Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 2)

Prefacing this post with the fact that this entire episode was one giant Awkwardchella Fest that I was majorly overcharged for.

This week's recap is brought to you by this dramatic capture of my two faves: Mike (who is upset) and Peter (who is sleeping).

How to get to know these men: See them half-naked
It's our first group date! And normally I hate these initial ones where I can't tell the guys apart from Cheerios, but this one includes Alyssa Edwards, Alaska, and Miss J!
Alyssa and Alaska are from RuPaul's Drag Race, which if you haven't watched, stop watching this season of The Bachelorette and watch that instead (and get your recaps from me, k thanks).

Anyway, these 3 are here to judge our Cheerios in a "Mr. Right" pageant that is purely an excuse for Hannah to see all of the men in Speedos. No hate here, I appreciate her game.

The two things I enjoyed about the pageant:

1) Mike
Again noting that I have a portfolio he can invest in (OH PLEASE YOU KNEW THAT WAS COMING, DON'T ACT SURPRISED)

I feel like I'm in one of those teen movies where you find out the quiet, artsy guy is actually an Abercrombie model underneath all that angst and emotion.

The thing I did not enjoy:
Luke is likely our crazy pill this season. For the talent portion of the pageant, he uses his time to TELL HANNAH HE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER.

The issue with this is:
1) That is not a talent

I felt so unbelievably uncomfortable during this entire thing, mostly because he didn't blink. It was like he was trying to brainwash her using only his eyes. Luke is 100% one self-help book away from starting one of those religious sex cults, I know it.

Anyway, because Hannah is into stalkers, she chooses crazy eyes Luke as the pageant winner, which means literally nothing except he gets to wear a sash and plastic crown from the craft store.

Later during the evening portion of this shit show, Luke reaffirms his feelings to Hannah, telling her that HE STARTED DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR HER BEFORE HE EVEN MET HER. YOU GUYS. We have a word for that where I come from (Earth) — CREEPY OBSESSIVE BOY. A COB if you will. The thing is, the only reason Hannah accepts his COB tendencies is that she salivates when she is within a 50 ft radius of him. It's weird. And I generally hate the word "boner" but Hannah has a MAJOR lady boner for Luke and it constantly shows.

Hannah's Luke-lusting aside, she actually seems to be forming a legit connection with Jed, but more importantly, I am forming a deeper connection with Jed.
He ends up getting the group date rose, which he says is "the best feeling in the world" so I guess he's never experienced the pure joy of getting a seed out of your teeth.

The first one-on-one
Tom Welling lookalike Tyler G. gets the first one-on-one date, which begins with an approx 3-minute helicopter ride from I assume one end of the property to the other.
They then take a Mandy Moore-Shane West Walk to Remember to some random grassy/muddy area because if Hannah is wearing all white, they must be doing the most messy activity possible.
They go four-wheeling to remind us that Hannah is from the country and therefore totally cool with getting dirty. Noting that the muddy puddles were absolutely created by some poor production assistants in what is probably the backyard of the mansion.
Afterwards, they sit on a throne of items from Pier 1's clearance section in clothes that have literally been painted with mud. Look at that precise line down her arm! Unless mud in California is just very deliberate in where it lands, I don't know.
And look at how white Hannah's Converse still are! I hate this show.

Later they eat dinner atop the Roosevelt Hotel, a place I only associate with being in the second Charlie's Angels movie. Tyler keeps trying to have these deep, what is life, conversations when all we really care about is that juicy piece of salmon in the bottom corner of the screen:
I can't decide what I'm more interested in, making out with Tyler's face or demolishing that salmon. HOW DOES A GIRL DECIDE? Anyway, a rose is of course given out. To Tyler, not the salmon.

Group date #2
The leftovers get to experience roller derby for the second group date. Hannah greets them wearing what might be the least functional piece of athletic wear: leather spandex (which I think is an oxymoron):
I left tiny Steve Harvey in there as a reminder to watch this episode of Celebrity Family Feud, thanks for asking.

We learn that none of these men have skated before (which, wtf), so they all proceed to look like drunk baby deer on ice skates.
I haven't seen that many butts on the ground since the aftermath of a Lana Del Rey concert (smokers love Lana).

After exhibiting the worst show of athleticism in the history of skating, the men are forced to compete against each other. Naturally. They're split into two teams and eventually one team wins, but in all actuality we all lose.

