Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 1)

How blessed are we to roll down this trash heap straight into Bachelor in Paradise! Not even a one week break! It's like getting over pink eye only to find we're covered in cold sores! Bless up.

In all honesty, BIP is the best of the three shows because it is messy beyond the help of Marie Kondo. So here we go!

The inaugural week's post is brought to you by the only time I've ever wanted to be a water bottle:
If you thought the suggestive remarks were going to stop with Tyler, ha, nevermind let's be real, none of you thought that. Let's get to this sweaty show!

Such beach couture, wow
Chris Harrison opens the show wearing a MOTHER FRACKING LONG SLEEVED FLANNEL SHIRT. WTF????? AND PANTS????? Ew, I don't even want to know how much his little bird body is sweating.

Things I do not understand
Almost all of the girls initially agree that Blake is the hot salsa at this taco bar and I have never been more confused. Though I mean, wow look at what he's giving us ladies:
Since Blake is the Pikachu everyone wants to choose, he gets the first date card. And despite coming in obsessed with Hannah G., he decides to ask Tayshia out instead. NOTE: Both of these women are out of his league and I will never understand the dynamic this show creates.

Anyway, they go on some dinner date in a random hotel lobby decorated with all of the old Christmas lights your neighbors leave up year-round. The night concludes with a make-out session in an arbitrarily placed hot tub because of the hot tub mandate:

This is why I don't go to Stagecoach
So apparently, if you go to this country music festival, you will sleep with Blake. Details of Blake's affairs begin to surface after his date with Tayshia and to summarize this modern day fairy tale:

This is Blake, aka the guy Bachelorette Becca dumped and left sweatily crying. He is the current "king of Paradise" (heavy emphasis on the quotation marks) who a bunch of the ladies are interested in. I mean, look at this face:
This is Caelynn, aka Miss North Carolina (even though she's from Virginia), who is one billion times better than Blake because BIIIITCH THOSE BROWS AND THAT HAIR, OKAY:
A couple months before Stagecoach, Blake and Caelynn were "talking" and Caelynn was under the impression they were exclusive. At Stagecoach, they slept together and the next morning, Blake sat on his phone next to her talking about how hot Tayshia was while DMing Hannah G. (aw you guys, and they say romance is dead). Caelynn says he also told her their hookup was a mistake and she couldn't tell anyone, so they could both still go on BIP because that is the be-all-end-all that rules their lives. This obviously upset Caelynn and she's here to air that dirty laundry out.

This is Kristina. I didn't watch, but she was on Nick Viall's Bachelor season and BIP two seasons ago where she was involved in a love triangle with Dean, aka quite possibly the dumbest man alive.
She and Blake dated around the end of 2018 (so leading up to the milestone for everything, Stagecoach) and shortly before the festival, they decided to become friends. With benefits. So at the festival, the day before Blake slept with Caelynn, he slept with Kristina.

Now that we've recapped that....

Gee, who will Kristina take on a date
Kristina is our new arrival this week, so she gets to pick any of the dudes to go on a date with. She ends up sweetly asking Blake and FYI he is under the impression they're on good terms and the closest of friends. For the first part of the date, they ride some sort of dune buggy and are acting all cute and hehehehehe, but then....
Kristina is like HAHA JK BITCH, I BROUGHT YOU HERE TO SHIT ON YOU. And proceeds to tell him how terrible of a man he is and how he led her on about their relationship status. Blake, who is definitely one of those guys who does one bicep curl at the gym then stares at himself in the mirror for 15 minutes, flips the table and says that HE is mad at HER. He says he's upset and does he think he's an extra on Law & Order because he's playing the victim MAJORLY. The conversation ends with Blake completely dismissing Kristina's point and swoon, what a prince.

Blake's repulsive tour continues 
After taking the L on the date with Kristina, Blake returns to the beach to have Caelynn pull him aside to chat. By this point, she has inefficiently told everyone about Blake's sordid Stagecoach past by spilling individual cups of tea to each person instead of telling the entire group at one time. She tells him that it really hurt her that he called their night "a mistake" and wanted to keep it a secret and he reacts as such:
He claims ignorance, thinking they were on good terms, which explains why he SPRINTED away and hid when she arrived. Totally makes sense. After she leaves, he realizes this beach is now a Blake Tea Garden and thus tries to decide which of his thumbs is longer:
He spends the next few interviews not really being remorseful about being a dingle berry, but worried about how this makes him look and how he'll appear onscreen. I hate this dude and his oddly short forehead. I JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE ATTRACTION TO HIM?? Like yes, he's tall. But he also has a thumb head. Like his neck is the same width as his head. And before you object, it's completely fine to body shame someone who is an absolute monster.

FURTHERMORE, in his intro bit, we find out he still uses an AUX cable in his car:
I'm sorry, but is it 2000 and is that cord plugged into his Walkman to play his latest mix CD of Nickelback and Simple Plan?

Anyway, here's him crying about how no one will want him while we all splash around giggling in his pool of his tears:
Okay, let's get to some non-Blake related things (for the most part).

Congrats on the steroids
Kevin, who had no speaking parts on the last season of The Bachelorette, shows up very VERY proud of his new bod.
He says he worked out 4-5 HOURS a day to get it and wtf man, just buy one of those shirts that has the muscles on it. I would question how he has 5 hours a day to workout, but I'm guessing he doesn't have a real job aside from promoting protein powder on Instagram.

