Let's chat about The Bachelor (Finale Part 2)

We finally made it to the end! And honestly, Colton should revel in the fact that he produced the most boring, pointless season yet. Because here's the thing, this show is stupid 150% of the time. Arie's season was stupid because he looks like boiled chicken and dumped his fiancee on live TV — but it wasn't boring. And Becca's season was ridiculous because she picked a dude whose head might be full of shredded paper instead of a brain, but also not boring.

But damn, Colton's season has been like watching vanilla ice cream melt. Wildly boring, messy, pretty pointless and wait omg I'm lactose intolerant why am I even here.

Nonetheless, the second part of this term paper that has been made longer by changing the font size of the periods, is brought to you by this woman actively trying to escape this man:

Everything is fine
Okay so Cassie decided to keep giving this whole Colton thing a try, I'm assuming because she was bullied by a few of the producers. So what should Colton do with the woman who just told him 4 minutes ago that she was unsure of her feelings and wanted to break up? Have her meet his fam in an international location of course!

Ahead of meeting them, Cassie is nervous AF because she literally dumped then reconciled with him 30 seconds ago. She shares her nervousness by pretending to be a bull but her hand placement is a little off:

And as you can imagine, Colton's family is skeptical as hell as is most evident in the facial expressions of his mom and stepmom:

Lots of conversations happen and all I want to point out is this is what Colton's hair will look like in approx 10 years:

His dad asks him if he doesn't just want Cassie because she doesn't want him (LOLOL) and Colton is like "No dad that's not the only reason, she's also super hot." Ok jk, but that's the gist. Then his dad cries probably because he's flown a billion miles to Mallorca and has to waste several hours with this bullshit.

Cassie later tells Colton's dad that Colton has "always been a step ahead" of her and it is clearer than Gemma Chan's skin that she is trapped in this situation. Very bizarre.

The most ridiculous reason to rappel
The next day for their date, Colton picks up Cassie in a Jeep because there's nothing better than alternating between eating your own hair and having it slap you in the face repeatedly:
They drive to some cliffs where they find that their lunch and some dollar store cushions are waiting for them among a setting of fossilized dinosaurs:

Obviously the only way to get to their uncomfortable (both physically and mentally) lunch is to rappel. Colton does it in dress shoes and everything is stupid:

Once they reach the bottom, Cassie shows us this super cool scrunchie that is holding 4 of her hairs together:

Reminder that Colton is a teenage boy
Their charade continues at dinner, where Colton doesn't drink because he doesn't want any of the evening to go....limp. And we finally learn the super unique reason why Cassie is having trouble committing to Colton: She once had a boyfriend in college and they broke up. I KNOW YOU GUYS THIS IS EARTH SHATTERING I HOPE YOU WERE SITTING DOWN.

I want to point out that their day together is quite literally the first time we've seen Cassie and Colton exchange something more than spit. I bet 10 doll hairs Colton does not know how to spell her name.

They barely get a chance to ignore their plates of garnished fries and Play-Doh before Colton pulls out this hidden card inviting Cassie to the Fantasy Suite:

For this particular season, the word "fantasy" is a HUUUUUUGE oversell.

In the suite, they proceed to makeout and butt touch on this bed WHILE WEARING THEIR SHOES (wtf) before we get a series of shots insinuating things are going to happen. I'm not saying what things, but I'm sure it's the most magical 4 seconds of both of their lives.

The next day, they uncomfortably cuddle while trying not to spill the coffee on this breakfast tray. This particular moment caused me a lot of anxiety. WHY NOT JUST MOVE THE TRAY OFF THE BED??? AND WHY NOT EAT THOSE FLAKY ASS CROISSANTS???

HOW MANY TIMES THIS SEASON WILL WE SEE BEN
Not showing a pic of ol' Ben Higgins because we do not need to see more of him. Does the show just keep him locked in a box in the back and drag him out to offer the most unsolicited commentary ever? He's like their resident expert in knowing nothing because HE HAS NOT FOUND LOVE ON THIS SHOW. It'd be like if I was resident expert for a library trying to figure out how to be the most quiet. VERY VERY UNQUALIFIED.

