Monday, January 12, 2015

What Did We Learn from the 2015 Golden Globes?

Since this was Tina and Amy's last year hosting, I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity to revive this baby.  So to the two readers I've maintained, I'M ALIVE! I know you're wondering my thoughts on the 2015 Golden Globes, so here we go!

1.  Seacrest and Rancic continued their competition to see who could be the most painfully awkward yet boring red carpet host. This gif summarizes their award winning work:
Notes on this:
1.  Only Giuliana can make taking a shot with Clooney look boring and terrible.  
2.  Taylor Schilling is yawning like she's watching the annual Grandma Knitting Competition.
3.  A production assistant is rolling out because she aint about this shit.
4.  Amal is wondering how she went from advising Kofi Annan, to this.
5.  Clooney is wondering how Amal went from advising Kofi Annan, to this. 

2.  This girl won the Red Carpet:

Thanks to that older woman and Felicity Jones for holding the arrow for me. I like how in the photo above, she's trying to have a shimmy dance contest with Agatha (the older woman), but Agatha is not having it. And then, in the photo below, she is irate that Sally (the girl in red) let so many mere mortals get within the vicinity of Felicity. Dammit Sally!
3.  Tina and Amy should deliver a monologue before every event/life experience, ever.  Everything was hilarious and nothing hurt.  J.Law wasn't there this year (because we're currently hanging near the beach) so they chose an equally acceptable target:

4.  Jared Leto continues to be the mountain man version of Zac Efron and I'm not complaining. That braid. That beard. I just want him to take me to buy some velcro sandals, gluten free granola, and fat free water before we kayak on a lake built naturally by vegan monks.

5.  Slits down the middle of dresses were a thing. I'm partially confused by this trend because of the pose it evokes.  You have to constantly poke your leg through the slit to prove to people that you do in fact have legs. Otherwise, everyone would be like "Where's her legs?" And then, how does this situation work when you finally sit down? Is it like some sort of open drapes thing? I suppose this is convenient if the venue is really hot and you just need constant air. Environmentally friendly dress!

6.  Emma Stone wore what J.Lo and all the Middle Slit Wearers wished they were wearing.  If I ever go to an awards shows, I am definitely wearing pants. You can sit comfortably in your chair without wondering if your Lady Mary is going to make an appearance. And you can jump around and do cartwheels and all of that other shit that those slit wearers can't do! I'd also choose to wear pants as this would alleviate the view of inappropriateness when Zac Efron/Jared Leto carries me out of the show later that evening.

7.  For the first third of the show, I kept yelling, "WHY IS NO ONE DRINKING?" Which, oddly enough, is what I yell at most events (weddings, poetry readings, funerals, etc.). But then, Chrissy Teigen delivered, yet again. I'm open to marrying both her and John Legend. They have yet to return my calls and messages in bottles.

8.  Joanne Froggatt represented for us Downto(w)n folks. Her first nomination! She was one of the few of the night who I was yelling at the TV to win, and actually won (apparently I didn't yell loud enough for Reese Witherspoon). Also, she looked absolutely gorg. And being that she is teeny tiny, I have this immense urge to pick her up. Do shorter people get sick of this? Getting picked up? I just want to pick her up and be like "Whoooooosh" as I whoosh her around like a plane. Is that rude? No, it's loving.

9.  Boyhood won. How terrible would it have been to film a movie over 12 years only to have it win a Kristi's Choice Award? Albeit, KCA winners do receive a trophy made of Skittles and those recalled Lululemon leggings (I got them on bulk discount), so don't knock the legitimacy of the award. Bottom line here: You should see Boyhood. It's worth it just to see the drastic hairdo changes. 

10.  Lastly, while no one will reach the mastery level of Feyler, I think we've found our 2016 hosts:
Cheers to extremely random, yet awkward blogging in 2015!

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