Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 6)

This week's episode is brought to you by ALL OF THE DELICIOUS FOOD THAT WAS LEFT UNEATEN:

This was during the one group date, which began with Eric and the two white guys who work at Staples (Adam and Matt). Rachel eventually sent Matt home because she saw his two strands of hair blowing in the wind and realized she can't imagine helping him gel his combover. Then it came down to Adam and Eric and they sat at this nice table setting WHERE EVERYONE WAS GIVEN A PIECE OF CAKE. MOIST, DELICIOUS CAKE WITH STRAWBERRIES. Cake that despite its sacrifice to be featured as a treat, was not eaten. We will not forget you, cake.

This was even more infuriating. Rachel had an awkward as hell one-on-one date with Dean, aka deaniebabies on Instagram. The date mostly included her asking him serious, life questions and him responding by laughing or smiling or laugh smiling then ignoring the question to ask her instead what her favorite dinosaur is (I'm not making that up). Main takeaway of this date was they were served their own personal fondue with bread and other dippable carbs AND THEY ATE NONE OF IT. NONE. NONE OF THAT GOOEY CHEESE OR SOFT BREAD WAS EATEN. And you may be thinking, but Kristi, how do you know that? Bitch, this isn't my first rodeo. Anyone who has been to The Melting Pot knows that cheese drips all over the sides of the pot and shit. And it's glorious and amazing. AND RACHEL AND DEAN DID NOT PARTAKE. To be honest, I considered dropping the show on the spot, because I found this...grating. Honestly, you have got to...brie kidding me. They've really been...stringing me along. There's a real...wedge between us. I'm done wasting my cheesy jokes on this topic.

Leading man of the week/my life:
Necessary to point out that Prince Peter got the first one-on-one date and now the last. Just for reference, this continues to be my reaction to both his face and voice and body and general existence:
For their date, Rachel took him dog sledding in The Alps in absolutely freezing weather. Because if there's anything I want my potential husband to see, it's frozen snot on my face. Though, kudos to my girl for realizing they would need to stay close for you know, warmth and all. A key fact we learned is that even in freezing temperatures, Peter still melts my heart faster than butter on a hot biscuit.

ABC did that misleading promo shit again by featuring a clip of him saying "...and she has tears streaming down her face and it's because of me" before cutting to a clip of Rachel crying. WHEN IN REALITY NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. In actuality, during the "serious" portion of their date, Peter explained his last serious relationship and mentioned how when they broke up and he left, his ex was crying because dear God who would not cry forever about losing this silver fox. I'm not advocating children fixing anything but I would not be above entrapping Peter with a baby. You are not shocked by this revelation. I mean I can't be mindblowingly beautiful and intelligent AND have strong morals. 

Anyway, he was truthful with Rachel and essentially told her that he's on his way to being ready for marriage but at the moment he's not there. Which, like okay boo, take your time. We will wait like Rapunzel for decades until you're reading to climb up this braided ponytail. Rachel obviously gave him a rose.

BREAKING: I'm not a fan of Bryan
For their one-on-one, Rachel took Bryan to a Breitlings watch store where the man working was literally wearing rubber gloves to handle the watches as if they were Rose's necklace from Titanic. They tried on a bunch, then Rachel "bought" one for Bryan (read: ABC did). He then thanked her by squeezing her ears and eating her lips. Which is actually what he does about 96.5% of the time they're together.

Which, in a shocking turn of events, we learn that Bryan's last relationship began "really hot and heavy" and then basically his mom did not get along with the girl and it "fizzled out." Translation: Bryan is a horndog who wants to sex you up, but once his mommy says no, you gots to go. Rachel kept asking how he was this 37-year-old, successful guy and still single. So, anyway, now we know why and also that his mom is in charge of his Tinder swiping.

So it's back to working at the mall I guess
Because everyone was included in either a one-on-one or the group date (of 3 guys), Adam had to receive some screentime by default. This is honestly the most I've heard from him since he showed up Week 1 with this creepy ass doll:
And I don't want to dig up the past, but hand me that shovel. What the hell was she thinking keeping this guy around for so long? During their alone time, he proceeded to give this longass spiel about how "a part" of him was falling for her and he was ready for marriage and blah blah blah. I don't actually know how he managed to fall for Rachel when he talked to her for a combined total of 3 minutes over the past 6 weeks, but hey, who am I to judge. I'm in love with Zac Efron despite the fact he continues to "act." Love is a weird thing.

He continued to talk a lot, most of which I missed because he is one of those people who has spit accumulate in the corners of his mouth. You know exactly what I'm describing. I don't know if this is caused by too many teeth or too much dairy or what, but it's distracting. Also, he apparently thought everything was going swimmingly as he told Rachel, "I feel like tonight is the cherry on top of everything I've built up." Uh, everything he's built up? Is this alleged building made of clouds? Seemingly there but when you touch them POOF. 

Rachel swatted his cherry away and eventually sent him home, to which he said, "I don't want you to feel like, what if I kept Adam around? Would it be different?" This moment earned Rachel her Emmy because she held back from cackling in his face. And while The Bachelorette doesn't accept my recommendations for what Rachel should say to these troll guys, this would've been more applicable to the entire Adam ordeal:
I don't mean to lash out, but
My roommate Monica, who I have subjected to this entire season because torture can be lonely, pointed out Rachel's insane lashes. Now, y'all know I love Rachel. But how does she even manage to keep her eyes open with these bird wings on? How much of her vision is compromised? I mean, aside from the fact that she can use them to dust her computer's keyboard, what other purpose do they serve?

Anyway, onward to hometown dates! With our final four: Peter, Dean, Eric and Bryan. While I would like for Bryan to go next, promos make it seem like there's drama with him and Rachel in the next episode, and as we've learned, ABC lies to us. So, sadly, I think Eric will be next to go and we'll be left with Bryan's burning desire to eat Rachel's face.

Making a bold (not really) prediction that it'll be Peter and Dean in the finale. And I need for you to understand that if Peter does not make it to the finale, I will burn this place down. 

See you next week!

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