What did we learn from the 2019 Country Music Awards?

First and foremost we learned that this dry spell of Bachelor/ette seasons and awards shows causes me to do wild and insane things like watch the Country Music Awards. I'm not being dramatic when I say this is the first time I've watched.

But, in lieu of real awards shows, this is what I've succumb to. Please send your thoughts and prayers.

Here are my observations and big questions:

Carrie Underwood just gets to look like this all the time?
About two years ago, Carrie Underwood took a break from social media and the public eye because she suffered injuries to her wrist and face after falling outside her home. She really made us think she was gonna come back all Quasimodo with these notes to her fans saying she "might not look the same." So, brace yourself, I'm about to show you the shocking before and after:

I know, really makes you gasp how unbelievably different she looks.

I've said this before and I'll say it again — I'm not a tall, talented blonde white woman who won American Idol (you're surprised, I know) but if I were, I'd want to be Carrie Underwood. It seems unfair that she just gets to have that face and hair all the time. And like, I've never fallen on my face, but do I think it looks like I have compared to Carrie Underwood? Probably, yes.

On the topic of Carrie, she apparently hosts these awards every year? This year, I think because they heard I was going to watch and wanted to impress, she had some help from some up-and-comers — Reba and Dolly Parton. Very impressed with these young ladies, I think they're gonna go far.

FYI I LOVE MAREN MORRIS
I saw Maren Morris perform at Bowery Ballroom in NYC just after she was nominated for Best New Artist at the Grammys (big thank you to Genevieve who educated me on Maren) and y'all — can you even believe Maren invented country music in the year 2017? Wow. A visionary. She's just 5 ft. of pure talent and amazing brows and lashes and hair, so I guess some people really do have it all. Also, because this is necessary to note, I feel like she used to wear grommet belts (who of us didn't) and has definitely been in a fight before. And this rounds out all of the necessary requirements to be my idol. Now go listen to her "Hero" album BECAUSE IT HAS NO SKIPS. NONE. ALL GOOD.

She showed up at the show with her fine ass husband Ryan Hurd (who's also a singer) in this Carolina blue crop top situation:

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AND SHE'S FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT? Honestly, I look more pregnant after eating a whole Chipotle bowl than this.

She was the most nominated artist of the evening (duh), but only won Album of the Year because the Country Music Awards clearly have some sort of cap on the number of awards they will give to women. I'm positive they considered the feasibility of giving the best female artist award to Brad Paisley.

Nonetheless, she performed "Girl" in this white bandage dress and how does the woman do it?

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This is also what I look like waving at my friends while emerging from the dressing room after unhinging my ribs to get into some ho' couture dress at Express.

Is Blake Shelton......attractive?

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At first, I was very much like NOOOO. But now, I'm sort of like MAYBEEEE. I can't decide if he's actually good looking or just tall? That tallness fools us everytime, amirite?

Are Dan + Shay just Rascal Flatts reincarnated?
While tallness may fool me, I'd recognize that nasaly voice ANYWHERE. I had to lookup who's who to learn that Shay does 100% of the singing in this "group":

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Or well, in this performance anyway. Dan had a mic but honestly, who knows if it was turned on. Things that were also not turned on: me. (HAHAH oh please you saw that coming)

When you gotta perform with Dolly at 8, but get back to vampiring at 9

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I have no idea who these men are, but I assume they won some sort of contest in the 1800s to time travel to now to perform with Dolly. Technology is neat.

What most male country singers sing about

This is from Luke Combs' performance (idk who that is and I'm not sorry). It reminded me that the popular topics dudes in country music sing about are beer (especially on a Friday night), whiskey/tequila (especially drowning in it), their dog (that ran away), and women in tight pants (who are shimmying). AND THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE EXTENT OF TOPICS.

