Monday, February 23, 2015

What Did We Learn from the 2015 Oscars?

1.  Anna Kendrick elicits an involuntary reaction. Mainly, I grab my head and yell "YAAAAAAS." When she appeared on the red carpet, I wasn't even looking at the TV. In fact, I was staring contently at a burrito, because, date night you know. Anyway, then I hear them announce Anna Kendrick, and I immediately lost my shit. And for someone to steal my attention away from an amazing burrito, that's saying something. Also, she obviously slayed the fashion game with this gown and the minimal jewelry.

2.  Rosamund Pike, Reese Witherspoon and Emma Stone also nailed it. Didn't Rosamund Pike have a baby like 30 minutes ago? That Amazing Amy is something (oh big surprise that I went for the easy reference there). And has Reese ever worn anything terrible? Even when she wore bright pink dresses to the "Legally Blonde" premieres, it was like "Oh, she's just being Reese." Lastly, Emma is almost on the head-grabbing level of Anna Kendrick. As a note, I was rooting for any of these ladies to win and obviously they didn't because The Academy continues to ignore the Power Point presentations I send them.

3.  ScarJo came dressed as Miley. Did someone send her a joke invite that said it was a costume party? That ScarJo is so silly. She's probably too busy homewrecking and eating cigarettes to keep her voice scratchy to take the time to read an actual invite. Okay, so the homewrecking allegation is unfounded, I just assume she is exactly like her character in "He's Just Not That Into You," SUE ME. The eating cigarettes thing is totally true though. I saw her do it once and not even on a dare.

4.  Gaga finished the dishes then decided to amaze us with a tribute to "The Sound of Music." I think people forget that she has such an amazing voice, which is hard to believe since she really showed her vocal range in such power ballads as "Poker Face" and "Alejandro." Broadway classics for sure. I'm not going to linger on the red gloves debacle except to say, don't you think her hands were sweaty? I bet she took them off and her hands were all soggy. In the gif below, she's not even doing that hand motion in honor of Julia Andrews. She's doing it to air those hands out. 

5.  Eddie Redmayne reached expert level in being our Taylor Swift. First, I'll say something nice. I enjoyed that suit. The whole navy suit deal is superb. In fact, Ansel Elgort (who was sitting behind Eddie Swift) was wearing essentially the same suit. Sadly, I only looked at the suit for 2 seconds before once again zoning in on his confusingly chapped lips. Are they chapped? Aren't they? You know who he should become friends with -- LL Cool J. He's always licking his lips. He understands the struggle of perpetual chappedness. 

6.  John Travolta is frightening. Was he abducted by aliens at some point? Or like, did he participate in some sort of brain swap program with a lamp? To see if lamps could in fact take on human brain function.  Also, do you think if I pull just one of his hairs out, the whole deal will just poof into a bunch of tiny doll hairs? And we can't forget that chain. Do you think he put it on and his wife was like "OMG, you look so handsome!" Because I know I too think that jewelry similar in appearance to door chains is soooo luxurious. In both of these photos, I know he's only touching these women as a way of testing to see if he can suck the youth out of them. 

7.  Matthew McConaughey looked like the creepy guy who is always hanging out at your local gas station. You know, the guy who smells like a mixture of must, coffee, cigarettes and general dirtiness. And I'm not insinuating that he got some sort of pubes hair transplant for that beard, but if you want to spread that rumor, it's cool. #bubblebathbeard has evolved.

8.  I want Meryl and J.Lo to follow me around and be my life cheerleaders. Having Meryl clap for you is worth more than the entire economy of some countries. If I ever win any major award, I plan to spend the entire 8 seconds I get before being played off to thank Meryl, in hopes of being blessed with the #MerylPoint.
9.  Speaking of moments that made me clap and point and yell YAAAS:

10.  Apparently filming a movie for 12 years doesn't always guarantee you an award. I'm not specifically referring to anyone here or anything. But I guess that documentary of me eating tofu every day for 12 years isn't going to do as well as I thought. #Soyhood

11.  Felicity Jones should've won an award for Best Bangs because seriously, do you understand how hard bangs are. On the spectrum of things, they're probably around the same level of difficulty as open heart surgery.  Also, to be quite honest, Eddie Chapped Lips should've shared his award with her because her performance in "The Theory of Everything" was amazing. And actually, her bangs were amazing in that too. WHAT'S A GIRL GOTTA DO TO GET AN AWARD FOR BANGS?

12.  Emma Stone. Lego Oscar. That is all. (And kudos to her mom, who is Julie Andrews' twin)

13.  Patricia Arquette copied my post-drunken-night-I'm-now-hungover-give-me-toast bird nest hairdo. People don't understand the skill that goes into this look. I'm also taking his opportunity to point out that Meryl was nominated in this category and didn't win. You all know what happens when Meryl is nominated and doesn't win right? I'll give you hint -- JNCO Jeans are now making a comeback. When you upset the Meryl, she punishes you with a plague of terrible fashion.

14. I'm obviously ending this post with the most beautiful couple at the event: Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. Or, as I call them, Mrs. and Mr. Teig. She was gorg at the event, then changed into a dress with cutouts for the after party and ate In-n-Out. Please look at the amazed look on the men's faces in the background. Because seeing someone in Hollywood eat the food at an event is like Jessica Chastain getting a zit. DOESN'T HAPPEN.

Thanks, Oscars! Let's hope Emma Stone and Anna Kendrick are hosting next year. #Stonedrick2016

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