Anyway, he is joined by a few other bobos, including some of the ladies from this season and it's all just one audition for Bachelor in Paradise (which Demi is DEF heading to).

This feels very genuine, yes
During the live show, the new couple debuts their "relationship" that can only be described as about as serious as a high school summer fling. Cassie says they are "so in love," which blink 5 times if you're trapped girl.

We then have to watch a compilation of their coupley moments over the past few weeks and at some point, this includes watching them watch themselves watch a video of Cassie. It's the worst case of Inception I've ever witnessed and when will I wake up from this nightmare.

Then, for the 27th time this episode, Chris Harrison asks about Colton's virginity. Seriously. He repeats the line "But what about Colton's virginity?" as if it's the forgotten stepchild or something when NONE OF US CARE ABOUT HIS SQUIGGLY ASS VIRGINITY. Colton doesn't answer one way or another out of respect for Cassie and I'm shocked Chris Harrison didn't die from not knowing.

The couple is then surprised with a "legendary" band that no one on this planet has ever heard of comprised of a bunch of old dudes sporting "can I talk to your manager" white lady haircuts:

Everything then really soars down the pooper and gets fucking weird. Colton and Cassie just dance to what appears to be an "In Memoriam" montage of their relationship complemented by random clip art:

I have never wanted something to end so much. Oh wait.....

Who decided this

Miss Alabama, aka Hannah B., is named the next Bachelorette and Chris Harrison barely said "Han....." before I screamed and threw my TV out the window. Yes, she was semi-entertaining this season, but absolutely not entertaining enough to endure for an entire season of The Bachelorette.

And a note that if any southern lady deserved to be the Bachelorette IT WAS MOTHER FRACKING TIA. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS.

Hannah proceeds to be unable to piece together one coherent sentence. NOT ONE. She just says random nouns. Not a single verb. Sometimes not even real words, sometimes just "bleep" or "bloop." ENTHRALLING SEASON AHEAD!

As is tradition, Hannah then meets a few of the guys who'll be on her season. And based on the amazing sentence production and general speaking abilities she's given us thus far, it goes super well.

One of her suitors is this boy whose mom dropped him off. He def orders chicken nuggets from the kids menu and absolutely forged his mom's signature on the show's application:

After meeting four of these potatoes, Hannah decides to give a rose to one of them. And which one does she choose? Why this generic 45-year-old lookin' guy who RAPPED TO HER. HE RAPPED.

No words. This entire portion of the episode was about as enjoyable as drinking spoiled, chunky milk — terrible and far past it's expiration date.

Blair Waldorf did not leave the Upper East Side for this

Editor's note: The best part of this live finale is Leighton Meester's guest appearance. She was undoubtedly forced to do this to promote her ABC show.

The upside is we're done with dragged out boring season! Based on my scientific research, Colton and Cassie have a 10000000000% chance of breaking up after they do all of the PR for the finale.

And because I am upset over Hannah being named Bachelorette over me, I will boycott by only watching every single episode of her season. THAT'S IT. See y'all May 13 for it! Til then, find me carb loading "just in case" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Finale Part 1)

So sorry for missing last week! But 8 weeks of this show whittled my brain down to the last two raisins so I needed some time to recoup ahead of this week's "MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVER."

Part 1 of this finale that did not need 2 parts is brought to you by Colton ugly crying:

I mean hubba hubba, talk about hot.

On this episode of "The O.C."
To recap, last week Cassie told Colton she "loved him" but wasn't "in love" with him, which is the textbook way women have been dumping bogus dudes for CENTURIES. He of course responded by professing his love, saying he wanted to be with her and blah blah. This would be like if Michael B. Jordan told me to stop "breaking into his home" and I was like "But I love you, so it's okay we can move past this."

There's also a whole thing with Cassie's dad who has reservations about everything, but I find her dad sort of creepy, so I'm glazing over it. He looks like someone you'd see on one of those sugar daddy/sugar baby dating apps (that I've never heard of or seen but if I have IT'S BECAUSE I GOT BILLS).

