Monday, January 30, 2017

2017 SAG Awards in the bag

I enjoy the SAG Awards more than the Oscars. YEAH I SAID IT, GRAB YOUR TOP HAT. The show is usually around two hours long and things move pretty smoothly from major category to major category, which, I know, I'm offending anyone who enjoys watching the race for "Best Use of Eyelash Glue in an Action and/or Sci-Fi Movie," so sorry.

This means that the actual red carpet is literally the same length as the show, which, as a person of balance, I love.

First things first (I'm the realest). This is another awards show that makes the mistake of wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on this strange thing called "carbs." This year featured 3200 homemade breadsticks. How do they even know that's the exact number? How do they know some rogue woman didn't sneak into the back bakery and eat 100 of those magic sticks ahead of the show?

Bread aside, the specialty cocktails this year featured vodka in one and tequila in the other, amounting to around 120 bottles of booze. Meryl ended up using tequila as a chaser for the vodka and anyway no one knows where 85 of the bottles went.

On the red carpet, Giuliana and I continued our tortured relationship wherein she says things like "amazeballs" and I restrain myself from tossing my TV out the window. It would seem our lil' G has discovered the 1995 magic of self-tanner and has dove head first (literally). Watching her reminded me of this news article I read last year about a seagull that fell into a vat of chicken tikka masala, dying its feathers orange. Anyway, you tell me who wore it better:

Best dresses
Orange birds aside, I thought 98% of the fashion this year was lovely, with these being my favorites:

1. I imagine Brie Larson was wearing sweatpants and Cheetos an hour before the show, before getting a text from JLaw to remind her about making an appearance. Then she casually dabbed her face with Fairy Godmother fairy dust and slipped into this custom Jason Wu dress that she happened to have in her closet. ALL WITHOUT GETTING CHEETO FINGERS ON IT. This woman is a hero.

2. I can think of exactly zero times I've seen Kerry Washington looking less than flawless. This woman could have the flu, a migraine, pink eye, recent wisdom teeth surgery and a Will-Smith-in-Hitch allergic reaction and still win every single red carpet. I'm not normally one for strapless dresses and grandma-curtain lace, but I love this. 

3. Michelle Williams is like a precious baby bird, but in this dress, she is a fancy ass, shiny baby bird. I love the metallics and the 90s choker and her make-up is always so simple yet elegant and anyway this is my bid to join hers and Busy's friend group. More on #MiBusy later.

4. Y'ALL, SOPHIE TURNER'S GLO-UP THOUGH. Remember when we all hated Sansa on Game of Thrones and to make matters worse she was kind of strange looking? Then out of nowhere she was a badass and fed Ramsay to his dogs and we were all like YOOO. My point here being her red carpet game has been pretty solid the past couple years and this year was no exception. The red dress! The bold lip color! Those old Hollywood waves! I'm only disappointed in her decision to couple with Joe Jonas and his thunder thighs. Maturity is an ever evolving trait.

This is the most important US-UK partnership
There is only one couple (I think you know who) I involuntarily pterodactyl screech for more than Emily Blunt and John Krasinski. They are the couple who will repopulate the earth after the apocalypse and I didn't even make that up, we all voted on it last year because of impending worries. On this topic, I continue to reiterate that Emily Blunt deserves some sort of award this season for so believably portraying a terrible looking drunk ass fool. Do you know how hard it is to be drunk for months? Very. I myself have only done it twice but had to stop due to causing a french fry famine.

Mahershala Ali invented the white suit
I haven't voiced this enough, but I would like to marry Mahershala Ali. This thought first struck me when I saw him in House of Cards and it has stuck with me since then which must mean it's a formidable thought. Most men opt for black or navy suits for shows, which is fine if you're Ryan Gosling, but otherwise it's kind of boring. But Mahershala in this white suit. Seeing him elicited one of those "That's So Raven" moments, where I flashed forward into our future to see that we got married and ended up living in a giant Beverly Hills mansion with Chrissy and John because Mahershala is so understanding of me needing to be close to my breast friend.

New phone, who dis?
No really, does anyone know who this woman is. She keeps showing up to events for actors and I'm starting to wonder if she is involved in acting somehow.

I thought the circus went out of business?
I don't want to harp on her for too long because Nicole Kidman scares the actual shit out of me and I'm 110% sure she can hear me speak of her because she is an actual ghost. But this parrot dress. She looks a little bit like the Riddler? Or the Joker? We tried to ask her, but due to her impending contest with husband Keith Urban to see who can get the most Botox in a week, she only responded with "Booo blahhh boooo boo," which I translated to mean "I will haunt your dreams."

We have located the source of the world's beauty
This left me speechless for a bit, similar to what happens to "creatives" when they see an especially moving piece of art. I would pay to see this photo, literally printed on normal printer paper, at a museum in Paris. While I tend to praise CT for her fashion regardless of if it's a designer gown or a pillowcase, I absolutely loved this black wrap dress with a sort of suit jacket top portion. And complemented by a tuxedo-clad Goose and dapper John Legend? And they sat at Meryl's table with (obviously) Ryan and Emma? HOLLYWOOD, STOP PANDERING TO ME.

I was caught eating a breadstick.
How was I supposed to know I'd be in the background shot of Emma? Just chewing those last buttery bits with a smug look on my face because NO ONE ELSE AT MY TABLE ATE THEM. No breadstick left behind. While on the topic of Emma, who took home La La Land's only award of the night, this was Brie Larson's reaction to hearing Emma Stone's name announced for leading actress, which is so sugary sweet I had to eat another salty breadstick:

Stranger Things won, but more importantly #Winona
First off, Stranger Things swooping in with this win was pretty unexpected, so Winona didn't have much time to program her facial expressions. I'm not complaining. Just wanting to know what she mixed in with her tequila cocktails because I'm going to a party with Lady Mary and Lady Edith and the rest of Downton Abbey later and they party hard.

If you see one film this year, let it be Hidden Figures

Aside from the absolutely amazing performances by Octavia Spencer, Janelle Monae and Taraji P. Henson, this story is so incredibly important. And inspirational. And historic. And okay, some sources report I shed 9-10 tears at it. Similar to how Spotlight kind of surprised everyone by snagging the SAG then the Oscar last year, I'm hopeful Hidden Figures will do the same. 

And lastly, #MiBusy
You should know by now that this is how I will end every post. Which, is actually pretty similar to how I end most in-person conversations: by presenting a laminated photo of Busy and Michelle with no explanation, just a stern expression.
What do you think they talk about over bowls of post-show wings? Do you think they wonder what James Van Der Beek is up to? Do you think they YouTube that scene of Katie Holmes singing "On My Own" in that early Dawson's Creek episode? Then drunk dial her and ask her about spaceships and cyborgs and Scientology? These are the hard-hitting questions I'll get to the bottom of.

And that's it folks! A pretty solid SAG Awards to serve as hypeman for the Oscars. See you next month for the Adele-Beyonce Music Awards!

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