Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's recap is brought to you by Hannah in a low ponytail making this face while having zero time for these wack ass Lukes and their wack ass ways.

This is exactly what all of us look like after we've allowed a guy to buy us a drink and would like for him to scamper away, but he doesn't, and instead rambles on about how he's an "entrepreneur."

To the wack ass Lukes...

A stupid conclusion to a stupid situation
We need a pooper scooper because this shit picks up right where it left off. Hannah asks the two Lukes to confront each other in front of her, which only leads to her making this face as they trade passive aggressive barbs:

During this group therapy session, Luke P. continues to be a literal sociopath and I would like to take Lil' Luke's side, but dear God that boy has such a punchable face. The tone of his lil' voice is just so condescending and I can imagine him saying "Do you even know who I am" to people.

A summary of the root issue for the Lukes, based on actual Luke P. quotes:

"Luke S. is not here for the right reasons"
*10 seconds later*
"I have no business judging whether or not you're here for the right reasons"

Ultimately, Hannah can only handle about 45 seconds of these idiots before walking out of the room and deciding she's ready to cut the evening short and get to the Rose Ceremony.

Before she can hand the first one out, Lil Luke decides to go home on his own because he has now mentioned his tequila company enough times to effectively launch an Instagram account. Neither Luke nor Hannah seems particularly upset about him leaving. And Chris Harrison comes to remove one of the roses, leading one of the geniuses in the group to offer an insightful analysis:

IF YOU SUBTRACT ONE, THERE IS ONE LESS. JOHN PAUL JONES IS BLOWN AWAY BY THE MATH.

Hannah returns and obviously gives Roid Rage Luke a rose, sending home John Paul Jones and Matteo (if this were a movie, these two would be credited as having non-speaking roles).

And because this show is one long case of food poisoning, Luke barfs up some more word vomit, offering a post-Rose Ceremony toast to the fellas who all hate him: "To finding your forever love and having the time of our lives on the hunt."

THE MOTHER FRACKING HUNT? Of course Luke says shit like this. When he does entrap some poor woman into marriage, I bet he'll be shocked that he doesn't get some sort of ownership certificate.

"I'll show her I'm her Braveheart"

Oh, I've got something I can show Mike.

Hot Mike gets the first one-on-one date after the group relocates from their Ramada Inn in Rhode Island to....Scotland! Because it's always important to take this shit show international.

Hannah tells him they're going to do "all of the Scottish things," which includes the following super traditional Scottish activities:

Trying on ugly hats:

Eating sour candy:

And this one is actually correct, drinking whiskey, which Hannah says gives her more "swaggy," a wildly Caucasian statement I am fully sidestepping:

Post-whiskey, Hannah is absolutely hammered. So naturally, they head to another bar to try haggis, because if there's anything a girl wants to do when she's drunk, it's eat meat comprised of sheep nose and face and ear cooked inside its own stomach. And our girl GOES IN on this weird ass meat (literal ass meat):

Once her breath is smelling completely of haggis, she gets serious with Mike, saying she's glad they've had this day to focus on their relationship without all of the outside noise (noise = Roid Rage Luke).

"I haven't been in love for almost half a decade"
This is Mike's dramatic way of saying it's been 5 years since he was in a serious relationship.

He is so nervous about sharing his feelings for Hannah and it's kind of adorable. He tells her he's 31 and has done a lot and knows who he is and is ready to get down on one knee in a few weeks. Which of course, he has known this girl for 5 weeks, engagement seems totally normal. I HATE THIS SHOW.

She thanks him for sharing and they kiss and I imagine Mike's lips feel like pillows and taste like pink Starbursts (the only Starbursts that matter) and wait, is this not my personal diary, sorry. He obviously gets a rose and FYI I have something else he can get (DON'T ACT SURPRISED, YOU KNEW I'D SAY THAT).

Now they're just taunting me

It's important to note that during their dinner, the producers have literally propped up that big ass piece of fish in the lower right corner, showcasing it like it's a prize on The Price is Right. DO THEY THINK THIS IS A GAME. Per usual, it goes untouched.

What is the temperature in this house

Why is Garrett wearing 14 layers.

"He's a big ass douche canoe"

I specifically used a screenshot with Devin's name as a reminder of who he is. Calling Luke P. a douche canoe is probably the most impactful thing he will do this season.

"Hannah was the only one who stuck her axe in the wood"
I am sparing you all the inapprop joke I could make here. For the group date, it's necessary to remind people that we're in Scotland, so Hannah enlists the help of some guys who were undoubtedly rejected extras from Game of Thrones:

Actually, they're probably production guys for the show who were forced to buy these outfits from Ralph Lauren and put on fake Scottish accents because there is no way in hell actual Scottish people are going to take part in this circus of a show.

