Critiquing the Critics Choice Awards

Much to our surprise, the Critics Choice Awards happened this December as opposed to next January (when they usually air). Meaning, we got TWO Critics Choice Awards in one year. This is exactly the level of freedom our forefathers imagined.

Unfortunately though, Jeopardy champions E! did not host a red carpet. Terrible loss. Rumor has it they were banned from even having a show thanks to the 459 handwritten complaints sent by someone. Who even knows who that shero is.

Before we jump in, here's a random Chrissy Teigen gif. She was not in attendance but I have to feature her in every post and I've also realized a post's first photo is what shows up as the thumbnail and I can't have vampire Lily Collins scaring everyone.

Also, if you're looking for an actual list of winners (how boring) check them here.

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VV excited, here we go!

Here's why E! actually wasn't on the red carpet.

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Lily Collins clearly ate them. Or sucked their blood. I'm not exactly sure what vampire protocol is these days. Her whole lace dress get up complemented by eye makeup made of her victims dried blood and foundation made of their bone dust scared the actual shit out of me. I tried not to make eye contact with the TV too much during this time because I was unsure of the reach of her powers. But on a positive human note, those brows. THOSE BROWS. Always on point no matter the status of her soul.

The quest for number one chest is upon us.

The holiday season is here and cooler temps are abound (even in Los Angeles). So, it makes sense to trim out that pesky part of the dress that covers the majority of your chest. I'm with you Emmy, Kate and Mandy. What do you think happens to that lost material? Do you think they get some sort of bonus dickie made of their dresses fabric? I hope so. Lost material during the holiday season is tragic.

Sometimes it's hard to believe Kaley Cuoco is the highest paid actress on TV.

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What is even happening here. This is what most of us look like when we spend a night out drinking then realize the next morning that we have brunch reservations. Rushing out the door wearing the same pants from last night that you also slept in (for efficiency) while grabbing a curtain from Martha Washington's room as a top. And brush? Both teeth and hair versions, who needs them? I'm a bit at a loss for this top. It's part tree skirt, part old Barbie haunted mansion decor. But I guess when you're getting $1 million per episode, you can do anything you want.

Bear couture is in.

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98% of my brain is dedicated to information relating to celebrities of every caliber. So, it's a pretty big deal that I cannot for the life of me recall why Bella Thorne is a thing. Fame confusion aside, I kind of like this dress? How the design seems to be partially complete like a bear ripped off half of it in the process and the designer was like "ART." Bear claw fashion is one of my faves. If I wore this, I'd be concerned about falling at some point in the night causing the dress to get pulled by Magneto or just honestly some sort of magnet, exposing me through the sheer side. All chicken and eggs on display. I just don't know if that's how I want Ryan Gosling to remember me despite the many letters/photos I've already sent. Which speaking of...

The Goose is loose.

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I can't stand people who deny how attractive Ryan Gosling is. They're the same people who actually just eat the serving size of "two tablespoons" of peanut butter and dab grease off their pizza with paper towels. POOR JUDGMENT AND UNTRUSTWORTHY. Goosey is universal, like Nutella and cheese (not together, er wait, maybe together, will let you know). I'm adamant in the fact that suits were invented to be worn by him. And okay, so maybe this gesture he's doing is the same one he's done to my face when I've ran up to him claiming pregnancy and various other entrapping methods. Look at the size of that hand. And you know what they say. The bigger the hand, the bigger the cooking mitt to take the large cookie cake out of the oven for me. Wait, what were we talking about.

The only thing better than one Ryan is two Ryans.

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I want to preface this by pointing out Ryan Reynolds is wearing a double-breasted suit, which is generally something I'm not a fan of. But I guess when you have 64-pack abs, literally any kind of breast looks good on you. This photo presents an immediate need a movie starring both of them. Called "The Notebook II: Shirtlessly fighting for Kristi's love by bringing her wiener dogs to pet and pancakes to eat." Gotta make sure the producers don't mess up that tagline, I can't tell you how many times I've petted pancakes. Embarrassing to say the least.

