This week's post is brought to you by Hannah wearing a jacket like a cape, which is something I can't seem to do?
Like you'd think my clothes hanger shoulders would support wearing a jacket like this, but because I am such a complex person, they do not. I also don't actually get the point of wearing a jacket like this. Is it so cumbersome to slip your arms through the sleeves, really.
Okay back to the topic — this week’s episode is the EPITOME of a meeting that could’ve been an email. So let’s dive into how they managed to draw out 10 minutes of content into a two-hour episode!
Hand me another bat, this dead horse needs more beating
Post-Hannah deciding not to give Luke a rose, he takes some time to Justin Timberlake and be a Man of the Woods.
He walks around in complete darkness, stepping on every single crunchy leaf, which is how I assume most serial killers do their plotting. After mulling it over, he decides that he’s not ready to go home even though the person who gets to decide that (Hannah) has decided he should go home. MEN DO NOT LISTEN.
So he walks back into the castle saying "Nothing is going to stop me," which is definitely the way to reassure us all that he’s not a psycho. Hannah is pretty shocked to see him because, as was noted earlier, she sent him home.
They both then pull out bats and beat this dead horse of a conversation we’ve heard for an entire episode. While in this dark ass Game of Thrones room:
A summary of their convo this time:
Hannah: You’re just not opening up and you’re a robot
Luke: BLEEP BOOP BOOP BUT ME LOVE YOU. ME WANT TO MARRY YOU. BOOP BOOP.
Luke is like that puppy that shits on your carpet, except instead of a puppy, he’s a disgusting swamp monster and instead of shitting just once, he does it constantly and your carpet is Gucci AND WHY WILL HE NOT LEAVE US.
Hannah finally realizes she won’t be able to rid herself of this Luke rash tonight and says while he doesn’t have a rose, he can stay until the Rose Ceremony.
I’ve got some vested interests
Not that I’ve thought about it, but I feel like Mike could easily carry me in his arms? And that’s a crucial trait I look for in a partner, not because it’s sweet to be carried over thresholds, but because I literally hate walking.
"All of the drama is allowing nothing to get accomplished"
Hannah preaching what may be the motto of this entire show.
During the cocktail party, Garrett, aka guy who always wears 40 layers, uses his time with Hannah to ask if Luke stayed true to his promise to not mention any of the guys. She tells him that a few of the guys did come up, but only because she specifically asked about certain situations.
Garrett then all but runs from Hannah to tell the guys "HEY LUKE LIED TO US," which is a statement that no one should be surprised by. After tattling, the guys spiral into one of the most boring episodes of Jerry Springer ever.
Luke says he did mention Mike, Devin and Dylan, but only because Hannah brought up topics surrounding them. Garrett can’t let it go and they proceed to bicker for what feels like 40 hours.
Hannah, who is attempting to chat with vocal fry Connor, gets annoyed by the squawking and goes to see what’s up. I'm mostly including this shot for the caps lock EXTREME MINIATURE GOLF promo.
She asks why they're all being so annoying. And during his first speaking role of the season, Devin tells her that most of them use their time with her to build their own relationship, not bring up other guys (haha which is not true), so he’s wondering why Luke constantly brings them up. As an FYI, this is Devin because I assume you (like me) do not remember him:
Hannah squashes his loaded baked potato question by telling him "I’m the one who asked about them," effectively deflating his puffed out chest.
She tells the group to cut the shit and then walks away to drink in solitude and rethink the life decisions that led her to this:
While she’s attempting to enjoy her champagne shots, she can hear the bros at it again. ARGUING ABOUT THE SAME THING.
And I don’t want to point fingers — I want to point fingers and thumbs at who is to blame for this continued argument:
Hannah breaks down and says that Luke isn’t the only one making her mad, they’re all driving her insane with the bickering. She goes on to say that none of them have even asked deeper things about her because all they do is talk about dumb shit. And she wants them all to stop focusing on Luke and start focusing on her, WHICH IS THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW AND IT'S UPSETTING THAT SHE HAS TO REMIND THESE CLOWNS OF IT.
She then leaves these ding dongs so they can think about what they’ve done and cries into Chris Harrison’s little bird arms.
Chris Harrison seems like a nice enough guy, but all I can focus on during close-up shots of him is how he doesn’t have lips. Like, not even the tiniest outline.
Do you think that means he never needs chapstick? Or does he just apply it to his chin and the area of skin under his nose? I have so many questions.
Wait, now he's even more unemployed
After telling off all the guys and doubting this whole "journey," Hannah still holds a Rose Ceremony, which seems a little odd (even though I know she probably had to have one). Literally 30 seconds ago she was yelling Y'ALL SUCK AND I CAN'T SEE A FUTURE WITH ANY OF YOU and now she's like "Hi, will you accept this rose that will lead to marriage." A totally normal sequence of events.
