Monday, May 22, 2017

All aboard the 2017 Billboard Music Awards

I'm not exactly sure why Billboard calls this an "awards" show because from what I remember, they handed out like two awards (both of which went to Drake). But if there's anything I enjoy more than a mass celeb gathering, it's a mass feast. Also a mass dachshund gathering. And a mass Zefron-lookalike gathering. Wait, back to the point. I love a show featuring a bunch of live performances. Mostly because you never know if you're gonna get crazy ass Britney at the 2007 VMAs doing "Gimme More" or sassy ass Adele at the 2012 Grammys doing "Rolling in the Deep." And I like taking that risk.

Let's begin by addressing the sinking ship I remain captain of -- E!'s red carpet coverage. We were lucky enough to witness Jason Kennedy fight the urge to fall asleep as his own voice quite literally bored his brain to death. I'm not sure if someone mixed in some downers to his pre-show M&Ms or if maybe someone forgot to plug him in last night to recharge his battery. To be honest, E! could've propped up a bundle of green onions and it would've been more riveting.

But! He did wake up long enough provide us with some hard-hitting journalism, asking Vanessa Hudgens, "Was it a simple decision, to decide to cut your hair?" WHERE IS HIS PULITZER?

To the business:


OH, COME AT ME OVER HALSEY. I DARE YOU. Y'all, it was like 90 degrees on the red carpet (er, pink carpet?) so Halsey came in some weather appropriate wear. While those shoes are likely a bitch to take off when she enters an Asian home, the general lack of a top and breezy front-slit skirt make up for their complicated nature. I would like to lead the revolution to normalize wearing bras as tops because I can't tell you how many times coworkers have made complaints about me coming to work topless. IT'S SUMMER, CAN I LIVE.

I'm also including my new breast friend Olivia Munn here. Her hair and make-up is on point and that dress is top notch. She is literally wearing pasties and boy shorts with a sheer cover-up and once again I'll never understand why this isn't classified as "business casual."

Face bras are it
Nicki opened the show with a 9-minute medley that included lots of leather and then some half-naked dudes wearing gas masks and honestly it felt like a normal Sunday night for me. Then at some point David Guetta appeared onstage looking like a middle-aged dad whose daughters abandoned him in Hot Topic and it was so charitable of Nicki to let him play with his Macbook onstage. If you don't listen to Nicki, I suggest you immediately download "Beez in the Trap." It's a banger (am I cool enough to say that?) and what I imagine will be my entrance music when I become a cage fighter.

Secondhand embarrassment kills
Did I miss the United Nations meeting where we retracted our prior ruling to ban Vanessa Hudgens from accessing a mic? Okay and you're probably saying "Well Kristi, you're just salty because she dated Zefron for so long" and yes that's true and yes we did share a very dramatic love triangle past. But it doesn't change the fact that she seems to be a marionette who is trying to prove she is human by over-enunciating our human language. I CAN SEE THOSE STRINGS, PUPPET. Also, one of her bits included her singing Celine and rapping Nicki and I haven't felt more embarrassent since I thought a pad of butter was cheese and ate it in one bite.

Billy Ray Cyrus continues to creep me out
Billy Ray is like Regina George's mom in Mean Girls, except exponentially creepier and infinitely less cool than Amy Poehler.

And let me just give you some background on my credentials to judge creepiness:
During my inaugural LA-Celeb-Creeping trip, I found myself outside of the Cyrus' mansion in Toluca Lake (I didn't trespass or anything because my probation officer said it wouldn't be a good look). I then saw Billy Ray and (a much younger) Noah walking their dog. And oddly enough, Steve Carrell just around the corner. It was a weird day. My point here is that I'm a creep and it takes a creep to know a creep.

Furthermore, from what I know, he had that one country song back in the day when he was sporting a mullet (which 4 out of 5 doctors agree is a precursor for creepism) and now just clings to his daughters' fame like it's his own and something about that is inherently creepy.

Oh, Miley is country again
Remember how she spent those couple of years after her "Bangerz" album acting like she discovered weed? She's now over her scientific achievement and trying to prove to us that she is mature and can handle things like having her own credit card, and not just an Old Navy credit card, like a real one. I don't know if I actually believe it because can you ever really forget her looking like a raw chicken "twerking" on Robin Thicke at the VMAs?

