Thursday, November 14, 2019

What did we learn from the 2019 Country Music Awards?

First and foremost we learned that this dry spell of Bachelor/ette seasons and awards shows causes me to do wild and insane things like watch the Country Music Awards. I'm not being dramatic when I say this is the first time I've watched.

But, in lieu of real awards shows, this is what I've succumb to. Please send your thoughts and prayers.

Here are my observations and big questions:

Carrie Underwood just gets to look like this all the time?
About two years ago, Carrie Underwood took a break from social media and the public eye because she suffered injuries to her wrist and face after falling outside her home. She really made us think she was gonna come back all Quasimodo with these notes to her fans saying she "might not look the same." So, brace yourself, I'm about to show you the shocking before and after:
I know, really makes you gasp how unbelievably different she looks.

I've said this before and I'll say it again — I'm not a tall, talented blonde white woman who won American Idol (you're surprised, I know) but if I were, I'd want to be Carrie Underwood. It seems unfair that she just gets to have that face and hair all the time. And like, I've never fallen on my face, but do I think it looks like I have compared to Carrie Underwood? Probably, yes.

On the topic of Carrie, she apparently hosts these awards every year? This year, I think because they heard I was going to watch and wanted to impress, she had some help from some up-and-comers — Reba and Dolly Parton. Very impressed with these young ladies, I think they're gonna go far.

I saw Maren Morris perform at Bowery Ballroom in NYC just after she was nominated for Best New Artist at the Grammys (big thank you to Genevieve who educated me on Maren) and y'all — can you even believe Maren invented country music in the year 2017? Wow. A visionary. She's just 5 ft. of pure talent and amazing brows and lashes and hair, so I guess some people really do have it all. Also, because this is necessary to note, I feel like she used to wear grommet belts (who of us didn't) and has definitely been in a fight before. And this rounds out all of the necessary requirements to be my idol. Now go listen to her "Hero" album BECAUSE IT HAS NO SKIPS. NONE. ALL GOOD.

She showed up at the show with her fine ass husband Ryan Hurd (who's also a singer) in this Carolina blue crop top situation:

AND SHE'S FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT? Honestly, I look more pregnant after eating a whole Chipotle bowl than this.

She was the most nominated artist of the evening (duh), but only won Album of the Year because the Country Music Awards clearly have some sort of cap on the number of awards they will give to women. I'm positive they considered the feasibility of giving the best female artist award to Brad Paisley.

Nonetheless, she performed "Girl" in this white bandage dress and how does the woman do it?
This is also what I look like waving at my friends while emerging from the dressing room after unhinging my ribs to get into some ho' couture dress at Express.

Is Blake Shelton......attractive?
At first, I was very much like NOOOO. But now, I'm sort of like MAYBEEEE. I can't decide if he's actually good looking or just tall? That tallness fools us everytime, amirite?

Are Dan + Shay just Rascal Flatts reincarnated?
While tallness may fool me, I'd recognize that nasaly voice ANYWHERE. I had to lookup who's who to learn that Shay does 100% of the singing in this "group":
Or well, in this performance anyway. Dan had a mic but honestly, who knows if it was turned on. Things that were also not turned on: me. (HAHAH oh please you saw that coming)

When you gotta perform with Dolly at 8, but get back to vampiring at 9
I have no idea who these men are, but I assume they won some sort of contest in the 1800s to time travel to now to perform with Dolly. Technology is neat.

What most male country singers sing about
This is from Luke Combs' performance (idk who that is and I'm not sorry). It reminded me that the popular topics dudes in country music sing about are beer (especially on a Friday night), whiskey/tequila (especially drowning in it), their dog (that ran away), and women in tight pants (who are shimmying). AND THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE EXTENT OF TOPICS.

My hot take on country music overall is that if you're a dude with a mediocre voice, you can make it. You don't have to be a hot boy or even fashionable or even intelligent. But as a woman, you have to have an amazing voice, 14 degrees and a medical license, invented at least two life-saving inventions and of course be supermodel gorgeous. Just those things though, super simple. Also this comparison applies to a lot of things in life, but we're not diving into my dissertation (maybe during the Oscars).

While on the topic of frustrating things...

When you won Album of the Year at the Grammys but aren't nominated for Entertainer of the Year at the CMAs:
Look, not that I thought this was a real awards show, but having a sort of "overall artist" category and NOT nominating country music's biggest star across genres is outrageous. Kacey Musgraves did win the awards for female artist and music video, but wtf. I guess it's good she can go home and wipe away her tears with the millions of dollars she made touring with Harry Styles.

She also performed with Willie Nelson and it was sort of adorable:
But also, it would've been nice had she performed on her own too since she was one of the two artists I tuned into this show for. It's almost as if these artists and shows do not create their content based on my likings. Weird.

And that's it! Or well, that's all I allowed my brain to store away. The biggest takeaway is there's a 495% chance I will not watch this show ever again, but rather, opt for finding Kacey and Maren's performances on YouTube. So I guess it was an educational experience.

See you in a couple weeks for the American Music Awards! Til then, find me out protesting against sneaker wedges (they're stupid and detrimental to us all) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

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