I also need to say that Ryan Reynolds was recognized as "Entertainer of the Year." Yeah, you didn't misread that. Apparently everyone else was busy or something. As far as I know, he was in Deadpool? And then a bunch of Blake Lively's Instagram pics? Is that the bar we're judging against? Because if so, I'm looking forward to nominating that Geico gecko next year. And I assume David Beckham will accept the award, as the voice of said gecko.

Does Rami Malek love me or is he trying to kill me?

Look at those adorable kookoo eyes. I like to toe the line between wondering if he'll sweep me away to some tropical island for a relaxing vacation or literally sweep me away under a house. Jk about that last part, he of course wouldn't do that, look at his cute green velvet jacket! It's always so nice when a jawline like that cuts through the cold, tin shell of a heart doctors told me I once had.

MiBusy are peak friendship goals.

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I don't know if you ever watched this American treasure of a show called "Dawson's Creek," but Michelle Williams and Busy Philips are the two best things to come from it. As we all know, Michelle makes like one movie a year and it's always amazing and she always gets nominated. In turn, she ALWAYS brings Busy as her date to every awards show. And it's the best and and someone should really play Paula Cole's "I Don't Wanna Wait" whenever they're together. I suggest you follow Busy on Snapchat because she documents these fancy nights out, and it's what I imagine I'll do once I've starred in a 90s teen drama with Jennifer Lawrence and we exchange knotted friendship bracelets and I then accompany her on her quest to 100 Oscars.

Not usually a fan of Boring Biel, but those bangs!

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I spend at least 20 minutes every Tuesday wondering how Jessica Biel nabbed Justin Timberlake. Do you think it's her super cool stories about 7th Heaven? Boringness aside, I'm onboard with these asymmetrical bangs (or fringe as we say when we're faking a British accent). 10 points for House Boringdor!

For no particular reason, I like mustaches now.

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Fa la la la la la La La Land.

Seven awards including Best Picture. I cannot comprehend why Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling aren't a thing in real life. They star in a movie almost every year and I've sent them countless mock-ups of their wedding invite, so I mean, I don't know what the hold-up is. Nonetheless, looking forward to seeing their movie rack up the Golden Globes and Oscars.

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And finally, favorite dress of the night. #StoneSlays

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See you later this month for Golden Globe predictions (I need to let the nominations marinate) and next month for the big show!

What did we learn from the 2016 Emmy Awards?

If you think I'm going to be completely predictable by opening this post by bashing poor Giuliana Rancic, then yes, put your tarot cards away because I absolutely am. Creature of habit you know.

So Jerry Seinfeld is actually the one claiming he doesn't understand his presence at the show, but my highly evolved brain immediately heard and saw the words falling out of Rancic's mouth. Because it is the question I yell at security when they stop me 100 yards from the Red Carpet: "BUT WHY IS RANCIC HERE. WHY IS SHE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, DO YOU." 

Anyway, she wore a dress made of those lacy/sheer curtains your grandma has in her "sitting room" that no one goes in and that are full of dust and bones and cats and cat bones. 

I could go on forever, but in the words of critically acclaimed actress Jennifer Lopez, ENOUGH. 

To the show!

Fashion is confusing.

I don't claim to be a "fashionista," but I did have a pink, glittery sticker on my Trapper Keeper in 6th grade that said that, so, I don't know you do the math. Also, please admire my cropping/editng skills with this photoset. What can I say, some of us have it all. Anyway, these were the dresses that made me say, "Wait, what, why." 

Mandy Moore's dress looks like it'd be fun to wear. Like you'd want to swing your hips around saying "swish swish swish." But what was this swishy dress made of? Cheez Whiz? Dorito dust? Rumor has it someone threw milk and elbow macaroni on her at the after party and she turned into Kraft Mac & Cheese. 

Okay Robin Wright. The off-center front slip. The general glittery-Wet Seal nature. Those strappy stilettos from the shoe section of Forever21. This is like what those "bad" girls at your high school who smoked in the locker room wore to Homecoming freshman year while you wore a pastel church dress. And she kept standing like that, kind of legs apart as if she had just sat in a puddle and was trying to air dry her butt. That Robin Wright aint about swamp ass life. 

