Let's chat about The Bachelor (Finale Part 1)

So sorry for missing last week! But 8 weeks of this show whittled my brain down to the last two raisins so I needed some time to recoup ahead of this week's "MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVER."

Part 1 of this finale that did not need 2 parts is brought to you by Colton ugly crying:

I mean hubba hubba, talk about hot.

On this episode of "The O.C."
To recap, last week Cassie told Colton she "loved him" but wasn't "in love" with him, which is the textbook way women have been dumping bogus dudes for CENTURIES. He of course responded by professing his love, saying he wanted to be with her and blah blah. This would be like if Michael B. Jordan told me to stop "breaking into his home" and I was like "But I love you, so it's okay we can move past this."

There's also a whole thing with Cassie's dad who has reservations about everything, but I find her dad sort of creepy, so I'm glazing over it. He looks like someone you'd see on one of those sugar daddy/sugar baby dating apps (that I've never heard of or seen but if I have IT'S BECAUSE I GOT BILLS).

After Cassie's like byeeeee Colton is vv sad and decides the best way to deal is to hop a fence that could easily just be opened. Here is Chris Harrison walking through the gate that is doing what gates do best: Opening.

The production crew sets out to find Colton and this is filmed all shakily like "The Blair Witch Project" as they try to convince us that he went super far. They eventually find him wandering along the road that is likely right outside of where filming is happening and Colton is ready to deliver the angst.

The producers try to stop him from wandering into the street where you know, these things called cars are. And he's like NO COLTON MAD. ME COLTON. ME MAD.

And then all of this angst exhausts him, so he takes a nap.

He awakens to let Chris Harrison know he's done with the whole show. And tbh, had the show just wrapped there, we all would've been okay with it.

"What if she's just not that into you?"

The next day, Chris Harrison (I think it's mandatory to use his first and last name when referring to him) heads to Colton's room for an Oprah chat. Colton tells him that he was falling in love with Tayshia and Hannah G. but he was in love with Cassie. And he thinks Cassie didn't reciprocate because of Tayshia and Hannah being there to which Chris Harrison says "What if she's just not that into you?" and with that, all women across the globe stood up and clapped because CORRECT.

Just a reminder that Colton keeps reiterating that he wants someone to love him and like, okay literally 40 women on the show did, but you chose the one woman who doesn't. WHO IS THE PROBLEM HERE.

He then decides he needs to dump Tayshia and Hannah because he'd rather dedicate his time to someone who is not interested in him.

Breakup #1

Tayshia is completely surprised by Colton showing up at her door, as is evident in the fact that she has full makeup and hair and is in a cute outfit. For reference, this is what I would look like if someone surprised me in the morning:

Pure, unfiltered, all natural beauty.

So Colton gets on his bullshit and tells Tayshia this is over because he's in love with someone who isn't in love with him. And this is the face of a woman realizing she wasted weeks of lashes, brows and flawless skin on an expired cup of vanilla pudding:

She then decides they need some time to talk away from the cameras and pays homage to our main girl Kirpa by staring directly into the camera as if she just now realized they're being filmed:

So they go behind closed doors as if this offers any sort of privacy since THEY'RE BOTH STILL WEARING MICS. And this entire trash fire worsens as SHE has to comfort HIM. AFTER HE DUMPED HER.

This would be like if I broke your arm on purpose then immediately burst into tears and made you comfort me with your broken arm.

After this ridiculous breakup, we cut to the live portion of the episode where Tayshia has been forced to watch the breakup again because this show lives to torture.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HER LOOK??? GIRL. YES. This is how you show up for live TV after getting dumped by a piece of congealed deli meat. She says she has no hard feelings and that dating Colton made her "look forward to a really exciting relationship" because this has undoubtedly been the most time consuming yet boring relationship of her life.

She shares that last part with Colton in person, but I wanted to dedicate a whole section to his appearance on the live portion because...

When someone gifts you a hair straightener

What in the actual hell is this. He looks like he watched some old 90s TV shows about surfers in California and realized "OHH THIS IS WHAT CASSIE LIKES." Looking like a crazy ass cockatoo.

