Friday, June 7, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

I'm back! Luckily all I missed last week was the show glazing over Tyler G. being sent home and pretending he never existed and Cam learning that "always be Cam" does not always work.

This week's post is brought to you by my realization of who Jed looks like:
Speaking of Jed, he gets the first one-on-one date after the group moves to the exotic location of Rhode Island. And what city might you ask? Well the most well-known city in Rhode Island of course! Boston!

"Today is all about fun and America"
Hannah undoubtedly quoting what our founders said while signing the Declaration of Independence. For the first part of their Boston date, Hannah and Jed walk around a "market," which is standard Bachelor/ette date protocol. I'm almost certain the kiosk they walk around is just some cart the producers have set up and use for every season.

The only thing I could think of during this filler portion was, what do I think about this jacket?
I can't decide if I absolutely love it or want to burn it in a fire? If someone could let me know that'd be great, thanks.

After walking around one hat kiosk, they head to the Cheers bar to ignore mugs of Coors Light while making out in front of a bunch of white people. When in Rome, I guess.
Post beers make-out, they walk around a park and oh gosh! Just so happen to stumble across a Halo Top ice cream cart! This isn't placed advertisement at all! Totally coincidental!
For those of you who don't know, Halo Top is this lower calorie, high protein "ice cream" that helps you lose weight because the fake sugar in it literally gives you diarrhea. So cute for a date! They feed each other this laxative ice cream and the worried look on Jed's face says it all:
That is absolutely the look of a man hoping he doesn't shit his pants.

After eating gross ice cream in freezing Boston weather, Hannah "surprises" Jed by bringing him to the Celtics practice facility where a couple players are waiting for them. They're given customized jerseys and I mean these jerseys are SUPER customized and even include paper shapes cut out by children poorly taped to cover the logos!
Truly one-of-a-kind. I didn't even care about the childlike arts and crafts jersey situation because LOOK AT JED'S ARMS. WHAT. I am surprised every time we get to see his bod, like being surprised with a cake. A really really beefy cake.

Jed and Hannah then play a game of 2-on-2 with each of them teaming up with a Celtics player and it's as silly as you can imagine considering Jed is wearing skinny jeans. After all of the "athleticism" (HEAVY emphasis on the quotation marks), Hannah of course wraps around him like cornmeal on a hotdog to make-out. How we all end basketball scrimmages.
For dinner, they head to the Beauty & The Beast mansion:
Jed talks about how passionate he is about music and how he's falling for Hannah and feels "something growing inside of him that he's never felt before," which I am pretty sure is the Halo Top. I actually find him really genuine and kind and OKAY IT'S MOSTLY HIS ARMS. LAWD. Hannah obviously gives him a rose.

I am legitimately worried for Peter's safety
Since we've already done a group date exposing the dudes bodies, this one is of course one to show they are men. Men play sports. Sports good. Sports manly. I could not help but notice our Peter standing there so sweetly:
They were about to play rugby and doesn't it look like he's one of those guys who's like "Let's just have fun! Woo!" Meanwhile, Luke P. is about to roid rage out. Overall, I worried for our main love interest Peter for good reason, because this ends up happening to Kevin:
He injures his shoulder and he's not exactly sure how, but I have one suspect in mind:
LOOKING KOOKOO AS HELL. I bet Luke eats steak raw. Rather, I bet he literally goes out to cow fields and bites directly into live cows. Also I'm kidding with accusing him of attacking Kevin. In actuality, he attacks Luke S. (aka scrawny brunette "political consultant" from DC). We don't get a solid shot of it because ABC is the worst, but it appears that Roid Rage Luke bodyslams Bird Body Luke. Recounting this story will cause much drama later, of course.

A battle of the Lukes
During the evening portion of the date, Hannah shows up in the outfit I am continually warned against wearing to work:
The topless blazer look is THE ultimate bad bitch look and this is the hill I will die on.

Hannah pulls Roid Rage Luke aside first to chat because she's been getting whiffs of his kookaburra tendencies and needs to suss it out. Luke proceeds to tell her that he fairly tackled Smaller Luke who responded by getting angry with balled fists, looking like he was going to "attack" him. Roids Luke claims it was self-defense and he body slammed Lil' Luke to calm the situation. Naturally. He also adds that Lil' Luke isn't here for the right reasons, never talks about Hannah and only talks about his tequila company.

