Monday, May 8, 2017

Yes, I watched the 2017 MTV Movie & TV Awards

I was obviously drawn in by the catchy name for the show, which is literally called the Music Television Movie and Television Awards. MARKETING IS SPOT ON.

Please remember that I willingly seek out and watch any sort of programming that gathers 2 or more celebrities in one place. That's right. From the Oscars to a livestream of Amy Schumer eating falafel at a cafe with Jennifer Lawrence, I watch it all.

And so, as one of the approximately 10 people who watched the show, I felt it to be my civic duty to recap the evening.

First off, I need a band-aid because the sharp, perfect angle of Zendaya's brows is cutting me to the core. Even as I write, I'm literally staring at a zoomed in photo because these are the brows that God imagined when he was thinking "What should eyebrows look like?" I absolutely loved this dress and Kermit the Frog color partially because of the open back. I have a really broad back, like Michael Phelps broad (except I don't stick to his workout regimen, only his 12k+ calorie per day regimen). So, anything that allows my big back to be wild and free is magical and worthy of a standing ovation.

As it turns out, I'm not over Zefron

As most of you know via my representatives, Zachary and I went through a pretty nasty breakup, which entailed a lot of me crying outside of his Hollywood Hills mansion and also an unfortunate face tattoo that I've since had removed. Anyway, lately I've felt completely past the Zef obsession, but then he showed up looking like the newest member of BSB and set my heart a flutter and anyway I guess we're back on. If we're being honest, he never lets me around him when he's wearing all white (which is generally every Tuesday and Thursday) because he says I always have chicken wings on my hands, which is both rude and true. Love is so complicated.

Clear heart, full brows, can't lose
So Emma Watson and her flawless, British ass brows won MTV's first gender-neutral award of the night. And she gave an amazingly eloquent speech considering the venue and the fact that MTV gave an award last year for "Best Shirtless Performance." Juxtaposition, ya know. For a moment I thought I was watching a classy show or an actual awards show, kind of like when you wander into the "designer" shoes section of Nordstrom Rack. It feels fancy and you're like "wow, this is great," but then you step out into the aisle and remember the rest of the store is like a burning building and everyone is a headless chicken trying to save themselves by ripping clothes off racks. Back on point: Emma Watson: great speech, great brows, can't lose.

How I plan to enter every room from now on
While I'm still not healed from Camilla Cabello leaving Fifth Harmony (but I'm brave so I know I'll make it), this girl knows how to enter a performance. I uphold that the two best things to do onstage are: 1) Descend from the ceiling and 2) Have it rain (like actual water not money). Dramatic, extra things are the point of becoming a performer (so Celine Dion tells me). She performed with J. Balvin and Pitbull and to be honest the sound for all of the performances (not just theirs) Some sort of odd echo or everyone's backing track was too loud. It's like when you're in the car singing "Genie in a Bottle" and you can't hear yourself so you're like "I'm doing pretty well," and then the track stops and you realize you don't sound like XTina and it's embarrassing for everyone.

Look, I'm not petty about a lot of things except for everything related to celebrities and also everything related to my life. At the heart of Grand Petty Central is Allison Williams. Every siren in my brain goes off telling me she is in fact a terrible person, I can just sense it. And it's rare that my senses are off (except for the first time I smelled weed and thought it smelled like pistachios, when in fact, weed is not made of pistachios). Similar to how Chrissy T involuntarily evokes screaming and yas kween'ing, Allison IMMEDIATELY makes me boo. And who even boos these days? Me, that's who. If you haven't seen "Get Out," see it immediately because I am positive Allison Williams' "character" is actually just Allison Williams.

Oh okay, Gal Gadot
To be honest, I've never been a fan of Wonder Woman but they make her look pretty badass in this new movie. And wtf, Gal Gadot, being gorgina while jumping through fire. This is also what I look like while lunging at the register at Chick-fil-A to get a breakfast biscuit before they stop serving breakfast. Anyway, it's rude for both her and I to look so flaw free while doing such physical activities and we're both very sorry.

Do Transformers and The Fast & The Furious just alternate releasing movies every year?
I'm pretty sure Mark Wahlberg and Vin Diesel just alternate coming to the Movie Awards every year to say "And now, here's an exclusive clip from the latest Transformers/Fast & The Furious movie." They don't even have to edit the teleprompter. Who even knows if Mark Wahlberg and Vin Diesel are even separate people, for all we know, they're the same person just making a shit ton of money. They should conclude both series' with the robot car things battling out the racing car things and there's lots of fire and in the end Jordana Brewster's eyebrows are the only survivor.

UPDATE: I'm over The Zef
Sources have confirmed I'm now dating Ross Butler. Accepting couple names on a rolling basis. #Kross #Rosti #McBut

Big Aiko are tiny and adorable
How long have Big Sean and Jhene Aiko been a thing? And when can we expect a collaboration? And why are they both so little and cute? These are the answers the universe wants.

Be still, my beating heart
Ashton Sanders and Jharrel Jerome won Best Kiss in a category that has generally been disappointing since Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams won back in the day for The Notebook and recreated the kiss onstage. Ashton and Jharrel's win was the best and if you haven't seen Moonlight, what are you even doing right now. I know I've mentioned it before, but I have to reiterate how much that movie made me feel real human emotions. A monstrous task usually only undertaken by wiener dogs.

Cool for the summer
I don't even know what to say here and to be completely honest, I don't want to linger on this too long because I feel Cara Delevingne is staring right into my hair roots trying to transpose my own hair onto her head. At first I thought she was wearing some sort of bald cap thing, but then I was like, why would anyone do that? Nope, this is just her head. And the face she's chosen to pair with said head. I mean, maybe subconsciously I'm just jealous because my own head has more peaks and valleys than a national park. Either way, easy breezy summer hair!

13 Stranger Reasons Why
The cast of "13 Reasons Why" presented the award for Best Show to the cast of "Stranger Things" and it was so freaking cute. I personally enjoyed both shows and even read the book "13 Reasons Why," which is pretty shocking. And whatever, maybe I read it because I originally heard that Selena Gomez was going to be in the film adaptation. THAT WAS JUST A RUMOR. I read for knowledge which is evident by my serious, mature book collection spanning Twilight to The Hunger Games. Anyway, excited for season 2 of both shows, til then, enjoy this hugging.

And that's it! I leave you with this because I am emotionally confused and what does the heart even want.

See you May 21 for the Billboard Music Awards!

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