Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Let's chat about The Bachelorette Finale

If you're reading this, it's already too late (thanks Drake). Rachel chose Bryan and everything is terrible. I want to begin this post by stating that this was the first time I watched a Bachelor/Bachelorette finale and dear God I did not know this was the TV version of Moby Dick. THREE HOURS. THREE. 180 MINUTES.

And honestly, I have not felt more disappointed after watching 3 hours of something since I paid money to see Avatar (I will never get over the premise of them having "sex" through their ponytails).

Before we address the messy live show portions, let's revisit Rachel's final dates with the guys.

Any suite is a fantasy with Peter (ew I'm gross)
The episode picks up where we left off two weeks ago with Rachel and Peter beating a dead horse over the "not being ready to propose" issue. At this point, it's very clear that Rachel only wants a ring (man giving the ring is optional) and Peter only wants to propose once and takes proposing very seriously. He thinks it's kookoo for Cocoa Puffs to propose after knowing someone for three months while Rachel stares at him with this expression:
They go round and round where each of them says the same thing but with different inflection points and eventually Rachel is like this is dumb let's go to the Fantasy Suite (bow chicka wow wow).

Which, duh, of course she asks Peter to go to the Fantasy Suite, we should all ask him. I know I slide into his DM's every day inquiring about it. She thinks that she'll then "have clarity in the morning" to which I have many inappropriate jokes about, but my initial thoughts were YES GIRL, TAKE HIM INTO THE FANTASY SUITE FOR "CLARITY."
Anyway, they wake up the next morning after a night of innocently reading classical literature and watching Freddie Prinze Jr. movies and the producers tease us by showing us Peter's bare back but no chest/abs shot, which to be honest is rude. I know it seems like I'm objectifying Peter but that is only because I am and I've endured months of this show so I think I deserve something. Also I don't know what he's cooking, but serve me a plate of it. I feel there's a chance it's like scrambled Gatorade with Cheerios because as we've learned, God doesn't give with both hands.
This one Fantasy Suite evening basically Men in Black erases their memories about how they want different things for the future and they leave the date feeling all happy and giddy. Dramz is obviously to come.

Rachel then spends her date with Bryan thinking about Peter
Because, duh. She claims it's because Peter got in her head. Okay and I know you want me to make the cheap, easy joke here and say "yeah got in her head and also her bed" and anyway yes that's exactly what I'm saying. And let me be very clear: I am not shaming her. I am literally giving her a standing ovation. 

So while Bryan is blabbing about cheek implants or light washed jeans or whatever it is he talks about, she's making this face, thinking about Peter:
Coincidentally enough, this is the exact face I make when trying to figure out when I should get a side of fries or a side of tater tots or both.

She obviously asks Bryan to the Fantasy Suite and they feed each other strawberries the next morning and honestly who cares because they did not eat the bacon. Here Rachel contemplates her tragic life decision to not eat the bacon.

Gee, I wonder who she sends home next
Poor Eric. Tells a girl he loves her for the first time only for Rachel to be like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," which inflicts more heart pain than when you've poured a luxurious bowl of Fruity Pebbles only to find the milk carton in the fridge has tricked you and only contains fumes of milk. But he's sweet, and thanks for her teaching him about love and letting him love her and that he will probably always love her, which omg pull at my rusty heart strings.

Chris then brings out Eric to the live show and we all stare in awe of his revenge beard.
Look, I generally save my loudest woo's for groups of Marines running by in those tiny green shorts, but Eric elicited one. He and Rachel exchanged pleasantries and he confessed how surprised he was when she sent him home because he was sure she would send Peter home since he was so against proposing. To summarize, Rachel responds with "It's not that I didn't love you...it's just that damn did you see how hot Peter was, omg, you understand right?" She also says it's hard to see him now, likely because he's hotter than a bag of bearded habanero peppers on fire.

Back to the final dates
Rachel takes Bryan on a hot air balloon and I don't remember much of this because once he appeared in some 80's light-washed jeans and a leather jacket, I was done with him.
Based on what I've seen this season, I imagine the majority of Bryan's "casual" clothes are dad clothes from the 80s with a few "trendy" items (like those God-forsaken jogger pants) sprinkled in so he feels hip. This was the point that I started to realize perhaps Rachel isn't as smart as I thought she was. As young women, we all learned that you never let a man wearing light-washed jeans and a leather jacket kiss you.

Okay also, I was generally confused about the temperature because Rachel showed up wearing this:
A crop top with two jackets? Where is she? Honolulu, Alaska? This is very confusing because the only time I Winnie the Pooh out with my belly is at a buffet and I don't see any trays of mashed potatoes near her, so I guess Spain has the type of weather that makes your arms and back really cold but your stomach hot. 

Fashion aside, they had a pleasant final date. He tells her it would be a mistake to not pick him, which no, we've already established the only mistake is that light-washed jeans + leather jacket combo. He also says that if he loses her, it will be the biggest loss in his life. Clearly the man has never experienced saving the last perfect nacho chip, full of guacamole and carnitas and sour cream and salsa, only to drop said chip, shattering every dream you've ever had.

