What did we learn from the 2019 Billboard Music Awards?

This year's BBMAs were like a cake comprised mostly of fondant — we had to endure a ton of bland, tasteless crap to get to a tiny portion of deliciousness (BTS).

I should've taken the hint during E!'s TWO HOUR Red Carpet that this was the equivalent of a high school dance being held in a cafeteria. Can't you just hear the inner monologues of Olivia Munn, Beanie Feldstein and Kaitlyn Dever collectively screaming "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US."

And I know I usually talk shit about E! and SURPRISE there is no difference here — Jason Kennedy wore his mashed potatoes and gravy suit because that was the level of personality he brought. I'm not even mentioning his new co-host because: 1) I do not remember her name and 2) Refer to #1.

Best dressed

OBVIOUSLY. Cardi changed like 3 times during the show, but showed up first in this toga-like two piece, giving us Cher vibes. Like that white guy on the left, I continue to be so happy for her and her middle part. Plus, her makeup! And those boobs! Which she recently said she had re-done because her baby "fucked up her body," which is motherly and nurturing and I love her.

No no no no no no no
Taylor Swift opened the show and it was one of the most terrible things I have ever experienced in my entire life, including that time I got food poisoning from some chicken wings.

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Like, my whole family is white and I went to college in the South but this was easily one of the most Caucasian things I have ever seen. From the all-white marching band to the Pepto Bismol-colored outfits (white people love Pepto). Coincidentally enough, this performance made my stomach hurt.

And look, do I think Beyonce owns the marching band concept and Taylor copied her? Not at all. I KNOW that Beyonce owns the concept and Taylor ATTEMPTED to copy her, but this entire thing was a K-Mart mess. If Beyonce and Beychella were filet mignon, this was canned turkey and #Mayochella.

Taylor continues to sing about not being one of the "cool girls," which is ridic because honey, we aren't in middle school anymore. The concept of a "cool girl" is completely different now and mostly measured by, do you have health insurance? Do you have an IRA? Cool! Trying to peddle this popular girl thing is some tired, unseasoned chicken.

A summary of this entire show

Shoutout to Halsey for napping onstage during her performance while wearing an enormous grommet belt because SAME.

Famous men I would not date

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I would date a wide range of men on the looks scale to get into celeb inner circles, but there is one line I will not cross and that line is labeled "Jonas." I have never and will never understand their appeal. I can't fully explain it, but I think most of it has to do with my distaste for their faces in conjunction with their bodies and also their voices. Just that. I have this strong feeling they all have really sweaty hands too?

Famous men I'm actively trying to date

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It's very possible that I blush every time Drake speaks. It's a weird phenomenon but his voice is dolphin smooth. And I love his turtleneck look because everyone knows men who wear turtlenecks read fine, leather-bound books.

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I would gladly participate in a traditional Korean wedding with any of these men. And they're all 21 or older so please calm down with your "HOW OLD ARE THEY" sentiments. And since I'm 100% Korean and each of them is also 100% Korean, simple math tells me that our kids would be 200% Korean and that just sounds like something we cannot pass up.

I only knew about Maluma from that song "Chantaje" he did with Shakira, but I had really never seen him. And um, wow. I know I'm tardy to this hottness party but can I skip ahead in the drinks line because I'm thirsty. His little smile! And more importantly THOSE MAN BROWS. I was extremely saddened he had to endure a performance with Madonna, who continues to scare the shit out of me as I'm positive she's just a really tacky ghost at this point.

A crush that aged well

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During my teen emo phase, and by "emo phase," I mean the few months of 11th grade when I took a break from listening to Ashlee Simpson, I LOVED Panic! At the Disco. This was when "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" came out and I realized I would be okay dating Brendon Urie even though we wore the same sized jeans.

After being the only good thing about Swifty's opening performance, he performed again and all I want to say is shoutout to teen me for picking a dude who remains pretty hot. He's clearly been using whatever cryogenic chamber Paul Rudd also uses because I SEE NO SIGNS OF AGING.