My hot take on country music overall is that if you're a dude with a mediocre voice, you can make it. You don't have to be a hot boy or even fashionable or even intelligent. But as a woman, you have to have an amazing voice, 14 degrees and a medical license, invented at least two life-saving inventions and of course be supermodel gorgeous. Just those things though, super simple. Also this comparison applies to a lot of things in life, but we're not diving into my dissertation (maybe during the Oscars).

While on the topic of frustrating things...

When you won Album of the Year at the Grammys but aren't nominated for Entertainer of the Year at the CMAs:

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Look, not that I thought this was a real awards show, but having a sort of "overall artist" category and NOT nominating country music's biggest star across genres is outrageous. Kacey Musgraves did win the awards for female artist and music video, but wtf. I guess it's good she can go home and wipe away her tears with the millions of dollars she made touring with Harry Styles.

She also performed with Willie Nelson and it was sort of adorable:

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But also, it would've been nice had she performed on her own too since she was one of the two artists I tuned into this show for. It's almost as if these artists and shows do not create their content based on my likings. Weird.

And that's it! Or well, that's all I allowed my brain to store away. The biggest takeaway is there's a 495% chance I will not watch this show ever again, but rather, opt for finding Kacey and Maren's performances on YouTube. So I guess it was an educational experience.

See you in a couple weeks for the American Music Awards! Til then, find me out protesting against sneaker wedges (they're stupid and detrimental to us all) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2019 Grammys?

Welcome to an awards show where I can't scream about Gemma Chan! Luckily there's plenty of other stuff to screech about because the Grammys were ALMOST 4 HOURS LONG.

This year's recap is brought to you by all of these fans not missing an opportunity to snap photos of their faves on the red carpet:

As is my unexplainable routine, I watched the 12 hours of pre-show coverage because I needed to hear a bunch of Z-listers on E! debate potential looks like "I MEAN SHE WORE CLOTHES LAST YEAR, BUT WILL SHE WEAR CLOTHES THIS YEAR?" Riveting.

In a shocking turn of events, Rancic actually looked pretty great. I can't believe I just typed those words because this is the first time in the history of ever that she's looked great. Just a simple hairdo and makeup and a super cute dress!

But don't worry, she was still steadfast in the level of stupid she brought to the Red Carpet. And I'm positive she brought the fashion extra hard because Seacrest, wearing a suit from his own dumbass collection, wore THESE BOBO ASS SHOES:

I could give two farts if these are Versace or Givenchy or K-Mart — they're ugly. You know who wears these? High school boys who think they're hot shit because they're on the 8th string of the football team and just got new puka shells and a Playstation 2 last week.

Best dressed:

We did not see nearly enough of Jorja Smith who was nominated for Best New Artist. A quick summary of Jorja: she's English, has an amazing voice, won the Brits' Critics Choice Awards last year (past winners include Adele and Ellie Goulding) and allegedly dated Drake in 2017 while they worked on some songs together AND HE GOT A TATTOO FOR HER. Or well, Jorja doesn't think that part is true, but he got an "11" tattoo and her birthday is on June 11 and her debut EP was called "Project 11" so I'll let you deduct what you will. Anyway, THIS LOOK SHE IS SERVING:

This is actually the exact face I make when someone finds out I'm Korean and responds with "Oh, my best friend is Chinese" UM OK. So even though Jorja didn't win, she gave us this look and also her boyfriend is pretty hot and she got Drake to tattoo her birthday on his body so all of that combined, I think, is the equivalent of a lifetime achievement award.

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Here's the thing: K-Pop stars dress INFINITELY better than American pop stars. So while we were rolling out Post Malone who I think might just be a dumpster masquerading as a human, these BTS boys were strolling through in fine ass, tailored suits (made by a Korean designer!). And before you start screaming "Omg how old are they" how about you calm the F down because the youngest one is Jungkook (in the middle waving) and he's 21 and we're dating. It's whatever. We share earrings it's great and we are both old enough to buy alcohol so stop asking.

To the show!

Whatever new girl group this is, I'm in

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Alicia Keys opened the show with Gaga, Jada Pinkett-Smith, J.Lo in a bigass hat AND MICHELLE OBAMA. I could barely hear anything over my own screaming.

