Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

I know it seems like I talk about the lack of eating/drinking all the time, but my dedicated efforts clearly paid off because this week's episode is brought to you by ERIC WHO ATE FROM A BOWL OF FRUIT DURING A DATE.

I'm sorry this isn't an action shot of him actually chewing the pineapple, but look at how he is lovingly staring at it. Nothing brought me greater satisfaction besides that time I popped a pimple and it literally disappeared before my eyes.

This week, Rachel brought the guys to Dallas to meet her fam, minus her dad who is a federal judge and obviously has no time for a ridic reality show.

Rachel's family loves Peter (shocker)
Honey Sticks is first to meet the fam and those hazel eyes set the bar pretty high. Before they head to her Texas-sized house, Rachel takes Peter baby clothes shopping because that never in the history of dating has made a man nervous after less than two months of "dating." Her sister is pregnant, so they buy some things for the new baby and her other nephew and anyway here's my reaction to seeing Peter shopping for baby clothes:
As if he needed any help in making him appealing to her family, he shows up with flowers for her mom and baby clothes for her sister. What if her sister wasn't pregnant? What gift would he have brought? I know if I was her, I'd want a bouquet of chicken nuggets. Or some bacon roses. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'D WANT BOTH. IT'S 2017 AND WOMEN HAVE RIGHTS.

After being the recipient of the last rose last week, he opens his eyes and finally tells Rachel that he's falling in love with her. Which, I mean, that isn't that big of an announcement in the grand scheme of things. Because, what does "falling" even mean. Is it a sliding scale? Like if a hot guy in a bar winks at me then sends over mozzarella sticks, I'd say I'm "falling in love." It kind of insinuates that "Hey, I could possibly be in love with you at some point or not, who knows which way I may fall." 

Anyway, this is what Rachel has been wanting to hear because our dear Peter has been keeping his emotions more guarded than the secret recipe to Olive Garden's breadsticks. 

He chats with her family and charms them, then has a more serious conversation with her mom. He tells her that he cares for Rachel and wants to continue a relationship with her after the show with the hopes of marriage, but that he's basically not ready to propose yet. Her mom appreciates this and the fact that it's the more realistic step toward a lasting relationship.

So at this point, Peter has charmed Rachel, her pregnant sister and her mom, who else is important may you ask? 

Eric('s beard) continues to woo my heart
First let me say that as Eric's facial hair grows, so does my love for him. Don't believe me? This is what he looks like now:
I haven't seen a beard cause my emotions to swing that much since I got my own beard surgically removed when I was 15. Back to the point. Eric opens up to Rachel's family and plays that ol' broken record of how he's never been in a serious relationship or in love before. This show treats him like he's never had Pop-Tarts before, which I would honestly have a bigger issue with. Because how can one understand deep, meaningful love if they have not experienced a Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tart? THEY CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED. 

Anyway, Rachel's cousins say that Eric is "really sweet and really sincere," which we all know is a one-way ticket to Friend Zone City. Her whole family seems to like Eric, but maybe not LIKE LIKE him for Rachel. This is very much the case with Rachel's sister Constance who is hesitant about him because of his lack of relationship experience and the fact that his longest relationship was 8 months.

But he doesn't let this deter him and eventually asks her mom for her permission to propose at the end of the show. Her mom provides an eloquent response but the gist of it is this: "I mean if Rachel chooses you, then like whatevs, sure."

Sleazy Bryan remains sleazy
Bryan first gets to meet Rachel's friends for "brunch," which actually just consists of mimosas (though many scientists agree that is the only component required for something to be considered brunch). He continues to ooze sleazy charm on them and it seems to work as they both tell Rachel they like him. Are these girls actually her friends? Because first off, this is how every close girlfriend should look when meeting a best friend's partner for the first time:
YOU HAVE TO BE SKEPTICAL AS HELL. And not just because you've seen your best friend throw up at a bar then fall in it and think she smells fine. But rather, because you want the best for her! And not some sketch ass guy like Bryan who claims to have fallen for Rachel within a week. Which, speaking of, here's Constance's reaction to Bryan in general once he comes to meet the fam:
Constance has zero time for Bryan's BS. She tells Rachel that he lacks a sincerity factor and seems like too much of a charmer. Actually, all of Rachel's family is immediately turned off by his fake ass and they grill him during lunch, causing him to make this dumbass face:
Rachel was kind of pissed at them for being so hard on him but like GIRL THAT'S WHAT FAMILY IS FOR. If not to scare the shit out of a potential suitor, then what? Anyway, Bryan still asked Rachel's mom permission to propose and she gave an even more disguised answer than Eric's: "I trust her judgment, so you have my blessing to build on your love" (Translation: If Rachel's dumbass chooses you, I will be very disappointed and also upset, but whatevs). 

And we're off to Spain for Fantasy Suites!
Y'all, that tiny ass suitcase is what Rachel brought for two weeks in Spain. TWO WEEKS. I need for ABC to show me how many bags she actually brought because this is clearly a lie. As a reference point, here's what I bring on a typical weekend trip:
Eric is up first and they have dinner and fancy wine in what appears to be a Game of Thrones castle, which as it turns out, it is! Their date took place in the city where Dragonstone's scenes were filmed. Sadly, GoT wrapped filming in February and The Bachelorette didn't start til March, making timing the only reason why we won't see Rachel and the guys riding dragons.
Eric tells Rachel that Spain is the most romantic place he's ever been to, which like slow your roll. He's clearly never been first in line at Bojangles for breakfast to get some freshly baked Bo-Berry biscuits. That is one of the most wonderful things you will ever experience in your entire life. And also after because I've prayed on it and Jesus agrees.

Anyway, they chat about his meeting with her family and no one pays attention to these fluffy and perfect yeast rolls:
He then tells her that he's falling in love with her and she invites him to the Fantasy Suite. They retire for the night to I assume, watch a marathon of Freddie Prinze Jr. movies while lightly snacking on pancakes, meatball subs and truffle fries. Because if ABC has the gall to call it a "Fantasy Suite" those things sure as hell better be included.

Next up is Peter. Rachel takes him to some cave for a wine tasting with this precious old man who tells them he's been with his wife for 57 years, then proceeds to sing to them. 
He gifts them their own private mini wine cellar stocked with wine. You know, just a regular, every day date. After checking out their locker of wine, they go outside to stomp grapes like an episode of "I Love Lucy."
I'm assuming these grapes were not made into wine because I don't know if I want to pay for wine made from make-out grapes. Not when there's a perfectly good bag of Franzia right here.

They take one of their wine locker bottles of wine to dinner where the deep discussion begins. In beating a dead horse, Peter reiterates that he is not ready to propose. There's nothing a girl loves hearing more, over and over again, than her boyfriend declaring he does not want to marry her. In response, Rachel reiterates that she wants a proposal at the end of this show. 

They're both not willing to compromise on their marriage thoughts and they sit in silence thinking "Wtf do we do now" before Rachel starts crying and then of course the episode ends. GASP. 

Will Rachel ask Peter to the Fantasy Suite? Will they sort out their marriage disagreement? Will my brain explode before this show ends? Find out next week!

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