Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by Hannah's allergies exploding while she walks through this field of pollen, I mean flowers:
We're in Amsterdam this week!

Seriously though, what is the temperature
Hannah is wearing a wool coat, Connor has on a light jacket, Tyler is in like 14 layers and Garrett is wearing a short-sleeved shirt. Based on this, I assume the temperature is between 30 and 100 degrees. HOW CAN THEIR BODY TEMPERATURES HAVE SUCH A WIDE RANGE?

Temperature confusion aside, Jed gets the first one-on-one date in the Netherlands. They walk around random shops pretending to have fun instead of heading to a coffee shop (read: place to smoke weed), which honestly what a wasted opportunity for Hannah to ask Jed if he's "high on love." I could be a writer on this show if it wouldn't bring shame to my family and also the entire Asian race.

They wrap up this boring ass, non-high day by heel clicking like leprechauns in front of a creepy organ thing:
The snooze fest continues at the usual dinner date location, a West Elm show room:
They talk about the same stuff we've already heard — Hannah says she's protective of her heart and Jed says it's so easy to be with her. And I guess because she clicked her heels with him in front of that creepy circus organ, Hannah finally feels comfortable letting Jed know she's falling for him as much as he's falling for her. And I am falling in and out of consciousness because they have the same boring ass interaction every time.

The night concludes with Hannah giving Jed a rose (obvi) followed by some very loud mouth slopping. The thing we need to talk about is WHAT IS ON HANNAH'S PLATE?
It's likely a piece of fake prop chicken, but I have this feeling IT MIGHT BE SOME SORT OF BUTTERY BAKED GOOD? I gotta tell ya, if I had the choice between having Jed slobber or baked goods butter all over my mouth, I'd choose the butter. Easily.

"We're horsing around The Hague"
Fine ass Tyler gets the second one-on-one date and it begins with them being that couple that rides horses around an area that horses should not be in:
This portion proves to be awkward because the extent of their horse knowledge is clearly hors d'oeuvres. They ride around some square and by "ride around" I mean each of their horses spends the entire time slowly turning in circles. Riveting.

Things really get wild when they come across a guy selling pickled herring. Tyler proceeds to feed Hannah like this as opposed to, I don't know, holding it horizontally and feeding it to her like a human woman as opposed to a dog receiving a treat:
Hannah's like "Oh it's not bad" and proceeds to make Tyler try it even though he has voiced that pickled herring is his "worst nightmare," which wow he's clearly never had to sit next to a farting guy on a cross country flight. He reacts as such:
Hannah tells him to "man up," because having a man who can eat vinegary fish is the true sign of masculinity.

Now that their breath is completely fishy and Tyler's is a little vomity, they sit on a bench for introspective, meaningful conversation. Their conversation is a little awkward mostly because Hannah expects these dudes to reveal some unbelievable, dramatic or painful event from their past EVERY TIME they talk. Like, girl. You can't get mad that Tyler didn't tell you he survived the sinking of the Titanic.

Later at dinner, Tyler is hot:
Those dimples! He tells Hannah he has trouble opening up because of what he watched his parents go through before their divorce. His dad apparently lost everything when the market crashed and his parents had to sell their waterfront house and they eventually grew apart.

He says his biggest fear is failing at marriage and at this point based on that jawline and those eyes and his deep, sultry voice, I am positive he is a character from a Reese Witherspoon rom-com. Like he seems so simple on the surface, but underneath is a tortured soul covered in muscles and abs.

He of course gets a rose. And can someone let me know who he looks like?

I forgot he was here
After the guys find out Mike is getting the last one-on-one, Connor realizes Hannah may have forgotten he's here. So he goes to her room to chat and check-in where they are with their relationship and to summarize Hannah is like new phone, who dis and then this happens:
I guess vocal fries wasn't the side she ordered.