Kristen Bell couldn't decide if she wanted to be sexy or a bird lady so she did both! Drapey, curtain-like boob covers on top with an actual comforter on the bottom. Sources tell me Aziz Ansari was found at the after party napping in it.

Sarah Hyland's dress doubled as a table runner, creating the perfect setting at the aforementioned after party. To be honest, this top was so close to being a masterpiece. All she needed was pockets in both sides to slip her arms into, therefore allowing her to flap around as a pterodactyl. Who doesn't love a good pterodactyl dress?

Constantly yelling on Twitter about something, works.

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In this day and age, it's important to utilize the power of social media for good. Which is why I have focused on demanding Tatiana Maslany win every award since Orphan Black premiered in 2013. I'm not one for repetitive dramatics and unnecessary caps lock but T.MAS PLAYS EVERY MAIN CHARACTER ON THE SHOW. EVERY MAIN CHARACTER. SHE MEMORIZES 50 MILLION LINES A WEEK. I cannot express how emotionally affected I would have been had Oompa Loompa Claire Danes swooped in and stole the award with her so-called talons. It's important to understand that yes, all of the other actresses are great in their ONE role on their show. Our T.Ma$ is great in all 50 roles she plays. ALL OF THEM. TRY TO DEBATE ME ON THIS, I WILL DESTROY THE KEYS ON THIS KEYBOARD IN A SECOND.

Also she brought along this century's best accessory, Tom Cullen (stop playing like you don't remember Lady Mary kissing and dismissing him on Downton. That Mary was savage). She and this hot piece of beard are the undisputed, most beautiful couple in the world. I took a poll, trust me.

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I'm now wondering if my own wedding or someone else birthing my baby for me (my body's not trying to do that) will bring me as much joy as T.Mas finally winning. Some call that "sad" and also "creepily obsessed," but I call it a "completely normal connection to someone I've never met despite repeated attempts and continual Googling of home address."

Operation Have Kids with Bigger, Non-Asian Eyes is underway

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My little pocket prince did it! I don't know if the Emmys are trying to make up for past mistakes, but I accept. I also accept partial credit for his win because I started watching Mr. Robot a few hours before the Emmys. I just got so tired of Rami asking me to watch and also him constantly sending shirtless pics declaring his love for me. Per science, his big blue eyes plus my tiny brown specks will give our kids perfectly sized eyes that can't be blocked with a simple #2 pencil. If you could spread the word about our relationship, that'd be great: #Krami and/or #McMalek.

Constance Wu was styled by J.Lo, circa 2000

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That slicked back high ponytail. Those ho' hoops. That plunging neckline and drapey dress. Throw in a P.Diddy and I'd swear we'd traveled back in time. I hope Constance got to at least sing "Love Don't Cost a Thing" at the after party.

I will accept a face transplant from:

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Do you think Emilia Clarke gets tired of having the best face, hair, make-up and dress at every single show? It must be exhausting. She's a saint for doing it. While she didn't win Best Supporting Actress in a Drama (despite the months I spent picketing outside of the Academy), she still holds the title for World's Best Haver of Eyebrows. A title that, to be honest, requires much more talent and skill than riding dragons and emerging naked from fire.

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Brows. Big wavy hair. Smug look. The winning trio. For those of you who don't spend hours on her Wikipedia page, Tori Kelly is a quarter Jamaican and a quarter Puerto Rican. And she writes her own music and plays the guitar and sings. She also nurses injured baby birds back to health, rescues orphaned seals, can whittle a kazoo from a log, can speak to animals, can Matilda move things with her mind and knows all the words to every Missy Elliot song. 

Women are funnier than men. Deal with it.

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Amy finally got her Emmy and her and Tina became the first joint winners of any Emmy category. Show me someone who doesn't think they are funny and I'll show you an Ursula masquerading as a human.

