Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Hometown Dates)

This week's post is brought to you by Tyler licking his lips during the Rose Ceremony.
As the great poet Selena Gomez once said, "The heart wants what it wants." She was the first and only one to say it, do not fact check me, just trust.

We've made it to hometown dates! Aka, the week when Hannah tells four different dudes families that she could def see herself marrying all of them. Very regular, here we go!

California with Peter
We head 5 minutes down the road from the mansion to Westlake Village, CA to meet the family of Teen People magazine cover star Peter. They greet each other like this is a scene from Twilight while some poor cameraman drowns in pollen to get this shot:
After mandatory koala hugging, they go for a ride in Peter's "baby" and I'm sorry, I don't care what luxury car you have, a freaking 2-door is WACK AS HELL. Ain't nobody got time for moving a seat so you can get into a cramped ass back seat!
During their drive, Hannah decides to investigate Peter's center console and for once I'm not even being suggestive, I mean his literal center console:
She finds a condom and he acts embarrassed as if he didn't watch the producers plant it there approx 3 minutes ago. The show also blurs out the condom for the most part, so for all we know this is actually just a moist towelette (vv sorry for saying moist and for saying it again now).

Peter then surprises Hannah with a ride on his plane, again, a literal plane I'm not being disgusting but wow there are so many opportunities for jokes here. Anyway, they take flight because we need a reason for Peter to use the quote "I'm looking for a co-pilot for life."

And now, a series of moments of Peter "piloting" the plane:

I don't know, I just feel like he should also be ACTUALLY FLYING THE PLANE???? Is this what my Delta pilot does in the cockpit too? Do you have to be a good kisser to be a pilot? I just have so many logistical questions.

Back on the ground, they sit on this random ass bench to chat before heading to Peter's house. Benches are a recurring theme this episode as you'll later see, very exciting for us furniture aficionados.
At Peter's house, we meet his hot younger brother and before you jump to conclusions, he graduated from UCLA last year so he's at least 22 and this is totally legal and fine:
Doesn't he also look like a character from a teen rom-com? Except he's like the quiet, nerdy one. But a hot nerd who happens to have abs that convince us to fall in love with him. Wow, Hollywood is really missing out on my scripts and complex plot development.

During their bonding time, hot little bro emphasizes that Peter gets very invested in his relationships and says "When he gets all into you, it's very hard for him to get out." You guys. Standing ovation for this show going out of its way to make ALL of the innuendos for me this week.

The overall vibe of family time is pretty welcoming — Peter's dad says he can tell they care deeply about each other and Peter's mom seems satisfied knowing that even though Hannah is dating 3 other guys, she can "picture" it being Peter at the end. Which SPOILER ALERT is the line she will feed every dude's mom.

At the end of their date, Peter reiterates he's crazy about Hannah, but doesn't tell her he loves her. And then does something that Luke could never do — hugs her while being tall.

Florida with Fine Ass Tyler
Tyler opens his date in Jupiter, Florida with the rhyme "This is my hometown with Hannah Brown." How this man makes literally the stupidest, cheesiest things sound charming is confusing. He should really consider being the leader of one of those weird sex cults.

Hannah shows up and is like "It's beautiful here!" and Tyler, not to be topped by Tyler, replies with "But you're outshining it" AND I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. At this point, I think I'm falling in love with him.

They proceed to head out on a boat because what is the point of this date if Tyler isn't shirtless.
Hannah paws at his bod allegedly applying sunscreen, which, if that's the case he's going to have the strangest tan lines based on how unevenly she's spreading it.

He returns the favor by applying sunscreen to her boobs using only his eyes:
They ride around on this boat and he eventually shows her the house he grew up in and it's cute and yes I am 100% in love with him. They then sit on a beach for a little, mostly to enrage me by ignoring that BASKET OF CRISPY ASS FRIES:
Later, Hannah meets Tyler's family including his dad who was sick for a while. Similar to the vibe at Peter's, everyone is pretty welcoming. His two brothers even come over from the frat house to say they think he's ready to be engaged:
While Tyler tells his mom he's ready to propose, his dad is outside telling Hannah how happy he is to see Tyler in love. He also mentions that Tyler hasn't had a lot of girlfriends, which might be the most shocking thing I've ever heard in my life considering this is what his butt looks like in these tight ass pants:
When Hannah asks his dad if he thinks Tyler is ready to be engaged, he says Tyler is 26 and that's the point in life when marriage is a definite reality. For some perspective, when I was 26, my car hopped a curb and blew a tire because I was distracted while reaching for a macaroon I had just bought. So, absolutely agree that 26 is when we are all mature enough for marriage.

Before the night ends, they must sit on this bench as is required by law:
The date finally ends with Hannah checking to ensure none of Tyler's fillings have fallen out. Every good dentist knows this straddling method offers the best angle.

Georgia with Luke
For crazypants date, we head to Gainesville, Georgia. Luke first brings Hannah to some sort of Sunday school/bible study which the producers do not present in some sort of weird cult way at all:
The diversity in this shot just really jumps out. I mean look at how many brunettes there are! And that one guy has glasses!

