Monday, June 19, 2017

Much Ado about the 2017 Much Music Video Awards

Because I am a woman of the world (and also because there was a free, easily accessible livestream), I decided to watch the iHeartRadio Much Music Video Awards, which are basically Canada's VMAs. I thought this would be an interesting trip into new territory where I'm not just yelling about Chrissy Teigen and Beyonce.

I didn't watch the red carpet because truth be told, I was watching "The Handmaid's Tale." There's nothing I enjoy more than watching depressing, post-apocalyptic shows before watching a bunch of celebs parade around.

Additionally, I did not attend this year because I am banned from entering Canada until 2090 due to a misunderstanding involving me and Drake and some Canadian geese and poutine. But, this is how I imagine I would've shown up looking like:
Shay Mitchell's acting is kind of like trying to eat soup with a slotted spoon. Terrible, unfulfilling and confusing. BUT, she is gorgina and shows up to events looking like this with flawless ass brows and to be honest, we are all the girl on the far right of this pic.

How I established this show was worthwhile:
If Tatiana Maslany showed up to an awards show honoring goldfish, I'd live tweet it then write a long in-depth piece about the social issues goldfish face. She remains so underappreciated for her work on "Orphan Black" because (I yell about this every few months) SHE PLAYS EVERY MAJOR CHARACTER. In case you've never seen, here's a quick summary of each week's episode: Tatiana Maslany is in danger so she calls Tatiana Maslany to help her. Elsewhere, Tatiana Maslany is dealing with family issues when she discovers her long-lost sister, Tatiana Maslany. RECAP: SHE IS AMAZING. Anyway, she showed up wearing some retirement home loungewear because bad bitches do what they want.

Now playing; Black Swan, Part II

Okay, first off, y'all know I like Camila Cabello. This girl can sing and she recently did something so brave that I admire her so much for -- got bangs. But this performance scared the shit out of me. The dancers all looked like creepy, ghost ballet robots. If there's one thing I hate more than ghosts, it's ghost ballet robots (they're so light on their feet, you can't hear them coming!). And they all had this weird lion face make-up that was seemingly applied at a kid's birthday party. As I've mentioned before, I like "Crying in the Club" (the song not the act) and could imagine blasting it from my 2004 Honda Prelude in high school (the ultimate sign of a banger). But, I have to establish a line somewhere and that line is ghost ballets.

Speaking of things that creep me out:
Not all of DNCE, just the guy on the left. Look, I'm sure Lenny is a great guy (I don't know his actual name, but he looks like a Lenny). But that hair in combination with that face in combination with the way he moves and breathes makes him seem like a lost character from the backwoods of the first season of True Detective. I feel like he's someone who whispers a lot and I fucking hate whispering because it's both inefficient and also leaves your ear feeling damp. Ain't nobody got time for damp ears.

Quick note since we're discussing DNCE. I will never understand any sexual attraction to Joe Jonas. And you all know I love my pretty boys (winking at you Zac Efron). My dislike for him stems from one thing: He has really big thighs. Like thunder thighs. I don't mean this in a body shaming way. I mean that I have thunder thighs and only one of us in the relationship can have Popeye's Chicken Thighs and that's me. So, my subconscious being the good friend it is, went ahead and made him as unappealing to me as fat free mayonnaise.

How old is Niall Horan again?

I'm feeling very conflicted because I understand he's a little One Direction boy, but that red hair poof and those cutesy blue eyes. He is Irish as hell and my last name tells me that I am too so I guess I have this biological desire to marry him and move to a whiskey farm and grow crops of Lucky Charms. I told you, I'm very well-read on other cultures. (Also, I looked it up and he's 23, so you can't add this to the list of things that make me creepy)

Can we talk more about Julia Michaels
Okay, so first off she's like 24 and has already written songs for Bieber, Selena Gomez, John Legend, Britney and Fifth Harmony. So any annoying song that has gotten stuck in your head, she likely wrote it. She only released her own song "Issues" last year and her voice is crazier than that time Michael Jordan thought he could play baseball. If T.Swift is a batch of vanilla cupcakes (which, she is) than Julia is a batch of fresh brownies with walnuts and flecks of gold and whipped cream and fireworks and a G5 jet bursting out of them. Take some time to listen to "Issues" and "Uh Huh' while you're at it.

Break me off Apa-iece of that
If you haven't watched Riverdale yet, it's likely because I am their primary PR manager and I just haven't reached you yet. The cast is beautiful only made ridiculous by the fact that they are in "high school." And there's drama and milkshakes and pregnancies and basically everything you've ever seen in a CW show. For the most part, I hate KJ Apa's character (Archie) because there is LITERALLY a murderer in the town and people dying and all he cares about is his Troy Bolton dilemma of "Should I pursue my music or keep playing sports?" But, let's not be irrational. His face (read: body) is great to look at. And he's Australian! I've never really put much thought into it on a Monday, but I wouldn't mind moving to Sydney to live on a ranch and raise kangaroos and eat shrimp on the barbie (again, I am so cultured) because look at this face!

Baseball couture is in!
I don't know where Iggy Azalea has been for the past few years, but anyway, she's popped back into our lives dressed as a yellow baseball. How hard do you think it is for her to go to the bathroom? Like do they have to untie all of the side stitching or does she just have a catheter and pee bag attached to her leg? These are the fashion mysteries we the people want the answers to!

Lorde of the Rings
The week leading into the show cemented my love for Lorde when she revealed that she has been running an Instagram account to rate onion rings. And everyone knows that adding an onion ring connoisseur to my girl gang has been top priority the entire year.

Anyway, she closed out the show and appeared on stage in some TLC "Don't Go Chasin' Waterfalls" silk pajamas, which we all know is my preferred Casual Friday wear:
Then she got sassy and took off the pajama top and a teen choir appeared onstage and I'm sure there was a metaphor or bigger artistic picture here, but the only picture I remembered was this:
Every single one of you can relate to this moment because it's what you look like when you're dancing in front of a full-length mirror to Beyonce's "7/11" or "Formation" or "Sorry" or literally any Beyonce song. If you haven't danced while making a face like you've just smelled Bigfoot's diaper nearby, you haven't really danced. Loved the performance and her new album "Melodrama" is pretty great, so grab some onion rings and give it a listen.

Thanks for the memories, Canada! Me and this guy will see you in 2090!

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