Also his new bod is completely pointless because....

Because ABC recognizes its audience is mostly creeps like me who want to see Clay's Nutter Butter, we get this entire montage of him working out. Yes, I did scream. As did all of the ladies. Let me know who best depicts your reaction. I'm Nicole, literally having an out-of-body experience:
I don't know if you can tell, but I'm still obsessed with Clay. I actually thought him and Angela were an adorable (and wildly attractive) couple, so I was surprised when he was announced as a BIP cast member a few weeks ago. But, despite what Annaliese says, they broke up, BROKE UP, three months ago. THREE MONTHS. A QUARTER OF A YEAR. That's like 10 years in reality TV time.

So Clay is single as a Pringle and as the ACTUAL undisputed hot guy, gets a date card. He asks Nicole out and they go to a "local festival" that just happens to be going on. I'm not including photos because it's a CTRL C + CTRL V of every date on this show that concludes with them kissing under fireworks. BUT, because I am thorough, Clay doesn't order the foie gras and baguette with Nicole and avoids frenching her. Based on this, I have to assume he's waiting for me.

Who ordered the buzzkill
Annaliese, who cannot exist without crying every 45 seconds, spends 200% of her time this week telling any person or tree who will listen that Clay is a bad guy. Literally no one is asking yet she keeps barging into conversations with "MY BEST FRIEND ANGELA STILL LOVES HIM AND HE WAS STILL TALKING TO HER AND HE'S NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS." Girl, drink this slushee because you need to chill out. Also, it's season 5980 of this show, all of the reasons anyone is here are wrong.

To solidify her position as the beach hall monitor, she confronts Clay RIGHT BEFORE his date with Nicole, telling him she thinks it's terrible how he left things with Angela. This affects him in no way btw, as it shouldn't.

Demi comes through and says "It's weird that you confronted him 2 seconds before his date" and Annaliese is like "I didn't want to" and Demi's like:
Also, Demi is the most hilarious part of this season and I hope she sticks around the entire time.

Welcome to Hannah G.'s season of The Bachelorette
Hannah G., or well I guess she's the only Hannah now, proves to be a hot little Cheeto in Paradise as Dylan, Wills and Blake all go after her. Being that her favorite food is "charcuterie" (wtf), she decides to have a little charSMOOCHerie board this week (I wow myself).

I can't decide if it's cute or semi-creepy, but Dylan shows up already in love with Hannah. Like he clearly had MULTIPLE diary entries about her before coming on the show and has definitely sent her a Facebook relationship request. Hannah seems to like him, but I mean, when there's all this sausage left on the coot board, you gotta try!

So she chats a few times with Wills, who also arrived to Paradise already obsessed with Hannah (very normal). By the end of night 2, she lets him know that she's not interested and he thanks her for her honesty.

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, when we have already determined Blake is shitty, Hannah's like "IDK" and decides to see what's up. He claims he was most excited about meeting her and she makes out with him and the biggest takeaway from their interaction is THOSE HOOPS ARE SO CUTE!

When you make peace with the fact you're gonna have to make out with Cam to ensure you get a rose
Caelynn, whose time has been chipped away by the Blake-Stagecoach drama, realizes she hasn't connected with any of the dudes this week. So she sets her sights on Cam (who is still annoying AF). A real charitable act on her part and he is absolutely giving her a rose next week.

I take solace in the fact that her efforts are worth it since the previews show Mike eventually arriving and getting close with her. If I didn't know Mike was arriving, this is the pairing I would most want to see #Claylynn!

Who is this woman
Jane is allegedly from Colton's season but I have zero recollection of her. And I would've remembered someone who sounds like Sarah Silverman while looking like they used hair gel to splay their brows out. I doubt I'll form any new memories of her because she connects with no one this week, meaning she'll likely go home soon.

Oh wait, she does have a moment with John Paul Jones and by "moment" I mean she feeds him tacos leading him to vomit all over the beach. A real "how I met your mother" story.

We (all of Asia) are counting on you!
There have been exponentially more people named Luke on this show than Asian women, so Sydney making it to Paradise is a major Nguyen. As a reminder, she's a former Knicks' dancer and has long legs, which are two skills I've never been able to master.

I'm rooting for her and honestly, her chances of finding a good dude are already pretty great since she didn't hook up with Blake at Stagecoach, so. Make us proud, Syd!

Wait, Chris is only 32?
Chris, who I believe has just been living in the Bachelor production staff's trailer since the very first season, is back. And there is no scientific way this man is 32. He's at least 45. He's like that guy that graduated high school 15 years ago and is still trying to come to the party, but the thing is, the party is at his house because his kids are the teenagers throwing it.

Some lookalikes
I don't know what it is exactly, maybe their similar smile and shine factor, but Dylan is giving off major Zefron in High School Musical 1 vibes.
I didn't watch Derek's season, but this surely came up, right. Also, Derek shows real courage this season by showing up with GASP body hair. Like he's always wearing a chest hair bib. And I know it's the John Krasinski looks, but I would def let his beard cause a make-out rash on my face.

And that's it! I'm very excited for this to take up 4 hours of our lives every week for the next 6 weeks. See you next week when I'm sure the outdoor cushions will start to show wear and tear. Til then, find me eating Pringles in one bite because they are one-bite snacks, and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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