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Kate McKinnon became the first SNL cast member to win a major acting category and the fourth EVER to win an Emmy for the show. Only Chevy Chase, Dana Carvey and Gilda Radner have won in the past. Both Ellen and Hillary love her impressions of them AND she's a Ghostbuster, so, honestly what can be left on her vision board.

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This is the answer I was looking for in response to Failiana. While Amy didn't take home any awards, she convinced Maggie Smith to come to the after party and they drank 23 1/2 bottles of vodka then called Rihanna who met them at whatever club it is that Lauren Conrad always went to on The Hills where they drank 5 additional bottles of gin before buying an In-n-Out (the entire place) on the way home three days later. If that's not worth more than an Emmy, I don't know what is.

Game of Veep

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Best Drama Series, again. And now the show with the most Emmys ever with 38, beating Frasier's previous record of 37. Turns out dragons and swords and threats of winter are much better than tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Even if you don't watch Game of Thrones, find out what your best friend's boyfriend's mom's neighbor's HBO Go log-in is so you can watch the episodes, "Hold the Door" and "Battle of the Bastards." Reason enough for the show to win.

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Don't tell Friends I said this, but Veep might be the funniest show ever. The writing. The cast. The Julia Louis-Dreyfus. 500 more seasons will not be enough. I wonder if Modern Family misses being prom queen because Veep snatched that wig ages ago and is never letting go.

Other notes:

• Every male actor is apparently dating "the hottest chick in the game"
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus' speech made me feel real human emotions, something I normally reserve for my annual viewing of Marley & Me
• Who invited Neve Campbell?

I leave you with Priyanka Chopra doing what she did down the entire Red Carpet, introducing me to what I guess I should do when entering any room for any reason. Thanks Pri-Pri.

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What did we learn from the 2016 Grammys?

I wasn't exactly stoked for the Grammys this year because Adele's album didn't make the cut to be considered, so I knew my overall "YAS" count would be greatly diminished. So, in light of this, I only watched 3 hours of pre-show coverage before the show.

Giuliana Rancic continues to haunt our dreams and real life. She wore a dress comprised of highly reflective mirrors, something I can only assume the evil queen from Snow White pieced together. Do you think Seacrest looked into each one and asked who the fairest one of them all was?

Hearing me complain about E!'s red carpet after every show must make you must wonder, "Kristi, why do you continue to watch it?" There is no logical answer. Sucker for torture I guess, and this torture is the worst kind. Hearing Giuliana say things like "I literally can't" every 15 seconds and "amazeballs" is how I assume war criminals are tortured. This gif isn't from the Grammys or even this year, but I find it highly relevant.

ONTO THE SHOW!


Swifty and Selena Gomez got new friendship bracelets

The Glam Bot is perhaps the only intelligent thing E! has put to use in the last 1000 years. I absolutely love slow motion. I wish during every work meeting, someone would ask "Where's Kristi?" And I'd pop through the door like this gif, but with a little more hair flipping, like "Yes, bitch, here I am." Now, let me preface this with the fact that Rihanna wasn't at the Grammys (CRYING ALL THE TEARS) and thus, the red carpet was wide open for slaying. Kudos for Tay and Selenita for capitalizing on the occasion. 

Additionally, Selena only wore that blue dress on the red carpet. She changed into this number for the show:

My guess is this was snapped right after Bieber came on stage and attempted to "sing acoustically." I don't even want to subject you to images or gifs of that because it was completely horrendous. The performance turned into something straight out of the Vans Warped Tour, circa 2008, full of long tank tops and teeny pants. Thoughts and prayers for everyone subjected to it.

I'd like to spend the weekend with The Weeknd

I'm wondering, is it possible to become pregnant via television waves? I feel in about 9 months my doctor will say yes. While I'm generally confused about the hair situation, his voice makes me forget about it. He wore a classy AF tuxedo to perform and he has the cutest dance moves, which sounds like a line straight out of my middle school diary. OMG DIARY, HE'S SO CUTE AND CAN DANCE. Anyway, to be honest I love him and Bella Hadid. I imagine they'll have beautiful children born with amazing voices capable of curing world hunger. But until then, if you want to spread the hashtag #McWeeknd that'd be great.