Me after eating a Chipotle bowl + chips:

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Cardi won 6 awards including this one for that song she did with Maroon 5. I was salty (like a Chipotle bowl) that she didn't perform, but luckily her speeches throughout the night proved to be just as entertaining.

This is logistically confusing

Lauren Daigle performed "You Say," which is a great ballad, but I could not concentrate on her singing because this outfit completely baffled me. I thought it was a dress at first, but upon closer inspection it appeared to be a romper pants suit? The parachutey nature of the pants threw me off. How did she go to the bathroom in this? Is there some sort of giant zipper on the back? Is there like a little fabric door she can open? I just have so many concerns.

Here's the thing about Mariah

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I'm going to preface this by saying I love ALL of Mariah's music from the 90s and early 2000s. Like I wanted to breakup with my high school boyfriend to go through a period of angst just so "We Belong Together" would be especially applicable. But these days her voice is, let's just say, not what it used to be. So anytime she is slated to perform live, I get really nervous. Similar to eating Taco Bell before going on rollercoasters, you don't really know what will happen.

Ahead of accepting the Icon Award, she performed a medley of hits and it was....a thing. It wasn't terrible, but also, if you used to be the best at something, wouldn't you want to go out on top? For example, I used to be REALLY good at wearing a size 00, but now, not so good at it. But it was a fun time that I look back on fondly while knowing I shouldn't do it now.

Alas, I guess she can do what she wants because she invented Christmas in 1994.

When you don't have time for Julianne Hough

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I am not even going to attempt to explain the rationale behind having Paula Abdul perform, but it was pretty hilarious to see her whip her fedora at Julianne Hough.

What we all endured this show for

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You gotta give it up to Billboard for booking BTS every year because they know people will tune in JUST for them. So they wisely saved their performance for the last 15 minutes. This was the cake we dug through that dumbass fondant to get to.

They performed "Boy With Luv," which "features" Halsey and it had more energy in the first 3 seconds than the entire show. I use quotation marks because Halsey just joins in on the chorus to add some "AW YEAH YEAH YEAH" bits and such. I'm not even hating because I stan a scammer who can work their way onto a #1 song.

In hindsight, I regret watching the other 2 hours and 45 minutes of this show when I could've just tuned in for this hip thrusting at the end. You live and learn.

And that's it! I know I've said this about other events, but this is one where I truly believe I deserve some sort of medal for enduring THREE HOURS of pointless crap.

See y'all soon! Til then, find me asking the sales associate at Sephora which facial cream will make me look like Gemma Chan and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

All aboard the 2017 Billboard Music Awards

I'm not exactly sure why Billboard calls this an "awards" show because from what I remember, they handed out like two awards (both of which went to Drake). But if there's anything I enjoy more than a mass celeb gathering, it's a mass feast. Also a mass dachshund gathering. And a mass Zefron-lookalike gathering. Wait, back to the point. I love a show featuring a bunch of live performances. Mostly because you never know if you're gonna get crazy ass Britney at the 2007 VMAs doing "Gimme More" or sassy ass Adele at the 2012 Grammys doing "Rolling in the Deep." And I like taking that risk.

Let's begin by addressing the sinking ship I remain captain of -- E!'s red carpet coverage. We were lucky enough to witness Jason Kennedy fight the urge to fall asleep as his own voice quite literally bored his brain to death. I'm not sure if someone mixed in some downers to his pre-show M&Ms or if maybe someone forgot to plug him in last night to recharge his battery. To be honest, E! could've propped up a bundle of green onions and it would've been more riveting.

But! He did wake up long enough provide us with some hard-hitting journalism, asking Vanessa Hudgens, "Was it a simple decision, to decide to cut your hair?" WHERE IS HIS PULITZER?