Hannah, who is looking for clarity, finds approximately negative 50 of that from Roid Rage and decides to chat with Lil' Luke next.

Itty Bitty Luke is like uh no, look at my bird body, he tackled me and then kneed me in the face. He also denies the tequila company thing saying it's not even a company yet. And thus we have reached full capacity in the Stupid Situation Room.

The Lukes then confront each other in front of the other guys and everyone is essentially in agreement that Roid Rage Luke is a psychopath (accurate assessment). Bird Body Luke tells him to tell Hannah the truth about what happened and Roids is like "Sure."

He then of course does the opposite of that, telling Hannah that Lil' Luke asked him to "put in a good word" for him. You guys, it's bizarre. Luke P. is a literal sociopath that Hannah is apparently attracted to because despite all of Luke P.'s obsessive kookiness and non-blinking and all of the other guys confirming his kookiness, she is STILL like "Oh, but who do I believe!"

So don't worry, this drama isn't over.

I had honestly forgotten about this man
Garrett is a "golf pro," which I assume means he's owns a lot of ill-fitting khakis and polo shirts. He uses his time with Hannah to tell her he's "crushing" on her, which I would find adorable if said by Peter. Hannah thanks him and we get to witness some really bad kissing. Like, I'm making the official declaration that Garrett is the worst kisser this season.

He kisses similar to how you would eat a popsicle — lots of puckering and sucking but without the tastiness of an actual popsicle.

He ends up getting the group date rose.

When you leave with a shoulder injury and return from the Civil War
The ambulance apparently brought Kevin to a hospital in the 1800s because he returns to the group date looking like this.

"Big time griller, big time chiller"
Tyler C., who enjoys grilling and chilling, gets the second one-on-one date this week. Initially, I felt pretty indifferent about him because he looks like he's hammered or high or highly hammered all the time. But he proves to be pretty sweet to Hannah who is having an internal crisis about the situation with the Lukes. When they meet up, she's feeling depressed, but he lifts both her spirits and her actual body because this is how they are legally obligated to greet each other:
They spend the day on a boat catching lobsters before feeding each other:
I don't know about you, but a man waving food in front of me like a dog is not the most appealing thing. And in fact, let the record show that the last man to dangle food near my face lost 2.5 fingers.

Later at dinner, Tyler opens up, sharing that his dad almost died before he came on the show. And he spent a lot of time helping him recover and they watched Hannah on The Bachelor and his dad encouraged him to go after her. And honestly, I now find him pretty charming. Even though he sounds like he has a constant stuffy nose, he is seemingly genuine and honest.

The date ends with Tyler getting a rose and some making out as Jake Owen sings sings to them while looking like a creepy fairy godmother in the background.

Obligatory smiling Mike moment
Oh, I've got some numbers Mike can crunch.

Obligatory Peter-in-a-sweater moment
Peter is what we would get if we combined all of the good parts of Dawson Leery, Stefan Salvatore (sup Vampire Diaries), Seth Cohen (THE OC FOREVER, OK) and Jess Mariano (I hate Rory, but nonetheless). I can literally hear Sixpence None The Richer's "Kiss Me" playing every time he's onscreen. I bet he owns so many cardigans. And probably some nice salmon colored chino shorts.

To summarize: Peter continues to be sweeter than the tea at Bojangles. Ahead of the Rose Ceremony he asks Hannah to be his girlfriend. Which is freaking adorable. They then make-out like teenagers on a living room couch.
Because he is absolutely perfect and completely mentally stable, I am positive Hannah will not choose him. At which point, I'll need one of you to spray me with Pam because I'll be sliding into those DMs.

A Lukes cliffhanger
During the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, we learn that Luke is not only full of steroids but also shit. He emphasizes his story that he bodyslammed Mini Luke in "self-defense" to which Hot Mike is like "YOU WERE DEFENDING YOURSELF AGAINST LUKE S???" while making this face:
Y'all, I died. Even Luke S. himself thinks it's laughable to imagine anyone finding him threatening. And this is the face of Kookoo Luke realizing his lie of a story does not really hold up:
Hannah then decides to pull both Lukes aside to finally sort out this really really really stupid situation and the episode ends. GASP. Not. The only acceptable solution is to send both of these dull pencils home so we can move on with our lives, dear God.

And that's it! See you next week when we hopefully rid ourselves of two Lukes and get more close-ups of Mike and Peter. Til then, find me trying to locate Shawn Mendes' house on Google Street View and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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