Monday, August 29, 2016

What did we learn from the 2016 MTV Beyonce Music Awards?

This weekend, I was awakened from my cryogenically frozen state to witness the MTV Video Music Awards. I like to think of the VMAs as sort of gateway drug to the rest of awards show season. They're like a Taco Bell soft taco -- something full of questionable things you get as a warm-up for bigger and better Crunchwrap Supremes.

2016 VMAs, here we go!

Our RiRi and her dancers opened the show wearing pieces from the exclusive Pepto Bismol collection by Vera Wang. 
The face I make when I pull into Chick Fil-A and realize it's Sunday
(Photo Source)
Which, speaking of Pepto Bismol, she performed "Where Have You Been" and "We Found Love." Two hit songs I sing in the process of getting Chipotle. So this first performance (of four) held a special place in my heart. And by heart, I mean stomach.

Okay, so the Rihanna show was off to a great, stomach-soothing start. But then this leathery disaster happened:
I am extremely confused by everything happening here. A leather track suit. He's wearing a green, leather track suit. Complete with drawstring pants. Because honestly, how many times have you been wearing leather track pants and thought, "Damn, I wish these had a drawstring." I am outraged for little Nicky -- who in his camp found these at Wet Seal or Guess and convinced him they were a good idea? What monster decided track suits were too comfortable and could be bettered by being made with non-stretchy, sweat-inducing material?

I was severely impacted by the Green Leather Incident of 2016. But then a flawless, beautiful creature descended upon this shit show and revived my spirits:
I'll never forget Aug. 28, the day I died and the cause of death was Beyonce. I truly out-YAAASS'd myself, so much to the point I had no YAASS's left in me. And she didn't perform just one song. Or even two. FIVE. FIVE SONGS FROM "LEMONADE." Which, wasn't nearly enough. It was sad when the Beyonce concert was over -- similar to when you're eating a giant chocolate chip cookie, so full of hope and pure joy as it seems this cookie will never end. And then it does. #BeyCookie

Also really enjoyed this special baseball bat appearance. Little known fact: Beyonce invented baseball.
Speaking of Beyonce, the Final Five Four (Gabby was sick!) presented her with the award for Best Female Video and I can't believe the internet didn't break. Simone! Beyonce! I think we know who Hillary will be choosing as her co-VPs. That woman in the black dress to the far right is me, in case anyone is wondering what I look like. I'm a proud mama, what can I say.
I need to preface the next section with a disclaimer: I love everything Britney Spears does. I was with her during the head shaving and sloppy train wreck of 2007. I thought the "Blackout" album was amazing and still think "Gimme More" is an American classic. And I think it's perfectly normal for her to walk around disgusting gas station bathrooms barefoot. So, if she wants to come out quite literally attached to marionette strings and not even pretend to lip synch dressed in a Borat bathing suit, I AM 100% ON BOARD. 
Really love how most of her critics continue to say "she poorly lip synchs" and blah blah. BITCH, DO YOU THINK WE CAME HERE TO HEAR HER SING? OR DANCE? OR MOVE LIKE A HUMAN? WE CAME FOR BRITNEY, BITCH. Personally, I respect her dancing that is a combo of trotting around the stage and posing and hair flipping. With a lot of hand miming or whatever it is she's doing with her hands. Borat Britney is something I will blindly and passionately defend.

I completely forgot to mention there was a SoulCycle break during the show:
The ponytail formerly known as Ariana Grande performed a song that I can't remember the name of because I was too concerned with the fact I didn't have cycling shoes. Can I even be in this class? Her performance with Nicki Minaj ended with them pushing guys faces into their crotches, which is pretty standard following any exercise class.

Reminder: Use "Bitch Better Have My Money" as the song to walk down the aisle to and make this face while reciting my vows:
After apparently missing half of the show, making him one of the lucky few to miss Kanye's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs speech, Drake finally arrived all dapper and ready to present Rihanna with her MVP trophy. 
A few things:
  • Drake has what appears to be the smoothest beard in the world. I imagine it feels like one of those soft throw blankets at the store, that when you feel how soft it is, you make your friend come over and touch it. 
  • I will hold on like frozen Leo to the Drake and Rihanna dating rumors.
  • I feel like Rihanna is the type of person who can go out until 4 a.m. and drink 18 bottles of vodka, then get french fries and five hamburgers on the way home and wake up the next morning looking fresh and flawless ready for a magazine shoot. Whereas, I can look at Chinese takeout noodles and get bloated. Face all puffy and shit for weeks.

In case you read through this and still wondered, what is the major takeaway from this year's show? The answer is Beyonce.

Thanks VMAs! One soft taco down, 10 Crunchwrap Supremes to go. 

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