To everyone criticizing Adele's performance:

STAHP IT. 99% of the people shitting on her performance probably can't sing one line of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" without cats dying. I mean, sure, her sound guy was probably fired and marooned to some unknown island in the Pacific, forced to listen to Nickelback on repeat for the rest of his life, but is that our business? No. Adele could literally scream along to the lyrically complex love song "I Don't Fuck With You" while having a terrible cold and on heavy drugs, and she'd still sound better than 100% of the population.


In the case we need to repopulate the world: Carrie Underwood + Sam Hunt

I was about as familiar with Sam Smith as Kim K is with "books." But this performance, you guys. Who do you even have a crush on more. I mean, I've loved Carrie Underwood for a while (my "country" music collection includes only her songs), but Sam Hunt where have you been all my life. Ok and yes, his voice isn't that great, but whose is compared to C.Woody (she hates when I call her that). Look, if some sort of apocalyptic situation occurs, let's ensure we get them to a shelter so they can repopulate the earth. The Weeknd and I will handle adding a little ethnicity to the mix.

Is James Bay maybe good looking?

Is this some sort of shampoo commercial, because the hair. James and Tori Kelly proved you can in fact perform acoustically without sounding like compleBieber shit. This was definitely one of my fav of the night, and it was just a mash-up of their own songs. Again, my heart questioned, "Do we find James Bay attractive?" To which I came to the conclusion that I'd let him serenade me in a park, but only if he also brought meatball subs. Or maybe some sort of charcuterie. Who doesn't love a good coot board. 

Chrissy Teigen has won pregnancy

I don't know if you guys are aware, but I'm mildly obsessed with Chrissy T. And by "mildly" I mean I've used Google Street View to find hers and John's condo in New York (which they've recently sold, so that creeping was a waste). Anyway, I'm pretty good at hiding my obsession (and the lower back tattoo I have that says "Love CT" above a dolphin jumping over a moon). But look at them. I can't even type my emotions. CT deserves a trophy simply for wearing white while pregnant. I imagine I won't be able to do that because I'll constantly be in a bucket of chicken wings or pancake syrup. She is a champion for women everywhere.


Final Thoughts:

• Kendrick Lamar, forever. I would buy an audiobook of him reading a 401K pamphlet.
• Who invited Kaley Cuoco?
• I continue my campaign against "Uptown Funk." I await some sort of formal reprimand against Bruno Mars for yelling at Beyonce to announce the winner of Record of the Year. You can't just yell at royalty. You can't.
• Who invited Ariana Grande?

I leave you with Tori Kelly.

What Did We Learn from the 2015 Oscars?

1.  Anna Kendrick elicits an involuntary reaction. Mainly, I grab my head and yell "YAAAAAAS." When she appeared on the red carpet, I wasn't even looking at the TV. In fact, I was staring contently at a burrito, because, date night you know. Anyway, then I hear them announce Anna Kendrick, and I immediately lost my shit. And for someone to steal my attention away from an amazing burrito, that's saying something. Also, she obviously slayed the fashion game with this gown and the minimal jewelry.

2.  Rosamund Pike, Reese Witherspoon and Emma Stone also nailed it. Didn't Rosamund Pike have a baby like 30 minutes ago? That Amazing Amy is something (oh big surprise that I went for the easy reference there). And has Reese ever worn anything terrible? Even when she wore bright pink dresses to the "Legally Blonde" premieres, it was like "Oh, she's just being Reese." Lastly, Emma is almost on the head-grabbing level of Anna Kendrick. As a note, I was rooting for any of these ladies to win and obviously they didn't because The Academy continues to ignore the Power Point presentations I send them.

3.  ScarJo came dressed as Miley. Did someone send her a joke invite that said it was a costume party? That ScarJo is so silly. She's probably too busy homewrecking and eating cigarettes to keep her voice scratchy to take the time to read an actual invite. Okay, so the homewrecking allegation is unfounded, I just assume she is exactly like her character in "He's Just Not That Into You," SUE ME. The eating cigarettes thing is totally true though. I saw her do it once and not even on a dare.