To the business:

BEST DRESSED

OH, COME AT ME OVER HALSEY. I DARE YOU. Y'all, it was like 90 degrees on the red carpet (er, pink carpet?) so Halsey came in some weather appropriate wear. While those shoes are likely a bitch to take off when she enters an Asian home, the general lack of a top and breezy front-slit skirt make up for their complicated nature. I would like to lead the revolution to normalize wearing bras as tops because I can't tell you how many times coworkers have made complaints about me coming to work topless. IT'S SUMMER, CAN I LIVE.

I'm also including my new breast friend Olivia Munn here. Her hair and make-up is on point and that dress is top notch. She is literally wearing pasties and boy shorts with a sheer cover-up and once again I'll never understand why this isn't classified as "business casual."

Face bras are it

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Nicki opened the show with a 9-minute medley that included lots of leather and then some half-naked dudes wearing gas masks and honestly it felt like a normal Sunday night for me. Then at some point David Guetta appeared onstage looking like a middle-aged dad whose daughters abandoned him in Hot Topic and it was so charitable of Nicki to let him play with his Macbook onstage. If you don't listen to Nicki, I suggest you immediately download "Beez in the Trap." It's a banger (am I cool enough to say that?) and what I imagine will be my entrance music when I become a cage fighter.

Secondhand embarrassment kills

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Did I miss the United Nations meeting where we retracted our prior ruling to ban Vanessa Hudgens from accessing a mic? Okay and you're probably saying "Well Kristi, you're just salty because she dated Zefron for so long" and yes that's true and yes we did share a very dramatic love triangle past. But it doesn't change the fact that she seems to be a marionette who is trying to prove she is human by over-enunciating our human language. I CAN SEE THOSE STRINGS, PUPPET. Also, one of her bits included her singing Celine and rapping Nicki and I haven't felt more embarrassent since I thought a pad of butter was cheese and ate it in one bite.

Billy Ray Cyrus continues to creep me out

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Billy Ray is like Regina George's mom in Mean Girls, except exponentially creepier and infinitely less cool than Amy Poehler.

And let me just give you some background on my credentials to judge creepiness:
During my inaugural LA-Celeb-Creeping trip, I found myself outside of the Cyrus' mansion in Toluca Lake (I didn't trespass or anything because my probation officer said it wouldn't be a good look). I then saw Billy Ray and (a much younger) Noah walking their dog. And oddly enough, Steve Carrell just around the corner. It was a weird day. My point here is that I'm a creep and it takes a creep to know a creep.

Furthermore, from what I know, he had that one country song back in the day when he was sporting a mullet (which 4 out of 5 doctors agree is a precursor for creepism) and now just clings to his daughters' fame like it's his own and something about that is inherently creepy.

Oh, Miley is country again

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Remember how she spent those couple of years after her "Bangerz" album acting like she discovered weed? She's now over her scientific achievement and trying to prove to us that she is mature and can handle things like having her own credit card, and not just an Old Navy credit card, like a real one. I don't know if I actually believe it because can you ever really forget her looking like a raw chicken "twerking" on Robin Thicke at the VMAs?

And now, a reenactment of how I enter my apartment every day after work

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Camila Cabello continues to steal my trademarked moves. It's common knowledge that aside from the free candy, my primary reason for wanting to be a pop singer is to tear away a stage outfit to reveal a glittery number underneath.

Anyway, this was Single Harmony's first solo performance and it was fire'y. Literally. There were flames onstage. And her dancers wore these MC Hammer pants that kind of made them look like the bad guys in Aladdin while she kind of looked like Hercules? I actually like her debut song, "Crying in the Club" (which, FYI is what I do when I'm about to leave the club and remember I'm getting late night pizza), but this performance was a bit much. And by "bit much" I mean "extra" and by "extra" I mean I loved it and have rewatched it 12.5 times today.

Chandler Bing is Lorde's choreographer and I'm here for it

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The only thing I enjoy more than Lorde's amazing vocals is her amazing dancing. She's spazzy and dinosaur-like, which coincidentally enough is how all of my ex-boyfriends describe me. She performed "Green Light" and her stage setup was like a karaoke room and I actually think she'd be fun to karaoke with (OH SURPRISE SURPRISE I'M ASIAN AND ENJOY KARAOKE). 

