Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

This week's post is brought to you by Tyler summarizing how we all felt about this episode. We'll never know what word he said that ABC replaced with a blank line (my guess is "I mashed potato hate this, dude").
You guys. I haven't been this mad about something since, well actually since last week's episode when we got catfished into a 2-hour episode that included 5 minutes of actual content. It's almost like I'll never learn. So let's dive into this ignorance!

"I did not know nekkid bodies would fall out of there"
I am required to spell naked like that to reflect exactly how Hannah says it.

We're in Latvia! And no, I did not accidentally spell "Latvia" like "latka," I know the difference. Boring golf pro Garrett gets the first one-on-one date in our new location, I assume as a reward for matching his sweater to the interview room decor:
They meet in the woods, aka the one place your mom always told you NOT to meet men at, and Hannah claims it's "so beautiful."
To be honest, it looks like a lot of dead trees and shrubs, but what do I know about beauty. They walk around for a bit before "stumbling" upon a couple bungee jumping out of a cable car naked. And on a whim (not planned by the producers or told in advance to both of them of course) they decide, hey let's do that too!

So they head up in this cable car and we get plenty of censored shots. Is there really anything more romantic than sharing a black censor box with your boyfriend?
Okay and look, I don't want to body shame anyone except oh, what is this, the shame bell from Game of Thrones! Garrett's body is probably last on the list of men I want to see naked. Like, he's even after Chris Harrison. It's annoying that we get to see Garrett's pink and hairy body when there's a perfectly good Mike around. Unbelievable.

Anyway, they hold each other and jump and we get this super attractive shot of both of them:
I assume that's both of their shoulders, but we can't really be sure. And once they're back on the ground, the cable car operators throw Hannah's bra in the water:
This seemed both unnecessary and also rude? Like that bra is probably at least $30?

Anyway, they get cleaned up and go to dinner and Garrett shares that he grew up in a football family and played it growing up, but one day was like "Bruh, this isn't for me" and decided to do the white thing and switch to golf. Wow, so brave. Some more observations on Garrett: I feel like he's probably really messy? Like I imagine his frat house, er I mean, house, is just full of empty water bottles. And soap scum stains. And stains in general. My point here is he's just not my bowl of noodles.

Hannah apparently enjoys bland tofu though and gives him a rose.

"A normal date with 7 men"
For the group date, the other dry pieces of chicken and one beef cake Mike get to wander around this local food market with Hannah. At one point, Tyler brings Hannah flowers, which seems sweet until you realize they are SURROUNDED by cheese and this man brought her plants instead of a cheese bouquet. He may be hot, but he's still got a lot to learn.

Hannah seemingly enjoys herself, saying that they all did "exactly what I asked." This includes having Mike pick her up and who can blame her:
I'm more interested in seeing what Mike can put down, if you know what I mean (OH PLEASE YOU'RE USED TO ME SAYING THESE THINGS NOW).

Later during the ignore-the-charcuterie portion of the night, Hannah gives Tyler a dental exam because she is a true Renaissance woman:
Tyler tells her "You look heaven sent, like an angel, and I hope you're my angel" AND THIS IS THE CHEESE I'M TALKIN ABOUT. I think Tyler is smokin' hot, but his charm levels are BEYOND a box of Lucky Charms.

While this is happening, Luke tells the guys (because they're all such good friends) that he's disappointed Hannah went bungee jumping naked with Garrett because her body is a temple. As a note, he didn't believe Garrett when he first told the group what they did, so Luke asked Hannah during the group date what she and Garrett did on their date. And she confirmed Nakedpalooza.

Back to the point, Sexist Idiot Luke is on the verge of a roid rage episode and decides he needs to voice his ignorant concern to Hannah. A summary of their conversation:

Luke: Naked. Garrett. Me mad. You mine. Your body mine.
Hannah: It wasn't sexual, also I do what I want

He says it's a slap in the face that she did this, relating it to being cheated on. He also adds that even if she makes "boneheaded mistakes" he'll forgive her and they'll get through it, which is implying that her naked bungee jumping was boneheaded. She's sort of at a loss for words because: 1) She can do what she wants with her body and 2) Refer to #1. There will be more on this later, of course.

Hot ass Tyler gets the group date rose.

"It's important for Peter to have all of me like he deserves"
GO ON HANNAH, PREACH. Our Teen People magazine cover star gets the second one-on-one date and please look at this outfit he shows up in that is straight out of Dawson Leery's closet, MY HEART:
I can actually smell the Abercrombie & Fitch cologne all over this jacket and I don't hate it. For their date, Hannah brings Peter to this Latvian spa type place because she is doing the Lord's work in presenting a situation where Peter must be shirtless.

