Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Let's discuss the 2017 Grammy Awards

I think we need to address the Bey in the room before we get started. I won't attach the 5,000 word essay I've penned on why Lemonade deserved Album of the Year because it's full of caps lock and yelling. I'll just say that I was glad Adele decided to Kanye herself and acknowledge that while 25 was an amazing album, Lemonade was/is THE album. THE. ALBUM. And now a gif for transition.
I know it seems like I begin every awards show post with banter on Giuliana and Seacrest but that’s only because I do and I can’t break away from tradition. Giuliana’s dress was hand-picked from the Martha Washington collection (vintage!) and the chunky belt was flown in especially from the year 1995. and anyway, let me know who wore it better.

Seacrest opted for a suit from his own collection, which is curated from the tears I cried upon learning that he was allowed to have a fashion line. I joke on Cresty a lot, but to be honest, I would like to be interviewed by him on a Red Carpet. 95% of my desire to be famous is so after he's done interviewing me and offers his tiny paws to help me down the stairs, I can yell "DON'T TOUCH ME" because I can only imagine what his face will look like having Ryan Gosling's second wife yell at him in front of Viola Davis and Emma Stone.

On the fashion front, hands down, best dress of the night:
The color, the cut, the lace. This is my dream dress. Double slit for both your legs to air out because nothing is worse than swamp legs. I bet Maren was comfortable as hell and could sit how she wanted without fearing her Paris Hilton would make an uninvited appearance. And I feel that the solid purple longer bits could be torn off for the after party and truly, who doesn't want a tearaway dress

And boob windows are in!

In general, Carrie Underwood is always serving the best the buffet has to offer, but I loved this red dress featuring this season's hottest trend: the boob window. Just a little cutout to let the public know "Hey, in case you were wondering, underneath all this fabric I have boobs, here's a peek."

Faith Hill jumped on the bandwagon, actually, she quite literally jumped on Carrie's wagon with a dress that looked way too similar. Except, Carrie's dress is more hot couture, runway-esque, while Faith's is a bit more...H&M. Which, affordability! Celebs, they're just like us! This picture of her cracks me up because you can barely see either of her legs creating the illusion that she's just a floating boob window.

Demi offered us a slight deviation with a tanned window. Can we take a minute to discuss Demi? The long beach waves. THE BROWS. We have finally reached the iPhone 7 version of Demi and I am here for it.

Lastly, Halsey forewent the boob window and went straight for the boob door look. Not even lying, I like this getup because it screams 90s TLC and looks comfortable as hell. Her blue silk pajamas look is actually quite similar to what I wear on a typical Saturday except replace the pants with sweats from high school and replace the top with an old hoodie and replace the boobs with nothing.

Gaga truly out Gaga'd herself
I am loving how the sleeves of this leather top are made of real porcupines and it's a turtleneck because modesty. I would 100% wear this to Sunday brunch after church.

Adele slayed me.
I was shocked that she opened the show. These awards shows usually make us wait for the good stuff like waiting for a turkey to cook on Thanksgiving. But this year, the turkey was first! No matter how many times I see Adele perform live, I will never not want to cry and write in my diary about my human feelings. And the debut of long-haired, tan Adele! We hear you Delly, we hear you.

Then The Weeknd revived me.
I can’t remember if I clarified this from the getgo, but I’m trying to entrap The Weeknd as soon as possible.  I know I say I’m going to entrap a lot of men, but that’s only because I’m a multi-tasker and I’m very goal-oriented, says my resume. After y’all have played the Lemonade film at my funeral and think I’m actually dead, have The Weeknd come in and sing a bit and there’s a 100% chance I’ll come back to life.


I'm newly converted to the Church of Beyonce because on this night she officially created a new religion. The intro. The imagery. The tilted chair that made me more nervous than having an open water bottle near my laptop. Beysus gave us everything and we did not deserve it. And then she won for Best Urban Contemporary Album and read her speech, which I was fine with, because we got to hear the gospel straight from the Holy Beyble.

