Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by my realization that Colton is def gonna lose his hair in about 6-8 years.
That hairline is just gonna TLC "Creep" its way on back if it doesn't thin out like cotton candy first.

We made it to hometown dates! Where we get to experience the antiquated tradition of Colton asking each of the ladies' dads for "permission" to marry them as if some sort of dowry is being exchanged. This is a crazy idea, but um, why doesn't he ask BOTH parents? I KNOW. A novel concept.

Anyway, let's get on with this auction.

Virginia with Caelynn
Since Caelynn is Miss North Carolina, we are in her hometown of Fredericksburg, Virginia. Duh. She shows Colton around in a horse drawn carriage and they take in such sites as this creepy van:
They stop for ice cream at her favorite spot and she says the best part is that the ice cream smells really good. What poo ice cream has she been eating that doesn't smell good? Luckily, we are blessed enough to get to see Colton eating ice cream the same way he kisses:
Wow, hot. During a deeper-than-expected conversation ahead of meeting her family, we learn that Caelynn's biological dad is not a part of her life and she considers her stepdad her dad. Which wait what. Is this a normal thing to be hearing for the first time before meeting your girlfriend's parents? This hasn't come up before? I am shocked considering how deep all of the conversations on this show are.

They arrive to the family barbecue and proceed to ignore everyone and stare at this basket of fried things.
The break-off sessions for family chats then go down. Caelynn's mom and sister voice their concerns and her stepdad-dad tells her "Sounds like he could just be a friend" which might be the best line this season. Caelynn reassures him that their relationship is real and she thinks this could end with the greatest love story ever or in heartbreak, which is inaccurate because there is a third option: this could also end with all of the women quitting the show after realizing Colton is less exciting than a loaf of stale bread. THERE'S ALWAYS A THIRD OPTION.

Caelynn's stepdad-dad gives his "permission" for Colton to propose after Colton makes a stellar case for it by being like "Not sure if I want to, but just in case, is it cool if I do. K cool."

They then stand at the top of the stairs watching a projection of home movies, which, okay sure this seems like the regular location for that to occur.
They end the night sitting on a dark ass bench in front of her house. Caelynn says she's "fully" in love with Colton and he says he's falling in love with her (This is a line we will hear 3 more times this episode).

Alabama with Hannah
Next we head to Hannah's hometown of Birmingham because it was a prerequisite for all Hannahs this season to be from Alabama. And what's stupid is that Hannah G. doesn't even have an accent, which is one of the biggest benefits of living in the South. Biscuits is the other.

I have no idea what time of year it is, I guess Augbruary based on the fact that Hannah is topless and Colton is in a winter Gap ad.
Hannah says she's going to show Colton what the South is all about so they head to an etiquette class. (FYI: What the South is actually about: Biscuits, Basketball, Barbecue, Bojangles and bJesus)

They go through an etiquette class where this lady teaches them how to eat bread, explaining that you tear off one piece at a time and butter each individual piece:
This is the stupidest way to eat bread, in case anyone is wondering. There is no way even rich white people do this shit. TEAR ONE PIECE OFF AND BUTTER EACH PIECE? Aside from how time consuming that is, HOW MUCH FUCKING BUTTER DO YOU END UP EATING? The whole point of bread is to see how fast you can put the entire thing in your mouth.

Later when Hannah brings Colton to her family's house, they mistakenly think they're guests on Oprah's Favorite Things episode:
Hannah's mom has her reservations but Hannah so eloquently shares "But Mom, like, he, like, makes me happy, like I feel safe and like, like, he accepts me, like, for me, like." And Hannah's mom is so moved by that Gettysburg Address that she says she's happy for them.

Meanwhile, Colton talks with Hannah's dad, letting him know that he has been drawn to Hannah since the beginning because she "reminds him of home," which I now realize means she reminds him of his mirror at home because THEY LOOK LIKE THEY COULD BE SIBLINGS. Colton then asks Hannah's dad if it's cool to propose, maybe, and her dad gives his blessing.

Colton and Hannah then sit on what might be the same bench from Caelynn's house and both say they're falling in love and blah blah I am falling in and out of consciousness because this is boring as hell.

Orange County with Tayshia
Tayshia welcomes Colton to Orange County by blindfolding him for the Bird Box challenge:
She surprises him with skydiving because she would rather jump out of a plane than have an actual conversation with him.

Colton is scared shitless but maintains his sex appeal:
This photo made my ovaries pack up their bags and evict themselves. Look at those T-Rex hands! While Tayshia is just chillin in the back. What a man.

