Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 3)

Terribly sorry for the delay on this, but I've been on a two-day bender celebrating Rachel eliminating Whaboom and Blake in the same episode. I haven't felt that much joy since that last time I was at a party and they brought out pigs-in-a-blanket.

Since we're on the topic of Blake and Whaboom, aka Blaboom, might as well segue into the worst of the week first.

Ursulas of the week 
Demario and his stuttering self popped back into our lives like a nagging zit that won't go away. All the guys gathered in front of the house like they were watching a middle school fight as he tried to apologize to Rachel for lying more than a carpet. She wasn't having it and sent him away which was once again, pretty hilarious. And we're all better off because Demario seems like one of those guys whose email signature includes some annoying ass quote like "Shoot for the moon, even if you fail, you'll land among the stars" and we do not have time for that.
BYE BYE BLABOOM. Shoutout to Blake for his kookoo for Cocoa Puffs breakdown that included him doing his own rendition of Whaboom, which dear God we do not need more of. I haven't seen an obsession like Blake's with Whaboom since me when Twilight first came out. Or me with mac 'n' cheese. Or me with mac 'n' cheese while watching Twilight. I'm sure if you piece together all of Blake's confessionals, 98% are about Whaboom. The best story to come from their torrid romance was Whaboom telling Rachel that he woke up one night to find Blake standing over him while licking a banana (which doesn't sound sexually creepy at all). When Rachel told Blake this, he responded with "Well, that's clearly a lie because number one, I don't eat carbs." THIS MAN JUST ADMITTED THAT HE DOESN'T EAT CARBS. If that just doesn't unbutter my bread because here's how I feel about carbs:
I have never felt more offended nor personally attacked. And not that we didn't already know, but this moment confirmed Blake is in fact a flaming pile of (carb-free) shit. Luckily, Rachel, being the rational human woman she is, pooper scooped both him and Whaboom out of our lives.

Bouffant, aka Lee, continues to plague us with his racist ass existence (see here). Now, I get that this show was filmed months ago so it's not like we can send him off in the next episode. But like, do they do any sort of vetting on these garbage guys? I feel like Twitter is a pretty easy place to start. Like, Oh! This guy has said a lot of racist and sexist stuff on a public site, maybe we shouldn't have him on the show? And he has little man syndrome? And he's hiding a flock of seagulls in that hair? So many warning signs.

Anytime his condescending ass appeared, I wanted to judo chop his throat while kicking him in the shin. I'm going to predict (and pray) he goes home next week.

Prince Erics of the week
I'm not one to objectify a man's body, haha jk we all know I brazenly whistle at every man in tiny shorts, but Anthony is one of those guys who could be wearing a thick Canada Goose jacket and you'd still be able to see his muscles. He was too entirely cute during the whack ass date Rachel took him on. How the hell is riding a horse down Rodeo Drive "the most LA date"? WTF?

As a subject matter expert, the "most LA" date you can have is this:
  1. Get In-n-Out
  2. Go to Blockheads for shaved ice cream for dessert
  3. Go back to In-n-Out for post-dessert, dessert milkshakes
  4. Drive around Santa Monica aimlessly trying to find Britney Spears' house
  5. Go back to In-n-Out for fries to fuel the stalking
  6. Walk around Runyon Canyon looking for Hilary Duff
  7. Stand outside Zac Efron's house blasting Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together" 
  8. End the date with night burgers from In-n-Out
Anyway, they ended their night with a romantic dinner with a view and the biggest question of the evening was DO THEY EVER EVEN EAT THE FOOD ON THESE DATES? The answer to that is no, which leads me to my next question: WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS FOOD? DOES THE CREW GET TO EAT IT? If I happen to be passing by, can I just be like:
Continuing on this path of objectifying men. All of the abs in this photo are winners of the week (except for Lee's because fuck that dude).
OH HOW CLICHE OF ME TO LIKE SEEING CHISELED MEN WRESTLE IN MUD. Listen, brains and personality and values are extremely important. But you know what else is? Being able to scrub a pan with your boyfriends steel wool muscles. Also, are all of these men photoshopped? It's like they all went to Thor's ab store and ordered the same thing and I'm not complaining.

So, do we trust Eric?
I have several reservations about Eric. First, he says he's a personal trainer but his tiny bird legs tell me otherwise. Second, he literally admitted on camera that he was questioning Rachel's intentions on the show and how "genuine" she was being. Like, the proof of him saying it was right there, printed and huge like a longass CVS receipt. Iggy was annoying about how he approached it and I'm not even addressing Lee's bitchass because talking about him is infuriating. But, the bottomline was that Eric and his insecure self questioned Rachel's intentions because she hadn't voiced she "liked" him. And he didn't want to "put himself out there" if he knew they wouldn't end up together. Uh, did he not understand the premise of the show before he signed up? Like, it's called The Bachelorette. Not the "I invite one guy on a show and we go on dates and get married show" (though that's pretty catchy).

Anyway, during the group date, he opens up to Rachel about his feelings and blah blah she thanks him for his candor and gives him the group date rose. Later, she doubts herself because several of the guys bring up what he said regarding her intentions. He responds with this look:
If you've ever had a boyfriend, you recognize this look. The one where a guy looks like he's trying to multiply 10285293 by 23057238. To be honest, most of my doubts regarding Eric stem from this look because when has a guy ever looked at you like that, then been 100% honest? I don't know, I get most of my relationship advice from Dawson's Creek, so it's likely I'm not in the know. We'll see where he lands next week.

Who needs to go next (besides Lee)
I honestly forgot about Matt the entire episode until I remembered that hair desert atop his head. Why do balding men insist on gelling the last 5 hairs they have? If anything, it makes the survivor hairs stand out, making the bits of their scalp that are poking out even more prominent. Anyway, I don't mean for this to sound like I want him to go because he's balding (read: I want him to go because he's balding).

Fucking tickle monster continues to haunt my dreams. I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable each week and Rachel deserves an Oscar for tolerating his creepy ass. Ellen said it best during the group on her show: "Tickle guy does not dance well."

Who else forgot about Iggy (including Rachel, who didn't ask him on either group date)? Aside from him interjecting himself into a drama with Eric, I could not for the life of me even remember him. He's like that random canned good you have in your pantry that you forgot about but then come across after a few months and wonder "Who bought this?" and also "Why would I need cream of chicken soup?"

Final note: Are they all wearing mics in their mouths because when she kisses any of the guys it is so loud and smacky. Like we can hear every spit string.

Til next week, let us revel in Blaboom's exit!

1 comment:

  1. Favorite line of this post: "Anyway, I don't mean for this to sound like I want him to go because he's balding (read: I want him to go because he's balding)." LOL

    Thanks for reposting Blake's whaboom. It's even funnier seeing it in gif form and realizing Lucas is standing there calmly (or trying not to laugh).

    They never eat on this show (except Corinne did last season) because it "doesnt look attractive on TV"

    I def think they checked Lee's social media before casting and knew it would cause drama.

    Did you know tickle monster is a doctor?