Thursday, August 1, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Finale)

This week's post is brought to you by Hannah making the face I made for 98% of this four hour finale:
It's time for two dudes to knowingly propose to the same woman! A very normal thing to happen!

At least we'll always have the windmill
Since Luke's idiocy took up all of last week, we still have 3 dudes left, which is exactly one Jed too many (I took pre-calc in college, so you can trust my analysis).
So we have two hot guys and Jed left and what does Hannah do? Her dumbass sends Peter the Pilot home! And y'all, their breakup actually affected me and if my tear ducts had the capacity to do it, I think I would've cried. You could tell he was genuinely in love with her. Before he leaves, he cries into her shoulder while she tries to pop his head off like a doll to keep forever.
They both then launch into ugly crying and that is how we REALLY know their feelings were real.
Peter is then forced to unpack the emotional damage caused by Hannah during the live portion of the episode, which is terrible, but also is he a parking ticket because all I see is FIIIIIIINE:
He asks her for clarity about when she realized he wasn't the one, because after windmill sex he was positive they were blowing in the right direction (I impress myself). She admits she always felt unsure of his feelings and wishes he would've shared he was falling in love with her sooner.

He also asks what she meant when she said their relationship was a "slow burn" and she says the physical part of their relationship was hot AF but the emotional part grew slowly. We wrap up Hannah and Peter's relationship with her admitting they didn't have sex in the windmill twice......they did it four times. To which his parents reacted as such:
Mama and papa so proud that their son can go the distance in the air and in windmills.

With Pilot Peter gone, we're down to the final two who get to meet Hannah's parents. To set the scene, all of the parental meetings happen in this house built in the middle of the elephant graveyard from The Lion King:

The pleasingly hot crowd pleaser
As a reminder, Tyler and his chiseled jaw can cut my life into pieces any day of the week and twice on Sunday. He meets Hannah's parents first and I could not stop staring at her dad's fresh straight perm:
Hannah's mom emphasizes that marriage is a "one and done" thing, which speaking of, I've got something Tyler can one and done. He says he loves Hannah and wants her to be his wife and he wants to be her best friend and biggest cheerleader AND YES I SWOONED. Hannah's mom stares at him with heart eyes wondering if he can propose to her instead of Hannah.
When Hannah chats with her dad, who must have a hair straightener sponsorship, she admits that initially, she wasn't sure if she was falling in lust or love with Tyler, but now knows she's falling in love. And honestly, I've fallen in lust with Tyler and don't see what the problem is.

Overall, her entire family absolutely loves Tyler, who sets the bar at levels that Jed's bigass head will never reach. Speaking of....

The nasaly big headed singer
Jed and his stuffy nose are next to meet the fam and he kicks off introductions by sharing something deeply personal and secretive: he's a singer. GASP. If you drank every time Jed sang on camera or mentioned being a singer, you would've died in episode 2. I'll let Hannah's dad's look of disappointment that this is the Milk Dud following the beef cake they met yesterday speak for all of us:
As a reminder, Hannah's parents are old school Southern people who think the husband should be able to provide for the wife, so they're especially concerned over Jed's earning potential. Her dad asks what his financial goals are and Jed says that he isn't "just a singer" and has "many facets of income." The translation of that is Jed is one of those guys who lists himself on dating apps as an "entrepreneur" and takes girls on dates to places that serve drinks in tiny plastic cups while bragging that he's "thinking" of starting a company. Anyway, Jed tries to convince Hannah's dad he has all of these possibilities and her dad is like:
Jed does mention the biggest thing he's proud of is landing a deal writing jingles for a dog food company. So I guess he's made it y'all, where is his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and do you think he'll get nominated for "Best Dog Food Jingle" at the Grammys?

When Hannah asks her dad how their chat went, he says Jed overexplained a lot while not actually answering any of his questions. And he doesn't want her to settle, and I'm not agreeing that choosing Jed is settling, but is this Plymouth Rock and are we in pilgrim attire because OH WAIT YES IT'S SETTLING.

Later, when Hannah asks her mom what she thought of Jed, she says: "He has....qualities" AND BRRR IT IS CHILLY IN ALL THIS SHADE.

Hannah is perplexed following her parents feedback and decides she needs to brood by the pool wearing all of the bracelets I got from Claire's in 2002:
She tells Jed that it was so easy with Tyler and went so well and he complains that her parents seem to be overly concerned with his financial situation, when like, he's clearly rolling in that dog jingle money.

Overall, the family does not like this "singer" and his oddly shaped head.

Final dates
For their last date, Hannah decides she and Tyler should go horseback riding and to that I say: I've got something Tyler can ride (I HAVE TO MAKE THESE JOKES, OKAY).
Later during the portion of the evening when the camera is 2 inches from their faces while they have deep conversation, she says she can see a future with him and he says he can't wait to have a life with her and raise kids. This man's words are just constantly smoother than butter, like give me some potatoes. They kiss and I love him but could only focus on this small stain because I guess he does have one flaw:
While distracting, the stain is irrelevant because I would make out with Tyler if he were just one giant stain.

