Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Fantasy Suites)

This week's post is brought to you by Ludacris because it's Fantasy Suites week!
And bringing up this explicit song we sang along to as middle schoolers seems appropriate. Anywho, we're in Greece!

"I've stripped down all the walls and I'm totally exposed"
When Peter says he's totally exposed, he means it y'all. Before exposing himself, Peter greets Hannah on the beach and they exchange air:
I've thought about what would happen if I flung my body in the air toward a man of Peter's build and concluded my density would knock the air and maybe the life out of him. I'm willing to give it a shot though.

Hannah let's Peter know they didn't come to Greece just to make-out on the beach, no way! They're also going to make-out on a boat:
After making out, they take a face-to-face and also crotch-to-crotch nap, very romantic:
After they've completely eaten the Chapstick off each others mouths, they decide it might be important to also talk since a proposal is literally weeks away. During their chat, they both use the words "raw" and "exposed" and "stripped down" way more often than a normal human would, which I have to believe is the work of the producers. At one point, Peter asks "How did I get so lucky to meet this amazing person?" Um well, you filled out an application so that solves that mystery.

During the evening portion of the date, they sit on a day bed from my childhood bedroom:
They've obviously removed the trundle bed below. While ignoring those two plates of lettuce, Peter proceeds to take approx 4 hours to get the words out telling Hannah he loves her. He eventually get it out and Hannah rewards his efforts with a thing they have not really done today, kissing, and also a card inviting him to the Fantasy Suite.

Peter obviously accepts and we then learn HE IS THE WINDMILL SEX GUY:
That's right. The guy Hannah was referring to in the promos about having sex with in a windmill twice is our lil' Peter (and his lil' Peter). We also learn that the interior of this windmill looks like the basement of a frat house and it's terrifying:
Despite this looking like a Game of Thrones dungeon, I totally get Hannah wanting to Cersei his Lannister.

She wakes up the next morning and dances because she is Joey Potter and he is Pacey Witter and they finally did it:
Peter says it was the best night of his life and they "came together so much" and I am shocked he was able to deliver that line without cracking up. CAME TOGETHER SO MUCH? Where is the writing Emmy for the producer that made Peter say that.

"Tyler is that dream guy"
This is Fantasy Suites week so I'm skipping all of the stupid parts where Tyler isn't shirtless and oh hello:
Hannah brings Tyler to this spa for the day, aka, place for them to get half naked and oiled down and I want to send her a thank you note for taking Tyler only on shirtless dates. She really is doing the Lord's work.

About halfway through their massage, Tyler decides to upgrade this PG party to a PG-13 one and puts his massage skills to use:
Honestly how Hannah didn't realize sooner that he had replaced her masseuse considering he was only massaging her ass is confusing. Nonetheless, she finally notices and they of course start to make-out and this escalates to an R-rated party. I'm pretty positive that at this point, I am pregnant and Tyler is the father:
They're both wildly attractive but this looks like two raw chickens tangled by the wings.

The evening portion of the date takes place in some sort of wicker basket factory:
I don't even think there's any food on table because Tyler is serving us all the nourishment we need (OH MY GOD I HAVE TRULY OUTDONE MYSELF). Hannah realizes her horn dog meter is off the charts with Tyler and tells him that she doesn't want to go to the Fantasy Suite with him because she's worried the biggest part of their relationship is being physical with one another and the emotional part needs work. Which, there is nothing that stipulates you MUST have sex in the suites, but I appreciate Hannah admitting that Tyler is a walking aphrodisiac.

Here's his entire response that I must include because it looks like a monologue Peter Kavinsky may give in one of the "To All the Boys I've Loved Before" movies:
From Twitter
So now, not only has he set our loins ablaze, but also our hearts. Everything is on fire. That convinces Hannah and they retire to their Fantasy Suite on a boat.

The next day, Hannah emerges and says they spent the whole night talking and would make-out a bit before he would stop to hold her and tell her he loved her AND THIS IS ENTIRELY TOO SWEET, MY TEETH HURT.

