only one who can pull this off. I'm sure every other actress spent their entire day primping, just so they could sit in the audience. But no no, not Meryl. She does what she wants, then she takes shots with Helen Mirren.

Botox is bad.

I'd rather not make any comments, since I know Michelle Pfeiffer reads this blog. But when she was speaking, I'm pretty sure she was trying to suck my soul through the TV. You know, to keep her young.

Sarah Michelle Gellar remains to be my nemesis.

Really, it was just a reason to post this photo of the woman who took my first boyfriend from me. And by "boyfriend" I mean Freddie Prinze, Jr. And no, it's not like that day they got married, I cried or anything. That would be absolutely ridiculous and semi-creepy. But she knows what she did and she knows what she is.

Pregnancy can occur via television waves.

Case in point. Though it's hard, I'm going to try to hold back here on the inappropriateness (that's what she said). There really should be some sort of warning prior to the show.

All in all, the Golden Globes weren't too shabby. For next year, I'd suggest more alcohol. And less "artsy" movies/shows winning. And, I think it'd be better if we let the actor's choose the song that they walk onto the stage to. Personally, being the astute professional I am, I'd choose the love ballad, "Move, Bitch" by classical performer Ludacris.

Either way, cheers to awards show season!

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