After surviving falling out of a plane, they head to this totally unstaged outdoor patio setup in a hangar like this is a love scene out of "Pearl Harbor" (omg remember the Kate Beckinsale/Josh Hartnett scene, this is nothing like that).
Tayshia tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he tells her he's known he was falling for her since their brussels sprouts fart date in Denver. We are then subjected to this:
THAT'S HIS LIL' TONGUE. Colton kisses like a middle school boy who thinks stabbing his tongue into a girl's mouth is expert-level.

Later Tayshia brings Colton to meet her family and we learn that her brother must be at least 6'4", right? And before anyone chastises me, he tells Colton he's in federal law enforcement so he must be at least 18 right? Okay until that's verified, I'm not saying if I am or am not attracted to him:
Also dying at how he's looking right into the camera. And again, not confirming whether or not I want to date him, but he actually eats the set food!
I hope by "federal law enforcement" he means he's in training for like, the actual FBI. And he isn't just president of the federal law enforcement appreciation club at school.

In getting to the real reason for this visit, Colton chats with Tayshia's dad, who we learn is the MVP of this shitty episode. He outright asks Colton how he can be in love with four women at once, WHICH DEAR GOD FINALLY. Colton responds with "Yeah but like, can I marry Tayshia maybe if I decide I love her more?" To which, I'll let this shot of Tayshia's little brother speak for all of us:

Tayshia's dad is skeptical as hell and can't give Colton "permission" because they literally just met (wow how sensible). So they go back inside and Colton is shook because it's the year 1900 and legally you cannot marry a woman if her dad does not give you permission, so what is he going to do?

Tayshia ends up convincing her dad that Colton is the one and blah blah, by the end he gives Colton his blessing. And Colton and Tayshia leave and instead of making out on Caelynn and Hannah's bench, they make out under a tree next to Colton's Uber. Romance.

Huntington Beach with Cassie
Cassie welcomes Colton to the set of The O.C. and says she's going to teach him how to surf. Now, I'm not Kate Bosworth in Blue Crush, but I think to surf you actually have to use the boards, not just make-out near them. I think.
They actually do end up getting in the water and if you thought Colton was hot jumping out of a plane with T-Rex arms and a harness thong, he's 10x more hot flopping around on a surfboard. Looking like Bigfoot spotted in the wild.
After Cassie is officially turned on by his pure athleticism, they take a break to chat. Colton attempts to find out exactly how Cassie feels about him (aka he wants her to tell him she's falling in love) but she completely skirts the topic.

They then head to her house to meet her dad and literal clones of Cassie, aka her mom and sisters.
Cassie's dad is approximately 10000x more skeptical of Colton than Tayshia's dad was. Cassie tries to reassure him by being like "OMG DADDY, JUST LET ME DO WHAT I WANT" which is super convincing. We also learn that Cassie is unsure if she's ready to get married — she knows she's ready for a serious relationship on the way to marriage, but maybe not marriage just yet.

Colton then chats with Cassie's dad who makes this facial expression the entire time, so you can guess what direction the conversation heads.
He obviously doesn't give Colton permission. And to top things off, Cassie doesn't tell Colton she's falling in love with him. Rather, she says she's "100% confident and excited to see where everything can go," which is peak "I like you as a friend" territory.

So for those keeping score:
Caelynn - said she's in love & her dad signed the permission slip
Hannah - said she was falling in love & her dad signed the permission slip
Tayshia - said she was falling in love & her dad signed the permission slip
Cassie - said she's looking forward to the final season of Game of Thrones & her dad shredded the permission slip

In remembering that Colton said he doesn't want to risk picking women who are unsure, it seems pretty clear which 3 women he'll pick right?

I don't know who's more shocked — Caelynn or Cassie, who can't believe she scammed her way into the final 3.

Colton leads Caelynn to yet another bench (there must've been a BOGO sale on benches) where we assume he's going to fully dive into why he made the decision that he did. And she's crying and asking why AND HE LITERALLY SAYS NO WORDS.
Instead of comforting her or offering ANY level of closure, he proceeds to give her a raspberry on her head instead of her belly, while actively messing up her hair.
Caelynn then leaves and Colton stress poops.
While Caelynn's Uber drives away, she cries but also delivers some great sound bites that would fit perfectly into promos for the next season of The Bachelorette ("I thought this would be it. I don't know what's next for me now..."). So I mean, do the right thing ABC.

I want to wrap this up by saying YOOO F COLTON THOUGH. I've made some calls to ensure he is banned from North Carolina and is not allowed to eat biscuits ever in any location ever.

And that's it! I'm not exaggerating this time when I say there is a 66% chance Colton chooses a blonde in the end. See you all next week when the fence jumping scene that has been touted for 15 years will finally happen (allegedly).

Til then, find me using Google Street View to find Michael B. Jordan's house and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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