I literally do not care about this one
I know I've talked about enjoying the visuals of Jed's bod, but as it turns out, him constantly being a Daria about Hannah keeping Luke around is a major turn-off. For their date, they meet in front of what appears to be a medical center to, I hope, address Jed's obvious deviated septum:
DON'T ACT LIKE HIS NASALY VOICE AND NOSE WHISTLES DON'T DISTRACT YOU TOO. They then head out to crash this Greek family gathering because why not:
They dance around and eat this family's food and make-out in front of them and it's totally normal. Jed pulls her away for a moment to chat because he has forgotten the premise of this show and the fact that it's Hannah's choice who gets to stay. He interrogates her, asking why she's kept Luke around for so long and she's like "bitch this is my season and I do what I want." Okay, not exactly that, she also mentions that she has a weird connection with Luke and can't explain it (nor should she have to).

Later at dinner, Jed plays this same off-key song and brings up Luke AGAIN. Hannah reacts as any woman does when faced with some redundant, crusty ass BS:
A summary of their conversation:

Jed: I just need to understand how you can like someone like Luke
Hannah: You have to trust that I can figure this out on my own
Jed: You liking this shitty guy makes me worried that you make shitty decisions

She then gets up from the table because she's pissed and Jed won't give her a freaking second to collect her thoughts without holding her like this is some high school prom photo:
Heads up: Anytime we repeatedly try to twist our hair into a bun with an imaginary hair tie, we are angry AF. I was hoping she would "accidentally" elbow him in his huge oddly shaped head.

They return to the table of kids play food and Jed, realizing he might be close to going home and losing screen time, I mean, Hannah, decides to backtrack. And he's like "JK, I trust you!" essentially taking white-out to the entirety of their previous conversation. I guess that's good enough for Hannah though as she invites him to the Fantasy Suite. Here they are the next morning while he T-Rex arms her head:

Hannah completely wastes her bucket list location of Santorini on dumbass Luke. They ride on a helicopter (because she won't be riding anything else IM SORRY OKAY, I HAD TO SAY IT) before settling on this scenic location for some making out:
She claims Luke is the best kisser, but like at what point will she realize that sometimes the things you enjoy bring you the most pain. Like me with milk products. Sometimes you just shouldn't risk the explosive results.

During this short lived moment of bliss, they both say they're "back on track" and SPOILER ALERT that track leads straight to Crazytown.

At dinner, Luke decides it's time to remind Hannah that he is the morality police. He says sex is for marriage (except for all that sex he had while he was ho' status) and he would need to leave if she's been intimate with any of the dudes. She listens before telling him that she doesn't owe him shit and he shouldn't judge her. A recap of her facial expressions because they are top notch:
After learning Hannah has GASP had sex with these guys, Luke begins to short circuit and is like "Wait wait, okay so you slipped up, I can work through anything" at which point I wanted Hannah to flip the table and kick him in the balls. She tells him she's a grown ass woman and can make her own decisions. And he decides the best way to clear up the situation is to say she's misunderstanding him and emphasize AGAIN that he can forgive her if she "slipped up."

That elicits this reaction:
Finally, Hannah is like "HO' YOU GOTTA GO," but Luke, who is unaware that women are allowed to talk back to men, WILL NOT get up. Hannah then stands over him and repeatedly says "GET UP":
Eventually his steroid filled ass gets up and by this point it's pouring because God is crying tears of joy that Hannah has finally decided to freeze this Luke wart off. Luke keeps asking to talk and also asks to pray for her and she's just like "NO BITCH!" and I haven't screamed "YAA YAAA YAA" so many times at the TV since well, the commercial break prior that mentioned Olive Garden has buy-one-get-one dinners (I LOVE FREE NOODS).

Before he leaves, Hannah says "GUESS WHAT, I HAVE HAD SEX AND JESUS STILL LOVES ME" and with that, the church said amen.
I don't know if Hannah would agree, but her dumping Luke was the most satisfying thing I experienced this episode.

And that's it! At least until Luke returns next week uninvited like the herpes he is. Here's to hoping Jed tries to fight him, sending them both home! Two birds! See you next week for that and the Men Tell All. Til then, find me listening to my summer playlist that consists only of "Work From Home" on repeat and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

No comments:

Post a Comment