I am mostly skeptical of this situation because they claim it's a "bible study," yet I see no sweet tea nor apple pie nor peach cobbler nor any sweets whatsoever. As someone whose family is Southern and has gone to plenty of church type things, I KNOW the way to distinguish a Southern church event is food. So, I have no idea what this gathering is.

Luke shares the same story we've now heard 154 times about how he found religion in the shower and I'll just let Hannah's "I'm imagining myself back on the beach with Tyler" face speak for all of us:
I'm convinced Luke has some sort of sponsorship deal with showers and is contractually obligated to mention them every episode.

That night, Hannah meets Luke's parents, his brother Mike and sister-in-law (who's also named Hannah). His brother, who kind of looks like Jim Carrey, is injured:
And we'll never know how that happened, but I used to watch Inspector Gadget a lot so I'm qualified to declare I have one suspect in mind:
WHY ARE HIS PUPILS ALWAYS DILATED? This is him in a "calm" moment talking to his mom. Speaking of, his parents are funnily enough like "Ummm Hannah why do you like him." His whole family is generally kind of surprised that he's made it this far, what with his crazy hanging out for so long. At one point, Luke's dad literally tells him "Well thank God for Hannah because for some unknown reason she likes you" (okay those aren't the exact words, but you get it).

But since he paid them, I mean since they love him, Luke's whole family paints this totally different picture of him. They describe him as this peacekeeping sweetheart, which is vastly different from the aggressive roid raged dude we've seen for 8 weeks.

The date ends with them sitting on another random bench because there is some sort of bench quota to fill:
I think this show is sending me subliminal messages because I now have a sudden urge to buy a bench. Strange.

As the guy who told her he was falling for her on Day 2, Luke of course tells Hannah he loves her. And she tells him she's falling in love with him. And he responds by squishing her face with his flesh-colored beard.

Tennessee with Jed
Hannah heads to a small town outside of Knoxville, Tennessee to meet Jed's family. I actually love how Hannah says "Jed" because she pronounces it like "Chad" but with a J (like "Jad"). Yeah just say it to yourself and that's exactly how she says it.

They meet in some town square and I remain pleasantly surprised at how beefy he is. Also want to point out that I am this displeased woman staring right at the camera:
Hannah says Jed "always has something in his pocket for me" and again, the show is beating me to every single joke. It's unreal. This time, the "surprise" Jed has for Hannah is:
I am shocked! A recording studio! Did you guys know Jed is an aspiring singer? It's not like he's brought it up every single time he's been onscreen, so!

Jed says they're going to write a song together, which Hannah declares is what every girl wants a guy to do for her. And I have to think that Naya Rivera would beg to differ considering Big Sean wrote a song called "I Don't Fuck With You" about her. But what do I know.

After "writing" a song, they head into the recording booth because seriously, Jed is not wasting his camera time and needs to remind us of his mediocre voice. This portion of the date ends with him telling her he loves her before they launch into their usual kissing that sounds like suction cups.
I don't want to know what sounds those mics picked up and the sound booth guys had to endure.

They then head to meet Jed's family and remember how last season, Cassie's family was VERY skeptical of this entire situation? Right, that's Jed's family this season.
During dinner, Jed's mom makes this toast that's like "Here's to everyone trusting their intuition and sticking to their truth because that's beneficial to everyone" and I died laughing.

Also I couldn't help but notice that his dad looks like Jessica Simpson's dad with that Ed Hardy shirt and soul patch?
Jed tells his dad he's in love and Hannah is aware of his life and supports his music and blah blah. His dad is basically like, Jed wtf are you doing this is crazy you just met her.

And here's a recap of the conversation Hannah has with Jed's mom, who makes this face for most of it:
Mom: Ummm this whole show is insane and not real
Hannah: I'm falling in love with Jed
Mom: Bihhhhh you probs say that to all the guys!
Hannah (stuttering): No, no I don't
Mom: Bihhhhhhhhh, whatever he ain't ready to get married!

The best part of this entire evening is Hannah's conversation with Jed's sister who could give two poots in the wind about their relationship.
Looking like DJ Tanner, she's like THIS HOUSE IS FULL (shoutout to Ellisa for that one). Hannah tries to win her over but his sister did not order this and is not having it.


Wait, I want my cake and I want to eat it too
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Hannah seeks counsel from the Grandmother Willow of this show, Chris Harrison.
I don't remember anything he said because all I could hear was his pinstriped suit yelling FUHGEDDABOUDIT. But Hannah shares she's uncertain of who to pick because they all presented great benches. So she's just gonna go into the Rose Ceremony and chicken wing it.

After giving Peter and Tyler roses (they're def final 2), she short circuits while trying to decide between Jed and Luke. So she heads out of the room, tells Chris she cannot send one of these guys home and then tries to break the rose apart like this is a scene in Mean Girls.
In a move we all see coming, Chris provides Hannah with an extra rose meaning NO DUDES GO HOME. Lord. But also, go on Hannah, convincing the show to let her bring all 4 dudes to Fantasy Suites so she can see what they have to offer (by "what they have to offer" I mean their bodies, was that not clear).

And that's it! I cannot wait for all of the suggestive remarks horn dog Hannah will make during overnight dates next week, love her. Til then, find me panicking in an H&M fitting room because I'm trapped in a romper I tried on, and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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