Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 2)

While my selection of TV shows is generally a flaming dumpster, for so long I prided myself on avoiding The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise/Bachelor of Azkaban/etc. I just found the whole premise kind of unnatural. It's like putting a steak in a room with a bunch of starving people. Regardless of if they even like steak or not, they're gonna want it because it's there and they're hungry. My point here is I'm clearly very scientific with my thinking and also I feared how much trash my brain could take after 5 seasons of Vanderpump Rules.

All of the above is moot because I've decided to jump on this bandwagon because Rachel Lindsay is actually intelligent (oh hi law degree from Marquette), from Dallas (oh hi Whataburger and Texas bbq) and MOST SHOCKING, OMG, SHE IS NOT 20 AND BLONDE. GASP. She's 31. Meaning she's older than me so I can trust her. And even though she stole my high school senior photos concept for her promo below, I'm a fan.

I'm skipping commentary on the first week, but here's a quick recap: She stood outside this castle house. It had apparently rained because the ground was wet yet somehow her dress didn't get wet. 31 dudes arrived in limos and each of them tried to make a memorable first impression. Most of them looked like idiots or said something more cliche than everything Freddie Prinze, Jr. has ever said in any teen movie. She then chatted with each of them for approximately 12.5 seconds. At the end of the episode she told 11 of them to sashay away, leaving her with 20 "good ones" and they all drank and SCENE.

To week 2.

Prince Eric of the week: PETER, DUH.

Rachel chose Sebastian Stan-lookalike Peter for the first solo date. They bonded over both having gaps and I don't actually remember much of their conversation because Peter's eyes were more smoldering than Nick Carter in every Backstreet Boys music video. He gave me more heart palpitations than that time I had 3 giant cups of coffee followed by a Red Bull then went to class and could see sounds. For reference, anytime he talks, this is generally how I look:
So they went to a dog pool party and brought along Rachel's best friend who sources have confirmed has already been announced as the next Bachelor. In case you missed the news alert on your phone, here's a pic of him:

Y'ALL AND HE HAS A CAST AT THE MOMENT. Any doubt I had with this show melted away because if there's anything I love more than being presented with 20 eligible men, it's being presented with one somewhat handicapped dog.

Ursula of the week: Demario and obviously Whaboom

Let's discuss Lucas, aka Whaboom, first. We learned about his dumbass catchphrase in the season premiere and watching him do it is probably the most disgusting thing I've seen since I went to a Chinese buffet and sat at a table in front of some mirrors. 
Now, I'm not dumb, I know ABC is going to make Rachel keep him around for entertainment purposes and because he infuriates literally everyone who encounters him. 98% of the reason I want to keep watching is so I can finally see when she sends him home (the other 2% being for Copper).

Our eyes and ears were assaulted by him during the first group date, which was a "Husband Material" challenge and also included an introduction by Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis (who are apparently superfans). Rachel made them do random ass domestic tasks like changing a diaper and vacuuming, which I want to make more jokes about but it made sense. Because honestly, all I'm looking for in a partner is a former model, now stay-at-home CEO who can raise our kids, went to culinary school in his free time and enjoys cleaning and folding laundry. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR? 

Anyway, Whaboom won the challenge and the universe wept, but on a positive note, I experienced an epiphany, finally realizing who Lucas reminds me of:
I never even watched Jimmy Neutron, but for some reason I can remember what all of the characters look like. I can only assume this means I was a part of some government experiment that involved removing useful information from my brain (such as "math" and also "science") and replacing it with useless character images from a Nickelodeon cartoon.

To the Demario drama. After the group date basketball game, Demario thought he was so lucky to be asked by Rachel for some alone time. When in reality she was walking him to a funeral for his pride as she had just chatted with his ex-girlfriend, who told Rachel they were still together when he came on the show. The following then happened:
  • Demario saw his ex, Lexi, and first said "OHHHHHH" then said "Who's that?"
  • Demario said he didn't know Lexi, then admitted they were involved for six months and had "sexual intercourse" (because if he just said "sex," it'd be so confusing)
  • Demario said he didn't have keys to Lexi's place, then remembered he did and claimed to have mailed them back to her
For reference, this is Lexi, who I didn't trust at first purely based on those fishhook brows, crazy non-blinking eyes and the fact that she was wearing a scrunchie from 1999 on her hand.
But she wasn't lying, as was clear in Demario's stuttering attempt to defend himself. Leading Rachel to give us what has to be the best line in the entire show's history: "I'm really gonna need you to get the fuck out." #BOYBYE

Who needs to go next:
Blake spent most of the 120-minute episode complaining about Whaboom, who he knew before the show, saying he isn't here for the right reasons and blah blah blah. I couldn't get over Blake's low-cut tank top and leather necklace that has to be from the PacSun collection, circa 2004. Also, hold onto your panties, he is an "aspiring drummer." What are the show's rules for using "aspiring"? Can I list "aspiring brain surgeon" and "aspiring model" on my resume? Asking for a friend.

Jonathan spent the entire episode weirding me out personally. He creeps me out more than me going through Zac Efron's trash. And look at those dark, cow eyes of his. Plus, he lists his profession as "tickle monster" (wtf). I feel like he's one of those people who tickles you and doesn't smile but stares at you as he's doing it (read: VERY CREEPY).

Including Lee here mostly because of his bouffant hair. It's like he cut all of the hair around the sides of his head and pasted it on top. Can we really trust a man who could be hiding another man in his hair? 

It annoys me that there was no rose ceremony at the end of the TWO HOURS. It's like putting cookies in the oven and hearing the timer go off only to find that the oven is now chained and locked and you can't get the cookies out. WHY. 
See you next week!


  1. Comments/thoughts from my viewing party that you may appreciate:
    1. What if Peter (or whoever the first date went to) was allergic to dogs? That would've been amazing to watch.
    2. Did he just say CHINK in the armour? (everyone turns to me, the only Asian in the room) Isnt it KINK? (then we googled it and in fact, chink is gramatically correct.)
    3. Chris Harrison, lurking in the gym as Rachel heads to the locker room.

    You picked a good season to start watching, last night's episode was a good one. Still laughing at Demario's reaction "OHHH...who's that?". And omg your Jimmy Neutron comparison is ON POINT.

    1. HAHA omg these are all excellent points. I didn't even think about the possibility of Peter being allergic. That would've made for a Will Smith in Hitch type date.

      I was dying at Chris Harrison's lurking in the gym. Like go away dude, she's pissed.

      Hoping the entire season is this dramatic!

  2. Made me laugh out loud. Your so funny!!!

  3. Well, now we know that Lee is more than likely racist. And by more than likely, I mean he is. Also, Blake needs to go simply because his intro in the first episode is about being a sex addict. Bye Blake.

    1. Okay yes Lee 100% needs to go now. I'd like for Blake and Whaboom to leave at the same time. Seems right.