After Cassie's like byeeeee Colton is vv sad and decides the best way to deal is to hop a fence that could easily just be opened. Here is Chris Harrison walking through the gate that is doing what gates do best: Opening.

The production crew sets out to find Colton and this is filmed all shakily like "The Blair Witch Project" as they try to convince us that he went super far. They eventually find him wandering along the road that is likely right outside of where filming is happening and Colton is ready to deliver the angst.

The producers try to stop him from wandering into the street where you know, these things called cars are. And he's like NO COLTON MAD. ME COLTON. ME MAD.

And then all of this angst exhausts him, so he takes a nap.

He awakens to let Chris Harrison know he's done with the whole show. And tbh, had the show just wrapped there, we all would've been okay with it.

"What if she's just not that into you?"

The next day, Chris Harrison (I think it's mandatory to use his first and last name when referring to him) heads to Colton's room for an Oprah chat. Colton tells him that he was falling in love with Tayshia and Hannah G. but he was in love with Cassie. And he thinks Cassie didn't reciprocate because of Tayshia and Hannah being there to which Chris Harrison says "What if she's just not that into you?" and with that, all women across the globe stood up and clapped because CORRECT.

Just a reminder that Colton keeps reiterating that he wants someone to love him and like, okay literally 40 women on the show did, but you chose the one woman who doesn't. WHO IS THE PROBLEM HERE.

He then decides he needs to dump Tayshia and Hannah because he'd rather dedicate his time to someone who is not interested in him.

Breakup #1

Tayshia is completely surprised by Colton showing up at her door, as is evident in the fact that she has full makeup and hair and is in a cute outfit. For reference, this is what I would look like if someone surprised me in the morning:

Pure, unfiltered, all natural beauty.

So Colton gets on his bullshit and tells Tayshia this is over because he's in love with someone who isn't in love with him. And this is the face of a woman realizing she wasted weeks of lashes, brows and flawless skin on an expired cup of vanilla pudding:

She then decides they need some time to talk away from the cameras and pays homage to our main girl Kirpa by staring directly into the camera as if she just now realized they're being filmed:

So they go behind closed doors as if this offers any sort of privacy since THEY'RE BOTH STILL WEARING MICS. And this entire trash fire worsens as SHE has to comfort HIM. AFTER HE DUMPED HER.

This would be like if I broke your arm on purpose then immediately burst into tears and made you comfort me with your broken arm.

After this ridiculous breakup, we cut to the live portion of the episode where Tayshia has been forced to watch the breakup again because this show lives to torture.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HER LOOK??? GIRL. YES. This is how you show up for live TV after getting dumped by a piece of congealed deli meat. She says she has no hard feelings and that dating Colton made her "look forward to a really exciting relationship" because this has undoubtedly been the most time consuming yet boring relationship of her life.

She shares that last part with Colton in person, but I wanted to dedicate a whole section to his appearance on the live portion because...

When someone gifts you a hair straightener

What in the actual hell is this. He looks like he watched some old 90s TV shows about surfers in California and realized "OHH THIS IS WHAT CASSIE LIKES." Looking like a crazy ass cockatoo.

Breakup #2

Ahead of Colton surprising Hannah with a breakup, we find her finishing up some homework because junior year of high school is hard!

I'm kidding, she's writing in her journal, I think. Though, who the hell journals while wearing jeans and sitting on a hard ass couch? I can think of exactly zero times I've been home (or in a hotel room) at night and thought "Omg, I should keep my jeans on."

So Colton shows up and they sit on the world's tiniest couch in front of a champagne bottle wearing a scarf:

Unless this was supposed to be Hannah's meal (the ol' bottle of champagne + a banana and green apple and bruised pear dinner), did the producers just rush into the scene and randomly set this up. WITH ONE SAD GLASS? The foreshadowing of this show is incredible.

Like a mama bird, Colton regurgitates his breakup speech to little baby bird Hannah. And she responds by first trying to rub off her eyebrows:

Then she shows Colton her hand like she's gonna do that magic trick where you make your thumb look like its disconnected:

And Colton is like "Hey look I can make a heart with my hands. Oh btw this heart belongs only to Cassie":

And then they take a weird nap together:

I gotta tell you, I have seen up Colton's nose more than I've seen up my own nose and I don't like it.

