Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

Every week I've been thinking "Omg, these episodes are only two hours long, I wish I could dedicate more of my life to this quality television experience." Lo and behold, this week the ABC gods were kind enough to gift us with two, two-hour episodes. Because we need more time to decide which bin to throw most of these garbage guys in.

Anyway, I'll let Beyonce set the mood for this week's post:
Lucifer finally called Lee home 
In an unpredictable turn of events and not just so ABC could make super dramatic promos, Rachel chose Lee and Kenny for the 2-on-1 date. Racist ass Lee used 110% of his alone time with Rachel to talk about Kenny and how "aggressive" he was and basically how Lee was Winnie the Pooh and Kenny was a bear hunter. Have you ever watched a man blatantly lie? It's hilarious how dumb they always look. Many times, you can literally hear the creaky man wheels spinning, just trying to keep up with the lie. Obviously Rachel had zero time for Lee's creaky wheels. She talked with Kenny after, who told the real side of the story, and anyway she sent Lee back to Hades. 

And all we've learned from this is that ABC kept an openly racist guy around for ratings. And also that he looks like baby Sean Spicer.
And the exit blessings continued
Tickle Monster's creep ass crawled back into the bushes outside of your window. And we also said goodbye to Anthony, Josiah, Alex, Kenny and Will.

I kind of forgot about Anthony after Rachel's horse date with him, to be honest, so. Josiah's cocky ass said Rachel had "poor judgment" for letting him go, but I'm pretty sure he was secretly happy to leave so he could get home and date himself (Josiah tells me that it is in Josiah's opinion that Josiah is a catch). Things honestly went downhill for Alex from week one in direct correlation with the growth of his man bun, so no shocker seeing him go. And while I think it's absolutely adorable how much Kenny loves his daughter, I believe I saw him cry more than Claire Danes in one episode of Homeland, which is quite the feat. He had the most mature exit though, agreeing that it wouldn't be right for him to bring Rachel home to meet his daughter during hometown dates if she couldn't guarantee they'd end up together.

And Will. He had the honor of being Rachel's most boring date ever. Perhaps most boring in the history of The Bachelorette. I had more chemistry with a breakfast bagel this morning than Will had with Rachel. And the thing is, despite the fact that he wears bootcut jeans, he's really good looking and nice. But dear God, I've seen turtles carry on a better conversation than him. And not even the Teenage Mutant Ninja kind. The regular kind. 

Also, Iggy's whack ass finally left us to return to his day job:
Oh and after Rachel's one-on-one date with Jack, where they shucked and ate giant boogers, she sent him home. I'm assuming her decision was based purely on the fact that he looks like this:

So, how are Adam and Thinning Hair Man still around?
Y'all, Rachel sent home 9 guys over the course of 2 episodes. NINE. Yet somehow, these two random ass dudes remained. I could not even find any screencaps of them from the episodes because I think even ABC's producers forgot they were around. If they were to quietly excuse themselves from the show, would anyone even notice? Adam is like that guy you see at your high school graduation and have no idea who he is and he's like "I've sat next to you in every class since kindergarten." 

And Matt. You know how I feel about him. It's interesting how his facial hair and brows seem to be so full and dark, yet God ran out of ink when it came to the hair on his head because that dome is more barren than the wealthy women on The Handmaid's Tale. I don't know if Rachel is keeping both of them around out of the charity in her heart or if the show requires her to maintain men who look like they could work at Staples. It's confusing.

Okay, Eric is cute
For their one-on-one date, Rachel took Eric on a boat around Copenhagen before they ended up in this square with a bunch of public hot tubs because I guess that's a thing in Denmark. Just giant ass buckets of boiling water for people to sit naked in if they want (at one point some random dude helicoptered for the cameras which was ever so adorable). Then they went to an amusement park before sitting down to a BOMB ASS DINNER OF BURGERS AND FRIES THAT NEITHER OF THEM ATE. Eric opened up and told Rachel about his strained relationship with his mom and how he's never been in a serious relationship. Which, I'm not sure why this is an issue, the fact that he's never been in a serious relationship. Like, I've never swam in a pool of $100 bills but I feel I would enjoy it. Take risks, ya know.

Peter of the week goes to: Peter
For one of the group dates, Rachel had the guys participate in some Viking games and please look how ridiculous all of them look in these Lord of the Rings Forever21 knock-offs. Except for our little Prince Peter looking like Robin Hood. I know you think this is where I'll make some sort of disgusting joke like "I'd like him to rob my hood" and you know what, you're right. Even Rachel gets it. And anyway this continues to be my reaction to Peter every time he breathes:
How does no one on this show get mono?
I am in no way against kissing. Seriously. Ask my mom who told me in elementary school that I could not just chase boys on the playground and kiss them because of "germs." But like, there is so much spit swapping on this show. So much. How does no one have swollen glands yet? I feel like one cold could just take out this entire show.

And so anyway, that's how I spent four hours of my week. We're down to 6 guys though! There's light at the end of the tunnel! See you next week when I'm 100% positive we as a team will send home Adam and Matt.

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