Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 7)

This week's post is brought to you by the weekly meeting of the flawless brows and glasses gossip committee:

After exciting international adventures, we're in Denver this week!

Can you believe some people come on this show just to be on TV
Colton's internal struggle continues as he mulls over the fact that 3 ladies (Sydney, Katie, Demi) all alluded to the fact that there are some women in the house who are not here for "the right reasons" and aren't ready to be engaged. Like, boo DUH. But I guess Colton really thinks that all of these beautiful women who are wildly out of his league are actually here to love him. Silly rabbit.

Ben Higgins, who I think must be part owner of this franchise by now based on how many times he has appeared, shows up to offer his advice because he has had a really successful run with the show. Um also Ben can still get it. And by "it" I mean my father's permission to date me omg you guys don't be so explicit.
The sage bit of wisdom he offers Colton is to just ask the girls if they're here for the right reasons. WOW, A REAL ACADEMIC, Y'ALL. WHAT A GOOD IDEA. Because if they're not here for the right reasons, they're def gonna admit it like "Nah hoe I'm here to get famous." Colton mulls over this advice like Ben just told him KFC's secret recipe.

Later the ladies greet Colton in Denver and Miss Alabama is wearing this:
I'm not even shading her here, I like this outfit. It's this sort of long-sleeved mesh top paired with a leather jacket. But like, what temperatures allow you to comfortably wear this? I also love how the show continues to be petty by making her stand by North Carolina all the time.

Tayshia gets the first one-on-one with Colton and his dog and they walk around the city exchanging such conversational hits as "I'm so excited to be here" and "I like Denver" and "I'm glad you're here." The regulars. They eventually sit down at a bar to ignore glasses of Prosecco.
Colton says he isn't worried that Tayshia is one of the girls who is here for the wrong reasons but asks for the goss. And Tayshia says she doesn't want to spread gossip except oh wait, what is this spatula and LET'S SPREAD. She says that Katie told her Cassie and Caelynn were saying stuff like they want to be the next Bachelorette and can't wait to be invited to all the parties after this show and they definitely aren't ready to be engaged. And I have to assert that this is the most relatable thing to happen on this show. Because if your reward for enduring 12 weeks with a boring cup of plain yogurt is not a bunch of parties with B-list celebs and a chance at being the Bachelorette, what even is the point?

Colton then goes outside to poop because we all handle stress differently I guess.
Post-gossip session, they head to what appears to be a show room for an apartment complex to cook dinner. At some point, Colton tries to Patrick Swayze Tayshia while she's cutting carrots which is both stupid and dangerous.
They then set their plates down to ignore while they talk more. And actually this is the one case where ignoring the food might be a good idea because they've chosen to include brussels sprouts which might be the most fart-inducing food ever. We ain't tryna hear that on the mics.

Colton ends the date by showing Tayshia "his room" (read: who knows whose room this is in a random apartment building) and she gets a rose, making her the first to make it to hometown dates.

"I'm happy for you, it sucks"
Cassie continues to be the most depressed yet supportive friend of Caelynn, who gets the next one-on-one date.

Colton decides to "teach" Caelynn how to snowboard, which totally seems like an activity you can accomplish in the first hour of a date. They shuffle around for a bit and she learns exactly zero about snowboarding before they head to the lodge to gossip.

He tells her what Tayshia said and she reacts as such (my ability to screenshot people blinking REMAINS UNRIVALED):
She says none of it is true and she has never said any of those words, especially the ones about wanting to be the Bachelorette. And that she hasn't felt this way about anyone before and she's falling for Colton and ready to be engaged.

Later at dinner, they rehash these overcooked hashbrowns and Caelynn is basically like "Those are lies and I like you" and Colton is like "K, I believe you because you said it." And then, because we haven't seen a white, vaguely country music'ish band in a few episodes, they head to Red Rocks Amphitheater for that to happen:
Colton obviously gives Caelynn a rose because he has been obsessed with her since night 1.

What moisturizer are they using
Caelynn confronts Tayshia about the stuff she told Colton and whatever let's not talk about that because it's stupid. Instead, can we talk about how amazing both of their skin is? Like what even is their routine? How are they not breaking out from all the traveling?

"I got a hometown before the hometown"
Alabama gets the next one-on-one because she is once again runner-up to North Carolina. And for this, Colton brings her to meet his family which is exactly what you do when you're about to dump someone.