After the breakup, Hannah proceeds to pack her stuff, which includes a stuffed bear, a jean jacket and what appears to be an order of ribs:

Only the essentials, I get it.

"Nobody wants to rewatch this"
YES HANNAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. ALSO NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH THIS THE FIRST TIME. But if it wasn't for the live portion, Hannah wouldn't get to show off this great spray tan:

I'm not being sarcastic, it's a pretty great tan. Hannah proceeds to be a little harsher on Colton (as she should be) because he repeatedly told her she was the one (which wtf). So she was completely confused by the breakup. And she can barely look at Colton during this entire exchange not because she's hurt, but I'm pretty sure because of his stupid bird wings haircut.

Colton tells Hannah that he didn't want to beat around the bush, except he beat that bush (omg HAHA I'll let you make your own joke about that) for AN ENTIRE SEASON. Because he absolutely knew he wanted to pick Cassie a few weeks ago, but still led Hannah and Tayshia on.

Bushes aside, Hannah's facial expression while Colton is talking is probably the best thing she's done this entire season:

She also calls this "the ultimate rejection," which is untrue. The ultimate rejection is when you get to Chick-fil-A at 10:32 a.m. and try to order a chicken biscuit and they tell you they stopped serving breakfast at 10:30.

If you're a sexist, racist idiot pop open your buttons:

Following Colton's decision to dump the two women who were in love with him the most, ABC brings together a panel of the men most unqualified to be offering advice. This includes Blake, who sweatily bawled his eyes out after being dumped by Becca; Ben, who has been on The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise 150 times and still not found love; Jason, the finance bro who Becca also dumped; and fracking Garrett, the idiot who Becca is engaged to. I'm not re-hashbrowning his dumb social media past, but essentially he's a special breed of Ignoramus Rex.

This group of unsharpened pencils offers insight that literally none of us asked for, reminding us that the men associated with this show must all share one brain. Like they have to pass it around. How tough do you think that is when Chris Harrison is hogging it most of the time.

Of course Cassie hasn't left yet

How long does it take to pack one sweater and a belt? A couple days it seems as Cassie IS STILL HERE. Despite the fact that Tayshia and Hannah were sent packing before Colton had even finished saying "I JUST LOVE CASSIE SOOOOOOOO MUCH."

So while Cassie is in the process of breaking the world record for slowest packer, Colton decides he needs to see her because he's "willing to do any and everything" to get her back.

But first, a nap:

Meaning we're so lucky and get to see the dramatic conclusion to this amazing season tonight! And by "dramatic" I mean DUMB AS HELL and by "amazing" I mean BORING AS FUCK.

See you tonight! Til then, find me complaining of heartburn after eating Costco-sized bags of Hot Cheetos and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). 

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by my realization that Colton is def gonna lose his hair in about 6-8 years.

That hairline is just gonna TLC "Creep" its way on back if it doesn't thin out like cotton candy first.

We made it to hometown dates! Where we get to experience the antiquated tradition of Colton asking each of the ladies' dads for "permission" to marry them as if some sort of dowry is being exchanged. This is a crazy idea, but um, why doesn't he ask BOTH parents? I KNOW. A novel concept.

Anyway, let's get on with this auction.

Virginia with Caelynn

Since Caelynn is Miss North Carolina, we are in her hometown of Fredericksburg, Virginia. Duh. She shows Colton around in a horse drawn carriage and they take in such sites as this creepy van:

They stop for ice cream at her favorite spot and she says the best part is that the ice cream smells really good. What poo ice cream has she been eating that doesn't smell good? Luckily, we are blessed enough to get to see Colton eating ice cream the same way he kisses:

Wow, hot. During a deeper-than-expected conversation ahead of meeting her family, we learn that Caelynn's biological dad is not a part of her life and she considers her stepdad her dad. Which wait what. Is this a normal thing to be hearing for the first time before meeting your girlfriend's parents? This hasn't come up before? I am shocked considering how deep all of the conversations on this show are.