I’m not a tiny, brunette country singer, but if I was, I’d want to be Maren Morris.
First off, if you haven’t watched the CMT Crossroads episode featuring Maren Morris and Alicia Keys then finish reading this post first, then go watch. It’s amazing. At first I was a little shocked to see that Maren changed into this flowy unitard situation, but then I realized “OH OKAY, DIS BITCH CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS.” And then Alicia Keys came out wearing no make-up, looking more flawless than I do Photoshopped and they performed my favorite ballad off Maren's “Hero” album and anyway I felt human emotions again. Their collab was perhaps even better than the the first time I had chocolate chip pancakes with a side of banana pancakes, which to this day I've counted as one of the most pivotal moments in my life.

Sometimes you buy tickets to a music festival to see one person.
Chance took home Best New Artist and Best Rap Album and gave a precious speech and looked entirely too cute in this gray suit. And he did all of this as an independent artist! So if you think I'm going to buy a day pass to Governor's Ball just to see him, then yes, that's exactly what I did.

Demi, Tori and Andra had an eyebrow off.
Demi’s extensions are longer than most words that Bieber knows and her brows remain the thing I keep asking my doctor to provide me a transplant of (to which she usually replies “Why are you here ma’am?” and also “You are not my patient” and also “Please stop calling about eyebrow transplants”). Doctors are so rude these days! Right, so the combination of Demi + Tori Kelly + Andra Day blew the hair off my head and left me bald. Even more bald than I was already from the Maren and Alicia duet. 

And look, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Tori Kelly stole my face and hair a couple years ago and I’m still pretty upset that she’s rocking my original look. And Andra Day stole my voice Ursula style, and I'm really upset by that too.

Life priority: Go to an awards show with Rihanna
First a chronological timeline of RiRi during the show.

1. She shows up wearing this ridiculously amazing outfit and decides, "Hm, maybe I don't need to drink. This guy from Twenty One Pilots gave a sweet speech while pantsless. Maybe I don't need alcohol."
2.  Even though she's sitting next to Carrie Underwood, RiRi realizes she's getting bored.
3.  RiRi has now sat through a couple country performances (that aren't Maren Morris) and decides it's time to bring out some company. This is also the point of the night that Rihanna remembers that Celine Dion once said "The only person who can be Rihanna, is Rihanna." #zerofucksgiven
4.  She and her bejeweled flask dance to A Tribe Called Quest and all is right with the world.

Generally wondering, who was this woman who performed after Adele and Beyonce?
Katy Perry coming out after both of our queens is like your boyfriend gifting you a Givenchy dress first and then being like “Oh, I also got you this roll of bubble gum tape.” Not that I think Katy Perry is the human equivalent of bubble gum tape, but remember how she copped “Roar” from Sara Bareilles? Typical bubblegum tape behavior. But, I will give her kudos for this super cute pose she's doing because that's exactly how I pose when I'm trying on jeans and stretching to see if they allow proper mobility. That Katy, always stealing ideas from people!

A Tribe Called Quest. President Agent Orange. #RESIST. Enough said.
And last but not least, obligatory Chrissy Teigen.
I love E!'s Glam Bot camera, which does these super dramatic slo-mo 360 shots, for two reasons:
1) To see Chrissy Teigen being extra
2) Because I picture myself in it, whipping my hair in slow motion because that's why I keep my hair long, just in case I ever come across an E! Glam Bot camera in the wild

And if you needed further validation of your undying love for CT, this was her dilemma the day prior to the show:

Furthermore, during a commercial break of the actual show, Chrissy stole part of one of the stage setups:
And she ended her night as most of us do, on the floor of her multimillion dollar mansion wearing a designer gown drunkenly asking John Legend to help take off her diamond necklace.

Another Grammys down. A lot of yelling. A lot of Chrissy Teigen. A lot of boob windows. See you later this month for the Oscars!

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