I am Ariel

Because Shawn Mendes is clearly Prince Eric with those striped pants. He also wore this silk, sleeveless top and his piano was literally imploding because none of us were expecting to see that body'ody. He started the performance singing "In My Blood," which is coincidentally enough the name of his song and also words I've written in letters to him because nothing says normal, non-creepy love like using the word blood.

After his broody piano playing, Miley came out sporting the ol' vest-with-no-shirt-underneath look and they sang together:

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There is nothing I love more than fire during a performance. It's wildly dramatic and also really dangerous and that's the mix I'm interested in. Also want to note that on the red carpet, Seacrest asked Shawn if he and Miley would "be looking at each other" during the performance to which Shawn was like "Um, yes, we'll both be up there singing together so I'm pretty sure we'll make eye contact" and my mind exploded because Seacrest isn't qualified to interview a toucan.

Speaking of the red carpet, Shawn was obviously one of the best dressed men of the night and here he is thirst trapping all of us:

Very excited to be a member of the Church of Janelle
Janelle Monae gave one of the top 2 performances of the night (check it out here), reminding us that in addition to acting, she can write meaningful lyrics, sing and moonwalk across a stage while wearing PVC leather:

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Meanwhile, half of us can barely eat a grilled cheese while watching a Fyre Fest documentary. Here she is dropping the mic at the end of her performance as she realizes how many mortal uggos are surrounding her.

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We stan a multi-talented queen.

CARDI CARDI CARDI
The other top performance of the night was OBVIOUSLY Cardi. Show producers were smart to put her in the last third of this 18-hour show because things had gotten pretty sleepy. But then:

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She performed "Money" and twerked on top of a piano and it was everything we needed. Plus we were all introduced to Chloe Flower, the pianist who opened Cardi's performance. This is the photo I will show my kids when I force, I mean ask, them if they want to take piano lessons:

"DON'T YOU WANT TO BE A BAD ASS BITCH? DON'T YOU? Now go make Mommy proud."

Cardi also became the first solo woman to win the award for Rap Album. Her speech was so freaking cute because she was legitimately surprised and so so gracious about it (unlike fakes we've seen in the past *COUGH TAYLOR SWIFT COUGH*).

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UMMM BUT CAN OFFSET PLEASE SEE HIMSELF OFF STAGE?? And yes, I know she was gripping his hand because she was so nervous, but I will never forgive him for being in her spotlight (or for cheating on her). Y'all when I say I was happy for her, I mean I literally clenched my heart when her name was announced like I'm some proud grandma. "Invasion of Privacy" was OBJECTIVELY (did you hear me, I said OBJECTIVELY) one of the best albums of 2018. It's got bops, it's got sass, it's got bangers, it cleared up my acne and paid off my car. Amazing.

Final Cardi note: She wore this Little Mermaid getup on the red carpet that only permitted her to move around in a sort of shuffle and I loved everything about it including the hat that I think is supposed to be like the pearl inside an oyster?

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But are we far from the Shallow now

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Based on her reaction to winning, you may not know this little known artist. Her name is Lady Gaga and SHE'S ONLY WON LIKE 450 GRAMMYS. Sure, this year's win was for a song from a movie featuring her first starring role, but dear God how many more times will we have to hear how Bradley Cooper apparently Tony Robbins'd her life and completely changed everything. She continues to act like she was Nikki Blonsky working at Coldstone and got plucked from obscurity to be in "Hairspray." When we all know Gaga was swimming in her pool made of melted down Grammys when B.Coop asked her to be in a recycled movie.

Luckily, we got a glimpse of old Gaga during her performance:

Only one more major awards show left for Gaga to be president of the high school drama club. Then can we please return to walking a red carpet inside an egg.