They arrive to the family barbecue and proceed to ignore everyone and stare at this basket of fried things.

The break-off sessions for family chats then go down. Caelynn's mom and sister voice their concerns and her stepdad-dad tells her "Sounds like he could just be a friend" which might be the best line this season. Caelynn reassures him that their relationship is real and she thinks this could end with the greatest love story ever or in heartbreak, which is inaccurate because there is a third option: this could also end with all of the women quitting the show after realizing Colton is less exciting than a loaf of stale bread. THERE'S ALWAYS A THIRD OPTION.

Caelynn's stepdad-dad gives his "permission" for Colton to propose after Colton makes a stellar case for it by being like "Not sure if I want to, but just in case, is it cool if I do. K cool."

They then stand at the top of the stairs watching a projection of home movies, which, okay sure this seems like the regular location for that to occur.

They end the night sitting on a dark ass bench in front of her house. Caelynn says she's "fully" in love with Colton and he says he's falling in love with her (This is a line we will hear 3 more times this episode).

Alabama with Hannah

Next we head to Hannah's hometown of Birmingham because it was a prerequisite for all Hannahs this season to be from Alabama. And what's stupid is that Hannah G. doesn't even have an accent, which is one of the biggest benefits of living in the South. Biscuits is the other.

I have no idea what time of year it is, I guess Augbruary based on the fact that Hannah is topless and Colton is in a winter Gap ad.

Hannah says she's going to show Colton what the South is all about so they head to an etiquette class. (FYI: What the South is actually about: Biscuits, Basketball, Barbecue, Bojangles and bJesus)

They go through an etiquette class where this lady teaches them how to eat bread, explaining that you tear off one piece at a time and butter each individual piece:

This is the stupidest way to eat bread, in case anyone is wondering. There is no way even rich white people do this shit. TEAR ONE PIECE OFF AND BUTTER EACH PIECE? Aside from how time consuming that is, HOW MUCH FUCKING BUTTER DO YOU END UP EATING? The whole point of bread is to see how fast you can put the entire thing in your mouth.

Later when Hannah brings Colton to her family's house, they mistakenly think they're guests on Oprah's Favorite Things episode:

Hannah's mom has her reservations but Hannah so eloquently shares "But Mom, like, he, like, makes me happy, like I feel safe and like, like, he accepts me, like, for me, like." And Hannah's mom is so moved by that Gettysburg Address that she says she's happy for them.

Meanwhile, Colton talks with Hannah's dad, letting him know that he has been drawn to Hannah since the beginning because she "reminds him of home," which I now realize means she reminds him of his mirror at home because THEY LOOK LIKE THEY COULD BE SIBLINGS. Colton then asks Hannah's dad if it's cool to propose, maybe, and her dad gives his blessing.

Colton and Hannah then sit on what might be the same bench from Caelynn's house and both say they're falling in love and blah blah I am falling in and out of consciousness because this is boring as hell.

Orange County with Tayshia
Tayshia welcomes Colton to Orange County by blindfolding him for the Bird Box challenge:

She surprises him with skydiving because she would rather jump out of a plane than have an actual conversation with him.

Colton is scared shitless but maintains his sex appeal:

This photo made my ovaries pack up their bags and evict themselves. Look at those T-Rex hands! While Tayshia is just chillin in the back. What a man.

After surviving falling out of a plane, they head to this totally unstaged outdoor patio setup in a hangar like this is a love scene out of "Pearl Harbor" (omg remember the Kate Beckinsale/Josh Hartnett scene, this is nothing like that).

Tayshia tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he tells her he's known he was falling for her since their brussels sprouts fart date in Denver. We are then subjected to this:

THAT'S HIS LIL' TONGUE. Colton kisses like a middle school boy who thinks stabbing his tongue into a girl's mouth is expert-level.

Later Tayshia brings Colton to meet her family and we learn that her brother must be at least 6'4", right? And before anyone chastises me, he tells Colton he's in federal law enforcement so he must be at least 18 right? Okay until that's verified, I'm not saying if I am or am not attracted to him:

Also dying at how he's looking right into the camera. And again, not confirming whether or not I want to date him, but he actually eats the set food!