For his final date with Hannah, Jed wears shorts for the first time in his life. They head out on a boat, which turns out to be pretty representative of what's to come in terms of their relationship. The ride is rocky and Hannah gets nauseous, both from the boat and because she can't stop thinking about her parents negative assessment of Jed.
She doesn't actually vomit, but makes vomit noises which might be worse. They then sit down and he continues to complain about her parents thinking less of him because he's a singer, because as he emphasizes, he knows how to "do more than music" (SPOILER ALERT: The "more" he can do is be an asshole). Hannah endures his nasaly voice and sips what I hope is a glass full of vodka because dear God this man is annoying:
He adds that he loves her and even if they met outside of the show, he would fall in love, something that is laughable because outside of the show, he already has a girlfriend (this will come up again, don't worry).

Before we jump into proposal day, here's a recap:
Tyler - hot, proportionally sized body, smooth voice, has a 401K, parents love him
Jed - mild, oddly shaped enormous head, deviated septum, has 401 pennies, parents hate him

Hannah is still unsure, so let's get to the proposal!
On the way to the Pier 1 set where all proposals happen, Hannah realizes she's super unsure about who she wants to choose. So naturally, she has the driver stop so she can fall down this random street while in a couture gown:
She keeps saying "I can't do this," so the producers prove to be extremely understanding by making her do this. And she makes her way to the Target home goods section.
I love how no matter what international location they're in for the proposal, the producers insist on making it look like they're in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Like, it's a literal pottery barn out there.

Tyler is up first, which precedent has taught us means he's about to be dumped. He's about halfway through his speech, sounding like Ryan Gosling telling Rachel McAdams he wants all of her everyday forever, when Hannah interrupts him because she can't bear to let him finish. After she stops him, he realizes this can't be good:
She tells him that he's amazing (duh) and she cares for him but she's in love with someone else. And as a collective race, we responded with:
Tyler handles the breakup pretty sweetly and simply tells her he hopes she has a beautiful life with Jed. She then walks him to his Uber, solidifying what is the stupidest decision I've ever seen since, well, the last season of The Bachelorette when Becca chose that racist ass Garrett. And then the season before that when Rachel chose hair plugs Bryan. Okay as it turns out there is a theme with the Bachelorettes.

So now it's Jed's turn and the first thing I want to point out is this gaudy ass ring he wears:
I bet he got that in a Hot Topic. Since it's proposal day, the focus should be on Hannah so Jed of course shows up with his guitar because he needs as much camera time as possible:
Bro, we do not wanna hear your dog jingle singing ass AGAIN. It's like he thinks we ordered an unlimited subscription to his voice when we in fact have asked to be removed from this mailing list for weeks.

So he sings some wackass song and proposes and she of course says yes.

When a shitty dude reveals himself to be shitty
We get this montage of clips of Hannah and Jed enjoying life as an engaged couple for approx 4 minutes before news from the real world surfaces. Apparently Jed's hair is big because it's full of secrets as he wasn't so forthcoming about his relationship status. A summary of their confrontation complemented by Hannah's reaction during the majority of it:
Hannah: You said you were just "hanging out" with a girl, but it's clear you were in a relationship
Jed: We didn't even hang out that much
Hannah: So y'all saw each other like once
Jed: Yeah. And then one more time after that. And then 400 times after that and we took an international trip together and she met my parents and I told her I loved her and we are each other's emergency contacts and we have our names tattooed on each other's lower backs and we are technically married in 15 countries. BUT THAT'S IT, I BARELY KNOW HER.
Hannah: Did you actually break up with her before you came on the show
Jed: Yes I did, but I said to to myself
Hannah: So you didn't tell her that you were breaking up with her
Jed: I told her telepathically and then really emphasized we were breaking up by sleeping with her the night before I came out here
Hannah: :/

As a cherry on top of this shit pie, Hannah shares that she knows he told people in Nashville that he "won." He begs for forgiveness, but she's at max capacity for the bullshit and finally takes off her ring and dumps his ass.

During the live portion, Hannah reaffirms that she and Jed are not together while wearing earrings that for some reason remind me of metal cheese graters:
Jed comes out and apologizes again and Hannah's like "new phone who dis" and can we please never see this man again.

When you gotta shoot your shot
The finale wraps with Tyler coming out looking hotter than the scalding middle part of a Hot Pocket and Hannah "sup u up's" him by pointing out that they're both single before asking him out for drinks.
He says he would love to, meaning this season ends with the Bachelorette landing.....a date. Screaming at the inefficiency and waste of a season.

And that's it! We made it through another trash fire! I predict Peter or Tyler will be the next Bachelor, but until then, we've got Bachelor in Paradise to shred our brain cells. See you next week for that! Til then, find me somehow managing to get barbecue sauce on my white shorts even when there is no barbecue sauce around and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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