What Did We Learn from the 2015 SAG Awards?

1.  Tatiana Maslany and Tom Cullen are unbelievably beautiful together.  Have you ever made a sandwich with the best salami and cheese and toppings and it was just a masterpiece?  Right, that is them.  This photo (which is dramatically black and white) made me think -- have I ever stared that intensely and lovingly at something?  Yes, yes I have.  I did that just last Tuesday at Chipotle.  That chicken burrito and I had a moment very similar to this one.  I knew I should've used that sepia filter.

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2.  Rashida Jones provided more scientific proof that all red carpet hosts are in an unnecessary competition of ignorance.  It's as if they study all year out of some sort of manual that contains the World's Most Vapidly Ignorant Questions (likely written by Seacrest).  This rocket scientist asked Rashida why she looked so tan, to which Rashida replied:

3.  Wait, you know I can't touch on the subject of red carpet incompetence without mentioning E!. There's no need to provide context and I'm truly only including this because Julianne Moore is straight up rejecting a request to do the Mani Cam, which is by far the icing on the E! cake of boring red carpet coverage.  I can think of zero times I've wanted zoomed in footage of someone's fingers while they pretend their hand is walking down a red carpet.  Unless that hand was Zac Efron's, in which case, I would watch a NatGeo documentary on him trimming his nails.  

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4.  Eddie Redmayne is our new Taylor Swift in terms of delivering the "Oh my God, you like me?" face.  

5.  Just a reminder that Daenerys Targaryen looks like this in real life and occasionally goes by the name "Emilia Clarke."  And she slays the fashion game.  Wait, I can do a better opening: Here we have The Mother of Dragons slaying the red carpet.  OOOOH DANG.  I'm a fan of this dress, but my fav part is the look on her face.  I've been trying to master this raised eyebrow look for years, yet all I produce is this reaction that looks like a baby being surprised by a loud noise.

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6.  This girl missed an important opportunity to be in a photo with Meryl, Jen and Julia (we're on first name basis, get over it).  I respect how she's trying to play it cool, as if three boss ass bitches aren't casually taking a picture behind her.  Let me just explain what I would've done in this scenario: 1) Fully turn around, 2) Place arms around Meryl and Julia, 3) Kiss the top of Jen's head, and 4) Be escorted out of the event and questioned by the authorities as to how I was even allowed to enter the event per the pending restraining orders already in place.  Missed opportunity, girl!

7.  While Jared Leto continued to woo me with his luxurious locks of manliness, Matthew McConaughey opted for a beard made of bubbles.  You know what I'm talking about.  Remember when you were little, and you'd have a Mr. Bubbles bubble bath, and in the process you'd make yourself a beard out of bubbles?  DON'T LIE, YOU DID THIS TOO.  Right, Matty's looks like a hair version of this.  It's confusing and unruly.  Which, oddly enough, "confusing and unruly" is my personal description on Match.com.  Get in line, fellas!  Also, this is the most I've ever said "bubble bath" in my entire life.

8.  BREAKING NEWS:  EMMA STONE'S DRESS HAD POCKETS.  I'm going to assume she used her pockets to store M&Ms and mini bottles of Jameson, because isn't that what everyone keeps in their pockets?  Also, I loved the sheer element to this.  I bet she got to the after party and just ripped off the bottom portion of this dress while shimmying and yelling "SHEERMY SHEERMY" (as opposed to "shimmy shimmy").  She is so punny.

9.  Let's continue on the topic of Emma Stone.  After "Birdman" won for outstanding cast, Naomi Watts tripped over the train of Emma's dress.  Or, as I've been telling people, Emma tripped her.  Haha, that bitch, she cracks me up.  She made this face and then yelled "ASSHAT" with a British accent.  I can read lips, it's one of my many specialties, so I'm 100% positive that's what she said.

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10.  Lastly, Meryl "woo-ed" for Debbie Reynolds who won the Lifetime Achievement Award.  This is literally my only goal in life -- to have Meryl yell "WOO!" at me.  Well, that and to be a pancake eating champion, but I'm already close to achieving that one.  Actually, I just wish Meryl would follow me around and "WOO!" during everyday things.  Brushed my teeth before bed? WOO!  Got guacamole at Chipotle for free?  WOO!  Bought Girl Scout cookies? WOO!

Who knows what'll happen at the Oscars now.  Til then, I'm off to sculpt my bubble bath beard. #bubblebathbeard2015 SPREAD IT LIKE WILDFIRE!