Hannah tells Colton's mom that she's falling for Colton and is 100% ready to be engaged. Meanwhile, Colton is like "Bruh, I don't think I like Hannah" to his dad. So to summarize, they are on the same page.

Later at dinner, Hannah spills her heart again and emphasizes that she's falling in love with Colton and he lets her get this entire spiel out before being like "Oh, you mean you like me? Oh yeah, sorry,  I don't like you like that." And Hannah is completely blindsided.
And she does that thing we all do when we're pissed and trying not to be violent — runs her tongue over her teeth like there's steak stuck in it. Colton walks her out and the bonus in this is that instead of an Uber, she gets to drive away in a limo??
Which, finally getting to leave this trash fire show in a limo that must have champagne in it is a pretty sweet deal.

Just the four of us
Okay so to recap, we have two roses left and four ladies. These leftovers get taken on one last group date. And omg look how happy they are! Best friends for life! LYLAS!
They head out into the woods to literally do nothing but sit and wait to talk to Colton. It is the most pointless trip ever when they could've done this at a local Starbucks.

Heather is up first and she is so fucking stoked to tell Colton that she wants to go home. She says she doesn't think she wants him to meet her family because he is literally a stranger (okay those might be my words) and honestly he looks happy too. He walks her to the train (oh yeah there's a random train because this is The Bad Place) and they both look like they're going to Disney World:
So now Heather is gone and Hannah G., Kirpa and Cassie remain. Colton steals Cassie away next so they can continue this neverending gossip session about what Cassie and Caelynn did or did not say.

Colton tells her what he heard and blah blah, Cassie is so blown away by the allegations that she takes a nap:
Who can blame her, this merry-go-round does not end. Like Caelynn, she denys what Katie said to Tayshia who shared it with Colton and is like "omg no that's crazy I like you." Upon hearing this, Colton is of course like, "Well, let's just see what Kirpa's brows say."
WHAT IS THAT PINK NOTEBOOK? I hope it's either a Burn Book (as most pink notebooks are) or a notebook that lists all the women who are there for all the wrong reasons because that is apparently the drama we are stuck on and that would be of great help.

She confirms what Tayshia told him because Tayshia is her main B and she has her back. She also adds that Caelynn and Cassie seemed the most defensive when the group learned Katie warned him about some of them, which made them look even more suspicious. Kind of like if you ate all your friend's Golden Oreos and she came in the room and asked "Who ate my cookies?" and you were like "OH MY GOD CALM DOWN. SUCH A STUPID QUESTION. I HATE OREOS I'VE NEVER EVEN HAD THEM. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT OREOS ARE. WHAT ARE COOKIES. I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I'VE NEVER BEEN AROUND A COOKIE." Exactly like that.

Okay so after talking with Kirpa, Colton can't decide so he's like, let's drag this out to dinner.
So here they all are sitting super comfortably at dinner like the ladies are Simon, Paula and Randy and Colton is auditioning to be on American Idol. Colton does the easy stuff first and gives Hannah G. her rose because we all knew that was coming.

So now! Gasp! There is one rose left and it's between these two gossip girls! Before Colton can make his decision, Caelynn shows up like "surprise bitch" because she just couldn't live if he sent her BFF Cassie home based on some rumors.
This was seriously the best screenshot I could get because the camera was panning so fast. Girl was on the move! So she tells Colton that Cassie is here for the right reasons and these rumors are dumb and THIS IS SO STUPID because there are ZERO facts involved on either side, just everyone saying "I heard this." So Colton's dumbass of course believes the last person he talks to because I'm actually not sure how good his long-term memory is.

And in a shocking turn of events (not), Cassie gets the last rose and the last hometown date. And Kirpa gives us one more sassy brow lift:
I can actually hear her saying "THIIIIIIIIIIIIS BITCH." She holds it together until getting in her limo when she cries:
Which um wow her brows remain flawless even through tears. And thus begins my official campaign for Kirpa to be the next Bachelorette.

In summary, this dramatic episode fueled by rumors was pointless because there was no way Colton's hometown dates weren't going to be 50% blonde. Pure science.

And that's it! If the fence jumping doesn't happen next week I will burn this place down. Til then, find me denying eating all of your food and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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