Anyway, Devin, Kevin and Grant are sent home and I honestly cannot believe Grant lasted for 6 weeks. He has interacted with Hannah, one-on-one, approx negative 14 times. Also, there is no way this man is 30. He's AT LEAST 45.
And these 3 going home means that Luke ends up getting a rose because this show never tires of torturing us.
What the hell is this
The last HOUR of the show then recaps the past 6 weeks. Recaps. You guys. In the middle of an episode. As if this show is SO COMPLEX that we need a reminder of the idiocy that has occurred. Making us endure past clips is like if you got your wisdom teeth out then went back to get them out again, except the teeth are gone and it’s just painful and pointless AND WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US.
Anyway, we get to witness Chris Harrison acting as if he's Barbara Walters and just scored an exclusive interview with the president of Mars. This last hour would’ve been much more worthwhile had they just shown a montage of Mike pics, both shirtless and otherwise.
And that’s it! Bravo to this show for completely catfishing us this week. The preview for next week was probably the most exciting bit, so see you for that! Til then, find me setting up a slip-n-slide into Clay Harbor’s DMs (he’s single and headed to Bachelor in Paradise) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).
Okay back to the topic — this week’s episode is the EPITOME of a meeting that could’ve been an email. So let’s dive into how they managed to draw out 10 minutes of content into a two-hour episode!
Hand me another bat, this dead horse needs more beating
Post-Hannah deciding not to give Luke a rose, he takes some time to Justin Timberlake and be a Man of the Woods.
He walks around in complete darkness, stepping on every single crunchy leaf, which is how I assume most serial killers do their plotting. After mulling it over, he decides that he’s not ready to go home even though the person who gets to decide that (Hannah) has decided he should go home. MEN DO NOT LISTEN.So he walks back into the castle saying "Nothing is going to stop me," which is definitely the way to reassure us all that he’s not a psycho. Hannah is pretty shocked to see him because, as was noted earlier, she sent him home.
They both then pull out bats and beat this dead horse of a conversation we’ve heard for an entire episode. While in this dark ass Game of Thrones room:
Hannah: You’re just not opening up and you’re a robot
Luke: BLEEP BOOP BOOP BUT ME LOVE YOU. ME WANT TO MARRY YOU. BOOP BOOP.
Luke is like that puppy that shits on your carpet, except instead of a puppy, he’s a disgusting swamp monster and instead of shitting just once, he does it constantly and your carpet is Gucci AND WHY WILL HE NOT LEAVE US.
Hannah finally realizes she won’t be able to rid herself of this Luke rash tonight and says while he doesn’t have a rose, he can stay until the Rose Ceremony.
I’ve got some vested interests
"All of the drama is allowing nothing to get accomplished"
Hannah preaching what may be the motto of this entire show.
During the cocktail party, Garrett, aka guy who always wears 40 layers, uses his time with Hannah to ask if Luke stayed true to his promise to not mention any of the guys. She tells him that a few of the guys did come up, but only because she specifically asked about certain situations.
Garrett then all but runs from Hannah to tell the guys "HEY LUKE LIED TO US," which is a statement that no one should be surprised by. After tattling, the guys spiral into one of the most boring episodes of Jerry Springer ever.
Luke says he did mention Mike, Devin and Dylan, but only because Hannah brought up topics surrounding them. Garrett can’t let it go and they proceed to bicker for what feels like 40 hours.
Hannah, who is attempting to chat with vocal fry Connor, gets annoyed by the squawking and goes to see what’s up. I'm mostly including this shot for the caps lock EXTREME MINIATURE GOLF promo.
She tells the group to cut the shit and then walks away to drink in solitude and rethink the life decisions that led her to this:
And I don’t want to point fingers — I want to point fingers and thumbs at who is to blame for this continued argument:
She then leaves these ding dongs so they can think about what they’ve done and cries into Chris Harrison’s little bird arms.
Wait, now he's even more unemployed
Anyway, Devin, Kevin and Grant are sent home and I honestly cannot believe Grant lasted for 6 weeks. He has interacted with Hannah, one-on-one, approx negative 14 times. Also, there is no way this man is 30. He's AT LEAST 45.
And these 3 going home means that Luke ends up getting a rose because this show never tires of torturing us.
What the hell is this
The last HOUR of the show then recaps the past 6 weeks. Recaps. You guys. In the middle of an episode. As if this show is SO COMPLEX that we need a reminder of the idiocy that has occurred. Making us endure past clips is like if you got your wisdom teeth out then went back to get them out again, except the teeth are gone and it’s just painful and pointless AND WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US.
And that’s it! Bravo to this show for completely catfishing us this week. The preview for next week was probably the most exciting bit, so see you for that! Til then, find me setting up a slip-n-slide into Clay Harbor’s DMs (he’s single and headed to Bachelor in Paradise) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).
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