Breakup #2

Ahead of Colton surprising Hannah with a breakup, we find her finishing up some homework because junior year of high school is hard!

I'm kidding, she's writing in her journal, I think. Though, who the hell journals while wearing jeans and sitting on a hard ass couch? I can think of exactly zero times I've been home (or in a hotel room) at night and thought "Omg, I should keep my jeans on."

So Colton shows up and they sit on the world's tiniest couch in front of a champagne bottle wearing a scarf:

Unless this was supposed to be Hannah's meal (the ol' bottle of champagne + a banana and green apple and bruised pear dinner), did the producers just rush into the scene and randomly set this up. WITH ONE SAD GLASS? The foreshadowing of this show is incredible.

Like a mama bird, Colton regurgitates his breakup speech to little baby bird Hannah. And she responds by first trying to rub off her eyebrows:

Then she shows Colton her hand like she's gonna do that magic trick where you make your thumb look like its disconnected:

And Colton is like "Hey look I can make a heart with my hands. Oh btw this heart belongs only to Cassie":

And then they take a weird nap together:

I gotta tell you, I have seen up Colton's nose more than I've seen up my own nose and I don't like it.

After the breakup, Hannah proceeds to pack her stuff, which includes a stuffed bear, a jean jacket and what appears to be an order of ribs:

Only the essentials, I get it.

"Nobody wants to rewatch this"
YES HANNAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. ALSO NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH THIS THE FIRST TIME. But if it wasn't for the live portion, Hannah wouldn't get to show off this great spray tan:

I'm not being sarcastic, it's a pretty great tan. Hannah proceeds to be a little harsher on Colton (as she should be) because he repeatedly told her she was the one (which wtf). So she was completely confused by the breakup. And she can barely look at Colton during this entire exchange not because she's hurt, but I'm pretty sure because of his stupid bird wings haircut.

Colton tells Hannah that he didn't want to beat around the bush, except he beat that bush (omg HAHA I'll let you make your own joke about that) for AN ENTIRE SEASON. Because he absolutely knew he wanted to pick Cassie a few weeks ago, but still led Hannah and Tayshia on.

Bushes aside, Hannah's facial expression while Colton is talking is probably the best thing she's done this entire season:

She also calls this "the ultimate rejection," which is untrue. The ultimate rejection is when you get to Chick-fil-A at 10:32 a.m. and try to order a chicken biscuit and they tell you they stopped serving breakfast at 10:30.

If you're a sexist, racist idiot pop open your buttons:

Following Colton's decision to dump the two women who were in love with him the most, ABC brings together a panel of the men most unqualified to be offering advice. This includes Blake, who sweatily bawled his eyes out after being dumped by Becca; Ben, who has been on The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise 150 times and still not found love; Jason, the finance bro who Becca also dumped; and fracking Garrett, the idiot who Becca is engaged to. I'm not re-hashbrowning his dumb social media past, but essentially he's a special breed of Ignoramus Rex.

This group of unsharpened pencils offers insight that literally none of us asked for, reminding us that the men associated with this show must all share one brain. Like they have to pass it around. How tough do you think that is when Chris Harrison is hogging it most of the time.

Of course Cassie hasn't left yet

How long does it take to pack one sweater and a belt? A couple days it seems as Cassie IS STILL HERE. Despite the fact that Tayshia and Hannah were sent packing before Colton had even finished saying "I JUST LOVE CASSIE SOOOOOOOO MUCH."

So while Cassie is in the process of breaking the world record for slowest packer, Colton decides he needs to see her because he's "willing to do any and everything" to get her back.

But first, a nap:

Meaning we're so lucky and get to see the dramatic conclusion to this amazing season tonight! And by "dramatic" I mean DUMB AS HELL and by "amazing" I mean BORING AS FUCK.

See you tonight! Til then, find me complaining of heartburn after eating Costco-sized bags of Hot Cheetos and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).