4.  Gaga finished the dishes then decided to amaze us with a tribute to "The Sound of Music." I think people forget that she has such an amazing voice, which is hard to believe since she really showed her vocal range in such power ballads as "Poker Face" and "Alejandro." Broadway classics for sure. I'm not going to linger on the red gloves debacle except to say, don't you think her hands were sweaty? I bet she took them off and her hands were all soggy. In the gif below, she's not even doing that hand motion in honor of Julia Andrews. She's doing it to air those hands out. 

5.  Eddie Redmayne reached expert level in being our Taylor Swift. First, I'll say something nice. I enjoyed that suit. The whole navy suit deal is superb. In fact, Ansel Elgort (who was sitting behind Eddie Swift) was wearing essentially the same suit. Sadly, I only looked at the suit for 2 seconds before once again zoning in on his confusingly chapped lips. Are they chapped? Aren't they? You know who he should become friends with -- LL Cool J. He's always licking his lips. He understands the struggle of perpetual chappedness. 

6.  John Travolta is frightening. Was he abducted by aliens at some point? Or like, did he participate in some sort of brain swap program with a lamp? To see if lamps could in fact take on human brain function.  Also, do you think if I pull just one of his hairs out, the whole deal will just poof into a bunch of tiny doll hairs? And we can't forget that chain. Do you think he put it on and his wife was like "OMG, you look so handsome!" Because I know I too think that jewelry similar in appearance to door chains is soooo luxurious. In both of these photos, I know he's only touching these women as a way of testing to see if he can suck the youth out of them. 

7.  Matthew McConaughey looked like the creepy guy who is always hanging out at your local gas station. You know, the guy who smells like a mixture of must, coffee, cigarettes and general dirtiness. And I'm not insinuating that he got some sort of pubes hair transplant for that beard, but if you want to spread that rumor, it's cool. #bubblebathbeard has evolved.

8.  I want Meryl and J.Lo to follow me around and be my life cheerleaders. Having Meryl clap for you is worth more than the entire economy of some countries. If I ever win any major award, I plan to spend the entire 8 seconds I get before being played off to thank Meryl, in hopes of being blessed with the #MerylPoint.

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9.  Speaking of moments that made me clap and point and yell YAAAS:

10.  Apparently filming a movie for 12 years doesn't always guarantee you an award. I'm not specifically referring to anyone here or anything. But I guess that documentary of me eating tofu every day for 12 years isn't going to do as well as I thought. #Soyhood

11.  Felicity Jones should've won an award for Best Bangs because seriously, do you understand how hard bangs are. On the spectrum of things, they're probably around the same level of difficulty as open heart surgery.  Also, to be quite honest, Eddie Chapped Lips should've shared his award with her because her performance in "The Theory of Everything" was amazing. And actually, her bangs were amazing in that too. WHAT'S A GIRL GOTTA DO TO GET AN AWARD FOR BANGS?

12.  Emma Stone. Lego Oscar. That is all. (And kudos to her mom, who is Julie Andrews' twin)

13.  Patricia Arquette copied my post-drunken-night-I'm-now-hungover-give-me-toast bird nest hairdo. People don't understand the skill that goes into this look. I'm also taking his opportunity to point out that Meryl was nominated in this category and didn't win. You all know what happens when Meryl is nominated and doesn't win right? I'll give you hint -- JNCO Jeans are now making a comeback. When you upset the Meryl, she punishes you with a plague of terrible fashion.

14. I'm obviously ending this post with the most beautiful couple at the event: Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. Or, as I call them, Mrs. and Mr. Teig. She was gorg at the event, then changed into a dress with cutouts for the after party and ate In-n-Out. Please look at the amazed look on the men's faces in the background. Because seeing someone in Hollywood eat the food at an event is like Jessica Chastain getting a zit. DOESN'T HAPPEN.

Thanks, Oscars! Let's hope Emma Stone and Anna Kendrick are hosting next year. #Stonedrick2016