Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by Hannah looking like the mean popular girl at prom from every 90s teen movie:
I have a feeling she's about to tell Rachel Leigh Cook she was just a bet between Freddie Prinze Jr. and Paul Walker. Then break out into a choreographed Fatboy Slim dance.

We've made it to the Men Tell All! Aka the week when they bring back 400 guys we don't remember. But before we jump into that, we endure one last Rose Ceremony with this recurring rash named Luke.

"I'm about to go psycho"
As we all remember, except for Luke who was actually there for it, Hannah sent Luke home last week. But like any shitty dude, he decides no one chooses when he goes home except for him. So he shows up at the Rose Ceremony like that moldy slice of pizza you SWORE you got rid of:
Shoutout to that insert of a woman who I assume is named Kathy reacting for all of us. All of the other guys are unaware Hannah sent him home early, so they think the presence of this long-term zit is totally normal. Obviously Hannah saying "WTF" tips them off that he shouldn't be here.

He says he's "not through," as if we're at a restaurant and the waiter is trying to take away his half-eaten raw steak (I bet he likes his steak freshly cut off the cow with a lighter ran over it). He tells Hannah he's here for clarity and isn't leaving without closure. In response, Hannah moves the rose holder thing (is there an official term) to block him out:
I cannot express how much I have hated seeing his short ass in oversized suits for 11 weeks. Like, most dudes look better in suits but he looks exponentially worse. I guess it's hard to stuff so much ignorance into such flimsy material though. Anyway, Hannah continues to "SHOO" him until finally the other ducks are like, hey this duck isn't in our flock anymore:
A summary of the conversation that occurs:

Hannah (looking Luke in the eyes): I have complete clarity and no regrets and no feelings for you
Luke: All I need for you to do is look me in the eyes and say you have complete clarity and no regrets and no feelings for me
Hannah: :/

He finally leaves when she repeats herself for the 89th time. I hope he kept the tags on that suit he bought from the Big & Tall store, thinking he'd grow into it. But with that, our Luke rash has finally cleared up!

His annoying presence is only replaced by Jed taking credit for his departure by saying "She heard me about him" as if Hannah needed Jed's big ass head to show her the way. If anything that giant noggin blocks the way.

And the actual episode ends with our final 3:

Herpes is with you for life
We spend approx 2/3 of the "Tell All" portion on Luke because the men have a lot to tell. Beginning with Luke, sans flesh-colored beard, who is here to clear some things up. And by "clear things up" I mean "muddle this sewage dump even more." Before we dive in, I want to point out that when he speaks, it looks like he's being dubbed over and the audio is slightly off. Like his mouth is moving when words aren't coming out. Because of this, I bet he tells people he's multilingual. He's also bad at forming sentences that make actual sense. Most of the time, it sounds like he's piecing together random nouns and verbs.

During his chat with Chris Harrison, he proves he's not obsessed with sex by using the words "mount" and "straddle" while describing Hannah's actions with some of the guys. Wow, I can't believe she didn't choose this Prince Charming.

A summary of his main points:

Luke: If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't change a thing. Also, I came onto this show on a rescue mission for Hannah.
Chris Harrison: Wait what

At one point, one of the dudes asks "Do you just want a woman you can put in a glass case to pull down when you want?" leading Luke to make this face while strongly considering the possibilities:
"Do they make glass cases big enough?" is what I assume he's mulling over because that is UNDOUBTEDLY what he wants. After 4 hours, he finally realizes, oh wait I should pretend to be a human man and says "No, I.....don't want that."

Speaking of the other guys, most of them are here to shit on Luke which sounds mean but is necessary and anyway here are my favorite insults:

"Your future wife is gonna be a prisoner" - Hot Mike
"I respect you for being here, but also fuck you" - Vocal Fry Connor

Continuing on the topic of the guys...

Who are most of these men
I hate these "Tell All" episodes because they bring back dudes we saw for 3 minutes in maybe 2 episodes. Like, those dodos have nothing to tell because they barely got to see the title sequence of the show.

Particularly this guy, WHO THE HELL IS THIS???
I have never seen that man in my life. I assume his name is Chad and he is a "club promoter."

We're gonna need a ladder
Because Garrett is high as hell. He looks like he smoked a shit ton of weed while in a sauna hanging upside down. That or he has a SEVERE case of pink eye in both eyes. Man, being a golf pro really is a dangerous sport.

Things I enjoy
Is Mike a 0.38mm tip pen because HE IS FINE AS HELL. He has nothing but sweet things to say about Hannah and while I would support him being the next Bachelor, I think we need to consider how many shirtless scenes we would get if he went to "Bachelor in Paradise" instead. Just something for us academics to consider when formulating opinions.

Things I kind of don't mind now
Even though he says things like "Shaka brah" while being excessively Caucasian, I find John Paul Jones pretty entertaining. If not just for the hair. Based on the montage of his moments on the show, he spent most of the time laughing, being loud and saying things like "YAS KWEEN" to accept a rose. Thus, I have concluded I would date him for 3 weeks in New York during the summer to have someone to go to music festivals with. He is for sure the guy your friends are like "Is he dumb?" but sweetly buys you all the PBR you want.

During his Barbara Walters time with Chris Harrison, a "random" (aka producer planted) audience member declares she is the biggest JPJ fan and asks to come onstage. There she reveals she has a pair of scissors which does not alarm ANYONE as much as it should especially considering this is the look she has in her eyes:
She asks to cut a piece of JPJ's hair (like he had Hannah do to show he cared) and he agrees and this is how a Lifetime movie begins.

"I want to apologize for keeping Luke around for so long"
During her time with Bird Harrison, Hannah looks directly into the camera like this is an episode of "The Office" to apologize to everyone for not seeking treatment for her Luke infection sooner.

Before that, she and Luke have a little back and forth and she explains how Fantasy Suites work because "Luke wouldn't know since he didn't get one" and y'all, I hollered. The carnage. She adds that she didn't go into last week thinking "Hmm, who am I going to have sex with in the Fantasy Suites?" Which, I mean, if she did, none of us would judge because that's just a girl trying to plan out her week and hydrate accordingly.

Have y'all ever had a bug in your house that you douse with bug killer spray? Even after it's clearly dead in a pool of spray, you keep going, just in case. Right, that's a pretty solid representation of what happened to Luke during this Tell All (he was the bug, obvi).

And that's it! See you all for the two-night finale next week! Will likely be a little late in posting, but that's only because I'll be hard at work tracking down Mike's exact location. Til then, find me refusing to pronounce gif as "jiff" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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