Thursday, May 2, 2019

What did we learn from the 2019 Billboard Music Awards?

This year's BBMAs were like a cake comprised mostly of fondant — we had to endure a ton of bland, tasteless crap to get to a tiny portion of deliciousness (BTS).

I should've taken the hint during E!'s TWO HOUR Red Carpet that this was the equivalent of a high school dance being held in a cafeteria. Can't you just hear the inner monologues of Olivia Munn, Beanie Feldstein and Kaitlyn Dever collectively screaming "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US."
And I know I usually talk shit about E! and SURPRISE there is no difference here — Jason Kennedy wore his mashed potatoes and gravy suit because that was the level of personality he brought. I'm not even mentioning his new co-host because: 1) I do not remember her name and 2) Refer to #1.

Best dressed
OBVIOUSLY. Cardi changed like 3 times during the show, but showed up first in this toga-like two piece, giving us Cher vibes. Like that white guy on the left, I continue to be so happy for her and her middle part. Plus, her makeup! And those boobs! Which she recently said she had re-done because her baby "fucked up her body," which is motherly and nurturing and I love her.

No no no no no no no
Taylor Swift opened the show and it was one of the most terrible things I have ever experienced in my entire life, including that time I got food poisoning from some chicken wings.
Like, my whole family is white and I went to college in the South but this was easily one of the most Caucasian things I have ever seen. From the all-white marching band to the Pepto Bismol-colored outfits (white people love Pepto). Coincidentally enough, this performance made my stomach hurt.

And look, do I think Beyonce owns the marching band concept and Taylor copied her? Not at all. I KNOW that Beyonce owns the concept and Taylor ATTEMPTED to copy her, but this entire thing was a K-Mart mess. If Beyonce and Beychella were filet mignon, this was canned turkey and #Mayochella.

Taylor continues to sing about not being one of the "cool girls," which is ridic because honey, we aren't in middle school anymore. The concept of a "cool girl" is completely different now and mostly measured by, do you have health insurance? Do you have an IRA? Cool! Trying to peddle this popular girl thing is some tired, unseasoned chicken.

A summary of this entire show
Shoutout to Halsey for napping onstage during her performance while wearing an enormous grommet belt because SAME.

Famous men I would not date
I would date a wide range of men on the looks scale to get into celeb inner circles, but there is one line I will not cross and that line is labeled "Jonas." I have never and will never understand their appeal. I can't fully explain it, but I think most of it has to do with my distaste for their faces in conjunction with their bodies and also their voices. Just that. I have this strong feeling they all have really sweaty hands too?

Famous men I'm actively trying to date
It's very possible that I blush every time Drake speaks. It's a weird phenomenon but his voice is dolphin smooth. And I love his turtleneck look because everyone knows men who wear turtlenecks read fine, leather-bound books.
I would gladly participate in a traditional Korean wedding with any of these men. And they're all 21 or older so please calm down with your "HOW OLD ARE THEY" sentiments. And since I'm 100% Korean and each of them is also 100% Korean, simple math tells me that our kids would be 200% Korean and that just sounds like something we cannot pass up.

I only knew about Maluma from that song "Chantaje" he did with Shakira, but I had really never seen him. And um, wow. I know I'm tardy to this hottness party but can I skip ahead in the drinks line because I'm thirsty. His little smile! And more importantly THOSE MAN BROWS. I was extremely saddened he had to endure a performance with Madonna, who continues to scare the shit out of me as I'm positive she's just a really tacky ghost at this point.

A crush that aged well
During my teen emo phase, and by "emo phase," I mean the few months of 11th grade when I took a break from listening to Ashlee Simpson, I LOVED Panic! At the Disco. This was when "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" came out and I realized I would be okay dating Brendon Urie even though we wore the same sized jeans.

After being the only good thing about Swifty's opening performance, he performed again and all I want to say is shoutout to teen me for picking a dude who remains pretty hot. He's clearly been using whatever cryogenic chamber Paul Rudd also uses because I SEE NO SIGNS OF AGING.

Me after eating a Chipotle bowl + chips:
Cardi won 6 awards including this one for that song she did with Maroon 5. I was salty (like a Chipotle bowl) that she didn't perform, but luckily her speeches throughout the night proved to be just as entertaining.

This is logistically confusing
Lauren Daigle performed "You Say," which is a great ballad, but I could not concentrate on her singing because this outfit completely baffled me. I thought it was a dress at first, but upon closer inspection it appeared to be a romper pants suit? The parachutey nature of the pants threw me off. How did she go to the bathroom in this? Is there some sort of giant zipper on the back? Is there like a little fabric door she can open? I just have so many concerns.

Here's the thing about Mariah
I'm going to preface this by saying I love ALL of Mariah's music from the 90s and early 2000s. Like I wanted to breakup with my high school boyfriend to go through a period of angst just so "We Belong Together" would be especially applicable. But these days her voice is, let's just say, not what it used to be. So anytime she is slated to perform live, I get really nervous. Similar to eating Taco Bell before going on rollercoasters, you don't really know what will happen.

Ahead of accepting the Icon Award, she performed a medley of hits and it was....a thing. It wasn't terrible, but also, if you used to be the best at something, wouldn't you want to go out on top? For example, I used to be REALLY good at wearing a size 00, but now, not so good at it. But it was a fun time that I look back on fondly while knowing I shouldn't do it now.

Alas, I guess she can do what she wants because she invented Christmas in 1994.

When you don't have time for Julianne Hough
I am not even going to attempt to explain the rationale behind having Paula Abdul perform, but it was pretty hilarious to see her whip her fedora at Julianne Hough.

What we all endured this show for
You gotta give it up to Billboard for booking BTS every year because they know people will tune in JUST for them. So they wisely saved their performance for the last 15 minutes. This was the cake we dug through that dumbass fondant to get to.

They performed "Boy With Luv," which "features" Halsey and it had more energy in the first 3 seconds than the entire show. I use quotation marks because Halsey just joins in on the chorus to add some "AW YEAH YEAH YEAH" bits and such. I'm not even hating because I stan a scammer who can work their way onto a #1 song.

In hindsight, I regret watching the other 2 hours and 45 minutes of this show when I could've just tuned in for this hip thrusting at the end. You live and learn.

And that's it! I know I've said this about other events, but this is one where I truly believe I deserve some sort of medal for enduring THREE HOURS of pointless crap.

See y'all soon! Til then, find me asking the sales associate at Sephora which facial cream will make me look like Gemma Chan and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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