Monday, January 11, 2016

What did we learn from the 2016 Golden Globes?

We're back in the most wonderful time of the year: awards show season! I've decided to emerge from my social media rock, put pants on and provide some delightfully insightful insights, because celebrity news is extremely important and also because two of my best friends are in med school/residency and I need them to stay up-to-date on what opinions they should have regarding pop culture.

I obviously watched the Seacrest/Rancic pre-shitshow on E!, which made me feel like Cersei at the end of last season's Game of Thrones. Pretty shitty and shameful. So let's move onto the good stuff:

Squinting has really become a thing. Or everyone is sleepy.
I'm unsure of what Hollywood calls staring at the camera while making your eyes smaller. If we're being PC, I guess we could call it "Asianing." Emilia Clarke dominates the Asianing game. The whole "look at how small my eyes are, I must be Esquire Magazine's 2015 Sexiest Woman of the Year." It's quite the talent. I'm terrible at it and I am actually Asian. Any time I try Asianing, my eyes are closed. All the way. And everyone knows you can't go full Asian.

Channing Tatum started working at Hot Topic.

Look, he didn't even want to attend because the Golden Globes are so mainstream and he'd rather be listening to underground indie artists like Fall Out Boy and Simple Plan. He just wants you to leave him alone so he can focus on his music, okay.

I get this 'do is for the new Gambit movie, but come on, it's 2016. If only there were these pieces of hair you could attach to your head to change the length of your hair. That we could possibly call hair extensions. One day people. We'll think of these revolutionary inventions.

I think I may like beards now.
In general, I find beards scratchy and kind of gross. But I suppose that's just when I'm growing mine out. I imagine most of them are full of dried cheese and like oatmeal or something. But Chris Evans has really shown me the light. And by "light," I"m referring to his outrageously good-looking face. I legitimately started weeping when he came on stage because he is more beautiful than a newly opened jar of Nutella.

Leo is all of us.
Okay, first off, I'm 99% sure this whole Gaga winning a Golden Globe is some sort of elaborate hoax that plays into her next album. But let's focus on Leo's reaction. That is exactly how I look when I'm trying not to touch anything/anyone on the subway. Or when someone sneezes on something near me.  Or when there's raw meat nearby. Or when humans in general are in my vicinity.

No amount of caps lock can capture the level of obsession I feel over this. Reminds me of the first time I had a fried chicken biscuit from Sunrise Biscuit Kitchen in Chapel Hill. At the time I wondered, "Will I ever experience a love like this again?" Yes, yes I would. I'm thinking about getting SchuLaw tattooed on my lower back. Above the tattoo I have of a dolphin jumping over rose thorns.
Also, I'm 95% sure they have parties with Anna Kendrick and Emma Stone while Adele sings karaoke and this is something I want to partake in. It actually baffles me that, after all of the vials of blood and locks of hair I've sent along with notes written out with words clipped from a magazine, they haven't invited me. Maybe I've got the wrong address. #ASchuLawMac

Our time machine's travels to 2002 worked!

No really, is this from last night's Golden Globes or is it from the 2002 Teen Choice Awards? WE'LL NEVER KNOW. Also, someone started a rumor that I've seen every season of One Tree Hill and that Blue Crush was my favorite movie for 2 years. I mean, did I try to buy the Billabong shirt Kate Bosworth wore in the movie but it was always sold out at PacSun? And did I have the soundtracks to One Tree Hill? WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

Yes. I definitely like beards.

Let it be known that I liked John Krasinski before he was beefy. After the phenomenon of him and Chris Pratt, it makes me ask: When men start working out, does a beard just magically appear? Is this a side effect? I wish this happened when I worked out. Not the beard part, I don't need to work out for that to happen. More like, what if when I lifted weights, I suddenly had Chrissy Teigen's hair and Emilia Clarke's face. Is this possible?

Final thoughts: The Martian was a comedy? Where were Amy Poehler and Tina Fey? Why was Katy Perry there? Should I get bangs? Why won't Chrissy Teigen return my calls?

Cheers to the season!

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