Later during the evening portion of the date, everyone lusts after these magnificent coot boards, BUT NO ONE IS BRAVE ENOUGH TO EAT ANY OF IT:
At this point, I have to wonder: Are these even real foods? I feel they might just be props that are used every season because I have yet to see anyone delight in these meat papers and cheeses.

While the men are pretending to be uninterested in coot, Hannah is uninterested in forming full sentences. Lucky for us, Cam shows up to "surprise" Hannah because he wasn't chosen for any of the dates this week, and thinks this is his way of being "bold."

So he walks in and I'll let Hannah and Devin's faces speak for all of us:
Now, if we've learned anything from Hannah fangirling over Luke, it's that she likes kookoo birds. So she thanks Cam for coming to see her and they kiss and she keeps the bodega flowers he brought her.

After Cam walks out, a few of the guys decide they need to confront him about barging in on their group date, uninvited.

Tyler C. is up first and I can't even remember what he says because this guy ALWAYS sounds like he's drunkenly slurring his words.
Also I couldn't focus on their conversation because these two vanilla puddin' cups are wearing the same shirt. BOGO deal at Brooks Brothers!

Then Garrett (I think?) comes out for his extra camera time and dear God, how hot do you think he is? Temperature wise, not looks wise. The man is wearing 3 layers.
And we wrap up this whole confrontational charade with Kevin, who I am literally seeing for the first time so I guess it's good he came out for his camera time.
Look at this poor guy. He can't even think of something useful to say, just knows he needs to be in a shot. Also, he later complains about not getting a chance to talk to Hannah, but um, he wasted however many minutes confronting Cam, so??? I HATE THIS SHOW.

Ultimately, Hannah gives the second group date rose to Nose Ring (Dustin) and I could not stop laughing at the artistry of this shot of Eeyore Kevin in the middle of their hug:

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, all of the guys are scrambling like carp for food pellets trying to boost their confidence about getting a rose.

Cam, who thinks that being "bold" means being an asshole douchebag, continues erupting with interruptions, this time jumping into Kevin's time with Hannah (LOL KEVIN AGAIN). Kevin had surprised Hannah with chicken nuggets (BEST SURPRISE EVER) and I'm not even sure what went down here because all I could do was drool over the nuggets. I LOVE CHICKEN NUGGETS.
And Cam is an idiot yes, but he is showing the TEXTBOOK way to enjoy a good McDonald's nugget: eyes closed, smiling, relishing in the moment.

Later, Kevin who has had it with Cam, retaliates by throwing nuggets at him, which is upsetting because WHY WOULD YOU WASTE PERFECTLY GOOD NUGGETS? Also nuggets don't weigh anything, so throwing them achieves nothing??
It also says a lot about Cam that he didn't catch the nuggets with his mouth. Amateur.

While nuggets are being thrown, horn dog Hannah is getting a "massage" from COB Luke:
She decides this just won't do because she wants to be touching his body'ody, so she instructs him to take off his shirt so she can give him a massage. This obviously leads to some heavy kissing, which Nashville Jed walks in on. Hannah reacts as such and we learn that her lipstick has made its way to her nose:
She then goes out to chat with Jed, who skyrockets to the top of my guy list by making light of the entire situation. He makes a joke about how there are "40 other guys here" fighting for her attention and it's a smooth way to move past the weird Dawson's Creek love triangle moment they just had.

In the end, Hannah sends home bad brows guy (I literally do not remember his name), Daron AND ASIAN CUTIE BC THIS SHOW IS RACIST (I told you I'd scream that).

None of these men know what "bold" means
Hannah, who keeps reiterating she wants the guys to be open and honest and "bold," clearly doesn't understand that these men have no idea what bold means and have only ever seen it used in Microsoft Word. Former college ho and Jesus loving Luke decides that "bold" means interrupting Hannah's post-Rose Ceremony interview time to have her sit on his lap like he's Santa:
Which, tbh, he's about as creepy as a mall Santa, so I guess since the persona fits, she sits.

And that's it! It's really going to be a fight between Cam and Luke for this season's kookaburra status. And heads up, I won't be posting next week and will be late the week after, because distance makes the heart grow fonder. Til then, find me assuring Chrissy Teigen's bodyguard "NO, I KNOW HER" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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