Thursday, March 14, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Finale Part 2)

We finally made it to the end! And honestly, Colton should revel in the fact that he produced the most boring, pointless season yet. Because here's the thing, this show is stupid 150% of the time. Arie's season was stupid because he looks like boiled chicken and dumped his fiancee on live TV — but it wasn't boring. And Becca's season was ridiculous because she picked a dude whose head might be full of shredded paper instead of a brain, but also not boring.

But damn, Colton's season has been like watching vanilla ice cream melt. Wildly boring, messy, pretty pointless and wait omg I'm lactose intolerant why am I even here.

Nonetheless, the second part of this term paper that has been made longer by changing the font size of the periods, is brought to you by this woman actively trying to escape this man:

Everything is fine
Okay so Cassie decided to keep giving this whole Colton thing a try, I'm assuming because she was bullied by a few of the producers. So what should Colton do with the woman who just told him 4 minutes ago that she was unsure of her feelings and wanted to break up? Have her meet his fam in an international location of course!

Ahead of meeting them, Cassie is nervous AF because she literally dumped then reconciled with him 30 seconds ago. She shares her nervousness by pretending to be a bull but her hand placement is a little off:
And as you can imagine, Colton's family is skeptical as hell as is most evident in the facial expressions of his mom and stepmom:
Lots of conversations happen and all I want to point out is this is what Colton's hair will look like in approx 10 years:
His dad asks him if he doesn't just want Cassie because she doesn't want him (LOLOL) and Colton is like "No dad that's not the only reason, she's also super hot." Ok jk, but that's the gist. Then his dad cries probably because he's flown a billion miles to Mallorca and has to waste several hours with this bullshit.

Cassie later tells Colton's dad that Colton has "always been a step ahead" of her and it is clearer than Gemma Chan's skin that she is trapped in this situation. Very bizarre.

The most ridiculous reason to rappel
The next day for their date, Colton picks up Cassie in a Jeep because there's nothing better than alternating between eating your own hair and having it slap you in the face repeatedly:
They drive to some cliffs where they find that their lunch and some dollar store cushions are waiting for them among a setting of fossilized dinosaurs:
Obviously the only way to get to their uncomfortable (both physically and mentally) lunch is to rappel. Colton does it in dress shoes and everything is stupid:
Once they reach the bottom, Cassie shows us this super cool scrunchie that is holding 4 of her hairs together:

Reminder that Colton is a teenage boy
Their charade continues at dinner, where Colton doesn't drink because he doesn't want any of the evening to go....limp. And we finally learn the super unique reason why Cassie is having trouble committing to Colton: She once had a boyfriend in college and they broke up. I KNOW YOU GUYS THIS IS EARTH SHATTERING I HOPE YOU WERE SITTING DOWN.

I want to point out that their day together is quite literally the first time we've seen Cassie and Colton exchange something more than spit. I bet 10 doll hairs Colton does not know how to spell her name.

They barely get a chance to ignore their plates of garnished fries and Play-Doh before Colton pulls out this hidden card inviting Cassie to the Fantasy Suite:
For this particular season, the word "fantasy" is a HUUUUUUGE oversell.

In the suite, they proceed to makeout and butt touch on this bed WHILE WEARING THEIR SHOES (wtf) before we get a series of shots insinuating things are going to happen. I'm not saying what things, but I'm sure it's the most magical 4 seconds of both of their lives.
The next day, they uncomfortably cuddle while trying not to spill the coffee on this breakfast tray. This particular moment caused me a lot of anxiety. WHY NOT JUST MOVE THE TRAY OFF THE BED??? AND WHY NOT EAT THOSE FLAKY ASS CROISSANTS???

Not showing a pic of ol' Ben Higgins because we do not need to see more of him. Does the show just keep him locked in a box in the back and drag him out to offer the most unsolicited commentary ever? He's like their resident expert in knowing nothing because HE HAS NOT FOUND LOVE ON THIS SHOW. It'd be like if I was resident expert for a library trying to figure out how to be the most quiet. VERY VERY UNQUALIFIED.

Anyway, he is joined by a few other bobos, including some of the ladies from this season and it's all just one audition for Bachelor in Paradise (which Demi is DEF heading to).

This feels very genuine, yes
During the live show, the new couple debuts their "relationship" that can only be described as about as serious as a high school summer fling. Cassie says they are "so in love," which blink 5 times if you're trapped girl.

We then have to watch a compilation of their coupley moments over the past few weeks and at some point, this includes watching them watch themselves watch a video of Cassie. It's the worst case of Inception I've ever witnessed and when will I wake up from this nightmare.
Then, for the 27th time this episode, Chris Harrison asks about Colton's virginity. Seriously. He repeats the line "But what about Colton's virginity?" as if it's the forgotten stepchild or something when NONE OF US CARE ABOUT HIS SQUIGGLY ASS VIRGINITY. Colton doesn't answer one way or another out of respect for Cassie and I'm shocked Chris Harrison didn't die from not knowing.

The couple is then surprised with a "legendary" band that no one on this planet has ever heard of comprised of a bunch of old dudes sporting "can I talk to your manager" white lady haircuts:
Everything then really soars down the pooper and gets fucking weird. Colton and Cassie just dance to what appears to be an "In Memoriam" montage of their relationship complemented by random clip art:
I have never wanted something to end so much. Oh wait.....

Who decided this
Miss Alabama, aka Hannah B., is named the next Bachelorette and Chris Harrison barely said "Han....." before I screamed and threw my TV out the window. Yes, she was semi-entertaining this season, but absolutely not entertaining enough to endure for an entire season of The Bachelorette.

And a note that if any southern lady deserved to be the Bachelorette IT WAS MOTHER FRACKING TIA. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS.

Hannah proceeds to be unable to piece together one coherent sentence. NOT ONE. She just says random nouns. Not a single verb. Sometimes not even real words, sometimes just "bleep" or "bloop." ENTHRALLING SEASON AHEAD!

As is tradition, Hannah then meets a few of the guys who'll be on her season. And based on the amazing sentence production and general speaking abilities she's given us thus far, it goes super well.

One of her suitors is this boy whose mom dropped him off. He def orders chicken nuggets from the kids menu and absolutely forged his mom's signature on the show's application:
After meeting four of these potatoes, Hannah decides to give a rose to one of them. And which one does she choose? Why this generic 45-year-old lookin' guy who RAPPED TO HER. HE RAPPED.
No words. This entire portion of the episode was about as enjoyable as drinking spoiled, chunky milk — terrible and far past it's expiration date.

Blair Waldorf did not leave the Upper East Side for this
Editor's note: The best part of this live finale is Leighton Meester's guest appearance. She was undoubtedly forced to do this to promote her ABC show.

The upside is we're done with dragged out boring season! Based on my scientific research, Colton and Cassie have a 10000000000% chance of breaking up after they do all of the PR for the finale.

And because I am upset over Hannah being named Bachelorette over me, I will boycott by only watching every single episode of her season. THAT'S IT. See y'all May 13 for it! Til then, find me carb loading "just in case" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

1 comment:

  1. Super late on commenting b/c I was delayed from all my travels:
    -The do not disturb sign says no molestar LOL
    -Ben is the most popular Bachelor since Sean Lowe. I think he sealed his place in everyone's heart after crying during Bachelor Winter Games. Still reminds me of Peter Brady.
    -Also not thrilled that Hannah B is the next Bachelorette, and the early start proves how awkward it may be. But as you say, I will go down with this sinking ship.
    -I completely missed Leighton in the crowd!!