"I'm gonna bike with Mike"
I've got something Mike can ride (OH PLEASE, YOU WERE THINKING IT TOO). For the first part of their date, Hannah and Mike ride bikes around like they're in a montage from "Now & Then" before stopping at an art studio. They draw funny sketches of each other before a lady makes them fashion outfits out of scarves to pose for a painting. All very normal date procedures.

Ahead of the dinner portion of the date, we get very dramatic close-ups of Hannah crying while looking at some Renaissance paintings (full disclosure: I categorize most old, softly blurred paintings of white people as "Renaissance"):
Apparently looking at old paintings of white people on farms makes Hannah realize Mike is not right for her. Before they can even get to ignoring whatever the food is, she tells him that she can't be the "fourth lady" in his life and can't see them getting there. And Mike is completely stunned and in all honesty, I screamed because this means we can date now (because the only thing hindering us from dating was his potential relationship with Hannah). He thanks her for being honest and is sad in the Lyft that picks him up, but deep inside, he must be cheering because he is absolutely in the running to be The Bachelor or at least to be the hottest dude on Bachelor in Paradise. The upside!

Sharing one last smiling Mike moment because I must and also because I've had it printed and framed for personal reasons:

"We've got a 5 foot 8 villain here"
Tyler says this directly to Luke, noting that the "villain" is usually a "big dude." While this insult is stupid and simple so is Luke, so the tiny shoe fits. Also just felt like including this photo of Luke eating what I think is human skin.

Three guys, two roses
So Golf Pro Garrett, Roid Rage Luke and Pilot Peter are subjected to the group date. Since Mike got sent home, this means we have two roses left, so which two dirty-blonde-white guys will Hannah choose??

The producers don't even try with this date and have the guys sit in a literal waiting room while waiting to talk to Hannah like this is some job interview. First up is Luke. He has just promised Peter he will not talk about the other guys, but also, blink if you were lying and are definitely going to talk about the other guys:
Luke continues his reign as class tattletale by telling Hannah that Garrett was mean to him and faked being friendly with him. While he's spilling this cold, unflavored, unsweet tea, Hannah tries to go to sleep because this must be some reoccurring nightmare:
After Luke finishes his shit talking, Hannah chats with Garrett next. We learn that he is one of those bros who thinks complementing Brooks Brothers apparel with Jordans is a personality:
Hannah tells him that Luke brought him up and we all proceed to get on this same merry-go-round of he said, he said. I did not pay for this ride nor do I want to be on it.

Garrett then returns to the waiting room and he and Luke proceed to trade passive aggressive barbs while using bologna as a weapon:
I haven't seen someone manhandle that much meat since the last time I was in a hot dog eating competition (literal hot dogs, you sickos).

While the boys are throwing their meat around, Dawson Leery is off winning Joey Potter's heart:
As if we had any doubts, Peter gets a rose, sending him to hometown dates along with Jed and Tyler. So we now have one rose left for the two baloney boobs to fight over.

Wow such great choices left
99% of the screenshots I got of Garrett and Luke feature them blinking and I am not sorry.

During what becomes a 2-on-1 date, both guys give it their last ditch effort to win a rose, I mean this show, I mean Hannah's "heart." Garrett tells Hannah that he loves her, because sure why not what do words even mean. And Luke tells Hannah that he used to be a drunken hoe who chased "fleshly desires" (not a good enough reason to say "fleshly desires"). But then God spoke to him in the shower and now he's a judgmental, slut shaming asshole. Wow. Hannah faces a tough decision because the quality of these guys is unparalleled.
Shoutout to ABC for having Luke and Garrett represented by white and red wine, the complexity and symbolism really jumps out. In the end, Hannah gives Luke a rose because she is undoubtedly being blackmailed and Luke reacts by smiling like a bulldog being scratched behind the ear:
Garrett exits sweetly, telling Hannah he gave it his all before attempting to squish her head:
And that's it! See you all next week for hometown dates when Hannah tells four different guys' families that she wants to marry them. Very regular!

Til then, find me internally struggling about going with a middle part and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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