But like, when you say you don't want to propose, what do you mean
Let me give you a recap of the conversation Rachel and Peter have for 500 hours during their final date:

Peter: I'm not ready to propose.
Rachel: Okay, but what do you mean?
Peter: That I'm not ready to propose.
Rachel: But like, what does that mean?

Things get very emotional and Peter tells Rachel that he loves her but he's still not ready to propose but wants to be with her and can't lose her because they have a future together. She then says her trademarked line, "I came here for a fiance, not a boyfriend" and then they both JT cry me a river and it's all very upsetting.
After they've had the same discussion 494 more times, they end the night with this odd "break-up." It was all very confusing because it seems like they're breaking up, but then they make out a bunch, and then Rachel leaves and Peter cries more and then they cut to the live show where Chris Harrison is all like "So they broke up." It's like when Game of Thrones abruptly ends every week and you're just sitting there covered in Cheeto dust and all you can say is WHAT?

They then bring Peter out, and to be honest, I was still in disbelief, thinking the producers were playing with us and Peter is gonna come out and propose and be like "jk jk y'all, we're in love." But this doesn't happen, instead we get this tension-filled reunion:
We learn two very important things from their reunion:

1) Rachel is clearly salty as hell over Peter not proposing (ha that sux Bryan) and says "I'm living my best life" which is exactly what a person who is not living their best life says.

2) DAMN, PETER IS STILL FINE AS HELL. One last gif reaction to him because I don't think I've made it clear how I feel about him:
In her quest to be more salty than some cured meats, she then says that the whole Bachelor/Bachelorette "process" is not for Peter. READ: RACHEL IS STRAIGHT UP TRYING TO SABOTAGE PETER'S CHANCES AT BEING THE BACHELOR. Which is so rude because I've already filmed portions of my audition tape and I cannot return any of these gowns.

So we say bye to Peter and at this point I was still thinking he'd return and be like "omg jk we're together!" because I'm an optimist who was hoping I would not have to be exposed to Bryan's cheek implants again.

Oh Bryan, you're still here? K cool, you can propose
Do they always make the couple trek 100 miles to some castle atop Mt. Everest for the finale? How the hell did Rachel even get to the top with those shoes? If the producers made me walk uphill wearing some heavy ass bejeweled gown in some stiletto heels I would honestly pass on the whole engagement part. Like, can we just do it right here by the car where I can slide out and slide back in.

Anyway, Bryan is all who's left and so in a shocking turn of events, Rachel chooses Bryan! This is like when someone brings in assorted cookies and in the beginning there's amazing choices like chocolate chip, double chocolate chip and macadamia nut, but because you were trying to take a pic of a one-legged pigeon outside you return to find all that remains is fucking oatmeal raisin. Bryan is Rachel's oatmeal raisin. Peter was her Levain cookie. Which, for all of you non-New Yorkers, this is a Levain cookie:
To make matters worse, Oatmeal Raisin gives her a pear-shaped engagement ring. PEAR SHAPED. The only thing we as women want to receive that is pear-shaped is an actual pear. Trust me, I've polled every human woman.
So he proposes and no one cares and it's all just a poot in the wind. Which, speaking of wind, they seemed to be in the middle of a hurricane or something. God was quite literally trying to stop the proposal from happening.
I mean, between you and me, I've chatted with God a few times this season and he's always been like "Yooo, I hope it's Peter in the end. He's so dreamy." How do you argue with God.

So Bryan proposed because he was the last crumbly cookie left and Rachel obviously said yes and Bryan celebrated by squeezing Rachel's head like a melon. How many zits do you think he's caused her this season by constantly touching her face? 
In continuing the downward spiral, Bryan then joined Rachel on the live show and I'm not including photos because it was just more of Bryan melon squeezing her. When asked about their future plans, Rachel said "We're just taking things slow and taking time to get to know each other." BITCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME. YOU MEAN THE THING PETER WANTED TO DO.
And so this was how my hundred-year journey with this show ended. As you all know, I really liked Rachel in the beginning. She seemed smart, has an amazing career and great family, but damn girl way to ruin it in the end. Her ending with Bryan is like if Michael Phelps was leading a race and just meters away from the finish decided to eat a box of donuts. Unsettling to say the least.

I'll wrap this up by stating the things I am certain of in life:

1) Danity Kane's debut album is the greatest masterpiece in the history of music
2) TLC's opening song to "All That" is the best opener in the history of television
3) Rachel is in love with Peter and only chose Bryan because he would propose

From the depths of my Ursula heart, thank you for enduring this season with me! I'm proud of us for making it. Currently deciding if I should go down with this ship and watch Bachelor in Paradise, so we'll see. Also, find me here if you're interested in my musings in 140 characters or less.

See you later this month for the MTV VMA's! And maybe next week for the Teen Choice Awards, I haven't decided if I'm going yet with my date, Shawn Mendes, who is 18 and a legal adult.

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