Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by Heather, who got a new job:
We're in Vietnam this week!

I am completely shocked
The episode picks up where last week's predictable and pointless cliff hanger left off, with a Rose Ceremony and Nicole crying.

Onyeka and Nicole, who have spent the entire evening arguing with other, both don't get roses because literally everyone from Colton to the PA stocking the production staff's snacks are done with their BS.
After they're both left roseless, we learn that GASP neither of them cares since the other is going home too. Aint nobody actually want this pot o'Colton gold at the end of this shitbow.

An extremely meaningful date
Hannah G. gets the first one-on-one date in Vietnam and instead of actually enjoying the rich culture, history and amazing food of this country, these two vanilla soft serves do this:
And then also this:
And this:
And then to mix it up, this:
We get so many sound bites of Colton and the girls back at the house talking about how stunningly beautiful Hannah is. And like, I don't want to be rude except jk I am Rude Bader Ginsburg — I don't see it. I find Hannah kind of odd looking? Kind of like a mix between one of those Funko Pop toys and a character from that movie "Big Eyes." But I think she meets all of the requirements Colton has set for a wife: 1) White 2) Tiny 3) Blonde 4) Name is two syllables or less 5) Could pass for his sister.

After they subject these Vietnamese women to their making out across various locations at this spa, they head to dinner, which I think the producers only include so there's a table between Colton and whichever lady, creating a physical barrier and giving us a break from the really bad kissing.
Hannah reveals that the hardest thing she's faced in her life hasn't been the fact that she's really pretty, but rather, that her parents got divorced. And her mom drove through their yard to spite her dad who took such care of it, which I know this is a serious conversation but imagining a woman destroying a yard is pretty hilarious.

Colton obviously gives her a rose and I continue to be confused by his obsession with her.

I could never be on this show
Aside from the fact that I'm over 30 which is apparently beyond cougar and probably approaching something like rhino status, I would demolish these girls in any sort of physical competition. Like, there would be a real probability that I'd actually knock someone out. I am 90% positive I would accidentally break Heather's arm just by generating air by waving at her.
The leftovers get to go on this Girl Fight Club date which is perfect since none of these women have ever been in a fight ever. This is like taking a bunch of lactose intolerant people to a milk tasting. The only entertaining part is when Katie goes off on Demi's wack ass and punches her in the face:
After swatting at each other for an hour, they head to the dentist's office portion of the date wherein all of them wait to have their mouth inspected by Colton.

He says he's "really excited for...all the relationships" which swoon, a modern day Shakespeare.

And we've now reached the point of the show that is particularly stupid (as opposed to all other parts which are just regular stupid) where each of the ladies starts to feel really insecure about the fact that their "boyfriend" still has 14 other girlfriends. And they all want Colton to say "Ok but I promise I'll propose to YOU at the end" but as we know that isn't the point of this show.

In the spirit of this, Sydney suddenly wakes up from her walking coma to realize she is on a show competing for the proposal of a guy who isn't even a pro athlete anymore. She decides they can't "get there" as a couple and can't believe she gave up being a Knicks dancer for this and goes home. But not before really planting it in Colton's mind that some of the girls aren't here for the right reasons and aren't ready to be engaged and anyway we'll never know who in the group she thinks lacks maturity:
Tayshia ends up getting the group date rose and when she goes to grab it from Colton, Alabama tries to kill her by using only her mind. It doesn't work, but I assume she'll keep trying on all of the ladies.

Our fav Kirpa gets the second one-on-one date and this is all very exciting mostly because she'll get real screentime and she is the actual star of this season. This is how excited she is to have "won" the one-on-one:
She greets Colton by the water and is EXTREMELY hesitant about the dumbass way the ladies are forced to greet the dude. Like, she stands there for a second before I'm sure some producer on the side screamed "YOU HAVE TO WRAP YOUR LEGS AROUND HIM OR WE LEAVE YOU HERE."
They head into some windy ass vestibule to ignore some random food while getting to know each other because this is quite literally the second time Colton has met with Kirpa.

After finally finding out each others names, they go out on a boat because the show must have some sort of time share situation with one based on the number of times dates are centered around boats. At one point they eat a lime topped with boogers.
Later at dinner, Kirpa reveals she was with her ex for 8 years and engaged and he was a virgin, to which Colton is like "omg I'm a virgin too, did you know that." She says they ended up breaking up because they got "too comfortable" with each other and things got stagnant. And she doesn't want to end an engagement again, which I think goes without saying. I mean, who among us WANTS to end an engagement aside from the lesser known Marvel superhero Ending Engagement Man.

Kirpa looks absolutely bored during this entire date and sits most of the time like this:

Colton gives her a rose and she's says "yay" like someone just told her she won a free colonoscopy. They then kiss in the rain which is rude considering Colton has an umbrella. What is the point of this aside from frizzy hair.

But he talked to her felon mom who just got out of prison!
Earlier in the episode during the group date, Demi uses her alone time with Colton to call her recently-released-from-prison mom and introduce her to him. Which in Demi's mind cements their relationship.

At the end of the episode, she brushes out her best Toddlers and Tiaras blowout and decides she's gonna sneak away to see Colton and let him know how she feels.
She tells him she's falling in love with him and blah blah he's like "Ummmm, even though I have graphically made out with you for weeks now, I don't actually want to marry you." And even though I don't like her, it's kind of sad to see someone spill their feelings only to be told "nah."

She cries and obviously has to go home and it's shitty that she wasted a good hair day on this situation.
Before she heads out, she lets the girls know what happened and all I want to point out is Alabama is the TEXTBOOK example of what ALL of us women do when someone wakes us up to talk — arms over the chest because we ain't wearin' no bra.
And that's it! We continue to wait for the fence jumping scene that I bet we'll learn isn't even from this season and was just an old clip from Becca's season because this show would do some shit like that.

See you next week! Til then, find me eating your fries when you get up to go to the bathroom and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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