After beating each other with branches, they sit in a sauna to have a sweaty, half-naked conversation.
Or well, they attempt to have a deep conversation but really spend the majority of the time calling each other hot. And in both of their defenses, they're not wrong. Also, per Hannah's abs, it seems she does not indulge in Domino's at 3 a.m. post-drinking. So I really admire her.

After both of their loins are literally on fire, we get these totally non-creepy shots of them making out through a slightly open door:
Hannah is so honest about being a straight up horn dog and I love her for it. Live your life atop sweaty Peter, girl.

We then get a visit from an old friend:
The hot tub is back! This same old thing they cart around to EVERY international location. Peter tells Hannah he felt terrible she was so upset last week, but also, that it sucked to hear her say she couldn't see herself "getting there" with any of them. She reassures him and they make out more because it is mandatory in the hot tub.

Later at dinner, Peter shares that he's had trouble opening up because of heartbreak from a past relationship. But he's opening up now because he's never felt so strongly so quickly about someone like he does for Hannah. He then tells her he's falling for her and she obviously gives him a rose.

Peter is perfect, so my only concern about their date is DO THESE LOOK LIKE PANCAKES???

Things that I would react awkwardly to
Before the Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony, Jed decides he needs to remind everyone that he's a musician. So he surprises Hannah by singing outside of her hotel window before being invited up to sing to her face-to-face. As a loud awkward bird, a guy gently singing a love ballad to my face would make me so uncomfortable. Like can we get some Britney or Gaga in here.

Also, this might be rude (what's new), but there's clearly a reason why Jed hasn't made it big yet. And that reason is his voice isn't that great. Anyone can whisper sing like he does. There was literally an early 2000s song called "The Whisper Song" (shout out to the Ying Yang Twins). But Hannah enjoys the whispering and intense eye contact and they make out in front of Jed's guitar:
PLEASE LOOK AT HER FLEXED FOOT. I could not stop laughing. Her little foot just hanging there while his guitar is literally in her ass. ROMANCE.

Obligatory smiling Mike moment
I wish Mike was an alarm clock so I could tap that every morning. OH WHATEVER YOU AGREE, STOP PRETENDING TO CLUTCH YOUR PEARLS.

"You're not my husband and you don't own my body"
After marinating on the whole "body is a temple" thing that Luke mentioned earlier and gathering her caps lock thoughts, Hannah is ready to confront him about how ignorant he is. She makes this face for the majority of their conversation, which heads up, this is the DEFAULT face of all women when we're pissed. Chin down, brows up and melting into our eyes.
Hannah proceeds to recall WORD FOR WORD what Luke said about being mad that she "exposed" her body to a man that wasn't her husband and how it upset him because he wants to introduce her to his family. And asks him to explain himself.

Honestly, I sort of expected his dumb ass to clarify his words by straight up saying "I cannot have my wife, the woman I bought and own, pregnant and in the kitchen making me sandwiches if she has ever been naked before, ever." (I also feel pretty certain he would be surprised to learn that women can vote.)

Instead, Luke, whose raisin brain is more shriveled than his balls from steroids, bumbles over his words in a poor attempt to explain his misogyny. In true asshole form, he responds to Hannah with "IF I said that...." and "I don't know if you totally remember...."

To which Hannah responds:
At this point, they are having two completely different conversations, wherein Hannah is voicing legitimate concerns and Luke is feigning amnesia while trying to convince her that she misheard his ignorant comments. And since I've highlighted what an upset woman looks like, this is what a lying douchebag looks like:
Cheeks all flushed and neck full of hives because his own blood is literally trying to escape his presence. I really cannot emphasize enough how happy I'll be to see his Sharpie'd brows and flesh colored beard go home.

He returns to the room of guys and this interaction happens:

Room of guys: *silence, literally no one addresses Luke's presence*

He then tells them that they all need to "stay in their lane," which is like an arsonist telling a firefighter to stop starting fires. Witnessing his personality is so bizarre. The only good that will come out of this, I assume, is a PSA showing the negative side effects of steroids. The more you know.

After all this, there's no way Luke gets a rose, right?
WRONG. The producers, I mean "Hannah," decides to give Luke the last rose, opting to send home the two D's (Dustin and Dylan) over the biggest D-bag in the house.

Since he opened the post, let's bring this full circle and let Tyler close out the post with his reaction to Hannah giving Luke a rose:
And that's it! This week was especially annoying and horrendous, which is saying a lot since this show maintains a pretty high bar for terribleness. I can only hope we've been forced to endure Luke because he will go home in some embarrassing fashion. See you next week for (hopefully) that! Til then, find me hovering over and inhaling the bowl of Doritos at your summer barbecue and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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