Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 1)

I know it seems like Colton's wackass season of The Bachelor JUST ended, but that's only because it did and the best way to move on is with a new season of The Bachelorette!
Watching this show is like getting the chicken pox repeatedly. You're shocked that it's here again, sort of itchy and in need of a soothing bath. THE BEST! 

The episode begins with Chris Harrison calling Alabama Hannah to let her know she's the next Bachelorette and that's fine except WHO THE HELL HOLDS THEIR PHONE SIDEWAYS TO FACETIME???
This is literally the reason Chris Harrison is single.

We then get to see a standard Bachelorette montage of Hannah just having the most typical day:

1) She starts her day with high school senior portraits at this wooden bridge in Alabama:
2) Then it's time for flirty afternoon skipping along the beach in Southern California (oh we're in a different state, okay):
3) And then a late afternoon hike through Runyon Canon (FYI: I saw the lady who plays Rose's mom in Titanic here once, random and not at all Zac Efron who I was looking for):
4) Then omg this day has been exhausting! Time for some joke telling with this comforter and a nap:
5) And she concludes the day by sitting in a parking lot while a fan blows her hair:
I mean, I don't know about you, but this is practically a play-by-play of my daily life too. Now let's dust off that robe and get to judging these men!

Brows very far from fleek
There was apparently some sort of Groupon deal for Jersey Shore-inspired brows that all of these guys took advantage of. As a self-appointed brow expert (I can show you certificate I printed at home), brows should never look like this. And if you encounter men trying to pull these off, you are obligated to stare at these waxed monstrosities with an open mouth.

How many pairs of Sperrys do you think he owns
Peter is the guy in every cliche teen rom-com who lives next door to the main character and is secretly in love with her but hides his love by being a loyal best friend. On a similar note, one of my special skills is judging whether or not a guy is a cheater and let me tell you, Peter the Pilot is not a cheater. Like, I bet he orders whatever his girlfriend's second favorite milkshake flavor is just so she can have part of hers and part of his. THAT'S THE KIND OF GUY PETER IS.

Also, I feel his closet must be full of Sperrys, mid-thigh khaki shorts and gingham button-downs.

And normally, whole milk isn't my drink of choice, but I'm willing to take a risk with my lactose intolerance on Peter. And Hannah is too — she gives him our little Pacey Witter a rose.

My overall favorite guy
LOOK AT THIS SMILE. Mike is from Texas, was in the Air Force and is too good looking (even with those finely manicured brows). He's a portfolio manager and let's just say I have a portfolio he can manage (WHAT? I SAID "LET'S JUST SAY").

Hannah of course gives him a rose.

How do we feel about Christian Crossfitter
So Luke lets us know that he hoe'd around in college until Jesus spoke to him in the shower — wait, did someone say shower?
An episode of this series wouldn't be complete without a shower scene! Except Luke actually uses soap unlike Colton. That's the influence of the Lord, I'll tell ya.

Anyway, I think he's sweet? Can someone confirm. He's first to steal Hannah away to chat and later comforts her after she confronts Ew Guy (see below) and ends up getting the first impression rose.
And he's also about 30 seconds away from telling her he's in love with her after just one night. Seriously. If previews for the season are any indication, he is undoubtedly going to have some rage issues when he realizes that there are like 20 other guys here vying for her attention. WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS SURPRISED BY THE PREMISE OF THIS ENTIRE SERIES.

I could not remember this trash bag's name, so I literally saved this screenshot as "Ew guy." Katie and Demi (who were on Colton's season with Hannah) provide Hannah with some creep support during the night, which I actually like the idea of. Demi informs Hannah that Ew Guy still has a girlfriend at home and he spoke to her RIGHT BEFORE coming on the show.

Now, Hannah has already REPEATEDLY voiced that her worst fear is "someone not being here for the right reasons," which seems a little misinformed because like, what about clowns. Or being hit by a train. Or falling down an elevator shaft. Fears aside, she calls him out to confront him and this is how it goes:

Hannah: So you have a girlfriend
Scott (that's his name): Omg no, okay wait, like I dated a girl but like not officially, but like sort of, okay yes we're dating but like I'm not going to marry her if you marry me first
Hannah: Okay you have a girlfriend

And with that, she escorts him out. Bye Ew Guy!

Speaking of ew
I have never had such a visceral reaction to something like I did to John Paul Jones. First off, he insists on going by all three names, which history will tell us is only acceptable for Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT 4 LYFE). Secondly, his profession is.....John Paul Jones.

This man undoubtedly shoots finger guns at himself in the mirror, flexes at the gym after doing one bicep curl and mansplains what a menstrual cycle REALLY is to women. I JUST KNOW THIS IS WHO HE IS OKAY.

In a shocking turn of events, despite only saying "You can call me John Paul Jones" to Hannah during the entire course of the night, he still gets a rose. I hate this show.

What the hell is this
Well if I wasn't already completely turned on by Grant's employment status and sloppy suit, he shows up smacking sausage as a joke alluding to the "sausage party" inside the mansion. Y'all know I LOVE sausage but even I found this disgusting. In a shocking turn of events, he does not get a rose.

I support Asian Pacific American Heritage Month
Look at this half-Asian cutie! He shows up to the Mansion and as you would expect from the only Asian contestant, speaks to Hannah in....French. Why not. I actually do think he's pretty cute but I'm positive he'll go home by episode 4 at which point I'll claim racism.

During their alone time, he surprises Hannah with a "Bachelorette party" complete with giant balloons spelling out her name WHICH I FUCKING LOVE. YOU GUYS. Giant letter balloons are just something that I find incredibly entertaining. What can I say, I'm a complex gal.

They then play this game where they have to shake all the balls out of a box, which, I'm not even going to make an inapprop joke here involving balls and a box, so you're welcome.
Every NYC finance bro, summarized:
Finance manager Joey has the standard issue haircut that all finance bros are reborn with — complete with a part harder than the words he knows how to spell. He looks like he would try to take you to a nightclub for your first date, brag about his Italian loafers, then try to take you back to the apartment he shares with 10 other bros in the Financial District. SWOON.

I don't even remember if he got a rose, to be honest.

These babies are not missing their shot
During one of the Bad Brow Guys' profile piece in the beginning, we meet his nieces and all of these babies ARE WEARING LEATHER JEGGINGS. I didn't even know they made leather pants for babies because babies don't go to Bon Jovi concerts that often. Also babies wear diapers, which are already hot (temperature wise not fashion wise) so why would you add another heat trapping layer? The poop implications are baffling.

"I have to go with what my heart tells me to do"
Ahead of the first Rose Ceremony, Hannah apologizes for not getting a chance to talk to all of the guys. Which is crazy because how is she going to make decisions when she hasn't made strong connections with every other guy telling her "I was SO excited when you were named Bachelorette."

Luckily, she can trust her heart and by "heart" she means her eyes because she clearly chooses the guys she thinks are hottest. Do you girl.

Matt is featured in those profiles in the beginning of the episode and we learn he lives on a farm and both of his parents are deaf. They're all huge fans of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, so anyway I was positive this setup meant Matt was going to go pretty far. Also because he is so sweet! And one of those hot guys who doesn't know he's hot. The perfect mix.

Anyway, Hannah ends up sending him home, but I am 400% positive he will turn up on Bachelor in Paradise.

And that's it! Y'all know I hate these initial episodes when we're sorting through the shitty pieces of candy in this assorted chocolate box. I'll attempt to remember names better when we get down to the final 5, maybe.

See you all next week! Til then, find me sliding into Matt Donald's DMs and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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