The bigger the hair, the closer to God

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I love how Kacey Musgraves brings out this bump-it for all her major performances. AND THOSE HOOPS! In a dramatic turn of events that surprised me the most, she was the artist I listened to most on Spotify in 2018. Who would've guessed. "The Golden Hour" really is that bitch. But do I think I am the one to thank for Kacey winning album of the year? Yes I am and she did thank me when she said "Thank you to the fans" UM FANS COME FROM ASIA. I AM ASIAN. So the logical connection is there, you see it. Speaking of fans, for all you history buffs, Kacey actually invented fans:

She performed "Rainbow" and all I want to talk about is how MOTHER FRACKING FLAWLESS HER MAKEUP AND BROWS AND LASHES ARE????? SHE DOES NOT HAVE PORES????

I'm hollering. The other thing I like about her is she looks like she could fight? Like she's definitely punched someone in the face before. And if that doesn't make you want to listen to her album, her reaction to winning Album of the Year should:

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Um, also when she won, this guy was onstage with her?

Wearing football pads and combat boots? So I guess some sort of time traveling fashion disaster? Cool.

When your cloning machine actually works

St. Vincent and Dua Lipa performed a collab of "Masseducation" and "One Kiss" and it was a win all around for short bobs. I saw St. Vincent perform at Panorama last year and by "saw" I mean I have a very blurry drunken image of her singing, I think. Was happy to see her perform because she's great! And Dua always delivers so. But how in the hell does she go to the bathroom with those nails. Or type emails. Or like, peel oranges. Mind boggling.

Things I could've done without
1) Whichever one this is from Dan + Shay wearing a shirt that looks like it includes Bluetooth headphones:

2) And then that same dude during their performance of "Tequila" holding that last note for what felt like 14 minutes:

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I don't even remember what the last word was, but I feel like it was something ordinary, like "pencil" and he just held it for an inordinate amount of time like "PEEEEEEEEEEEENCIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLL." We did not ask for this.

3) Everything about the Post Malone + Red Hot Chili Peppers performance. I don't even have a screenshot of it because this was my face the entire time:

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I just kept wondering how the Grammys found the time to gather all of the men I find least attractive and put them on one stage. Like some sort of PSA for birth control and it worked.

4) Everything and I mean EVERYTHING about J.Lo's Motown tribute.

First off, whose idea was it to have J.Lo do the Motown tribute? Secondly, does no one remember that J.Lo doesn't have that great of a voice? Someone was ABSOLUTELY singing behind the scenes for her, Milli Vanilli style. This entire performance was bizarre. Do you think they asked Beyonce first? And after she said no, asked 300 other people who all said no before finally being like "Oh, J.Lo is the last person left to ask"? It is the only explanation.

Things I could've done with more of
1) Maren Morris' hoops

2) Alicia Keys singing every genre of music

She performed a medley of a bunch of hits and some oldies including Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop (That Thing)" and if that piano intro doesn't make you involuntarily scream YESSSSS you are tasteless and I hate you.

3) BTS reaction shots

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4) Close-ups of Dua Lipa's brows

It's upsetting that she gets to be that tall and talented with those naturally great brows. Like, I didn't know we were allowed to choose more than one talent from the talent pool so I only chose "able to eat a lot of food but also gain weight." Pissed.

5) H.E.R. wearing sunglasses indoors

And wait actually that woman behind her with the side eye who clearly has no time for this fucking 15-hour show.

6) Degrassi

7) Childish Gambino

"This is America" won Song and Record of the Year, the first rap song to do so! Donald Glover wasn't there though because we were watching from home, but thank you all for the lovely messages we enjoyed reading them while eating our dumplings and watching Marie Kondo's Netflix show.

And that's it! I mean, obviously 800 other things happened because this show was on for 48 hours. If you want to know irrelevant shit like, all of the actual winners, check that out here.

See you tomorrow for Bachelor trash! Til then, find me making friendship bracelets for me and Chrissy Teigen and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez because we're all friends and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). 

