Monday, December 12, 2016

Critiquing the Critics Choice Awards

Much to our surprise, the Critics Choice Awards happened this December as opposed to next January (when they usually air). Meaning, we got TWO Critics Choice Awards in one year. This is exactly the level of freedom our forefathers imagined.

Unfortunately though, Jeopardy champions E! did not host a red carpet. Terrible loss. Rumor has it they were banned from even having a show thanks to the 459 handwritten complaints sent by someone. Who even knows who that shero is.

Before we jump in, here's a random Chrissy Teigen gif. She was not in attendance but I have to feature her in every post and I've also realized a post's first photo is what shows up as the thumbnail and I can't have vampire Lily Collins scaring everyone.

Also, if you're looking for an actual list of winners (how boring) check them here.

VV excited, here we go!

Here's why E! actually wasn't on the red carpet.
Lily Collins clearly ate them. Or sucked their blood. I'm not exactly sure what vampire protocol is these days. Her whole lace dress get up complemented by eye makeup made of her victims dried blood and foundation made of their bone dust scared the actual shit out of me. I tried not to make eye contact with the TV too much during this time because I was unsure of the reach of her powers. But on a positive human note, those brows. THOSE BROWS. Always on point no matter the status of her soul.

The quest for number one chest is upon us.

The holiday season is here and cooler temps are abound (even in Los Angeles). So, it makes sense to trim out that pesky part of the dress that covers the majority of your chest. I'm with you Emmy, Kate and Mandy. What do you think happens to that lost material? Do you think they get some sort of bonus dickie made of their dresses fabric? I hope so. Lost material during the holiday season is tragic.

Sometimes it's hard to believe Kaley Cuoco is the highest paid actress on TV.
What is even happening here. This is what most of us look like when we spend a night out drinking then realize the next morning that we have brunch reservations. Rushing out the door wearing the same pants from last night that you also slept in (for efficiency) while grabbing a curtain from Martha Washington's room as a top. And brush? Both teeth and hair versions, who needs them? I'm a bit at a loss for this top. It's part tree skirt, part old Barbie haunted mansion decor. But I guess when you're getting $1 million per episode, you can do anything you want.

Bear couture is in.
98% of my brain is dedicated to information relating to celebrities of every caliber. So, it's a pretty big deal that I cannot for the life of me recall why Bella Thorne is a thing. Fame confusion aside, I kind of like this dress? How the design seems to be partially complete like a bear ripped off half of it in the process and the designer was like "ART." Bear claw fashion is one of my faves. If I wore this, I'd be concerned about falling at some point in the night causing the dress to get pulled by Magneto or just honestly some sort of magnet, exposing me through the sheer side. All chicken and eggs on display. I just don't know if that's how I want Ryan Gosling to remember me despite the many letters/photos I've already sent. Which speaking of...

The Goose is loose.
I can't stand people who deny how attractive Ryan Gosling is. They're the same people who actually just eat the serving size of "two tablespoons" of peanut butter and dab grease off their pizza with paper towels. POOR JUDGMENT AND UNTRUSTWORTHY. Goosey is universal, like Nutella and cheese (not together, er wait, maybe together, will let you know). I'm adamant in the fact that suits were invented to be worn by him. And okay, so maybe this gesture he's doing is the same one he's done to my face when I've ran up to him claiming pregnancy and various other entrapping methods. Look at the size of that hand. And you know what they say. The bigger the hand, the bigger the cooking mitt to take the large cookie cake out of the oven for me. Wait, what were we talking about.

The only thing better than one Ryan is two Ryans.
I want to preface this by pointing out Ryan Reynolds is wearing a double-breasted suit, which is generally something I'm not a fan of. But I guess when you have 64-pack abs, literally any kind of breast looks good on you. This photo presents an immediate need a movie starring both of them. Called "The Notebook II: Shirtlessly fighting for Kristi's love by bringing her wiener dogs to pet and pancakes to eat." Gotta make sure the producers don't mess up that tagline, I can't tell you how many times I've petted pancakes. Embarrassing to say the least.

I also need to say that Ryan Reynolds was recognized as "Entertainer of the Year." Yeah, you didn't misread that. Apparently everyone else was busy or something. As far as I know, he was in Deadpool? And then a bunch of Blake Lively's Instagram pics? Is that the bar we're judging against? Because if so, I'm looking forward to nominating that Geico gecko next year. And I assume David Beckham will accept the award, as the voice of said gecko.

Does Rami Malek love me or is he trying to kill me?

Look at those adorable kookoo eyes. I like to toe the line between wondering if he'll sweep me away to some tropical island for a relaxing vacation or literally sweep me away under a house. Jk about that last part, he of course wouldn't do that, look at his cute green velvet jacket! It's always so nice when a jawline like that cuts through the cold, tin shell of a heart doctors told me I once had.

MiBusy are peak friendship goals.
I don't know if you ever watched this American treasure of a show called "Dawson's Creek," but Michelle Williams and Busy Philips are the two best things to come from it. As we all know, Michelle makes like one movie a year and it's always amazing and she always gets nominated. In turn, she ALWAYS brings Busy as her date to every awards show. And it's the best and and someone should really play Paula Cole's "I Don't Wanna Wait" whenever they're together. I suggest you follow Busy on Snapchat because she documents these fancy nights out, and it's what I imagine I'll do once I've starred in a 90s teen drama with Jennifer Lawrence and we exchange knotted friendship bracelets and I then accompany her on her quest to 100 Oscars.

Not usually a fan of Boring Biel, but those bangs!
I spend at least 20 minutes every Tuesday wondering how Jessica Biel nabbed Justin Timberlake. Do you think it's her super cool stories about 7th Heaven? Boringness aside, I'm onboard with these asymmetrical bangs (or fringe as we say when we're faking a British accent). 10 points for House Boringdor!

For no particular reason, I like mustaches now.
Fa la la la la la La La Land.
Seven awards including Best Picture. I cannot comprehend why Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling aren't a thing in real life. They star in a movie almost every year and I've sent them countless mock-ups of their wedding invite, so I mean, I don't know what the hold-up is. Nonetheless, looking forward to seeing their movie rack up the Golden Globes and Oscars.
And finally, favorite dress of the night. #StoneSlays

See you later this month for Golden Globe predictions (I need to let the nominations marinate) and next month for the big show!

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