Monday, November 21, 2016

What did we learn from the 2016 American Music Awards?

According to every promo before and during the show, the American Music Awards are "one of the biggest nights in music." Which, isn't there only one big night in music called the Grammy Awards? Meaning every other night can be "one of the biggest." Anyway, let's stop debating levels of hugeness.

Operation Phase Out Rancic is in full swing.
This should be better news, but we were still plagued by the Mensa mind of Jason Kennedy who did things like ask Nina Dobrev: "So what have you been eating lately?" DAMN, THAT HARD HITTING JOURNALISM, YOU GUYS. I don't have an actual gif of precious J.Kennedy failing, so I settled for this one of Gaga ignoring Rancic at the Grammys.
You know those people at work who attempt to make small talk and it ends with an awkward silence and (for me anyway) an uncomfortably loud laugh? That is every celebrity interaction with Jason Kennedy. Except, while this is happening, a camera is panning up and down ogling them at creep levels similar to me standing across the street from the dog park, using my camera to zoom in on dogs.

The blazer + bra trend continues.
And I continue to be reported to HR for wearing it to work. WHERE'S THE EQUALITY.

Has Halsey been cast in season 2 of "Stranger Things"?
I want to first note that pulling off a shaved head is an act next to sainthood. Just imagine your own head shaved. Mine has several random valleys and hills that if shaved would probably look like that deformed potato you find at the bottom of the bag and think "did two potatoes fuse into this one irregularly shaped one?" Right, so shaved head, already a saint. Can we talk about how she looks like the adult version of Eleven?
Also, her voice is insane. Wondering if the aerodynamic nature of her head allows her to breeze through notes. Is that how science works.

The Chainsmokers are not British.
That's right, pick up the crumpets and clotted cream you just dropped. This was pretty earth shattering for me. I'm not exactly sure when I decided in my mind that they were British, but I convinced myself pretty well. Hearing their acceptance speech in an American accent was like being blindsided with the fact that Lindsay Lohan didn't actually have a twin in The Parent Trap.
Also, the guy who actually sings came dressed as Prince Eric in that baggy white shirt and stripe-down-the-side pants. So, I guess I should've taken that as a hint.

This season on The James Bay Affair.
This is now the third time the man has impregnated me via television waves and I gotta tell you, I'm getting sick of it. He just walks onstage with his little hat and sharp jawline and BAM. To be honest, I remain absolutely confused at my attraction to his dirty hair. I'm generally not a fan of guys who I would need to share hair ties with because I'm selfish and hair ties are precious commodities. But, I'll consider it for Bay.

You guys. She showed up in this dress from the J.Crew bridal collection and at first I was mad, because this was what I intended to wear as maid of honor at Dr. Chloe's wedding. But then, I remembered that CT ever the thoughtful one and was just giving this dress a test run (not an actual run, because that swishing would've revealed her swisher). I feel confident in its durability (thanks to the safety pins) and general breeziness. I can't tell you how many times I've been at a formal event and thought "Damn, I wish the front of this dress was just a Tarzan flap in front of my flap."
Anyway, I'm free on Friday so can someone let Chrissy know that I can hang out on Friday, when I'm free.

Sting is great and all but remember that Friends episode where Phoebe pretended to be Ben's mom to get into Sting's home to ask for concert tickets?
I do not understand the DJ Khaled situation.
He performed with my ex-fiancee Future and Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross and August Alsina. To be honest, I could not pay attention to the song because he kept yelling "DO YOU MIND" which gave me the impression that the name of the song they were performing was called "Do You Mind" (I know I'm such a detective). From what I can gather, his contribution to most songs includes yelling "WE THE BEST" and also "ANOTHA ONE." He also throws in yelling "GO GO GO" to cheer on artists like Future who are actually performing. On top of all of this, DJ Khaled is a member of the Church of Derulo and holds strong beliefs in yelling his name before and during songs.
According to my iTunes play count of "Come and Get It," I am in fact a Selena Gomez fan.
It's important to understand that only at the American Music Awards does Selenita beat the Queen of Sangin' Adele. But her acceptance speech y'all.
Gaga's reaction perfectly incapsulates everyone's reaction.
Also, it's official. I love Fifth Harmony.
I sensed this was coming since my current playlist is comprised of "Work From Home" on repeat. Though, they should issue a disclaimer to that video. Some of us have learned that you cannot just show up to a construction site wearing cut off jean shorts, big hoops and Timbaland boots and start swinging a sledgehammer around. The construction workers tend to frown upon it and call you "crazy" and say things like "we are calling the police" and "where did you even get that sledgehammer we didn't have one on site."
While I was a bit confused at their "Return of The Mummy" outfits and Legends of the Hidden Temple stage setup, I was still 100% onboard with hair whipping along to the entire performance.

Ariana Grande is a monster, but her voice y'all.
As I've said before, I know Lil' AG is terrible at heart, but you can't argue with those vocals. Which, remember when people were "shocked" about what "Side to Side" was about? You guys. Nicki Minaj LITERALLY raps "ride dick bicycle" (Also, very sorry to type that out and scandalize everyone). What did these people think this song was about? SoulCycle? If that's the case, I don't know how sanitary the bikes are there.

Anyway, her outfit during the show included a vintage lingerie top, modern horsetail and glasses by the SATs.
And while she belts it out while singing, when she speaks, it's like she's in a competition to be the most soft spoken. Like she has a snowflake on her tongue and doesn't want it to melt. She's also still carrying on with that high ponytail trend. I gotta give it to her -- sometimes I wear a ponytail all day and before bed I feel like my hair has plucked 50% of my brain cells right out. She's gotta be teetering at her max limit of brain cells plucked, right?

Not for any reason or anything, but I Googled, and Shawn Mendes is in fact 18.
I'm confident in my decision to befriend Olivia Munn.
This friendship was something I pored over and wavered on. But she's actually hilarious and clever and has amazing bangs, so anyway if anybody needs us we'll be on a best friend vacation to Japan where we both lived at one point. #McMunn
What was with the random audience shots?
Was there really such a small selection of actual celebrities at this event that we had to see mere mortals in the audience? 75% of the audience shots were of older white guys neck dancing (you know, when they are unable to move their hips or anything below their neck so they just bob from side to side). Together, we can put an end to neck dancing.

That's cool and all, Twenty One Pilots, but Sia copyrighted the face hide.

And finally, sometimes you can't be good at everything.
Listen, I'm sure within her girl squad with Taylor Swift, Gigi Hadid is a hoot. But watching her host was maybe the most uncomfortable I've been since Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosted the Oscars or when Joey Potter sang "On My Own" on Dawson's Creek or when I fell in front of most of my middle school while walking to the band room carrying my flute. But I mean, none of us can model Tommy Hilfiger, so, we all have weaknesses.

There were plenty of other moments, but I'm late to meet The Weeknd to watch Vanderpump Rules. See you in December for the Critics' Choice Awards!

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