Tuesday, February 10, 2015

What Did We Learn from the 2015 Grammy Awards?

First off, I'm currently the epitome of a First World Problem and do not have internet at my apartment, so I'm pilfering Whole Foods free WiFi while eating my purchases of organic, Argentinian grown baby carrots and kale grown by blind monks (thanks to Chloe for this witty inject).

Let me continue to preface this post by stating that I was unable to watch E!s red carpet coverage. And I don't mean "unable" like it physically pained me, but I actually didn't have access to the channel. So apologies for the lack of Seacrest/Rancic commentary, but I imagine much of their coverage went like this:

Seacrest: Is it hard picking out an outfit?
Every celebrity: No, I'm a human. With a brain. Shoo fly.

To the biznazz:

1.  Women (continued to) own the suit. Rihanna. Anna Kendrick. Charli XCX. Danielle Haim. Let's just note that RiRi's was oversized and she still looked better than me at my high school prom. And Anna Kendrick is giving off the vibe I try to emit when on job interviews, but apparently when I don't wear a shirt under my jacket it's deemed "inappropriate." DOUBLE STANDARD. Though I suppose Anna could wear a potato sack and Chanel would come out with a line of Kendrick Potato Sacks the next day.

2.  Sia won the hair game. First, I am such a fan of this whole "don't show your face thing" and "it's all about the music," because to be honest, Sia is a badass bitch who wrote "Diamonds" in 45 minutes. Do you think she stored snacks under there? Maybe a bag or two of Peanut M&Ms. It should be noted, she looks like what I look like immediately after blow drying my hair. I’m not exaggerating. Just big and fluffy, bangs all over the place. I know, I know, Kristi, how do you not have a boyfriend? Maybe I’m not putting enough cat pictures on my dating profile.

3.  Kristen Wiig is captivating. I kidd you not, when she appeared on stage, I literally jumped onto my bed and put my chin on my hands like I was expecting a bed time story from Mary Poppins. She and Maddie executed the ONE dance move I wish to do on public television – rip off clothes to reveal a nude bodysuit. Though, to be fair, my nude bodysuit would be bejeweled like Britney because that’s the only way to go about it. 
4.  Beck became a Google sensation. First off, no one beats Beyonce in her house. NO ONE. Except maybe Sam Smith. And I’m not completely biased because I saw Beck live last summer. It was the most amazing nap I’ve ever experienced. Let's be honest, a category with Beyonce, who blew our minds with that surprise album, and Sam Smith whose voice can cure world hunger? It’s like the yellow Starburst winning Best Starburst Flavor. UNBELIEVABLE. This was a moment when I was in complete agreement with Kimmy, "Who?"
5.  Beyonce winning elicits an involuntary response. Mostly “YAAAAAAAS YONCE YAAAAAAS.” It absolutely surprises the shit out of me, yet I am completely fine with it. I’ve never seen my body react so involuntarily with the exception of Chipotle. YAAAAS CHIPO-PO YAAAAAAS. I decided to include this photo mostly for the woman on the right. She is me at the Grammys. Gets to sit next to Queen Bey. Finally gets in a picture with her. Blinks. DAMMIT.
6.  Everyone has a moment in their lives when they realize they love Chrissy Teigen. This is a feeling that needs to be embraced. Fully. Completely. Don’t you just want to attend an awards show with her, drink all of Gwyneth Paltrow’s champagne, take shots of vodka in the limo, then eat In-n-Out with her while talking shit about Kim K at 1 am? It’s important to have goals, kids.
7.  Ryan Tedder’s wig specialist needs to be fired. Seriously. What was going on. It seems he got the window seat on his flight and fell asleep against it. One side all disheveled. This photo really doesn't give you the full impact. You had to watch to see it in action. Literally, to see his hair in action.

8.  Hozier looks like Justin Bobby. Nothing more to add here. Except, don't even pretend like you didn't watch The Hills.

9.  Gwen Stefani continues her reign as flawless human being. Her duet with Adam Levine would've been way better though without Adam Levine. What was he thinking standing next to such an ageless sensation? The only explanation I can surmise is that she is Asian at heart. You know, how Asian women don't age. That is, until they hit 60 and then it's like BAM loss of 2 ft in height and an instant back hump. I await the day that Gwen Stefani poofs into an old Asian woman.

10.  Sam Smith is everything. If I ever break my leg, just play his album for me, and I believe my leg bones will mend. A duet with Mary J. Blige?! I don't even have any witty commentary for this because their voices make me weep like I'm rubbing onions in my eyes.

Cheers, kids! Meeting Chrissy Teigen at Waffle House.

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