20 years later and my heart is still going on

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THAT WHITE DRESS. THOSE BIG ASS SLEEVES. I honestly outdid the screaming I normally reserve for Chrissy T, which was to be expected. 9-year-old me used to BLAST "My Heart Will Go On" while putting together BSB and Hanson photo montages, so needless to say I've always been dramatic and also really artsy. I've never felt such a flood of emotion and the desire to cry since that time Chipotle gave me a burrito bowl for free. And whether or not my best friends are aware, I plan to sing this at all of their weddings. While wearing this specific white dress.

Does anyone have a drink because Drake is still thirsty AF

Don't get me wrong, I love Drake. He is that boyfriend you have who writes you letters and puts dried flowers in them and uses metaphors to describe your beauty and shit. When really all you want is free steak and and a shoulder massage while watching Southern Charm with a bag of Hot Cheetos (we'll never know why I'm single). While accepting his 253rd award of the night, he took the time to woo V.Hudgens and she literally blushed her way to the moon. However, Baby V's reaction was moot, because this was Nicki's:

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John Legend - Chrissy Teigen + Florida Georgia Line = CANNOT COMPUTE

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I was extremely troubled to find my kween was not in attendance because she did not want to fit her back into a dress and instead opted for seeing Magic Mike Live with friends (I'm not making that up, her Snapchat has the receipts). John Legend showed up looking dapper per usual and performed with that voice that makes you feel like you're swimming in pools of gravy on mounds of mashed potatoes. But then, two gentlemen dressed in what can only be described as "random ass items from Forever21" joined him and what the hell, who invited Florida Georgia Line? I have never understood their appeal. And I'm not just saying that because the only country music I accept is Maren Morris, but that is exactly what I'm saying.

UPDATE: I like country music

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Thank you for the scientific evidence, Sam Hunt.

UPDATE #2: I like bowl cuts

This precious K-Pop group, BTS, was the first Korean group to be nominated, invited and win at the Billboard Music Awards (they beat Bieber & others for Top Social Artist). I'm not saying I take credit, but I'm Korean and eat Korean food at least once a month, so let's put credit where credit is due. I've actually never ventured into K-Pop (or J-Pop or literally any Asian music except for XTina singing "Reflection"), but after they blew up on social media from the night, I streamed one of their albums and (brace yourselves I'm about to say it again) IT'S A BANGER. And y'all, the guy in the white shirt is the only one who speaks fluent English and he gave the sweetest, most genuine speech and anyway I guess I can deal with having a boyfriend in Korea too.

CHER CHER CHER CHER

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If I'm just a third as extra as Cher is at 71, I'll count it as a win. I'm not sure what parts of her body are the original parts, but regardless, she looks better than I do as a 20-something-year-old. And she wore pasties from the Lil' Kim collection and used her acceptance speech for the Icon Award to tell us she can plank for 5 minutes which is superhuman and wins for the best humblebrag ever.

Obligatory Chrissy T mention

This has absolutely nothing to do with the show, but rather is just a gem from her Twitter. 

And there you have it! If we take anything away from this show, it's that The Chainsmokers need to scurry back to their basement and leave us alone. 

See you all soon as I use my expertise to provide academic and insightful commentary on The Bachelorette!

What did we learn from the 2016 MTV Beyonce Music Awards?

This weekend, I was awakened from my cryogenically frozen state to witness the MTV Video Music Awards. I like to think of the VMAs as sort of gateway drug to the rest of awards show season. They're like a Taco Bell soft taco -- something full of questionable things you get as a warm-up for bigger and better Crunchwrap Supremes.

2016 VMAs, here we go!

Our RiRi and her dancers opened the show wearing pieces from the exclusive Pepto Bismol collection by Vera Wang. 

The face I make when I pull into Chick Fil-A and realize it's Sunday
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Which, speaking of Pepto Bismol, she performed "Where Have You Been" and "We Found Love." Two hit songs I sing in the process of getting Chipotle. So this first performance (of four) held a special place in my heart. And by heart, I mean stomach.

