Sunday, September 11, 2016

Emmy Predictions

Since the Emmys are next weekend, I thought I'd gift the world with my highly requested opinion on winners. Plus, my best friend Chloe is a surgeon and she has promised that for every prediction I get correct, she'll provide one free surgery. And I'm really interested in getting my kidneys to look a little more Gigi Hadid'ish and my gallbladder to be a bit more Lucy Liu'ish, ya know?

Before we jump into this imaginary pool (I say imaginary as award shows continue to ignore my demands for winners), let's take a moment to honor our two queens who made Emmy history this weekend at the Creative Emmys by becoming the first joint winners of any category.

If we're being specific, they won for Best Comedy Series Guest Actress for when they co-hosted SNL earlier this year. I'm actually still pretty offended Tina and Amy didn't win a Nobel Peace Prize and Pulitzer for their 3-year stint hosting the Golden Globes, but again, these award organizations continue to shun my opinions and issue restraining orders.

As a note, I'm only making a few predictions in the categories I'm most invested in because I'm selfish.

Best Drama Series
After being nominated for every season and always being the Judy Greer sidekick to whatever popular show ended that year (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, etc.), Game of Thrones finally won last year. Which, by the way, gave us this wondrous moment in history, which I absolutely have not had printed and framed:
Okay so SPOILER ALERT, season 6 was insane. And by "season 6," I mean the last 3 episodes. Episodes 1-4 were not exactly enjoyable, while also being completely necessary for plot development. Kind of like how in college you had to take 6-10 shots to prepare yourself for going out because you were too poor to actually buy drinks while out. Suffering in the beginning pays off in the end (why this hasn't been a GoT tagline yet, I'll never know).

So, we all remember episode 5 and HOLD THE DOOR HOLD THE DOOR. Not just something people in New York shout while running toward the life ruining F train that apparently only runs every 4-5 days. But, the true four-letter moments came at the end. WTF TOMMEN. OH SHIT MARGERY (and everyone else). DAMN ARYA/SANSA/DAENERYS. The writers really packed it in at the end. Kind of like when you find out the buffet is closing in 10 minutes and you haven't even had your after dinner chicken fingers yet.

Best Actress in a Drama Series
If you are some hideous sea creature who hates shows with a strong female lead and an increasingly interesting storyline each season, Orphan Black is definitely not for you. First off, Tatiana Maslany plays EVERY SINGLE MAIN CHARACTER. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Meaning, when the cast is sent scripts, 2/3 of it is all her. So she memorizes lines and gets into make-up and wardrobe for one billion different characters. Which, I know, our very own Lady Seacrest does the same when he slips into whatever human costume he's bought for the day, but this is different -- she does it well. 

Despite my barrage of all caps remarks on Twitter, the Emmys only nominated her for the first time last year. Which, I assume means they've preheated the oven for a Maslany win this year. And if she gets Poehler'd next year and goes without a win for the entirety of the series, I WILL BURN THIS PLACE DOWN.

Best Actress in a Comedy Series
I'm going to preface this by saying I know Julia Louis-Dreyfus will win. They should honestly rename the category "Best Julia Louis-Dreyfus in a Julia Louis-Dreyfus Role." But, I love to support my friends and hold out hope for a Schumer miracle. 

I can't recall the serendipitous event that led me to watch Inside Amy Schumer from season 1, but it happened and we're all better because of it. The writing is obviously hilarious (to those of us who have this thing called "a sense of humor" and also "intelligence"), but even better is that she gets her friends like Amber Tamblyn, Bridget Everett and Nikki Glaser to guest star pretty regularly. And also this lady, who I don't know, maybe I've heard of or mentioned. Who's keeping track of how many lower back tattoos I have of her name in different languages, honestly.

Best Actor in a Drama Series
I have never seen Mr. Robot but based on Rami Malek's face and also eyes and also placement of said eyes on said face, I am 100% sure he should win. I remember when we first met, he was a Marine in that WWII series "The Pacific" and I was a recent graduate with a few months to spare before "real adulthood" and thus plenty of sweatpants time to spare to dedicate to a mini-series. Even then, I was drawn to his almost transparent, creepy ghost eyes. And little known fact: he can dice whole tomatoes with that jawline. 

My point here is, I've loved him for a while which makes me a good judge to decide who wins Best Actor in a Drama.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

I honestly just wanted to bring this up because THREE actresses from Game of Thrones are nominated. While we can all agree that Emilia Clarke and her eyebrows should win, Sophie Turner really deserved this one. And no nomination! This boss ass bitch fed Ramsay to some actual bitches, then walked away delivering the smirk of the century. Sansa finally became funsa! 

Anyway, let's hope for some sort of write-in situation.

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Okay so I was a huge fan of season 1 of "The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt." But, to be honest, Titus Burgess is what kept things going in season 2 (OMG GASP YES I SAID IT, SO SORRY JANE KRAKOWSKI AND ELLIE KEMPER). Ellie is a precious baby dinosaur and Jane is well, Jenna from 30 Rock still. I'm not drinking from the haterade punch bowl, simply saying that I made the punch and brought it. 

I would honestly just watch a compilation of Titus Andromedon lines strung together with absolutely no context. Which actually, I have done and you can too.

Alright. I figured by only making a few predictions as opposed to the long list written in blood I normally send to the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, they'd appease me. Because that's how deciding winners of anything works.

See you next Sunday!

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