And now, a reenactment of how I enter my apartment every day after work
Camila Cabello continues to steal my trademarked moves. It's common knowledge that aside from the free candy, my primary reason for wanting to be a pop singer is to tear away a stage outfit to reveal a glittery number underneath.

Anyway, this was Single Harmony's first solo performance and it was fire'y. Literally. There were flames onstage. And her dancers wore these MC Hammer pants that kind of made them look like the bad guys in Aladdin while she kind of looked like Hercules? I actually like her debut song, "Crying in the Club" (which, FYI is what I do when I'm about to leave the club and remember I'm getting late night pizza), but this performance was a bit much. And by "bit much" I mean "extra" and by "extra" I mean I loved it and have rewatched it 12.5 times today.

Chandler Bing is Lorde's choreographer and I'm here for it
The only thing I enjoy more than Lorde's amazing vocals is her amazing dancing. She's spazzy and dinosaur-like, which coincidentally enough is how all of my ex-boyfriends describe me. She performed "Green Light" and her stage setup was like a karaoke room and I actually think she'd be fun to karaoke with (OH SURPRISE SURPRISE I'M ASIAN AND ENJOY KARAOKE). 

20 years later and my heart is still going on
THAT WHITE DRESS. THOSE BIG ASS SLEEVES. I honestly outdid the screaming I normally reserve for Chrissy T, which was to be expected. 9-year-old me used to BLAST "My Heart Will Go On" while putting together BSB and Hanson photo montages, so needless to say I've always been dramatic and also really artsy. I've never felt such a flood of emotion and the desire to cry since that time Chipotle gave me a burrito bowl for free. And whether or not my best friends are aware, I plan to sing this at all of their weddings. While wearing this specific white dress.

Does anyone have a drink because Drake is still thirsty AF
Don't get me wrong, I love Drake. He is that boyfriend you have who writes you letters and puts dried flowers in them and uses metaphors to describe your beauty and shit. When really all you want is free steak and and a shoulder massage while watching Southern Charm with a bag of Hot Cheetos (we'll never know why I'm single). While accepting his 253rd award of the night, he took the time to woo V.Hudgens and she literally blushed her way to the moon. However, Baby V's reaction was moot, because this was Nicki's:
John Legend - Chrissy Teigen + Florida Georgia Line = CANNOT COMPUTE
I was extremely troubled to find my kween was not in attendance because she did not want to fit her back into a dress and instead opted for seeing Magic Mike Live with friends (I'm not making that up, her Snapchat has the receipts). John Legend showed up looking dapper per usual and performed with that voice that makes you feel like you're swimming in pools of gravy on mounds of mashed potatoes. But then, two gentlemen dressed in what can only be described as "random ass items from Forever21" joined him and what the hell, who invited Florida Georgia Line? I have never understood their appeal. And I'm not just saying that because the only country music I accept is Maren Morris, but that is exactly what I'm saying.

UPDATE: I like country music
Thank you for the scientific evidence, Sam Hunt.

UPDATE #2: I like bowl cuts
This precious K-Pop group, BTS, was the first Korean group to be nominated, invited and win at the Billboard Music Awards (they beat Bieber & others for Top Social Artist). I'm not saying I take credit, but I'm Korean and eat Korean food at least once a month, so let's put credit where credit is due. I've actually never ventured into K-Pop (or J-Pop or literally any Asian music except for XTina singing "Reflection"), but after they blew up on social media from the night, I streamed one of their albums and (brace yourselves I'm about to say it again) IT'S A BANGER. And y'all, the guy in the white shirt is the only one who speaks fluent English and he gave the sweetest, most genuine speech and anyway I guess I can deal with having a boyfriend in Korea too.

If I'm just a third as extra as Cher is at 71, I'll count it as a win. I'm not sure what parts of her body are the original parts, but regardless, she looks better than I do as a 20-something-year-old. And she wore pasties from the Lil' Kim collection and used her acceptance speech for the Icon Award to tell us she can plank for 5 minutes which is superhuman and wins for the best humblebrag ever.

Obligatory Chrissy T mention
This has absolutely nothing to do with the show, but rather is just a gem from her Twitter. 

And there you have it! If we take anything away from this show, it's that The Chainsmokers need to scurry back to their basement and leave us alone. 

See you all soon as I use my expertise to provide academic and insightful commentary on The Bachelorette!

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