Okay, so the Rihanna show was off to a great, stomach-soothing start. But then this leathery disaster happened:

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I am extremely confused by everything happening here. A leather track suit. He's wearing a green, leather track suit. Complete with drawstring pants. Because honestly, how many times have you been wearing leather track pants and thought, "Damn, I wish these had a drawstring." I am outraged for little Nicky -- who in his camp found these at Wet Seal or Guess and convinced him they were a good idea? What monster decided track suits were too comfortable and could be bettered by being made with non-stretchy, sweat-inducing material?

I was severely impacted by the Green Leather Incident of 2016. But then a flawless, beautiful creature descended upon this shit show and revived my spirits:

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I'll never forget Aug. 28, the day I died and the cause of death was Beyonce. I truly out-YAAASS'd myself, so much to the point I had no YAASS's left in me. And she didn't perform just one song. Or even two. FIVE. FIVE SONGS FROM "LEMONADE." Which, wasn't nearly enough. It was sad when the Beyonce concert was over -- similar to when you're eating a giant chocolate chip cookie, so full of hope and pure joy as it seems this cookie will never end. And then it does. #BeyCookie

Also really enjoyed this special baseball bat appearance. Little known fact: Beyonce invented baseball.

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Speaking of Beyonce, the Final Five Four (Gabby was sick!) presented her with the award for Best Female Video and I can't believe the internet didn't break. Simone! Beyonce! I think we know who Hillary will be choosing as her co-VPs. That woman in the black dress to the far right is me, in case anyone is wondering what I look like. I'm a proud mama, what can I say.

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I need to preface the next section with a disclaimer: I love everything Britney Spears does. I was with her during the head shaving and sloppy train wreck of 2007. I thought the "Blackout" album was amazing and still think "Gimme More" is an American classic. And I think it's perfectly normal for her to walk around disgusting gas station bathrooms barefoot. So, if she wants to come out quite literally attached to marionette strings and not even pretend to lip synch dressed in a Borat bathing suit, I AM 100% ON BOARD. 

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Really love how most of her critics continue to say "she poorly lip synchs" and blah blah. BITCH, DO YOU THINK WE CAME HERE TO HEAR HER SING? OR DANCE? OR MOVE LIKE A HUMAN? WE CAME FOR BRITNEY, BITCH. Personally, I respect her dancing that is a combo of trotting around the stage and posing and hair flipping. With a lot of hand miming or whatever it is she's doing with her hands. Borat Britney is something I will blindly and passionately defend.

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I completely forgot to mention there was a SoulCycle break during the show:

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The ponytail formerly known as Ariana Grande performed a song that I can't remember the name of because I was too concerned with the fact I didn't have cycling shoes. Can I even be in this class? Her performance with Nicki Minaj ended with them pushing guys faces into their crotches, which is pretty standard following any exercise class.

Reminder: Use "Bitch Better Have My Money" as the song to walk down the aisle to and make this face while reciting my vows:

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After apparently missing half of the show, making him one of the lucky few to miss Kanye's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs speech, Drake finally arrived all dapper and ready to present Rihanna with her MVP trophy. 

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A few things:

• Drake has what appears to be the smoothest beard in the world. I imagine it feels like one of those soft throw blankets at the store, that when you feel how soft it is, you make your friend come over and touch it. 
• I will hold on like frozen Leo to the Drake and Rihanna dating rumors.
• I feel like Rihanna is the type of person who can go out until 4 a.m. and drink 18 bottles of vodka, then get french fries and five hamburgers on the way home and wake up the next morning looking fresh and flawless ready for a magazine shoot. Whereas, I can look at Chinese takeout noodles and get bloated. Face all puffy and shit for weeks.

In case you read through this and still wondered, what is the major takeaway from this year's show? The answer is Beyonce.

Thanks VMAs! One soft taco down, 10 Crunchwrap Supremes to go.