Let's discuss the 2017 Grammy Awards

I think we need to address the Bey in the room before we get started. I won't attach the 5,000 word essay I've penned on why Lemonade deserved Album of the Year because it's full of caps lock and yelling. I'll just say that I was glad Adele decided to Kanye herself and acknowledge that while 25 was an amazing album, Lemonade was/is THE album. THE. ALBUM. And now a gif for transition.

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I know it seems like I begin every awards show post with banter on Giuliana and Seacrest but that’s only because I do and I can’t break away from tradition. Giuliana’s dress was hand-picked from the Martha Washington collection (vintage!) and the chunky belt was flown in especially from the year 1995. and anyway, let me know who wore it better.

Seacrest opted for a suit from his own collection, which is curated from the tears I cried upon learning that he was allowed to have a fashion line. I joke on Cresty a lot, but to be honest, I would like to be interviewed by him on a Red Carpet. 95% of my desire to be famous is so after he's done interviewing me and offers his tiny paws to help me down the stairs, I can yell "DON'T TOUCH ME" because I can only imagine what his face will look like having Ryan Gosling's second wife yell at him in front of Viola Davis and Emma Stone.

On the fashion front, hands down, best dress of the night:

The color, the cut, the lace. This is my dream dress. Double slit for both your legs to air out because nothing is worse than swamp legs. I bet Maren was comfortable as hell and could sit how she wanted without fearing her Paris Hilton would make an uninvited appearance. And I feel that the solid purple longer bits could be torn off for the after party and truly, who doesn't want a tearaway dress

And boob windows are in!

In general, Carrie Underwood is always serving the best the buffet has to offer, but I loved this red dress featuring this season's hottest trend: the boob window. Just a little cutout to let the public know "Hey, in case you were wondering, underneath all this fabric I have boobs, here's a peek."

Faith Hill jumped on the bandwagon, actually, she quite literally jumped on Carrie's wagon with a dress that looked way too similar. Except, Carrie's dress is more hot couture, runway-esque, while Faith's is a bit more...H&M. Which, affordability! Celebs, they're just like us! This picture of her cracks me up because you can barely see either of her legs creating the illusion that she's just a floating boob window.

Demi offered us a slight deviation with a tanned window. Can we take a minute to discuss Demi? The long beach waves. THE BROWS. We have finally reached the iPhone 7 version of Demi and I am here for it.

Lastly, Halsey forewent the boob window and went straight for the boob door look. Not even lying, I like this getup because it screams 90s TLC and looks comfortable as hell. Her blue silk pajamas look is actually quite similar to what I wear on a typical Saturday except replace the pants with sweats from high school and replace the top with an old hoodie and replace the boobs with nothing.

Gaga truly out Gaga'd herself

I am loving how the sleeves of this leather top are made of real porcupines and it's a turtleneck because modesty. I would 100% wear this to Sunday brunch after church.

Adele slayed me.

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I was shocked that she opened the show. These awards shows usually make us wait for the good stuff like waiting for a turkey to cook on Thanksgiving. But this year, the turkey was first! No matter how many times I see Adele perform live, I will never not want to cry and write in my diary about my human feelings. And the debut of long-haired, tan Adele! We hear you Delly, we hear you.

Then The Weeknd revived me.

I can’t remember if I clarified this from the getgo, but I’m trying to entrap The Weeknd as soon as possible.  I know I say I’m going to entrap a lot of men, but that’s only because I’m a multi-tasker and I’m very goal-oriented, says my resume. After y’all have played the Lemonade film at my funeral and think I’m actually dead, have The Weeknd come in and sing a bit and there’s a 100% chance I’ll come back to life.

THEN BEYONCE ACTUALLY SLAYED ME.

I'm newly converted to the Church of Beyonce because on this night she officially created a new religion. The intro. The imagery. The tilted chair that made me more nervous than having an open water bottle near my laptop. Beysus gave us everything and we did not deserve it. And then she won for Best Urban Contemporary Album and read her speech, which I was fine with, because we got to hear the gospel straight from the Holy Beyble.

