Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Let's chat about "The Men Tell All"

This week's post is brought to you by Rachel's face making this expression because it so perfectly encapsulates my feeling on TWO HOURS of the "men" allegedly "telling all."
They spent the first 15 minutes reliving moments from past "Tell All" episodes, which was honestly akin to a 45-year-old finance bro talking about his glory days as the high school quarterback. 

The main takeaway from these flashbacks to past seasons was that the only REAL "Tell All's" happen during seasons of The Bachelor because the ladies always have real tea to spill. These dudes are boring as hell. And I'm not saying it's because the guys are garbage and as deep as a thin crust pizza, but I mean if the pepperoni fits. 

As a random aside, I've realized Chris Harrison has kind of small hands. Small hands are something I am extremely, EXTREMELY creeped out by. And there is no weird sexual innuendo BS associated with this, I am just flat out concerned about people whose hands are not proportional to their bodies. In college, I sat behind a small-handed guy and he'd always put his hand around the seat next to him, providing me with a full close-up of his petite paws and anyway here's how I remember them:
I wouldn't have noticed, but Chris kept flailing his tiny hands around and my eyes could not help but focus on their small, yet deliberate motions. Looking back at the screenshots I took, they don't look that small but I swear they did in the moment. My eyes are specifically trained to be on high alert for the circus-like threat of small hands.

DeMario is still a lying dumbass
I randomly captured this image and it's just hilarious because look at his dumb face. They discussed his dramatic exit after Rachel found out he had a girlfriend just before coming on the show, an event that if we may recall introduced us to Demario's gf, Scrunchie Susie:
Never forget. DeMario proceeded to attempt to lie again about his relationship with Scrunchie, but as we've learned, he is about as good at lying as a slotted spoon is at scooping up soup. He called her a "random chick," adding that by Rachel and Chris' logic, he's also dating Rihanna and Beyonce. WHICH, BACK THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW. How dare his lying ass use our Lord and Saviors' names in vain like that. 

Rachel swatted away his attempt at lying, noting, once again, that he dated this woman for six months. To which he stuttered, then called Scrunchie a side chick and insinuated she was only a booty call by quoting The Weeknd's lyrics "I only call you when it's half past five." These pop culture references were all extremely random but at this point his mouth was spewing more poo than that scene in Bridesmaids. He then made some sort of Bill Clinton and Monica reference and anyway all we learned is that DeMario is still an idiot. But we are forever grateful for him making Rachel send him home like this:
Lee attempted to save face, but is still an ignorant racist
The Kenny-Lee issue was of course brought up and at first, Kenny didn't outright call out Lee for essentially targeting him, Eric and Josiah. Instead, he says that Lee was "not really on the same level as the other guys" (read: Lee's level is below scum). 

Lee tries to slip on his "hey I'm a good guy, I'm just misunderstood" mask and admits that Kenny did not pull him out of a van, something that he repeatedly told Rachel and something he used as "evidence" for Kenny being "aggressive." Lee also adds that he's facetious and makes jokes at inappropriate times when he's "uncomfortable." Which, as a PSA in case you were confused: Jokes are funny but racism is not. Lee's past tweets, which are overtly sexist and racist, were also brought up. Anthony, Josiah, Will and Kenny all attempted to get Lee to simply admit his tweets were racist and that he was in the wrong. Lee replied by trying to play the ol' "I don't even know who that person was then" card, which boy bye. He finally said "I denounce that tweet and I know it is offensive" while also trying to say that the tweet was from a longer Facebook post that was cut off. A half-assed apology that's pretty similar to when someone apologizes by saying "I'm sorry that you thought that I said..."

Bottom line: Lee skirted the issue, didn't outright admit to his actions and probably won't change who he is. It's clear he came on the show to attempt to save face, but we all know he's still a very particular breed of ignoramus. We also learned that ignorant racists have horrendous fashion (which, duh) based on this navy suit, black vest, cerulean shirt combo. I guess it's hard to match your clothes when your vision is clouded with so much stupidity.  
As if we didn't already know, Kenny is a precious dad
Chris surprised Kenny by bringing out his daughter, which was too cute. He cried a little of course because Kenny has human emotions (something I cannot relate to). It was a real, precious moment in the middle of this hot garbage show, which was refreshing. They also gave them a trip to Disney Land to celebrate Kenny's birthday, which to be honest, might actually be better than getting engaged.

Thank God they identified some of the guys
Because to be honest I was still like "Who is that?" Even Rachel admitted to them being strangers by saying she wished she could've spent more time with Adam and Matt. They're both like that one guy in the boyband who can't really sing or dance but nevertheless is in the group (looking at you Chris Kirkpatrick).

Dean got a new wig
Can someone scientifically explain how Dean swoops his hair because what. I haven't seen a hair swoop so perplexing since 90210's Brandon Walsh, which wait, does Dean look like Jason Priestley? I can't actually tell because the fumes from the mousse and hairspray and gel are leaving me in a state of confusion.
As a note, I was in elementary school when 90210 was on TV, which was obviously the normal age for someone to be watching a teen soap. And one summer while in Hawaii with my fam, we happened upon them filming episodes and I distinctly remember being upset that I did not have my Lisa Frank notebook for Ian Zierling and Tori Spelling to sign. This event formed the basis for my teen angst along with the realization that no boy in high school looks like Luke Perry.

Anyway, back to Dean. He told Rachel, again, that he was confused at her sending him home just days after telling him she was falling in love with him. She says that she was truthful and did have strong feelings for him (we can all hear the hanging "buuuuut" there). I wish she would've just admitted "Yeah Deaniebabies I liked you a lot, but have you seen Peter?" 

All of our feelings on Dean are moot anyway because as it turns out, he is also a flaming pile of garbage, and not just because he agreed to be on Bachelor in Paradise. A girl posted a pic with him on IG, captioning it "Went black, but came back," obviously referencing this moment when Dean first met Rachel:

And Dean validated his dumbass nature with the reply "Lololol at the caption." Thankfully, our queen Rachel came through with a short and sweet reply:
Can someone get Dean a lifetime supply of aloe because this burn may never heal. Rachel casually rolling through, snatching every wig in her vicinity and anyway, here's to you Dean.
And so that was 120 minutes of my life that I'll never get back, but we did learn something amazing and spectacular: THE FINALE IS NEXT WEEK. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, Y'ALL. WE HAVE FINALLY MADE IT.

See you then when we toss this baby bird out of the nest!

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