Aside from construction worker Tyler, I'm pretty sure none of these men have ever held anything resembling an axe in their lives. So it makes sense to have them throw them! Look how adorable Peter is, giving it his all like this is a county fair and he'll win us a stuffed animal at the end:

There is then an egregious use of CGI as we're made to believe that Hannah lands the axe on the target on her first go:

To make this day even more offensive to actual Scottish people, the guys then change into kilts for the real competition that includes running with buckets of milk:

Jed decides that the best way to end the milk carrying competition is to douse himself with a bucket of it, bringing to life my slightly lactose intolerant nightmare.

Hannah comments how "sexy" this is which is quite possibly the last word I would use to describe a grown man showering himself with milk. Like, I love Jed, but I bet he smelled disgusting after this. And what should a sweaty guy who is now covered in milk do?

Why wrestle with the girl he likes, of course! I would vomit if I were Hannah. I imagine Jed smells like baby spit-up.

Later, during the evening portion of the date, Hannah punishes Jed's milky ways by suffocating him with her boobs:

Her dress really limits her ability to straddle him and they have this sort of awkward fumbling during which I was positive she would knee him in the balls.

Speaking of balls:

Peter pulls a move that I'm sure he saw in an episode of Grey's Anatomy or maybe that old classic film "American Pie." It's awkward at first, but since Peter is a character from a Netflix rom-com, it seems so sweet. They make-out on this pool table, which sounds hot and sexy in theory but is likely hard and uncomfortable in practice. Will let you know though after I get a chance to lift Peter onto a pool table.

To round out this trifecta of make-outs, Hannah lets Tyler know she has "a surprise" for him, which ends up being this:

She surprises him with a bed make-out session and he is ecstatic, proving that we really don't need to be surprising dudes with actual presents ever.

Ultimately, Jed curdles the competition and gets the group date rose.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch
Luke P. and Mike have a great time bonding and by "bonding" I mean Mike confronts Luke once again about being an asshole. Apparently no one has learned that Luke is incapable of reason, has really terrible eyebrows and most importantly, wears ugly ass clothes like this weird snakeskin looking Under Armor pullover:

It's common knowledge that you can't reason with a man who voluntarily wears shit like this.

Later, while they're silently staring at each other, Luke's one-on-one date card arrives.

For some reason, these date cards always remind me of shots from the hit drama series, "Blue's Clues." Like, the writing on these is always the same and always kind of quirky and Comic Sans'y. I'm just waiting for the date card to be this:

Lukeness Monster
Based on Hannah's Blue's Clue, she chooses Luke for a one-on-one so they can sort out their situation. And where is the best place to spend alonetime with a psychopath? Atop some cliffs!

She's upfront with him, asking why the other guys hate him. And instead of being honest and saying it's because he's a douche canoe, Luke rambles on and on about how the other Lil Luke wasn't here for the right reasons. When that is literally not what she asked about. This is like when you don't know the answer to a test question, but do know about the habits of otters and manage to produce a complete essay on otters when the actual question was about World War II. I never did this, I'm just saying that sometimes people do that.

Hannah calls him out again on this weird disconnect between what she's hearing from the other guys and what Luke is telling her, leading him to confidently share that in every other setting, everyone LOVES him. I don't have a screenshot of Hannah's reaction because she turned away from the camera, so I'll let unemployed guy (I literally do not know his name) speak for all of us:

She again tries to get him to be an actual human with emotions, asking how it makes him feel that the other guys don't like him. And he again short circuits and tells her that it doesn't affect him. And he wants to give her clarity. Which actually, Hannah does get some clarity as is seen in this exact moment:

This is the face of a woman who is clearly ready to send a dude home, but the producers won't let her.

"I don't know what I want, let's go look at this castle"
After getting fed up with Luke's inability to even slightly pretend to be human, Hannah walks away to think for a bit. Which includes chatting with the producers to let them know she doesn't know what to do next.

What I'm sure is cut out of this voyeuristic shot is Hannah pleading with the producers to let her leave this horrible date. Alas, the show is a hamster wheel that she can never get off. So she settles for going to look at this nearby castle because that is the natural consolation prize in a situation such as this.

Later, this uncomfortable marathon continues during dinner. A summary of their conversation:

Hannah: Today blew and I am outright telling you you're on thin ice
Luke P.: I have to be honest with you, I have this weird feeling that today blew and I'm on thin ice

She shares that she's looking for a "real man with flaws" and he says he's been trying to be so perfect (LOLOL wut) and it's been hard to let loose because of all the dudes hating him. He then diverts the conversation back to Hannah, saying he loves every single thing about her. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. To which she says:

Homegirl is over it. After giving him 389 chances to show even a salt pinch of human emotion, Hannah has had enough and tells Luke she can't give him a rose. And as a collective human race, we all cheered.

And that's it! I'm sure this isn't the last we'll see of Roid Rage Luke based on who he is and also because he's in the previews saying "This isn't the last you'll see of me." So see you and Luke next week! Til then, find me staring at photos of Keanu Reeves as I try to figure out if I'm attracted to him and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).