I’m not a tiny, brunette country singer, but if I was, I’d want to be Maren Morris.

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First off, if you haven’t watched the CMT Crossroads episode featuring Maren Morris and Alicia Keys then finish reading this post first, then go watch. It’s amazing. At first I was a little shocked to see that Maren changed into this flowy unitard situation, but then I realized “OH OKAY, DIS BITCH CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS.” And then Alicia Keys came out wearing no make-up, looking more flawless than I do Photoshopped and they performed my favorite ballad off Maren's “Hero” album and anyway I felt human emotions again. Their collab was perhaps even better than the the first time I had chocolate chip pancakes with a side of banana pancakes, which to this day I've counted as one of the most pivotal moments in my life.

Sometimes you buy tickets to a music festival to see one person.

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Chance took home Best New Artist and Best Rap Album and gave a precious speech and looked entirely too cute in this gray suit. And he did all of this as an independent artist! So if you think I'm going to buy a day pass to Governor's Ball just to see him, then yes, that's exactly what I did.

Demi, Tori and Andra had an eyebrow off.

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Demi’s extensions are longer than most words that Bieber knows and her brows remain the thing I keep asking my doctor to provide me a transplant of (to which she usually replies “Why are you here ma’am?” and also “You are not my patient” and also “Please stop calling about eyebrow transplants”). Doctors are so rude these days! Right, so the combination of Demi + Tori Kelly + Andra Day blew the hair off my head and left me bald. Even more bald than I was already from the Maren and Alicia duet. 

And look, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Tori Kelly stole my face and hair a couple years ago and I’m still pretty upset that she’s rocking my original look. And Andra Day stole my voice Ursula style, and I'm really upset by that too.

Life priority: Go to an awards show with Rihanna

First a chronological timeline of RiRi during the show.

1. She shows up wearing this ridiculously amazing outfit and decides, "Hm, maybe I don't need to drink. This guy from Twenty One Pilots gave a sweet speech while pantsless. Maybe I don't need alcohol."

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2.  Even though she's sitting next to Carrie Underwood, RiRi realizes she's getting bored.

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3.  RiRi has now sat through a couple country performances (that aren't Maren Morris) and decides it's time to bring out some company. This is also the point of the night that Rihanna remembers that Celine Dion once said "The only person who can be Rihanna, is Rihanna." #zerofucksgiven

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4.  She and her bejeweled flask dance to A Tribe Called Quest and all is right with the world.

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Generally wondering, who was this woman who performed after Adele and Beyonce?

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Katy Perry coming out after both of our queens is like your boyfriend gifting you a Givenchy dress first and then being like “Oh, I also got you this roll of bubble gum tape.” Not that I think Katy Perry is the human equivalent of bubble gum tape, but remember how she copped “Roar” from Sara Bareilles? Typical bubblegum tape behavior. But, I will give her kudos for this super cute pose she's doing because that's exactly how I pose when I'm trying on jeans and stretching to see if they allow proper mobility. That Katy, always stealing ideas from people!

A Tribe Called Quest. President Agent Orange. #RESIST. Enough said.

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And last but not least, obligatory Chrissy Teigen.

I love E!'s Glam Bot camera, which does these super dramatic slo-mo 360 shots, for two reasons:

1) To see Chrissy Teigen being extra

2) Because I picture myself in it, whipping my hair in slow motion because that's why I keep my hair long, just in case I ever come across an E! Glam Bot camera in the wild

And if you needed further validation of your undying love for CT, this was her dilemma the day prior to the show:

Furthermore, during a commercial break of the actual show, Chrissy stole part of one of the stage setups:

And she ended her night as most of us do, on the floor of her multimillion dollar mansion wearing a designer gown drunkenly asking John Legend to help take off her diamond necklace.

CELEBS, THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!

Another Grammys down. A lot of yelling. A lot of Chrissy Teigen. A lot of boob windows. See you later this month for the Oscars!