Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

Excuse the major delay in this week's thoughts, I was extremely busy dedicating some time to reintroducing my skin to sunlight.

This week's episode is brought to you by the countless drinks Rachel doesn't drink while chatting with the guys' families.

I don't actually understand why the producers make her have a drink in her hands at all times. Like the uneaten food, all I do is WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT. Sorry, DJ Khaled outburst. All I do is stare at these glasses that are sometimes filled with whiskey or wine that NO ONE EVER DRINKS OUT OF. Are they even real drinks? Does the production crew get to drink them? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Anyway, to the hometown dates.

Baltimore with Eric

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So Eric brought Rachel home to Baltimore while wearing this denim getup which I was unsure of at the beginning and also at the end and also in between that. But, he had this scruff situation going on which I think made me love him?

So before meeting his family, Rachel and Eric played a friendly game of one-on-one because there's nothing more you want to do while wearing skinny jeans and heels than play basketball.

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Have you ever exerted yourself while wearing skinny jeans? It's hot as hell. The pants create some sort of leg sauna, seemingly causing the jeans to melt into your skin. It's a difficult science to explain but let's just say my legs have absorbed many pairs of tight pants.

So they played basketball, then Eric brought Rachel to his aunt's place to meet his family. She chatted with his aunt and his mom and did not drink her drinks with either of them, and all in all it was a pretty sweet hometown date. His family was really welcoming and they all seemed to get along pretty great.

Before Rachel left, Eric told her that recently he's been thinking "I really love this girl" and followed that up by mansplaining "What I mean by that is I really care for you a lot." This is kind of confusing because is he saying he loves her or just cares for her? Does he like her or does he LIKE her? I AM STRESSED.

Miami with Bryan

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Bryan welcomed Rachel to Miami by clenching her head and performing CPR on her face. Full disclosure here: I do not like Bryan and to be honest this hometown date kind of confirmed that. Between what appear to be cheek implants and his kind of Disney villain eyebrows, I just don't get the best vibes. And not just because he needs his mom's approval for everything, but let's dive into that.

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During Rachel's chat with Bryan's mom Olga, in which she did not drink her drink, Olga told Rachel "If you do not make him happy, I will kill you." And while Rachel laughed uncomfortably, I'm 120% sure his mom means this. The whole meeting was a little odd. She also told Rachel that Bryan is her life and that by marrying him, she's marrying his family.

Also, before all of this, the whole family took tequila shots which is of course a great idea to do when you're meeting a guy's family for the first time. I personally am not allowed to partake in tequila shots because I will take my top off. Literally off one shot. To be honest, this would make for a pretty funny scene for the show. Chatting with the whole family while being topless and no one acknowledges it. NO ONE TAKE THIS IDEA.

Bryan also became the first guy to outright say "I love you" to Rachel. A declaration she couldn't return because duh, it's still a competition, and also because he then immediately ate her lips after saying it. 

Okay all of this aside, including the fact that Bryan's mom would like for him to never marry anyone ever, my biggest issue with the hometown date was Bryan's outfit.

Important to note that this is actually how Rachel greeted all of the guys. I've never ran into a guys arms and had him pick me up (while sober) but I can't imagine it would end well. Partially because I'm built like a bag of cement so if the sheer force of me running at him doesn't take him out, I'm pretty sure my huge calves squeezing his core would. Back to the point: Bryan's wearing some wack ass polo from the clearance rack at Express and some of those dumbass jogger pants with the elastic bottoms. What is the point of the elastic? And please don't say fashion. Are guys afraid that they'll eat so much that their ankles will expand? 

Bottom line: Bryan reminds me of Gaston from Beauty & The Beast and I constantly wonder if his cheeks will deflate if I poke them with a pin.

Madison with Peter

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THOSE DRINKS ARE LITERALLY PROPS. THEY DID NOT DRINK THEM. Peter brought Rachel home to good ol' Madison, Wisconsin and introduced her to four of his good friends. They sat around their full glasses and Peter told the group about how he "accidentally" grabbed Rachel's butt on their first date which is how every solid relationship starts if you ask me. When I see a guy I like, I mostly just walk around him sticking my butt out, waiting for it to be grabbed. Because little do men know that once you grab the butt, I grab your heart. OHHHHH DAMN.

Anyway, they also walked around the market and ate pickles and honey sticks, which is my new pet name for Peter. Then they headed to his parents house to meet the fam and his niece was there and he was an adorable uncle and blah blah you know my feelings on Honey Sticks.

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We then continued this dance of Peter saying he may not be ready to propose during the finale in a couple weeks. And his mom reiterated this to Rachel, saying he'll be ready to "commit to a future" but perhaps not a marriage right then.

Brace yourselves, I'm about to get critical of Prince Peter: WTF? Peter knew the premise of this show before coming on right? There have literally been 150 seasons, all of which end in the guys going ring shopping before proposing. This is not a surprise, like oh we're trying something new this season where we end it with an engagement! Bitch the show started with Rachel saying she's looking for a husband. She's not trying to be in some sort of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell situation. 

Anyway, despite all of this, Peter remains my number 1 and because you're wondering, here's what my angle would look like if I was a camera person on the show.

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Denver with Dean

Dean welcomed Rachel to Denver wearing what I can only describe as maroon yoga pants. I have to assume they're stretchy leggings because he wore them while they rode ATVs. I don't know about you, but I can't sneeze while wearing non-stretchy, tight pants without them exploding like the Hulk's shorts. 

So they rode ATVs, then sat in this field and had champagne, as one does in the middle of a field, and Dean explained he hadn't seen his dad in 2 years. And that he is now a converted Sikh who goes by the name Paramroop. Rachel asks what she should call him, to which Dean says, "Paramroop." So, that clears that up.

Walking up to his dad's house, Dean is noticeably nervous and keeps saying "This is going to be awful," which always makes a girl feel good ahead of meeting her boyfriend's family. Anyway, they get inside and exchange pleasantries and then Paramroop decides to "play" the gong for everyone.

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They then all eat some sort of mungbean food situation before Paramroop asks to speak with Dean alone. Dean and his dad chat and things turn sour pretty quick when Dean basically tells his dad that he wasn't there for him after his mom died. Paramroop doesn't wanna hear that and walks out of the house. Rachel then tries to talk to him for a bit and he starts to talk to her then seems to notice the cameras again and walks away.

Bottom line: Dean has serious unresolved issues with his dad, but his dad is like "the past is the past, let's eat this organic quinoa."

In the end, Rachel sends Dean home. And not even for when he said this:

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Rather, I'm pretty sure she decided to send him home after seeing that he did not know how to use a bubble umbrella correctly.

THE POINT OF A BUBBLE UMBRELLA IS TO HOLD IT LIKE A BUBBLE AROUND YOU. AINT NO REASON TO ANGLE IT, THAT LITERALLY LETS THE RAIN IN. WTF.

Poor Deaniebabies. I wish they showed a compilation video of "best of" clips like they do when someone is eliminated from American Idol. Set to some sadass song. ABC continues to ignore the countless letters I've sent with show suggestions, written out with cut out letters like a ransom note.

So we're down to 3! Peter, Eric and gross ass Bryan. Next week, the guys get to meet Rachel's family and I have faith that her mom will weed Bryan out (ironic, isn't it). 

See you then!