I hope by "federal law enforcement" he means he's in training for like, the actual FBI. And he isn't just president of the federal law enforcement appreciation club at school.

In getting to the real reason for this visit, Colton chats with Tayshia's dad, who we learn is the MVP of this shitty episode. He outright asks Colton how he can be in love with four women at once, WHICH DEAR GOD FINALLY. Colton responds with "Yeah but like, can I marry Tayshia maybe if I decide I love her more?" To which, I'll let this shot of Tayshia's little brother speak for all of us:

Tayshia's dad is skeptical as hell and can't give Colton "permission" because they literally just met (wow how sensible). So they go back inside and Colton is shook because it's the year 1900 and legally you cannot marry a woman if her dad does not give you permission, so what is he going to do?

Tayshia ends up convincing her dad that Colton is the one and blah blah, by the end he gives Colton his blessing. And Colton and Tayshia leave and instead of making out on Caelynn and Hannah's bench, they make out under a tree next to Colton's Uber. Romance.

Huntington Beach with Cassie
Cassie welcomes Colton to the set of The O.C. and says she's going to teach him how to surf. Now, I'm not Kate Bosworth in Blue Crush, but I think to surf you actually have to use the boards, not just make-out near them. I think.

They actually do end up getting in the water and if you thought Colton was hot jumping out of a plane with T-Rex arms and a harness thong, he's 10x more hot flopping around on a surfboard. Looking like Bigfoot spotted in the wild.

After Cassie is officially turned on by his pure athleticism, they take a break to chat. Colton attempts to find out exactly how Cassie feels about him (aka he wants her to tell him she's falling in love) but she completely skirts the topic.

They then head to her house to meet her dad and literal clones of Cassie, aka her mom and sisters.

Cassie's dad is approximately 10000x more skeptical of Colton than Tayshia's dad was. Cassie tries to reassure him by being like "OMG DADDY, JUST LET ME DO WHAT I WANT" which is super convincing. We also learn that Cassie is unsure if she's ready to get married — she knows she's ready for a serious relationship on the way to marriage, but maybe not marriage just yet.

Colton then chats with Cassie's dad who makes this facial expression the entire time, so you can guess what direction the conversation heads.

He obviously doesn't give Colton permission. And to top things off, Cassie doesn't tell Colton she's falling in love with him. Rather, she says she's "100% confident and excited to see where everything can go," which is peak "I like you as a friend" territory.

So for those keeping score:
Caelynn - said she's in love & her dad signed the permission slip

Hannah - said she was falling in love & her dad signed the permission slip

Tayshia - said she was falling in love & her dad signed the permission slip
Cassie - said she's looking forward to the final season of Game of Thrones & her dad shredded the permission slip

In remembering that Colton said he doesn't want to risk picking women who are unsure, it seems pretty clear which 3 women he'll pick right?

FUCKING WRONG. HE SENDS CAELYNN HOME.

I don't know who's more shocked — Caelynn or Cassie, who can't believe she scammed her way into the final 3.

Colton leads Caelynn to yet another bench (there must've been a BOGO sale on benches) where we assume he's going to fully dive into why he made the decision that he did. And she's crying and asking why AND HE LITERALLY SAYS NO WORDS.

Instead of comforting her or offering ANY level of closure, he proceeds to give her a raspberry on her head instead of her belly, while actively messing up her hair.

Caelynn then leaves and Colton stress poops.

While Caelynn's Uber drives away, she cries but also delivers some great sound bites that would fit perfectly into promos for the next season of The Bachelorette ("I thought this would be it. I don't know what's next for me now..."). So I mean, do the right thing ABC.

I want to wrap this up by saying YOOO F COLTON THOUGH. I've made some calls to ensure he is banned from North Carolina and is not allowed to eat biscuits ever in any location ever.

And that's it! I'm not exaggerating this time when I say there is a 66% chance Colton chooses a blonde in the end. See you all next week when the fence jumping scene that has been touted for 15 years will finally happen (allegedly).

Til then, find me using Google Street View to find Michael B. Jordan's house and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).